airplane from new york to hell
im sitting on the airplane next ot this woman, and i dont thionk that she's reading what im writing right now. she thinks im studying but out of nowhere i got this urge to write. there's a disease entitles ofr people who have compulsive writing disorder and i thought about it and iwas like nooooo i dont have that. i imagine i will just copy and paste all this stuff on my journal.
i didnt find anyone on the subway who would fit the character for my artist. i think im going to start from scratch...but i have a good idea of what i want her to be like. i don't want to go to school 2morrow. i dont think i should and i need i should have a day to catch up and everything. legally they're not allowed to give me tests or anything 2morrow but thats ... i dont know. debatable. i'd hate to ask ms. leone for an extension on the vocab test...being that woman is fucking impossible but i dont know. i guess i'll talk to sarah 2night and see what i should do.
he called me when i was at the airport. it doesn't hurt whne we're actually talk and stuff, but after i get off the phone with him, ther'es something missing. he thinks about me and it's kinda of hard to belive right now that there's some other girl that he t hinks about too...i guess i will tell him in time how i feel, or wonder, about it but for now it's a tad bothersome.
i think my life is a movie. and i wouldn't know how to write about it or write a script because i can't see it replayed. its one of those tihings that are enjoyable to dream about for me. i love to dream. and i dont want anyone to take it away from me. i will dream of scripts and jobs and loves. today at BDC this woman was talking to me about her first love and how she was absolutely mad for him. and i asked her why they didn't get married and she said it was because he was a musician and her parents didnt approve, i think that's a horrible way to live the rest of your life. though she kept on mentioning the fact that he was her FIRST love. i dont believe you can hav e many. or maybe you can have a first love...and no. i dont know how it could work any other way.
what pisses me off about him..is that these moments where he's said i love you on the phone keep playing in my head...and i dont know if he remembers them. but then i dont realize when i say it so maybe its the same way. ouch.
i can't study.
i dont feel like writing about history right now. and this time in history i am pretty familiar with so i guess im fine. let me see...i have leone's vocab 2morrow...i have to see shaw in the morning. MONOLOGUE!! i need to cut my monologue and write some notes on it. and i have a history test. i really think i should come in late tomorrow. like come in for arts.
i think its way too weird that pete and i both have problems with our fathers and that we both love the same thing. we're in love...with theater. holy shit. maybe thats what he loves in me and that he doesn't know he loves me. i dont think he knows what love is. not to say i am expert on love and that i DO know waht love is..but i know how i felt about him...and i htink it was more than a little crush. but maybe what i loved about him was the theater in him. i think i love the theater about him. and that he's all about theater and that i see so much of myself and my love for theater in him that i confuse it for loving him. but i dont know LOVE. but it wasn't just theater that i liked about him. it was every moment that i spent time with him. it was every time at the park together and every time we ran lines for our scene. every damn moment made me so happy and made me forget everything in the word and just love who i am and what i do.
i remember he called me a gap model. i wonder if he were lying.
i want to start new...with charlie. but, happily, that is going very slowly. i think he's waiting to see if im moving or not to make a move. which is sweet. i would consider myself, right now, geographically unstable...hence the reason i dont have a boyfriend right now. ah! good job. i should write like this a lot more. i am discovering things that i wouldnt have thought of if i had just rambled on to myself in my mind. while all i needed in life was a blank screen. i am geographically unstable and that is why there is no-one. the end.
the airplane is dry and i want to go home. i awant to go back to new york. miami is drole and crazy and then there is julius. gosh i can't stand the thought or the feeling of leaving him. i hope he goes to dth, better yet alvin ailey. that would do the world for him..and me because it will make him happy. i think they'd love him and i think that he doesn't realize how that'd work.
geographically unstable....
i want these next 2 weeks to go by so i can be come stable again. i hate having my life on the line like this right now. gives a new meaning to the phrase 'on your toes'.
i have to crack my hip and i can't move and so my hip hurts now. haha.
i hope nobody fights at the dinner table tonight
i love stevo. oh my gosh. i felt like death when i heard about the whole southwood thing. that was the one time i really really really wanted him in my a rms and to hold him. and then when zack told me about amanda spazing out i wanted to fucking die. shes so stupid its impossible. i take that back. she's not stupid..she's pathetically hung over her own emotional discrepancies.
i think we're in the shitty room for dance tomorrow. i dont know why they put m e in level 3. i have better technique and i pick up things faster than everyone in the class. maybe they dont think im strong enough for 4. i need to go back to BAM. i need to write a note to tony telling him about the whole thing. i need time to get everything figured out.
"could you show me dear something i've not seen. something infinitely interesting." this is a good song. i've been listening to wheel all weekend. i connect with that song and my stupid mouth.
one more thing. why is it my fault. maybe i try to hard. but its all because of this desire. i just wanna be liked. just wanna be funny. so call me capitan backfire.
that lyric is my life. my stupid mouth said LOVE. my stupid mouth made him think that i LOVE him.
i'm gone
i didnt find anyone on the subway who would fit the character for my artist. i think im going to start from scratch...but i have a good idea of what i want her to be like. i don't want to go to school 2morrow. i dont think i should and i need i should have a day to catch up and everything. legally they're not allowed to give me tests or anything 2morrow but thats ... i dont know. debatable. i'd hate to ask ms. leone for an extension on the vocab test...being that woman is fucking impossible but i dont know. i guess i'll talk to sarah 2night and see what i should do.
he called me when i was at the airport. it doesn't hurt whne we're actually talk and stuff, but after i get off the phone with him, ther'es something missing. he thinks about me and it's kinda of hard to belive right now that there's some other girl that he t hinks about too...i guess i will tell him in time how i feel, or wonder, about it but for now it's a tad bothersome.
i think my life is a movie. and i wouldn't know how to write about it or write a script because i can't see it replayed. its one of those tihings that are enjoyable to dream about for me. i love to dream. and i dont want anyone to take it away from me. i will dream of scripts and jobs and loves. today at BDC this woman was talking to me about her first love and how she was absolutely mad for him. and i asked her why they didn't get married and she said it was because he was a musician and her parents didnt approve, i think that's a horrible way to live the rest of your life. though she kept on mentioning the fact that he was her FIRST love. i dont believe you can hav e many. or maybe you can have a first love...and no. i dont know how it could work any other way.
what pisses me off about him..is that these moments where he's said i love you on the phone keep playing in my head...and i dont know if he remembers them. but then i dont realize when i say it so maybe its the same way. ouch.
i can't study.
i dont feel like writing about history right now. and this time in history i am pretty familiar with so i guess im fine. let me see...i have leone's vocab 2morrow...i have to see shaw in the morning. MONOLOGUE!! i need to cut my monologue and write some notes on it. and i have a history test. i really think i should come in late tomorrow. like come in for arts.
i think its way too weird that pete and i both have problems with our fathers and that we both love the same thing. we're in love...with theater. holy shit. maybe thats what he loves in me and that he doesn't know he loves me. i dont think he knows what love is. not to say i am expert on love and that i DO know waht love is..but i know how i felt about him...and i htink it was more than a little crush. but maybe what i loved about him was the theater in him. i think i love the theater about him. and that he's all about theater and that i see so much of myself and my love for theater in him that i confuse it for loving him. but i dont know LOVE. but it wasn't just theater that i liked about him. it was every moment that i spent time with him. it was every time at the park together and every time we ran lines for our scene. every damn moment made me so happy and made me forget everything in the word and just love who i am and what i do.
i remember he called me a gap model. i wonder if he were lying.
i want to start new...with charlie. but, happily, that is going very slowly. i think he's waiting to see if im moving or not to make a move. which is sweet. i would consider myself, right now, geographically unstable...hence the reason i dont have a boyfriend right now. ah! good job. i should write like this a lot more. i am discovering things that i wouldnt have thought of if i had just rambled on to myself in my mind. while all i needed in life was a blank screen. i am geographically unstable and that is why there is no-one. the end.
the airplane is dry and i want to go home. i awant to go back to new york. miami is drole and crazy and then there is julius. gosh i can't stand the thought or the feeling of leaving him. i hope he goes to dth, better yet alvin ailey. that would do the world for him..and me because it will make him happy. i think they'd love him and i think that he doesn't realize how that'd work.
geographically unstable....
i want these next 2 weeks to go by so i can be come stable again. i hate having my life on the line like this right now. gives a new meaning to the phrase 'on your toes'.
i have to crack my hip and i can't move and so my hip hurts now. haha.
i hope nobody fights at the dinner table tonight
i love stevo. oh my gosh. i felt like death when i heard about the whole southwood thing. that was the one time i really really really wanted him in my a rms and to hold him. and then when zack told me about amanda spazing out i wanted to fucking die. shes so stupid its impossible. i take that back. she's not stupid..she's pathetically hung over her own emotional discrepancies.
i think we're in the shitty room for dance tomorrow. i dont know why they put m e in level 3. i have better technique and i pick up things faster than everyone in the class. maybe they dont think im strong enough for 4. i need to go back to BAM. i need to write a note to tony telling him about the whole thing. i need time to get everything figured out.
"could you show me dear something i've not seen. something infinitely interesting." this is a good song. i've been listening to wheel all weekend. i connect with that song and my stupid mouth.
one more thing. why is it my fault. maybe i try to hard. but its all because of this desire. i just wanna be liked. just wanna be funny. so call me capitan backfire.
that lyric is my life. my stupid mouth said LOVE. my stupid mouth made him think that i LOVE him.
i'm gone