Boys, Friends, Boyfriends...
Things are going so weird right now. I almost wish I could just fall asleep for a few days and let everything get sorted out by itself. I wish I was stronger to make the right decisions, and I wish I had the gust to just say what I feel for once. I kinda also wish that I could peek into the future and see how things would work out if I made different decisions, so that I could then make the right decision without blowing it all up.
The boy I met named Dan has been calling me a lot. We’ve seen each other a few times again, and things are great. Great except for the fact that I’m not so sure I want to be with him. I like him. He is funny, a bit too crazy for me, but funny, and also sweet. He has a good relationship with his mom and grandma, which is important to me cause family is important. He is very sociable and he shows a lot of interest on me. The problem with him is that he is a recreational user of an illegal substance (and no, I’m not talking about pot). I hate drugs, and this bothers me more than I let him know.
Soni didn’t call me for a few days, and didn’t answer my calls. This made the decision so much easier on who to pick. Dan called me every day at least to say hi and chat for a bit. I made my decision in my head, I chose Dan just because he showed more interest. And then Soni called again. And then again; he had a goo excuse for not calling, too. And now I must admit that I am starting to wonder whether I should try seeing Soni again and see if things go somewhere. But the problem is that I am a bit more involved with Dan, despite the drug issue.
Things got a bit harder now. I met a guy named Steve about a month ago on the internet. He lived in the US, but he just moved here on Tuesday. We kind of had a silent agreement that we were only going to be friends, as he was kind of dating someone and I was kind of dating someone. So I met Steve on Wednesday and we get along really well. We have a lot in common and I can see us becoming good friends; well, at least from what I can see… don’t know if he feels the same way. So friends are good. But there is a little problem. Despite the fact that we are just friends, I find myself feeling very jealous whenever he speaks of other guys or when he looks at someone and mentions they are cute or hot or whatever. I also find that I want to spend more time with him than Dan.
Now, this is not the first time I get jealous when a friend of mine shows attraction for another guy. It happened with Josh at one point and well, that lead to a really bad ending of our friendship. Then it happened with Paco, and thanks to the fact I kept it quiet, we were able to become really good friends. Then it happened with Sean and well, he didn’t feel comfortable talking to me ever again once I mentioned it. I don’t know why I have a nick for getting little crushes on my gay friends, but I do. And this time I don’t know what to do. Steve and I seem to have a lot in common and so far it seems we share a lot of the same goals. But I think it’d be the best thing to continue being JUST friends and let him meet somebody. It almost hurts me to think of him with someone else, but I rather have his friendship than lose him altogether for trying to have something more…
And well, because I have been spending a bit of time with Steve, Dan is feeling a bit jealous (even tho he told me he wasn;t exactly looking for a relationship. He even called me yesterday in the middle of the night to see if I had gone home to sleep or if I had gone with Steve. And this morning he called me and after telling him I was gong out with Steve again tonight, he asked me if I wanted to date him exclusively. That offer sounds tempting, as I have finally made an impact on someone to the point that they want to be with me and only me. But then I think abut the drugs, and it bothers me. And deep down I feel like I don’t want to be attached to him.
What if the guy I am supposed to be with comes along and I am attached to Dan, and I miss my chance? And what if I already met the person I am supposed to be with, and he realizes that I want more than just a friendship (and well, hopefully he does too), but I am attached to Dan and I miss that chance? And what if I do like Dan a lot, but in the back on my mind I always despise the fact that he uses drugs?
Well I told Dan I needed to see him again before I made a choice. But this time it would be different; I want to see him on a real date. Go for coffee or whatever and just talk. No alcohol, no big crowds, no loud music. Just us, so we can talk about the things we want from life and see if we really are compatible or not. And I also will dive further into the whole drug issue, to really understand how likely he is to give it up if him and I became serious. After all I can’t ask him to change. But I can make a decision whether or not to get involved with him.
So the days go by. I feel a certain strong excitement inside my stomach because I will be going out with Steve. And it is not the kind of excitement that you feel when you’re seeing a good friend; it feels more like the butterflies of a crush. But we’ll see. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have a broken heart (if he meets someone else at the club and they hit it off) and I’ll be able to get over this and see things for what they really are: a friendship.
And then I’ll feel a bit relieved; one less thing to worry about.
And then it will be much clearer: Steve will be a good friend but nothing more, I will have a big decision to make with Dan, and perhaps I’ll accidentally break the hearts of Patrick and Soni. And hopefully I am making the right decisions with everyone and I will have no regrets.
I sometimes don’t like the person I have been pushed to become. I sometimes wish I met less people that were interested in me. I sometimes wish I was not attracted to a guy friend just because he is nice and cute. I sometimes wish I finally met the guy I am supposed to be with, whether forever or for a long while, so that I didn’t have to make any more decisions, and I never had to break another heart, or have my heart broken again.
If only it was that easy.
The boy I met named Dan has been calling me a lot. We’ve seen each other a few times again, and things are great. Great except for the fact that I’m not so sure I want to be with him. I like him. He is funny, a bit too crazy for me, but funny, and also sweet. He has a good relationship with his mom and grandma, which is important to me cause family is important. He is very sociable and he shows a lot of interest on me. The problem with him is that he is a recreational user of an illegal substance (and no, I’m not talking about pot). I hate drugs, and this bothers me more than I let him know.
Soni didn’t call me for a few days, and didn’t answer my calls. This made the decision so much easier on who to pick. Dan called me every day at least to say hi and chat for a bit. I made my decision in my head, I chose Dan just because he showed more interest. And then Soni called again. And then again; he had a goo excuse for not calling, too. And now I must admit that I am starting to wonder whether I should try seeing Soni again and see if things go somewhere. But the problem is that I am a bit more involved with Dan, despite the drug issue.
Things got a bit harder now. I met a guy named Steve about a month ago on the internet. He lived in the US, but he just moved here on Tuesday. We kind of had a silent agreement that we were only going to be friends, as he was kind of dating someone and I was kind of dating someone. So I met Steve on Wednesday and we get along really well. We have a lot in common and I can see us becoming good friends; well, at least from what I can see… don’t know if he feels the same way. So friends are good. But there is a little problem. Despite the fact that we are just friends, I find myself feeling very jealous whenever he speaks of other guys or when he looks at someone and mentions they are cute or hot or whatever. I also find that I want to spend more time with him than Dan.
Now, this is not the first time I get jealous when a friend of mine shows attraction for another guy. It happened with Josh at one point and well, that lead to a really bad ending of our friendship. Then it happened with Paco, and thanks to the fact I kept it quiet, we were able to become really good friends. Then it happened with Sean and well, he didn’t feel comfortable talking to me ever again once I mentioned it. I don’t know why I have a nick for getting little crushes on my gay friends, but I do. And this time I don’t know what to do. Steve and I seem to have a lot in common and so far it seems we share a lot of the same goals. But I think it’d be the best thing to continue being JUST friends and let him meet somebody. It almost hurts me to think of him with someone else, but I rather have his friendship than lose him altogether for trying to have something more…
And well, because I have been spending a bit of time with Steve, Dan is feeling a bit jealous (even tho he told me he wasn;t exactly looking for a relationship. He even called me yesterday in the middle of the night to see if I had gone home to sleep or if I had gone with Steve. And this morning he called me and after telling him I was gong out with Steve again tonight, he asked me if I wanted to date him exclusively. That offer sounds tempting, as I have finally made an impact on someone to the point that they want to be with me and only me. But then I think abut the drugs, and it bothers me. And deep down I feel like I don’t want to be attached to him.
What if the guy I am supposed to be with comes along and I am attached to Dan, and I miss my chance? And what if I already met the person I am supposed to be with, and he realizes that I want more than just a friendship (and well, hopefully he does too), but I am attached to Dan and I miss that chance? And what if I do like Dan a lot, but in the back on my mind I always despise the fact that he uses drugs?
Well I told Dan I needed to see him again before I made a choice. But this time it would be different; I want to see him on a real date. Go for coffee or whatever and just talk. No alcohol, no big crowds, no loud music. Just us, so we can talk about the things we want from life and see if we really are compatible or not. And I also will dive further into the whole drug issue, to really understand how likely he is to give it up if him and I became serious. After all I can’t ask him to change. But I can make a decision whether or not to get involved with him.
So the days go by. I feel a certain strong excitement inside my stomach because I will be going out with Steve. And it is not the kind of excitement that you feel when you’re seeing a good friend; it feels more like the butterflies of a crush. But we’ll see. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have a broken heart (if he meets someone else at the club and they hit it off) and I’ll be able to get over this and see things for what they really are: a friendship.
And then I’ll feel a bit relieved; one less thing to worry about.
And then it will be much clearer: Steve will be a good friend but nothing more, I will have a big decision to make with Dan, and perhaps I’ll accidentally break the hearts of Patrick and Soni. And hopefully I am making the right decisions with everyone and I will have no regrets.
I sometimes don’t like the person I have been pushed to become. I sometimes wish I met less people that were interested in me. I sometimes wish I was not attracted to a guy friend just because he is nice and cute. I sometimes wish I finally met the guy I am supposed to be with, whether forever or for a long while, so that I didn’t have to make any more decisions, and I never had to break another heart, or have my heart broken again.
If only it was that easy.