Peach Season
The past few weeks have been a bit difficult. I felt a week of frustration and pain, followed by a brief period of perhaps too much happiness, then enough pain to make me question a few things I’d taken for granted. Now, I feel like I’m in a flux vacuum. Trying, I am, to entertain possibility. But I have identified a chasm inside myself. Now, what/where exactly this is from is debatable. Perhaps it’s more than one thing. I feel like I’ve been denied for some period. Emotionally nurtured in a certain way, that coaxed my personality in a direction that is contrary to my true dreams. Take that away, and there is one who is struggling to remember small details, basic functions. Suddenly, much happier in herself, but also afraid in new possibility. Much like vertigo. Then, there is this underlying fear that separation anxieties have not yet manifested and questioning if they will not. A desire to hold myself to a new standard while at the same time struggling to rekindle the girl I once was. Add to that a reversal in sexuality after a half-decade period. Family joys and trauma. A cat that is coping with the loss of her lover. … it’s just all so much. I’m rushing and getting confused. I feel like my heart’s on fire, and I could explode.
It’s good, though. Just terribly frightening. I am not behaving in the most balanced way, perhaps. But with balance, flux cannot manifest itself. Balance is inertia to change. I’ll rekindle it once I find a more comfortable position-- that I would want to stay in for a period. Eh, that’s a much better way of seeing it, than I’m a crazy person on the loose, prone to falling off the tracks and totally losing her grip. I feel slightly better now.
Another thing, I am consumed with the desire to create something. Something decent and amazing. I’m struggling with inspiration. Pulling only half-baked fancies and abstractions from my mirthy mind. All in time, I suppose. Still, damn. Empty journal. Just starting to remember the poems I once loved. It’s a good feeling, but strange at the same time.
Do I dare to eat a peach? I’m waiting on them to come into season. It’s coming soon. ;)
It’s good, though. Just terribly frightening. I am not behaving in the most balanced way, perhaps. But with balance, flux cannot manifest itself. Balance is inertia to change. I’ll rekindle it once I find a more comfortable position-- that I would want to stay in for a period. Eh, that’s a much better way of seeing it, than I’m a crazy person on the loose, prone to falling off the tracks and totally losing her grip. I feel slightly better now.
Another thing, I am consumed with the desire to create something. Something decent and amazing. I’m struggling with inspiration. Pulling only half-baked fancies and abstractions from my mirthy mind. All in time, I suppose. Still, damn. Empty journal. Just starting to remember the poems I once loved. It’s a good feeling, but strange at the same time.
Do I dare to eat a peach? I’m waiting on them to come into season. It’s coming soon. ;)