Living for the moment
It seems LJ maintenance has not been a high priority as of late... or perhaps I have not been doing anything particularly noteworthy.
Lately I've been living for the moment. It has served as an interregnum from my self expectations of perfection and extreme discipline. However, living exclusively for the present leaves me feeling hollow emotionally, and more importantly: mentally. I find myself feeling guilty... guilty that I have done nothing to forward my mind, my future, my life. In an attempt to assuage my guilt, I bought a book on Friday. Unfortunately, in the shopping center where the Oakton Music & Arts is, the bookstore was replaced by an ABC store (which I thought to be a comic parallel to my life) so I had to settle for a book from the grocery store. I poured over the selection for about 15 minutes and settled for a psychological thriller murder mystery. So far, although the writing isn't particularly imaginative, I'm enjoying it. However, I find it slightly disconcerting that I identify best with the character who has borderline personality disorder, manipulates and seduces men, and eventually kills herself. That speaks volumes about my high self-opinion.
Although I've been highly social in the past few weeks, I feel that little of it has furthered or deepened any of my relationships. I think I've been using social events as a medium to indulge my alcohol consumption desires. It is painful, but important, to admit that possibility to myself. I think my desire to drink more than normal, comes from the former mentioned lack of self-forwarding going on lately. Luckily, my health insurance card just came (I was uninsured and terrified about it for about 2 months), so I'm going to go ahead and schedule my wisdom teeth surgery. After I recover from that, I'm going back to my ways of diligence.
Now I feel like I better understand how people get “stuck” in their lives and stop growing, forwarding, and developing themselves. I don't want to let that happen... ever.
Lately I've been living for the moment. It has served as an interregnum from my self expectations of perfection and extreme discipline. However, living exclusively for the present leaves me feeling hollow emotionally, and more importantly: mentally. I find myself feeling guilty... guilty that I have done nothing to forward my mind, my future, my life. In an attempt to assuage my guilt, I bought a book on Friday. Unfortunately, in the shopping center where the Oakton Music & Arts is, the bookstore was replaced by an ABC store (which I thought to be a comic parallel to my life) so I had to settle for a book from the grocery store. I poured over the selection for about 15 minutes and settled for a psychological thriller murder mystery. So far, although the writing isn't particularly imaginative, I'm enjoying it. However, I find it slightly disconcerting that I identify best with the character who has borderline personality disorder, manipulates and seduces men, and eventually kills herself. That speaks volumes about my high self-opinion.
Although I've been highly social in the past few weeks, I feel that little of it has furthered or deepened any of my relationships. I think I've been using social events as a medium to indulge my alcohol consumption desires. It is painful, but important, to admit that possibility to myself. I think my desire to drink more than normal, comes from the former mentioned lack of self-forwarding going on lately. Luckily, my health insurance card just came (I was uninsured and terrified about it for about 2 months), so I'm going to go ahead and schedule my wisdom teeth surgery. After I recover from that, I'm going back to my ways of diligence.
Now I feel like I better understand how people get “stuck” in their lives and stop growing, forwarding, and developing themselves. I don't want to let that happen... ever.