endless. . .
i start to fall and wonder if ill ever stop. a small crack is made and the next thing you know the whole building comes crashing down. i get a little depressed and then its like erythin falls down from there. im all splotchy and my eyes are swollen and red as i look in the mirror. its like i never feel that im good enuf or pretty enough or my butt is big enough and i feel so selfish and vain for thinking it and i am terrified that God is going to take it all away from me just to show me how much worse it could be. i miss my mom so much and i realize the reason i try to keep her on the phone when i have nothing to say is because i am so lonely and feel so abandoned and alone and unwanted and like such a loser (which i prolly am) and she just sits there and tells me to make a list of all the things i like about myself and is so caring and loving and i feel even worse because i feel like i do so many things to her that cause stress or pain or hurt to her and i feel like an even more selfish and horrible person. and i know things could be so much worse but i cant help but think that they could be better and i feel like lara and dani are slippin away and i am really scared because they are two of my best friends and they are the ones who liked me when no one else did and i see lara going through what i went through when i was little and it hurts that i see her pain and know whats shes going through and still have nothing to say to her and cant even be there to comfort her and i ask her if she wants to come to visit ova the summa or the two of us take a vacay to ny together to try n help her escape and i can tell she is completely uninterested in hangin out with just me or maybe for sum otha reason and i really want dani to come out even if lara doesnt or at the same time or dif times or whatev but i dont think shell be able to which sux because the more i hang out with her the more i realize how much i have fun with her and how cool she is but it just makes me feel so sad. and i hate having to work 2 jobs but i feel like i have to even when my mom says she doesnt want me to and it breaks my heart to her my mom tell me alexa worships me and hear her say she loves me and realize that i still am not allowed to see her and prolly wont be able to for a long time if ever but theres nothin i can do about any of this and i feel so helpless and worthless. so to try and ease the apin i sit here and pich up two hersheys almonds bars and hope that erythin will be betta in the mornin and my otha friend who had the same kinda mood swings/ depression i do kinda told me she is on zoloft now and that shes all happy now and i feel so sad and wish i was but i dont want to take anythin because i feel like it means im weak i mean i dont think she is at all but i feel like for me it would mean that and i dont understand why i hold myself to a higher standard than ery1 else. so im out in hopes that tomorrow will be a better day and things will get better and that i can just hold on until they do. muah one