where did she go?
When I was around 14, I met a girl named Cathe. And I fell in love. She and I were together for a while. Almost two years. But we were both so young, and our lives were impossible. We were both practically homeless, just crashing where we could. And we both had serious drug problems. And we just wanted to die. Not just hating life, but wanting to not wake up in the morning. I decided that she and I being together was going to be the death of both of us. And it broke her heart. But she still wanted to be my friend. Still my best friend. When I was 16, I took over 85 50 mg tegretol (anti-convulsant/ mood regulator). I just couldn't do it anymore. I wanted out. Cathe, who had never been to my house, made the 25 minute drive in 10 minutes. She found me, half carried, half drug me to the car, and stayed in the backseat with me while a friend drove to the hospital. I don't remember much of the trip, but I remember the clouds, and I remember Catherine's eyes, looking right in mine, begging me to be okay. I started to convulse when they got me on the examination table. My stomach was pumped 3 times, and I haven't been as 'on it' as I once was. I almost died. And so many of my friends didn't want anything to do with me. But Cathe still loved me. Even though I had broken her heart, she saved my life. I have always considered Cathe to be my best friend. We have always had a connection. We know when the other is not okay. It takes one word from her, and I know if she is doing alright, or if she hates the world. She has been by my side through thick and thin. Through boyfriends, and a shitty marriage, she has been there for me to talk to and cry on. I thought I was always there for her, too. I was always willing to drop everything for her. Recently, in the past 4 or so months, life has gotten harder and harder for Cathe. Her husband takes her for granted, and she works her ass off trying to make everything just right. I know that she feels she isn't good enough. I wanted to do everything for her that I could. She told me she just needed time. Time to think and decide, and then we could spend time together, have dinner, let our kids play together, all the stuff we use to do. I haven't had a real conversation with my friend in over a month. She wouldn't talk to me. She works with my ex-boyfriend, and they talk all the time. I've known for a while that my ex, Jason, has been saying things to her that aren't completely true. Until yesterday, I thought she knew what was really going on, that she wasn't buying into his shit. Then yesterday had to come along and smack me in the face. Jason said she didn't want to talk to me because she doesn't agree with my choices. He said that he has to stick up for me whenever he goes over to their house, because they talk shit. I didn't want to believe it. But today Cathe called to ask me if I said something stupid that I didn't say, and I figured, what the fuck?! I couldn't just keep on not knowing what the problem is. She finally told me she thinks what I'm doing is messed up. See,I don't have anywhere else to move to, so I have to stay in the apartment that Jason and I rented together. He had moved out, but then he moved back in. The only person I can talk to anymore without being told I'm doing the wrong thing is my friend Shawn. He and I hang out on the weekends because we work the same schedule and our kids love to play together. She says it is wrong of me to live with one guy and spend time with another. But I don't get it. I dont sleep with either of them. I don't lead either of them on. I'm not doing anything wrong! I feel so betrayed and so hurt. I have lost my best friend. I miss the Cathe I use to know. And it makes me so mad that Jason doesn't care that he fucked it up. He says its too bad that we can't be friends anymore, but it has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with my decisions. I guess what I was suppose to do was pretend to be in love so he could pay my bills. Yeah, 18 years of letting him take care of me and my son when I don't love him the way he deserves is way better then trying to do the right thing. I can't just take advantage of the love someone has for me. Especially if I can't return that love honestly. I hate that I lost my best friend. I hate being angry with her. I hate having all this shit inside my head. And as Shawn would say, "Leah needs a serious attitude adjustment!" which really means a good rogering is in order! It's probably going to be a while.