Someday In The Rain [CLOSED]
WHO: May, closed.
WHERE: Streets around town.
WHEN: Tuesday, March 18th- afternoon
WHAT: Loli has stuff on her mind. ): (Solo log- ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE DOING IT.)
WARNINGS: Stream-of-consciousness, MASSIVE tl;dr, loli angst and violence to a poor, defenseless wall. ;_;
FINISHED
It was spring break, but it didn't feel like much of a break to May. Having been cooped up in the house for so long had made her feel sluggish and itching for the freedom of the outside. Finally having the chance to slip outside for some fresh air was a welcome relief from the constrictions of the tiny 1 room apartment she and Johnny shared, and had done so for the vast recent number of years. Somehow, it seemed smaller and lonelier these days than it ever seemed in the past near-decade; but maybe that was a result of the alternatives she had been given during the winter months, only to come back home. She stopped in her walk along one of the many quieter sidestreets in the slum of Clairbourn; it was a business street, not a residential one, but there was scarcely a buzz about the place, so it was peaceful, allowing her to think freely for the 1st time in awhile.
Streetlife meant always having the freedom to go where you wanted, when you wanted, as long as you could stay alive; even though she now had the comforts of a home life, increasingly moreso this past year, it was also more restricting. The point to which she had been forbidden to leave the house was getting incredibly uncomfortable for her; she needed to be out and about, exploring and playing. Her freedom was worth more than her safety at those points, in her logic, but maybe that was just her condition.
That wasn't the only thing that had changed so much in the past year, since she had become involved with the school and thus, other people in town outside of the Jellyfish and a handful of acquaintances. Most notably..
She smiled a little, stopping in her slow meandering stroll to glance up at the spires of the cathedral that peeked up even over the buildings around her. It was, in all honesty, rather close to her current location; she could visit if she liked. At least, she could if it wouldn't cause a ruckus..
Letting out a forlorn sigh, she turned away again. It was for the best, right? That they not 'see' each other.. The way things had been going on, she supposed he was right. But that she'd seen so far, it hadn't helped a bit; she had to restrain herself from interjecting on the last fight she'd seen between the two on the network. She was angry with them, and she was angry with herself. She wasn't sure why- it was stupid to think that maybe if she wasn't around, it'd be better, since she was the subject of the fights- then they wouldn't exist, and besides thinking things like that wasn't going to get either of them nor herself anywhere. She hated it, she absolutely hated being caught in the middle of the fighting, but there wasn't anything she could do about it. More than that, it seemed that even if she didn't do anything, it wouldn't work out either. Johnny was stubborn and refused to accept any form of apology or peace offering, and Duo wasn't going to back down from trying. She really hadn't made anything better when she had tried to do something about it- it always ended up that she'd be in trouble, Johnny'd be angry with them both and Duo would have to end up apologizing for her. Maybe she just needed to grow up..
But how exactly did one 'grow up'? Wasn't it just something that came naturally? She didn't understand it, when she would be told to act more mature. How did one make such an effort? She tried to be obedient and listen to Johnny, she really did! But sometimes, his demands just seemed.. unfair. Unfair and unbalanced.. but she couldn't refuse. On that note, why couldn't she? What was it that made her heel to him when she was a firecracker to anyone else? Stopping again and staring again at the pavement beneath her feet, she thought about what Johnny was. She could never explain it, in the slightest. He was just Johnny. He'd picked her and April up on the street when she was a mere toddler.. he'd kept her by his side and taken care of her needs before his own constantly. And yet she'd come to believe that she was in love with him, somehow. Why? How? And why was it now, that she felt that bond weakening so much?
Her feet had begun to move again without her knowing it, and she soon found herself standing in one of the alleyways on the street, silent and empty apart from some garbage and weeds. What was the loyalty she felt towards Johnny, that had begun in an alley like this one? It was graciousness. Loyalty based upon the sole fact that, had he not decided to take her along, both she and April would likely be dead this very day. Was that all it was? Had she in fact convinced herself it was something else? She couldn't believe something like that. It had felt too real for too long, even if it was slowly eroding lately. Why was it eroding? Frowning, she leaned her forehead against the brick wall nearby. Was a love based only on thankfulness and a need to repay him that empty? She didn't think that was it, so her mind went a different route. In doing so, the thoughts of all the new friends and family she'd made since school began flooded her mind, and suddenly he grew tinier.
Was that it? Was it because she had more than just him, now? Because she didn't have to cling to his single person anymore? This conclusion suddenly made her stomach turn, a great anger rising up in her. She grit her teeth, hands tightening into fists. No way.. It wasn't that breakable! Her love couldn't be that cheaply watered down, could it? By a few new people she barely new compared to Johnny?
Her mind stopped her again. Compared to Johnny.. She barely even knew him. She'd barely known anything for so many years until very recently, and even when she tried to learn more, her efforts were fruitless. Comparatively, in only a matter of months, she'd learned so much about her other friends.. about him..
Her anger lashed out without any thought, her fist connecting to the wall. It probably hurt, but she didn't show it- she was too busy seething at herself. How could she so cheaply throw away 10 years of companionship!? Why did she want to!? And why did she, instead, want to place her confused self in the hands of a boy she'd only known for a little under 5 months? It made no sense to her when she thought about it, yet her gut feeling and her heart were telling her different. Was that what it meant to be mature? To learn to go with your head and not your heart? Or was it the other way around? And did that mean, in order to grow up, one had to give up their heart, so to speak? Wrinkling her nose at the thought, she decided that if that was what it meant, she never wanted to grow up.
She hadn't noticed that it'd been raining ever since she had meandered into the alleyway. It was a light shower right now, but with March being the lion it is, she wouldn't have been surprised if it began outright pouring on her. She considered going back home, to get out of the rain, but she didn't want to go home when she had just gained her freedom. She could walk the short distance to the church, but right now she wasn't sure she should, or that she could face him with the way her head was at the moment. She'd probably end up saying or doing something stupid. There was the Jellyfish HQ, but when Johnny came calling she'd be forced to go back home, and she didn't want to return until she was ready. Dizzy was a fair distance away to walk, and besides that it'd be rude of her to impose without notice.
Looking up at the grey sky, she wondered when the skies of her life had turned from the bright blue that she'd always thought they were and peeled away to this bleak reality. She was a dreamer at heart- she couldn't change something like that. Growing up... would that mean giving that up, too? She sniffled a little and hoped she didn't catch a cold again. She couldn't bear to cause him any more trouble than she had lately, and if he caught her sickness it would just mean more trouble. But with the options of where to go narrow, she instead leaned against the brick wall, sliding down it slowly to sit on the gravelly ground it met, hugging her knees to herself as the rain fell and wondering if her heart was crying with the sky, or if it was the other way around.
WHERE: Streets around town.
WHEN: Tuesday, March 18th- afternoon
WHAT: Loli has stuff on her mind. ): (Solo log- ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE DOING IT.)
WARNINGS: Stream-of-consciousness, MASSIVE tl;dr, loli angst and violence to a poor, defenseless wall. ;_;
FINISHED
It was spring break, but it didn't feel like much of a break to May. Having been cooped up in the house for so long had made her feel sluggish and itching for the freedom of the outside. Finally having the chance to slip outside for some fresh air was a welcome relief from the constrictions of the tiny 1 room apartment she and Johnny shared, and had done so for the vast recent number of years. Somehow, it seemed smaller and lonelier these days than it ever seemed in the past near-decade; but maybe that was a result of the alternatives she had been given during the winter months, only to come back home. She stopped in her walk along one of the many quieter sidestreets in the slum of Clairbourn; it was a business street, not a residential one, but there was scarcely a buzz about the place, so it was peaceful, allowing her to think freely for the 1st time in awhile.
Streetlife meant always having the freedom to go where you wanted, when you wanted, as long as you could stay alive; even though she now had the comforts of a home life, increasingly moreso this past year, it was also more restricting. The point to which she had been forbidden to leave the house was getting incredibly uncomfortable for her; she needed to be out and about, exploring and playing. Her freedom was worth more than her safety at those points, in her logic, but maybe that was just her condition.
That wasn't the only thing that had changed so much in the past year, since she had become involved with the school and thus, other people in town outside of the Jellyfish and a handful of acquaintances. Most notably..
She smiled a little, stopping in her slow meandering stroll to glance up at the spires of the cathedral that peeked up even over the buildings around her. It was, in all honesty, rather close to her current location; she could visit if she liked. At least, she could if it wouldn't cause a ruckus..
Letting out a forlorn sigh, she turned away again. It was for the best, right? That they not 'see' each other.. The way things had been going on, she supposed he was right. But that she'd seen so far, it hadn't helped a bit; she had to restrain herself from interjecting on the last fight she'd seen between the two on the network. She was angry with them, and she was angry with herself. She wasn't sure why- it was stupid to think that maybe if she wasn't around, it'd be better, since she was the subject of the fights- then they wouldn't exist, and besides thinking things like that wasn't going to get either of them nor herself anywhere. She hated it, she absolutely hated being caught in the middle of the fighting, but there wasn't anything she could do about it. More than that, it seemed that even if she didn't do anything, it wouldn't work out either. Johnny was stubborn and refused to accept any form of apology or peace offering, and Duo wasn't going to back down from trying. She really hadn't made anything better when she had tried to do something about it- it always ended up that she'd be in trouble, Johnny'd be angry with them both and Duo would have to end up apologizing for her. Maybe she just needed to grow up..
But how exactly did one 'grow up'? Wasn't it just something that came naturally? She didn't understand it, when she would be told to act more mature. How did one make such an effort? She tried to be obedient and listen to Johnny, she really did! But sometimes, his demands just seemed.. unfair. Unfair and unbalanced.. but she couldn't refuse. On that note, why couldn't she? What was it that made her heel to him when she was a firecracker to anyone else? Stopping again and staring again at the pavement beneath her feet, she thought about what Johnny was. She could never explain it, in the slightest. He was just Johnny. He'd picked her and April up on the street when she was a mere toddler.. he'd kept her by his side and taken care of her needs before his own constantly. And yet she'd come to believe that she was in love with him, somehow. Why? How? And why was it now, that she felt that bond weakening so much?
Her feet had begun to move again without her knowing it, and she soon found herself standing in one of the alleyways on the street, silent and empty apart from some garbage and weeds. What was the loyalty she felt towards Johnny, that had begun in an alley like this one? It was graciousness. Loyalty based upon the sole fact that, had he not decided to take her along, both she and April would likely be dead this very day. Was that all it was? Had she in fact convinced herself it was something else? She couldn't believe something like that. It had felt too real for too long, even if it was slowly eroding lately. Why was it eroding? Frowning, she leaned her forehead against the brick wall nearby. Was a love based only on thankfulness and a need to repay him that empty? She didn't think that was it, so her mind went a different route. In doing so, the thoughts of all the new friends and family she'd made since school began flooded her mind, and suddenly he grew tinier.
Was that it? Was it because she had more than just him, now? Because she didn't have to cling to his single person anymore? This conclusion suddenly made her stomach turn, a great anger rising up in her. She grit her teeth, hands tightening into fists. No way.. It wasn't that breakable! Her love couldn't be that cheaply watered down, could it? By a few new people she barely new compared to Johnny?
Her mind stopped her again. Compared to Johnny.. She barely even knew him. She'd barely known anything for so many years until very recently, and even when she tried to learn more, her efforts were fruitless. Comparatively, in only a matter of months, she'd learned so much about her other friends.. about him..
Her anger lashed out without any thought, her fist connecting to the wall. It probably hurt, but she didn't show it- she was too busy seething at herself. How could she so cheaply throw away 10 years of companionship!? Why did she want to!? And why did she, instead, want to place her confused self in the hands of a boy she'd only known for a little under 5 months? It made no sense to her when she thought about it, yet her gut feeling and her heart were telling her different. Was that what it meant to be mature? To learn to go with your head and not your heart? Or was it the other way around? And did that mean, in order to grow up, one had to give up their heart, so to speak? Wrinkling her nose at the thought, she decided that if that was what it meant, she never wanted to grow up.
She hadn't noticed that it'd been raining ever since she had meandered into the alleyway. It was a light shower right now, but with March being the lion it is, she wouldn't have been surprised if it began outright pouring on her. She considered going back home, to get out of the rain, but she didn't want to go home when she had just gained her freedom. She could walk the short distance to the church, but right now she wasn't sure she should, or that she could face him with the way her head was at the moment. She'd probably end up saying or doing something stupid. There was the Jellyfish HQ, but when Johnny came calling she'd be forced to go back home, and she didn't want to return until she was ready. Dizzy was a fair distance away to walk, and besides that it'd be rude of her to impose without notice.
Looking up at the grey sky, she wondered when the skies of her life had turned from the bright blue that she'd always thought they were and peeled away to this bleak reality. She was a dreamer at heart- she couldn't change something like that. Growing up... would that mean giving that up, too? She sniffled a little and hoped she didn't catch a cold again. She couldn't bear to cause him any more trouble than she had lately, and if he caught her sickness it would just mean more trouble. But with the options of where to go narrow, she instead leaned against the brick wall, sliding down it slowly to sit on the gravelly ground it met, hugging her knees to herself as the rain fell and wondering if her heart was crying with the sky, or if it was the other way around.