fears, worries, and prayers

[clarabellemcnts]

is there anything more terrifying than having your parents tell you everything you need to still do in order to move out? i need to make some calls, finalize some things, so that i can hurry pack and get out of here. the family is already anticipating my leaving. makes me wonder if i'm that much of a burden to live with. if my own family can't live with me, how can i expect anyone else to? completely irrational, i know. i've lived with others, and i think that it was good. how do i know, though? it's happened before where i shared something important to me, thought that they were enjoying it, only it turns out that the event wasn't what they thought it would be. it happened a couple times in the past. now, years later, i still have issues with sharing important things. What am i saying? i've always had issues with sharing the important things. i've gotten better at faking opening up. well, no. none of it's fake. everything that i do share in meaningful moments is true, i simply don't tell all. back to the burden that i place on the family, though. you think that i don't hear the arguments? you think i don't feel the tension? you think i won't know that the tension eases when i leave? whoever said that you can never go home again was right. at home they will always love you, but after a while it is not the same. i get mixed messages. there is the message that i am my parents' daughter and they will always love me, and the "you are just a visitor in this house and you have over stayed your welcome".

now here i go. 4 hrs away from home. 5 hrs away from many of my friends.

it hurts.

i'm going crazy.

i want the pain to stop

i want life

where did my life go?

why can't i feel?

when did i feel last?

help
help me
help me live

show me
show me joyous life

take me away

take me there

take me where i need to be

how long must i go on?

muddling through

existing, not living.

LIFE!