Still Growing (Emotionally)...
There have been a couple of times in my life when I have felt like I have found myself. I’ve felt like I learned everything there is to know and like I understand exactly what I want out of life. And then all of a sudden I grow more and realize that maybe I’m not as sure of where I stand as I’d like to be. And then I make decisions and continue to make mistakes and to grow as a person.
I really believe that I grew emotionally greatly in the past two months. I made a big mistake that I don’t want to talk about in detail, and I learned a couple of things about myself, about what I want in life and about who I am. I went through two relationships that had the potential to become so much more, but I chose not to pursue either because they didn’t make me quite happy for different reasons.
Let’s start with Matt. I met Matt a few months ago on the internet, and we had chatted a couple of times, but never met until a month ago. He is more mature than many of the guys I’ve met in the past moths, and I had a great time with him. He made me laugh a lot and I had a great time with him. I did consider having a relationship with him, but soon I began to realize I didn’t want to. Yea, I had a great time with him and I got along with his friends, and I laughed more than I had in a while. I liked kissing and cuddling; yet, the thought of us moving into something more intimate didn’t appeal to me. It would have been great if we could have continued dating with kisses and cuddles. But I didn’t want to move into a relationship that involved anything else than that. Matt was like a really good friend who I liked kissing. But there were no butterflies. None, at all. I think it’s clear by now that we’re not dating anymore, although I feel like the biggest jerk for not coming clear with him; I didn’t know how to do it, and the times I was determined to do it, I chickened out. But he’s stopped calling, and our msn chats are very casual, and no intentions of going out again are shown on either side. I would consider hanging out again, but I’m done with the kissing: the only thing I can offer him is my friendship and nothing else.
The thing with Colin was short and sweet, for me at least; I don’t think he wants to see me ever again, and I guess I am at fault, but for one time I think I did the right thing, and I’m getting punished and feeling guilty for it now. We had just started dating and I liked him a lot. We had talked about the future about actually going out and stuff. The problem is he lives in Nanaimo, and, as close as that is, it would still be a long distance relationship. It’s all good right now in the summer because he could come visit whenever and I could find a day where I could spend all day with him. But soon he’s going away to a small island in BC to work at a resort for two moths, and by the time he’d come back we’d both be in school and working, and then it’d be even harder to meet. I decided to tell him I didn’t want us to date anymore, and he wasn’t exactly interested in my reasoning. He was upset and angry at me for not ending it sooner. I guess I am a bit angry at myself for not ending it sooner. I did let some feelings get tangled up, and it hurt to have it all disappear. He blames me for ending something before it begins for fear of getting hurt badly in the future. I think I was right to do that because I have the experience of a long distance relationship, and I know that I am not happy in that kind of relationship for various reasons. Realistically I didn’t see us together for more than maybe a couple of months, and then we’d be a lot more involved, and it would hurt that much more to break up. Whatever the case, and no matter who of us is right or wrong, or if I made a mistake for dumping him before we even started going out, the decision was made and our little thing has ended. Whether we ever talk again is yet to be known.
At one point this past month I did what could possibly be the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I am not going to pretend that I am ashamed of the choices I made, but in a way I wish I had had better judgment. However, what is done is done and can’t be changed. I learned from this mistake and I grew and I discovered things about myself that I didn’t quite know. I wish to believe that this was the darkest point in my life and that I will be a better person from now on. I’ve already started setting some events into motion to try to prove to myself that I am a good boy. And I believe myself, and that is the important thing.
So here I am again, pretty much in the same place that I was a couple of months ago: I am single, but full of hope that I will finally meet the right guy and something will actually work out. Two failed relationships, one big mistake, and I find myself in the same position. In the same position, but with a lot more insight into my own person and a lot more knowledge about what I want in life.
"What is your guess, darling?
Have I lived too much, too fast?
So if you ever come and find me crying
Now you know why"
The search for Mr. Right continues…
I really believe that I grew emotionally greatly in the past two months. I made a big mistake that I don’t want to talk about in detail, and I learned a couple of things about myself, about what I want in life and about who I am. I went through two relationships that had the potential to become so much more, but I chose not to pursue either because they didn’t make me quite happy for different reasons.
Let’s start with Matt. I met Matt a few months ago on the internet, and we had chatted a couple of times, but never met until a month ago. He is more mature than many of the guys I’ve met in the past moths, and I had a great time with him. He made me laugh a lot and I had a great time with him. I did consider having a relationship with him, but soon I began to realize I didn’t want to. Yea, I had a great time with him and I got along with his friends, and I laughed more than I had in a while. I liked kissing and cuddling; yet, the thought of us moving into something more intimate didn’t appeal to me. It would have been great if we could have continued dating with kisses and cuddles. But I didn’t want to move into a relationship that involved anything else than that. Matt was like a really good friend who I liked kissing. But there were no butterflies. None, at all. I think it’s clear by now that we’re not dating anymore, although I feel like the biggest jerk for not coming clear with him; I didn’t know how to do it, and the times I was determined to do it, I chickened out. But he’s stopped calling, and our msn chats are very casual, and no intentions of going out again are shown on either side. I would consider hanging out again, but I’m done with the kissing: the only thing I can offer him is my friendship and nothing else.
The thing with Colin was short and sweet, for me at least; I don’t think he wants to see me ever again, and I guess I am at fault, but for one time I think I did the right thing, and I’m getting punished and feeling guilty for it now. We had just started dating and I liked him a lot. We had talked about the future about actually going out and stuff. The problem is he lives in Nanaimo, and, as close as that is, it would still be a long distance relationship. It’s all good right now in the summer because he could come visit whenever and I could find a day where I could spend all day with him. But soon he’s going away to a small island in BC to work at a resort for two moths, and by the time he’d come back we’d both be in school and working, and then it’d be even harder to meet. I decided to tell him I didn’t want us to date anymore, and he wasn’t exactly interested in my reasoning. He was upset and angry at me for not ending it sooner. I guess I am a bit angry at myself for not ending it sooner. I did let some feelings get tangled up, and it hurt to have it all disappear. He blames me for ending something before it begins for fear of getting hurt badly in the future. I think I was right to do that because I have the experience of a long distance relationship, and I know that I am not happy in that kind of relationship for various reasons. Realistically I didn’t see us together for more than maybe a couple of months, and then we’d be a lot more involved, and it would hurt that much more to break up. Whatever the case, and no matter who of us is right or wrong, or if I made a mistake for dumping him before we even started going out, the decision was made and our little thing has ended. Whether we ever talk again is yet to be known.
At one point this past month I did what could possibly be the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I am not going to pretend that I am ashamed of the choices I made, but in a way I wish I had had better judgment. However, what is done is done and can’t be changed. I learned from this mistake and I grew and I discovered things about myself that I didn’t quite know. I wish to believe that this was the darkest point in my life and that I will be a better person from now on. I’ve already started setting some events into motion to try to prove to myself that I am a good boy. And I believe myself, and that is the important thing.
So here I am again, pretty much in the same place that I was a couple of months ago: I am single, but full of hope that I will finally meet the right guy and something will actually work out. Two failed relationships, one big mistake, and I find myself in the same position. In the same position, but with a lot more insight into my own person and a lot more knowledge about what I want in life.
"What is your guess, darling?
Have I lived too much, too fast?
So if you ever come and find me crying
Now you know why"
The search for Mr. Right continues…