"It's the same old story that everybody knows...one heart holding on, the other letting go."
Okay guys...I'm going to try something new that I've never ever could have done before. It may be a little corny, but I honestly think it'll help. So, as most of you know, me and Kevin are on a "break" - his call - so yeah, we're pretty much breaking up. So, I'm going to write him a letter on here (hopefully, he'll never see it) expressing to him everything I'm feeling right now!! And hopefully, when I'm done, I'll be able to move on...
Kevin,
Where do I begin? When we met? Nah...don't think I'll go there. Let me reminisce for a second...I remember the first time that we hung out. It was the day everyone got back from Warrior Storm...a Wednesday night. Me, you, Tiana, and Kelly went first went to the Why Not? and the first thing I did was spill your beer. God, I felt so stupid! I was thinking, "Damn! I just blown it before even starting it!" That whole night basically was me being a spaz! Luckily, I had Tiana and Kelly there to laugh at me the entire time... Well anyways, everyone was only back from the field for a week and a half before going back out there for three more weeks. We were together quite often in the little time...so much, that 3 days before you went out to the field, we had decided to become bf/gf. I was so excited! "Oh my gosh! A guy I like actually likes me back!!!" was all that was going through my head! Yeah, I was pretty bummed that you were leaving for three weeks and I was even nervous that while you were out there, not seeing me all the time, you would somehow lose interest in me. But that didn't happen. We talked everyday but one in those three weeks and that was because I fell asleep. When you came back, I was even more excited to see that you had missed me. I'll admit though because it was kind of awkward because we were still new at the whole thing, but we did miss each other. I don't know...whatever. About a week after UFL was my birthday and we all went down to Pusan and had a BLAST!! I thought you were the sweetest guy ever because when we went out to eat, I swore up and down that I could see the brains in the shrimp I ordered and refused to eat it, you gave me your food. I don't know, but I think that was probably the moment I realized how much I liked you...
Things weren't so great from about mid-September until about mid-October. We were fighting every other fucking day. I was happy, then miserable, happy, then miserable. The first major fight where we broke up, you were in Armor School, and ask Tiana and Lauren, I just looked like I was going to cry all the time. Kind of like I am no... It was horrible. It lasted for a good two weeks, ya know. Somewhere in that fight, thats when I told you I loved you. Then I felt stupid for saying that, so I just played it off and said that I loved you like I love my friends...I don't want anything bad to happen to you. Yeah I know, I'm retarded LOL. But when we finally got back together, I had already made plans with Tiana to go see Anthony. So the very next morning, I go up to Osan and I'm missing you like crazy. When I went to bed that night, you text me at 2:34 that morning and told me you loved me. I was so excited and couldn't wait to see you.
Everything started to go uphill from there. We still fought, but it would only last a couple hours, if even that. I just wanted to be around you all the time! When I was with you, you made me the happiest person in the world, literally. I even cut down on smoking. I like lived in your room while I was on leave. That's when I started to feel like I was wearing out my welcome. You didn't give me any hints that I was doing that, its just what I was thinking. So when I came back to work, I hung out with the girls all the time. We really got into Desperate Housewives, and then just start talking about everything. That's why whenever I told you I'd be in your room in like twenty minutes, it would be like two hours later. I didn't do it on purpose, it just happened. I lost track of time. I did that because I barely hung out with the girls the entire time I was on leave and I didn't want you to be tired of me. Well, I was wrong because you accused me of not thinking you were important. That is so not true...and to this day, even though you can't look at me, it's still not true. Which is why I don't understand this break. You were gone for 5 days with barely any contact with me. We texted maybe 3-4 texts everynight. You told me how much you missed me, how much you loved me, how much you can't wait to see me, that you'll see me in your dreams. I couldn't wait for you to get back! Then Friday finally comes...and I see you way earlier that when I thought. And it was awesome. I missed you SOOO much. I just wanted to do nothing but kiss you. The next day...we had a minor fight. I honestly don't remember what it was about. I'm sure it was my fault, but I don't remember what happened. All I know is that when I texted you after I left, you didn't text me back at all. I apologized and everything, told you I loved you, and you said nothing. Later, you finally texted me saying you were going to hang out with your friends. Then you said you needed a break. A break, Kevin? A break from what? You were gone all fucking week last week! You also said I was smothering you!! How that hell can someone smother you in less than 12 hours??? Please, tell me! The fucking weekend before you were saying you weren't important enough! Then you're gone for a whole week, then come back for ONE day, and all of sudden I'm smothering you! It DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! I don't care how you put it!
I don't know if I'm more confused, hurt, or angry right now. I mean, you can't even look in my direction when you see me! Why can't you at least have the fucking decency to say hi when you see me?? You've told me you loved so many times in the past couple of weeks. So many times. How can you not look at someone you love? How can you not talk to someone you love? How can you not fucking be with someone you love?? The only logical thing I can think of is that you never felt that way about me in the first place. God...I'm in so much pain right now. I wish you would just send me a text message, call me, ask me how am I doing. That small thing would make me feel so much better. I'd just grin and act like I'm fine. I wouldn't be able to tell you how upset I was. How all I do is think about you. How did I get so wrapped up in the first place? Everything you do is annoying to me!! The fact that you chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, have the most dry sense of humor and personality, the fact that you mainly listen to nothing BUT country, you have no rhythem whatsoever...I could go on!! But for some reason, I look past that with you. Probably because when you try to make a joke, I still laugh at it because I actually think its funny. When we just sit there, doing absolutely nothing, while you're playing the DAMN game, I just enjoy being there with you...even if I am bored off my mind. And even though you listen to basically only country, you look so freaking cute when you're singing it. Okay so i exaggerated when I said everything about you annoys me... I could actually go on about all the little things that I love...but whatever. My heart right now is with you, and the sad part is, I can't even remember giving it to you. Yeah I told you I loved you, but that didn't mean you had my heart. And now, its like I'm emotionless. I pretend to laugh at things, pretend to smile and greet people, pretend that I'm okay, when I'm not. I'm not okay at all!! Everyone keeps telling me that time will be the only thing to help me get over you, but that won't work. The only thing I need to get over you, Kevin, is you.
God, I hate being me sometimes. I usually don't get like this for guys. I am usually tired of the guy by the second month. But it was different with you. I don't know what it was...I really don't. I hate myself for getting this involved with you. The first time we fought and broke it off, I should have left it alone. I would've been fine by now. But I had to be stupid and get back with you because I thought things would be different. And for a while, they were different. They were better. Much, much better. And then this happened. Here I am, by mysyelf most of the time doing absolutely nothing but thinking about you. Wondering if you're going to text me or call me...I have so much hope that you're going to, even though deep down, I know you're not. I know its over. I know it is... From seeing you around the past couple of days, and not hearing from you, I guess you're over me. Maybe you were before all this happened. "You're not worth the tears. You're not worth the heartache. I don't know why I give you the time. You're not worth the pain. You're not worth the emptiness. I don't know why I wish you were mine." I don't know who said that, but they're a freaking genius.
Well, now you know how I feel. How you choose to deal with it, is up to you. But you have to know that I can't keep waiting for you. I have three and a half months left here and I would LOVE to spend the rest of my time here with you. If you choose not to be with me anymore, all I ask is that you not parade in front of me the girls you'll be dating. Sounds selfish, but I think that's more than fair.
Love Always,
Cierra
Kevin,
Where do I begin? When we met? Nah...don't think I'll go there. Let me reminisce for a second...I remember the first time that we hung out. It was the day everyone got back from Warrior Storm...a Wednesday night. Me, you, Tiana, and Kelly went first went to the Why Not? and the first thing I did was spill your beer. God, I felt so stupid! I was thinking, "Damn! I just blown it before even starting it!" That whole night basically was me being a spaz! Luckily, I had Tiana and Kelly there to laugh at me the entire time... Well anyways, everyone was only back from the field for a week and a half before going back out there for three more weeks. We were together quite often in the little time...so much, that 3 days before you went out to the field, we had decided to become bf/gf. I was so excited! "Oh my gosh! A guy I like actually likes me back!!!" was all that was going through my head! Yeah, I was pretty bummed that you were leaving for three weeks and I was even nervous that while you were out there, not seeing me all the time, you would somehow lose interest in me. But that didn't happen. We talked everyday but one in those three weeks and that was because I fell asleep. When you came back, I was even more excited to see that you had missed me. I'll admit though because it was kind of awkward because we were still new at the whole thing, but we did miss each other. I don't know...whatever. About a week after UFL was my birthday and we all went down to Pusan and had a BLAST!! I thought you were the sweetest guy ever because when we went out to eat, I swore up and down that I could see the brains in the shrimp I ordered and refused to eat it, you gave me your food. I don't know, but I think that was probably the moment I realized how much I liked you...
Things weren't so great from about mid-September until about mid-October. We were fighting every other fucking day. I was happy, then miserable, happy, then miserable. The first major fight where we broke up, you were in Armor School, and ask Tiana and Lauren, I just looked like I was going to cry all the time. Kind of like I am no... It was horrible. It lasted for a good two weeks, ya know. Somewhere in that fight, thats when I told you I loved you. Then I felt stupid for saying that, so I just played it off and said that I loved you like I love my friends...I don't want anything bad to happen to you. Yeah I know, I'm retarded LOL. But when we finally got back together, I had already made plans with Tiana to go see Anthony. So the very next morning, I go up to Osan and I'm missing you like crazy. When I went to bed that night, you text me at 2:34 that morning and told me you loved me. I was so excited and couldn't wait to see you.
Everything started to go uphill from there. We still fought, but it would only last a couple hours, if even that. I just wanted to be around you all the time! When I was with you, you made me the happiest person in the world, literally. I even cut down on smoking. I like lived in your room while I was on leave. That's when I started to feel like I was wearing out my welcome. You didn't give me any hints that I was doing that, its just what I was thinking. So when I came back to work, I hung out with the girls all the time. We really got into Desperate Housewives, and then just start talking about everything. That's why whenever I told you I'd be in your room in like twenty minutes, it would be like two hours later. I didn't do it on purpose, it just happened. I lost track of time. I did that because I barely hung out with the girls the entire time I was on leave and I didn't want you to be tired of me. Well, I was wrong because you accused me of not thinking you were important. That is so not true...and to this day, even though you can't look at me, it's still not true. Which is why I don't understand this break. You were gone for 5 days with barely any contact with me. We texted maybe 3-4 texts everynight. You told me how much you missed me, how much you loved me, how much you can't wait to see me, that you'll see me in your dreams. I couldn't wait for you to get back! Then Friday finally comes...and I see you way earlier that when I thought. And it was awesome. I missed you SOOO much. I just wanted to do nothing but kiss you. The next day...we had a minor fight. I honestly don't remember what it was about. I'm sure it was my fault, but I don't remember what happened. All I know is that when I texted you after I left, you didn't text me back at all. I apologized and everything, told you I loved you, and you said nothing. Later, you finally texted me saying you were going to hang out with your friends. Then you said you needed a break. A break, Kevin? A break from what? You were gone all fucking week last week! You also said I was smothering you!! How that hell can someone smother you in less than 12 hours??? Please, tell me! The fucking weekend before you were saying you weren't important enough! Then you're gone for a whole week, then come back for ONE day, and all of sudden I'm smothering you! It DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! I don't care how you put it!
I don't know if I'm more confused, hurt, or angry right now. I mean, you can't even look in my direction when you see me! Why can't you at least have the fucking decency to say hi when you see me?? You've told me you loved so many times in the past couple of weeks. So many times. How can you not look at someone you love? How can you not talk to someone you love? How can you not fucking be with someone you love?? The only logical thing I can think of is that you never felt that way about me in the first place. God...I'm in so much pain right now. I wish you would just send me a text message, call me, ask me how am I doing. That small thing would make me feel so much better. I'd just grin and act like I'm fine. I wouldn't be able to tell you how upset I was. How all I do is think about you. How did I get so wrapped up in the first place? Everything you do is annoying to me!! The fact that you chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, have the most dry sense of humor and personality, the fact that you mainly listen to nothing BUT country, you have no rhythem whatsoever...I could go on!! But for some reason, I look past that with you. Probably because when you try to make a joke, I still laugh at it because I actually think its funny. When we just sit there, doing absolutely nothing, while you're playing the DAMN game, I just enjoy being there with you...even if I am bored off my mind. And even though you listen to basically only country, you look so freaking cute when you're singing it. Okay so i exaggerated when I said everything about you annoys me... I could actually go on about all the little things that I love...but whatever. My heart right now is with you, and the sad part is, I can't even remember giving it to you. Yeah I told you I loved you, but that didn't mean you had my heart. And now, its like I'm emotionless. I pretend to laugh at things, pretend to smile and greet people, pretend that I'm okay, when I'm not. I'm not okay at all!! Everyone keeps telling me that time will be the only thing to help me get over you, but that won't work. The only thing I need to get over you, Kevin, is you.
God, I hate being me sometimes. I usually don't get like this for guys. I am usually tired of the guy by the second month. But it was different with you. I don't know what it was...I really don't. I hate myself for getting this involved with you. The first time we fought and broke it off, I should have left it alone. I would've been fine by now. But I had to be stupid and get back with you because I thought things would be different. And for a while, they were different. They were better. Much, much better. And then this happened. Here I am, by mysyelf most of the time doing absolutely nothing but thinking about you. Wondering if you're going to text me or call me...I have so much hope that you're going to, even though deep down, I know you're not. I know its over. I know it is... From seeing you around the past couple of days, and not hearing from you, I guess you're over me. Maybe you were before all this happened. "You're not worth the tears. You're not worth the heartache. I don't know why I give you the time. You're not worth the pain. You're not worth the emptiness. I don't know why I wish you were mine." I don't know who said that, but they're a freaking genius.
Well, now you know how I feel. How you choose to deal with it, is up to you. But you have to know that I can't keep waiting for you. I have three and a half months left here and I would LOVE to spend the rest of my time here with you. If you choose not to be with me anymore, all I ask is that you not parade in front of me the girls you'll be dating. Sounds selfish, but I think that's more than fair.
Love Always,
Cierra