3 Months, to the day. Similar hour, too. Hah
Just something to point out. -shrugs-
--4am Ramblings. (longish)
I find it ironic/amusing that I'll lay in bed and rant about stuff on my mind, stuff bothering me, completely in my head, as though talking to another person, but its just all me.. Even a 2-sided conversation. Always at night, always when everyone else has gone to bed. When I'm in bed, trying to sleep. Work myself up, bring up every little thing that doesn't matter in the long run and think about it. And then I sleep and wake up and continue my day like nothings wrong. Because I can keep thoughts at bay during the day. During activity. Other people talking to me, distractions, games, internet, browsing, videos, music. People, always people. Family, friends, people that don't matter and people I don't know. Well. Mostly internet. And family. Where was I going with this? Ah yes, distractions. They stop when I go to bed. Computer goes off, music is optional, people are asleep. Just me in my bed with my mind and my thoughts and my problems. Or not my problems. I'll take someone else problems too. Want to help. To cheer up. To take away their worries but I can't really. But I keep mine to myself. Control what I can. I don't easily complain - except about pointless things. Things I'll forget about in a few minutes/hours/day. Things that won't matter tomorrow or next week. Rarely anything else. Don't open up easily, talk about serious things. Steer clear, wanna keep a good mood when I have it. Thinking gets one down if you don't have the answers to the questions.
Don't know what I wanna say now, losing my train of thought.
Relationships.
Strange things at times. Whats the attraction factor? How can you love someone and not be able to put a reason to why? The heart doesn't follow logic. Sounds like a philosophical quote from somewhere. Maybe it is. I don't like getting 'philosophical' 'cause its all supposition. Or I probably picked it up from something I read. Originality, what's that? At any rate, it feels fake. Dislike writing stuff that I don't care about. Always feels like I'm bullshitting. Making stuff up. Same with answering history/science/literature questions or whatever. Doubt my ability to remember the actual stuff accurately so I might as well be making half of it up. How does it manage to work out? Unconsciously remember stuff? I'onno.
Off on a tangent.. what was it I started? Ah, relationships. Long-distance sucks something terrible. Always said I wouldn't do that but where am I now? Hah. Don't really regret it. Just hate the distance. And though I always hated the idea, I'd still get attached to people I talked to online. How many? Doesn't matter anyway, nothing else was ever a real relationship. Perhaps more real than what I had with my ex, and he was here. But regardless.
Attachments. There was a time.. I have no doubt that if Alex had ever wanted to try an actual relationship, I would've agreed. Not anymore of course. Things change too much, he's changed and hell, it probably wouldn't have worked. And Jason. That changes things. Change was/is a good thing. And then the change stops.
Stasis.
In reality, thats exactly how it feels right now. First was getting to know each other, getting used to each other. It was new, exciting. I suppose all new relationships are like that. Change. Or lack thereof. Its a waiting game, now. We're on a plateau and I don't know how to go any further with things the way they are currently. Distance. Limits growth. All we have are words. Mostly text, phone is only slightly better. Conversation lacking, lack of lives of doing anything besides sit at the computer. College and jobs and stuff will change that, but probably not much.
Routine.
All it is. Wake up. Eat. Bathroom. Sleep. Repeat. Insert computer wherever. Internet. Talking about nothing.
Words.
I thought they were enough. Or nearly enough. And they were, I was content. When did that change? Slowly, I'd assume. Sneaking up until you realize they stop meaning much. For all you know they could be habit, lack of feeling. of emotion. of knowing in your heart the truth. Known all in my head now. Doubt creeps in, worry. Distance. Can't hang out can't share lives. Half the stuff talked about, at least when either hangs with friends is pretty much always a 'you had to be there' to really get the full meaning, context, amusement. Not enough. Never enough. For a time you can fool yourself into thinking it is. To some extent it was. But still an amount of pretending that gets harder as it goes on.
.Reality. (sucks, doesn't it?)
I'm done. With the rambling, I mean. Pointless, perhaps. Random thoughts mixed together.
Tangents. Doesn't matter if most people read this. Probably a small number of people that will care at all. Whatever.
One more thing, before I go. Done a little art. Not much, really, but I might as well post it.
1st: Meh. Playing around with colors.. not happy with how they turned out, but experimenting does that. Have the lineart saved though, so I'll probably eventually try a digitally colored version. 2nd: I've actually shown two-thirds of it before. Just not the 3rd one 'cause he wasn't finished at the time. So yeah. All together, the writing was me randomly putting commentary about what I liked/didn't like about the parts. -shrugs-
Sailor Moon sketch I started on my sister's birthday. Figured I'd draw it and give it as a [belated] birthday gift. Haven't finished it. 2nd picture was inspired by the Hellboy movie. Heh. Crappy but meh. May look up a decent reference at some point and try to fix the face and such.
So yeah, art. Have a piece I've been in the progress of digitally coloring for a month or so now. Haven't done anything on it in a while, but I don't have the program for it on this computer yet, and the chances of me being able to work at it on the desktop are kinda slim. Meh.
Time to sleep, now. As it is I'm looking at.. meh, 6~ hours. Its enough. >> Half what I usually end up doing, but whatever.
And.. I need to pee. haha. But I'd have to walk through sister's room and down the stairs(old house.. creaking floors and she's a semi-light sleeper. Hates if I wake her up and she'll be up in.. an hour and a half to shower before heading to work.) Haha. So I'll just stay up here in my room. Sleep.. probably have weird dreams involving toilets, etc. And go on with another day.
--4am Ramblings. (longish)
I find it ironic/amusing that I'll lay in bed and rant about stuff on my mind, stuff bothering me, completely in my head, as though talking to another person, but its just all me.. Even a 2-sided conversation. Always at night, always when everyone else has gone to bed. When I'm in bed, trying to sleep. Work myself up, bring up every little thing that doesn't matter in the long run and think about it. And then I sleep and wake up and continue my day like nothings wrong. Because I can keep thoughts at bay during the day. During activity. Other people talking to me, distractions, games, internet, browsing, videos, music. People, always people. Family, friends, people that don't matter and people I don't know. Well. Mostly internet. And family. Where was I going with this? Ah yes, distractions. They stop when I go to bed. Computer goes off, music is optional, people are asleep. Just me in my bed with my mind and my thoughts and my problems. Or not my problems. I'll take someone else problems too. Want to help. To cheer up. To take away their worries but I can't really. But I keep mine to myself. Control what I can. I don't easily complain - except about pointless things. Things I'll forget about in a few minutes/hours/day. Things that won't matter tomorrow or next week. Rarely anything else. Don't open up easily, talk about serious things. Steer clear, wanna keep a good mood when I have it. Thinking gets one down if you don't have the answers to the questions.
Don't know what I wanna say now, losing my train of thought.
Relationships.
Strange things at times. Whats the attraction factor? How can you love someone and not be able to put a reason to why? The heart doesn't follow logic. Sounds like a philosophical quote from somewhere. Maybe it is. I don't like getting 'philosophical' 'cause its all supposition. Or I probably picked it up from something I read. Originality, what's that? At any rate, it feels fake. Dislike writing stuff that I don't care about. Always feels like I'm bullshitting. Making stuff up. Same with answering history/science/literature questions or whatever. Doubt my ability to remember the actual stuff accurately so I might as well be making half of it up. How does it manage to work out? Unconsciously remember stuff? I'onno.
Off on a tangent.. what was it I started? Ah, relationships. Long-distance sucks something terrible. Always said I wouldn't do that but where am I now? Hah. Don't really regret it. Just hate the distance. And though I always hated the idea, I'd still get attached to people I talked to online. How many? Doesn't matter anyway, nothing else was ever a real relationship. Perhaps more real than what I had with my ex, and he was here. But regardless.
Attachments. There was a time.. I have no doubt that if Alex had ever wanted to try an actual relationship, I would've agreed. Not anymore of course. Things change too much, he's changed and hell, it probably wouldn't have worked. And Jason. That changes things. Change was/is a good thing. And then the change stops.
Stasis.
In reality, thats exactly how it feels right now. First was getting to know each other, getting used to each other. It was new, exciting. I suppose all new relationships are like that. Change. Or lack thereof. Its a waiting game, now. We're on a plateau and I don't know how to go any further with things the way they are currently. Distance. Limits growth. All we have are words. Mostly text, phone is only slightly better. Conversation lacking, lack of lives of doing anything besides sit at the computer. College and jobs and stuff will change that, but probably not much.
Routine.
All it is. Wake up. Eat. Bathroom. Sleep. Repeat. Insert computer wherever. Internet. Talking about nothing.
Words.
I thought they were enough. Or nearly enough. And they were, I was content. When did that change? Slowly, I'd assume. Sneaking up until you realize they stop meaning much. For all you know they could be habit, lack of feeling. of emotion. of knowing in your heart the truth. Known all in my head now. Doubt creeps in, worry. Distance. Can't hang out can't share lives. Half the stuff talked about, at least when either hangs with friends is pretty much always a 'you had to be there' to really get the full meaning, context, amusement. Not enough. Never enough. For a time you can fool yourself into thinking it is. To some extent it was. But still an amount of pretending that gets harder as it goes on.
.Reality. (sucks, doesn't it?)
I'm done. With the rambling, I mean. Pointless, perhaps. Random thoughts mixed together.
Tangents. Doesn't matter if most people read this. Probably a small number of people that will care at all. Whatever.
One more thing, before I go. Done a little art. Not much, really, but I might as well post it.
1st: Meh. Playing around with colors.. not happy with how they turned out, but experimenting does that. Have the lineart saved though, so I'll probably eventually try a digitally colored version. 2nd: I've actually shown two-thirds of it before. Just not the 3rd one 'cause he wasn't finished at the time. So yeah. All together, the writing was me randomly putting commentary about what I liked/didn't like about the parts. -shrugs-
Sailor Moon sketch I started on my sister's birthday. Figured I'd draw it and give it as a [belated] birthday gift. Haven't finished it. 2nd picture was inspired by the Hellboy movie. Heh. Crappy but meh. May look up a decent reference at some point and try to fix the face and such.
So yeah, art. Have a piece I've been in the progress of digitally coloring for a month or so now. Haven't done anything on it in a while, but I don't have the program for it on this computer yet, and the chances of me being able to work at it on the desktop are kinda slim. Meh.
Time to sleep, now. As it is I'm looking at.. meh, 6~ hours. Its enough. >> Half what I usually end up doing, but whatever.
And.. I need to pee. haha. But I'd have to walk through sister's room and down the stairs(old house.. creaking floors and she's a semi-light sleeper. Hates if I wake her up and she'll be up in.. an hour and a half to shower before heading to work.) Haha. So I'll just stay up here in my room. Sleep.. probably have weird dreams involving toilets, etc. And go on with another day.