Hook-up Dates; Break-up Dates.
This weekend turned out to be a bit different than expected. Right now I feel like I’m walking about with a little black cloud on top of my head, and I am not so sure that I should feel this way. I mean, things are going great in a way, aren’t they? Well I don’t know. Maybe someday I will look back at this time and laugh and think of how stupid I have been for feeling like this, but right now I feel blue.
So Friday night didn’t exactly go as planned. Instead of going to the club I ended up going to Steve’s house for dinner and a movie. Well we had dinner, but no movie: right after dinner a friend of his cut his foot open with something in the garbage room of Steve’s building, and we ended up in the ER for almost five hours Friday night.
The next day Steve had some matters to take care of, so I went with him, and after that we went for lunch, and then we spent the whole afternoon together, and then I went over to his place again to watch a movie (for real this time), and then went home. Spent over 24 hours with him and didn’t get tired of him at all.
So I got home and Konrad called me. Konrad and I met a few months ago. We went on one date but I didn’t think he was into me, and I guess I wasn't really into him either. It turns out that he actually did like me, he was just too shy to even flirt slightly. We had planned on going out again a couple of times, but it never happened. After a while we ended up deciding that we were just going to be friends. Yesterday we talked for almost two hours until I was passing out, so we said goodbye.
Today, talking to Steve, I found out that Konrad and him are talking now, and that they have a date tonight. And Steve is happy about it, and I guess I should be happy for him, because he met somebody he likes. After all we are just friends, right? But somehow I don’t feel alright about it. I feel jealous. I feel a bit upset. I wish I hadn’t heard about all of this today, because I don’t want this to affect the decision I have to make tonight, and I am worried it might.
About tonight. I told Dan that we should go out for a coffee or something and a walk. It's not exactly a date though: I want to tell him that I do not want to be his boyfriend because of the whole cocaine thing (yes, cocaine). But then talking to him today I almost wished that it didn’t matter to me as much. I like him. He likes me. He actually asked me to go into a committed relationship because he finds me that interesting or amusing. And I almost want to say 'yes'. But I know that the drugs bother me, and I know that I don’t feel right about this; I know I should say 'no'. But in a way i want to say 'yes'.
And then I think of the other things. Soni calls me once a week for a minute or two and never answers my calls. I don’t think this will work out. Steve just doesn’t see me as a potential boyfriend, but just as a good friend. So then at the end of this I am giving up on the only person who has shown real interest on me in the past few months, and I will end up alone just because I don’t approve of drugs. I am giving up my chance at maybe having a boyfriend that will not play games and will be truthful just because I don’t approve of a facet of his lifestyle. I will give up on this, and then end up alone again, and go through all the trouble of meeting guy after guy and just going around in circles without getting anywhere.
So I haven’t made up my mind yet. I know I should say “no.” But I don’t always do what I am supposed to do. I am not scared of being lonely by any means; I have been alone for a while and I am used to it. But I do crave the comfort of being with a boyfriend overtime. I miss the comfort of having someone who knows all your fears and your hopes and shares your dreams. I want to say “no” so badly, but I don’t want to give up on this opportunity. And I am a bit afraid that I will be sucked right into it and unable to say no to him because after all, there are things about him that I like.
My stomach feels like it’s on a knot. The butterflies I felt two days ago have turned into uncomfortable twisting and turning of my guts, to the point that I almost feel nauseous; I couldn’t even eat today. My heart feels like it’s missing beats. I think it is a combination of realizing that Steve is just a friend and nothing more and not knowing how things will go with Dan today. Being awake right now is the last thing I want to do. I am upset; more upset than I thought I would be. I am nervous. I am sad. I am not looking forward to the end of my shift, when I finally have to face reality and act upon it, rather than think of the different scenarios of how tonight might go. I wish I could just sleep and forget about this all.
I guess we will see tomorrow. We will see whether Dan and I decide to give it a try and go out; we will see whether Konrad and Steve decide to date each other. We will see if my heart finally broke and I can start seeing Steve as a friend and nothing more.
I just hope I make the right decision tonight. I want my heart to stop hurting.
So Friday night didn’t exactly go as planned. Instead of going to the club I ended up going to Steve’s house for dinner and a movie. Well we had dinner, but no movie: right after dinner a friend of his cut his foot open with something in the garbage room of Steve’s building, and we ended up in the ER for almost five hours Friday night.
The next day Steve had some matters to take care of, so I went with him, and after that we went for lunch, and then we spent the whole afternoon together, and then I went over to his place again to watch a movie (for real this time), and then went home. Spent over 24 hours with him and didn’t get tired of him at all.
So I got home and Konrad called me. Konrad and I met a few months ago. We went on one date but I didn’t think he was into me, and I guess I wasn't really into him either. It turns out that he actually did like me, he was just too shy to even flirt slightly. We had planned on going out again a couple of times, but it never happened. After a while we ended up deciding that we were just going to be friends. Yesterday we talked for almost two hours until I was passing out, so we said goodbye.
Today, talking to Steve, I found out that Konrad and him are talking now, and that they have a date tonight. And Steve is happy about it, and I guess I should be happy for him, because he met somebody he likes. After all we are just friends, right? But somehow I don’t feel alright about it. I feel jealous. I feel a bit upset. I wish I hadn’t heard about all of this today, because I don’t want this to affect the decision I have to make tonight, and I am worried it might.
About tonight. I told Dan that we should go out for a coffee or something and a walk. It's not exactly a date though: I want to tell him that I do not want to be his boyfriend because of the whole cocaine thing (yes, cocaine). But then talking to him today I almost wished that it didn’t matter to me as much. I like him. He likes me. He actually asked me to go into a committed relationship because he finds me that interesting or amusing. And I almost want to say 'yes'. But I know that the drugs bother me, and I know that I don’t feel right about this; I know I should say 'no'. But in a way i want to say 'yes'.
And then I think of the other things. Soni calls me once a week for a minute or two and never answers my calls. I don’t think this will work out. Steve just doesn’t see me as a potential boyfriend, but just as a good friend. So then at the end of this I am giving up on the only person who has shown real interest on me in the past few months, and I will end up alone just because I don’t approve of drugs. I am giving up my chance at maybe having a boyfriend that will not play games and will be truthful just because I don’t approve of a facet of his lifestyle. I will give up on this, and then end up alone again, and go through all the trouble of meeting guy after guy and just going around in circles without getting anywhere.
So I haven’t made up my mind yet. I know I should say “no.” But I don’t always do what I am supposed to do. I am not scared of being lonely by any means; I have been alone for a while and I am used to it. But I do crave the comfort of being with a boyfriend overtime. I miss the comfort of having someone who knows all your fears and your hopes and shares your dreams. I want to say “no” so badly, but I don’t want to give up on this opportunity. And I am a bit afraid that I will be sucked right into it and unable to say no to him because after all, there are things about him that I like.
My stomach feels like it’s on a knot. The butterflies I felt two days ago have turned into uncomfortable twisting and turning of my guts, to the point that I almost feel nauseous; I couldn’t even eat today. My heart feels like it’s missing beats. I think it is a combination of realizing that Steve is just a friend and nothing more and not knowing how things will go with Dan today. Being awake right now is the last thing I want to do. I am upset; more upset than I thought I would be. I am nervous. I am sad. I am not looking forward to the end of my shift, when I finally have to face reality and act upon it, rather than think of the different scenarios of how tonight might go. I wish I could just sleep and forget about this all.
I guess we will see tomorrow. We will see whether Dan and I decide to give it a try and go out; we will see whether Konrad and Steve decide to date each other. We will see if my heart finally broke and I can start seeing Steve as a friend and nothing more.
I just hope I make the right decision tonight. I want my heart to stop hurting.