As Inspired by Edward
Today started out extremely well. I've got to say that today, I actually had an okay (almost fun) time at church. I think God's intervening in my life now, just as I prayed for him to almost an entire year ago.
I've been confused with life in general these days. As written in my previous entries, nothing excites me anymore. Everyday, it's the same routine: wake up, wash, go to school, see the same people, come home, do homework, eat dinner, play guitar (if there's time), and sleep. Even the things that used to excite me weren't very fun anymore. I released my stress through music - playing guitar, listening to metal, etc. It helped, but they were like anti-depressants - temporary relief, but not a complete cure.
School retreats used to really get to me. The sermons, worship, and the true feeling of unity brought me to tears, and I really felt a connection with God. However, as our school grew in size, this began to change. The sermons, no matter how fiery they were, drew nothing but yawns from me. Singing praise songs with my school, which was once something that boosted my spirit up to God, no longer had the same effect. Everything was just annoying; it felt like a waste of my time.
I prayed. Although I kept on getting distracted and sometimes ended up not finishing said prayers, I kept on trying to get into the habit of talking to God. Of course, I never felt any of the 'connection' or 'communication' people say they've felt. And honestly, I still don't. But I kept on trying.
At first, nothing changed, and I kind of grew discouraged. Actually, things grew worse. The whole world was in a recession, and my family wasn't one of the lucky few that were still doing 'well'. As written above and in previous entries, I lost interest in everything. I had no motivation to make anything of myself. If it wasn't for music, I really don't think I would've done anything smart.
I guess today marks some kind of new chapter. Last night, I prayed for three main things.
1) For myself to stop being so apathetic about everything
2) For my family's (and the world's) financial problems to be solved
3) For my love life to be in his hands (luls)
And you know what? I didn't fall asleep during today's sermon. I wasn't even sleepy.
Pastor Ben's message was this: no matter how many mistakes you make, as long as you repent, God will still love you and accept you. To be honest, that didn't get me all emotional or anything. Heck, I really didn't feel anything, either. But his message, as cliche as it may be, kind of made me think.
If I repent for all my wrongdoings; if I repent for all the people I've hated; if I repent for all the hurtful words I've said; if I repent for all the horrible thoughts that ran through my head, would God's presence be more evident in my life? I needed something visual or at least audible. I can't just believe what a book and some pastors say. I need to see it.
Sophia's been talking about how if we don't forgive others, God won't forgive us, and so on and so forth. As usual, I didn't feel anything, but it got me to think. I guess today's message comforted whatever worries (if I had any) that plagued my mind.
Although it's not much, I think my mom and dad are going to start taking over my school's lunch. Fortunately, the pastor of our church allowed them to use the church's kitchen. So I guess this is also a new chapter in our financial book.
The food was honestly horrible today. So with my last dollar, I went to 7 Eleven and bought some strawberry mentos. I came back, but I couldn't get in the car and listen to my iPod 'till we left because the adults had some kind of PTA meeting. And until they came out, I was just kinda hanging out with Joshua, Caleb, and Aaron. Oh, and John too, but he came later on. It was a nice change from being alone, or being surrounded by annoying fobs and vain bitches.
And now, Edward just revealed something that completely shocked me. I guess I can safely say that I envy him for having such a close relationship with God. I like to think that the dark chapters of my life, which have been surfacing quite often recently, is going to be used for Him in the future. I like to imagine that God is trying to make me like John, which makes me feel a whole lot better. Because honestly, I like John's sermons testimonies. They're more thought-provoking than any other sermons, and I actually feel something.
Eh, enough of that. I just felt like writing this 'cause Edward is just so awesome. I would like to say inspirational, but if you've been reading my previous entries, you'd know that I've been lacking inspiration and motivation these days.
I've been confused with life in general these days. As written in my previous entries, nothing excites me anymore. Everyday, it's the same routine: wake up, wash, go to school, see the same people, come home, do homework, eat dinner, play guitar (if there's time), and sleep. Even the things that used to excite me weren't very fun anymore. I released my stress through music - playing guitar, listening to metal, etc. It helped, but they were like anti-depressants - temporary relief, but not a complete cure.
School retreats used to really get to me. The sermons, worship, and the true feeling of unity brought me to tears, and I really felt a connection with God. However, as our school grew in size, this began to change. The sermons, no matter how fiery they were, drew nothing but yawns from me. Singing praise songs with my school, which was once something that boosted my spirit up to God, no longer had the same effect. Everything was just annoying; it felt like a waste of my time.
I prayed. Although I kept on getting distracted and sometimes ended up not finishing said prayers, I kept on trying to get into the habit of talking to God. Of course, I never felt any of the 'connection' or 'communication' people say they've felt. And honestly, I still don't. But I kept on trying.
At first, nothing changed, and I kind of grew discouraged. Actually, things grew worse. The whole world was in a recession, and my family wasn't one of the lucky few that were still doing 'well'. As written above and in previous entries, I lost interest in everything. I had no motivation to make anything of myself. If it wasn't for music, I really don't think I would've done anything smart.
I guess today marks some kind of new chapter. Last night, I prayed for three main things.
1) For myself to stop being so apathetic about everything
2) For my family's (and the world's) financial problems to be solved
3) For my love life to be in his hands (luls)
And you know what? I didn't fall asleep during today's sermon. I wasn't even sleepy.
Pastor Ben's message was this: no matter how many mistakes you make, as long as you repent, God will still love you and accept you. To be honest, that didn't get me all emotional or anything. Heck, I really didn't feel anything, either. But his message, as cliche as it may be, kind of made me think.
If I repent for all my wrongdoings; if I repent for all the people I've hated; if I repent for all the hurtful words I've said; if I repent for all the horrible thoughts that ran through my head, would God's presence be more evident in my life? I needed something visual or at least audible. I can't just believe what a book and some pastors say. I need to see it.
Sophia's been talking about how if we don't forgive others, God won't forgive us, and so on and so forth. As usual, I didn't feel anything, but it got me to think. I guess today's message comforted whatever worries (if I had any) that plagued my mind.
Although it's not much, I think my mom and dad are going to start taking over my school's lunch. Fortunately, the pastor of our church allowed them to use the church's kitchen. So I guess this is also a new chapter in our financial book.
The food was honestly horrible today. So with my last dollar, I went to 7 Eleven and bought some strawberry mentos. I came back, but I couldn't get in the car and listen to my iPod 'till we left because the adults had some kind of PTA meeting. And until they came out, I was just kinda hanging out with Joshua, Caleb, and Aaron. Oh, and John too, but he came later on. It was a nice change from being alone, or being surrounded by annoying fobs and vain bitches.
And now, Edward just revealed something that completely shocked me. I guess I can safely say that I envy him for having such a close relationship with God. I like to think that the dark chapters of my life, which have been surfacing quite often recently, is going to be used for Him in the future. I like to imagine that God is trying to make me like John, which makes me feel a whole lot better. Because honestly, I like John's sermons testimonies. They're more thought-provoking than any other sermons, and I actually feel something.
Eh, enough of that. I just felt like writing this 'cause Edward is just so awesome. I would like to say inspirational, but if you've been reading my previous entries, you'd know that I've been lacking inspiration and motivation these days.