Can't talk about it....
How can a family that started off so "normal" become such a complete mess?
How can memories of a time past be so different from current reality?
How do you get help when talking about it too much is considered gossip? Or is it?
Why is it that people who easily open up when asked "How is everything" are considered "lose-lipped", gossipers, or trying to get attention? Maybe because many people are. But for those of us truly in need of advice, in fear of saying too much - of "gossiping in the form of prayer requests" - we just have to bottle everything up until little pieces of the struggle slip out and we get to feel guilty later. Then the same people end up hearing the little pieces of info that you can't hold in, and they just start to think you are a drama queen or that you just aren't trying hard enough to follow their advice.
Maybe you have to have everything fall apart where you can't hide it anymore so that it vomits out in the open for all to see, whether you want them to or not, before it is considered not your fault that it is in the open now, and a "crisis situation" rather than gossip. Maybe then you can get help. Cause after all, gossip is when you involve someone else who isn't part of the problem or the solution, right?
Well heck, then at this rate, all of us that are personally involved in the problem will just keep spiraling out of control and pulling the rest down, because honestly... I can't think of anyone I can talk to who would be part of the solution. I just need someone to know that I am broken and just can't do it anymore. I am out of ideas, out of energy, low on faith, and growing numb. But I can't talk about it. You can't help my family any more than the counselors or other people I have talked to can. Plus it is probably a bigger job than anyone really wants to hang around for anyways.... Ever notice how people are always interested at first, out of genuine concern and a little curiosity? But after awhile... when things don't get better... they get more weary of listening to you..... can't blame them. I feel the same way. I really don't want to do that to anyone else anyways.
I pray. Yes, I still do that. And shouldn't that be enough at this point? I can't do anymore at this point anyways.... And get this, it isn't even about me!! Honestly, I am not the one drowning! I am just drowning trying to keep others afloat, but I could let go if I had to, right? IT ISN'T FLIPPIN ABOUT ME! So why should I have to bring someone else in... I am already a someone else. A someone else bringing in yet another someone else has to be considered gossip, right?
Just to clarify, Ryan and I are fine... he is about the only relationship I am sure of. But he is at a loss of what to do, too. He gets upset because I am so upset.
So I guess *generally* so as not to gossip, you can pray that the members of my family don't continue/end up crazy, suicidal, in prison, addicted, or estranged. That should cover it.
....While you're at it, you can pray for my attitude. I am generally a happy person... I can find lots of stuff to be thankful for. I serve an amazing God. I have a wonderful husband. I have food, clothing, a church, and more stuff than I need. I have talents and dreams. But that is all in my immediate circle. That is all about ME. When it comes to my family circle, it is like I am on another planet. I have a personal God, but I have a hard time seeing him on that planet where stuff keeps getting worse. I am pretty jaded as of late in case you can't tell. And I am frustrated as heck being a Christian, with direct commands not to gossip, in a world where sometimes everyday life could be considered gossip.
That is all.
How can memories of a time past be so different from current reality?
How do you get help when talking about it too much is considered gossip? Or is it?
Why is it that people who easily open up when asked "How is everything" are considered "lose-lipped", gossipers, or trying to get attention? Maybe because many people are. But for those of us truly in need of advice, in fear of saying too much - of "gossiping in the form of prayer requests" - we just have to bottle everything up until little pieces of the struggle slip out and we get to feel guilty later. Then the same people end up hearing the little pieces of info that you can't hold in, and they just start to think you are a drama queen or that you just aren't trying hard enough to follow their advice.
Maybe you have to have everything fall apart where you can't hide it anymore so that it vomits out in the open for all to see, whether you want them to or not, before it is considered not your fault that it is in the open now, and a "crisis situation" rather than gossip. Maybe then you can get help. Cause after all, gossip is when you involve someone else who isn't part of the problem or the solution, right?
Well heck, then at this rate, all of us that are personally involved in the problem will just keep spiraling out of control and pulling the rest down, because honestly... I can't think of anyone I can talk to who would be part of the solution. I just need someone to know that I am broken and just can't do it anymore. I am out of ideas, out of energy, low on faith, and growing numb. But I can't talk about it. You can't help my family any more than the counselors or other people I have talked to can. Plus it is probably a bigger job than anyone really wants to hang around for anyways.... Ever notice how people are always interested at first, out of genuine concern and a little curiosity? But after awhile... when things don't get better... they get more weary of listening to you..... can't blame them. I feel the same way. I really don't want to do that to anyone else anyways.
I pray. Yes, I still do that. And shouldn't that be enough at this point? I can't do anymore at this point anyways.... And get this, it isn't even about me!! Honestly, I am not the one drowning! I am just drowning trying to keep others afloat, but I could let go if I had to, right? IT ISN'T FLIPPIN ABOUT ME! So why should I have to bring someone else in... I am already a someone else. A someone else bringing in yet another someone else has to be considered gossip, right?
Just to clarify, Ryan and I are fine... he is about the only relationship I am sure of. But he is at a loss of what to do, too. He gets upset because I am so upset.
So I guess *generally* so as not to gossip, you can pray that the members of my family don't continue/end up crazy, suicidal, in prison, addicted, or estranged. That should cover it.
....While you're at it, you can pray for my attitude. I am generally a happy person... I can find lots of stuff to be thankful for. I serve an amazing God. I have a wonderful husband. I have food, clothing, a church, and more stuff than I need. I have talents and dreams. But that is all in my immediate circle. That is all about ME. When it comes to my family circle, it is like I am on another planet. I have a personal God, but I have a hard time seeing him on that planet where stuff keeps getting worse. I am pretty jaded as of late in case you can't tell. And I am frustrated as heck being a Christian, with direct commands not to gossip, in a world where sometimes everyday life could be considered gossip.
That is all.