Not quite dumped by someone I hardly dated
In a recent, previous post, I described a disappointing but inevitable fizzle between myself and a girl that I'm clearly not a good match for. But that's no tragedy... that's what dating is all about- seeing if there's something there or not. In this case (like all the rest) there wasn't.
Despite whatever potential I might have seen in the girl when we met (late October) I soon learned that she was 25. I'll translate that to those who mistook that fact as meaningless:
That's a classic crisis / transition age, with the classic symptoms of having your head up your own ass. I hit that age early (closer to 23 for me) because my college experience was more traumatic than most. The horror of actually having to face reality hit me much sooner than some.
I see 25 as boundary line for dropping the childish, self-centered bullshit and start the humbling process of becoming a real adult - but it's usually an ugly transition. At my 23-25 year range had a crisis and started filling my schedule as full as possible and starting drinking a lot. I ultimately pulled away from my childish response to adult responsibilities. I stopped being a flake, a drunk, a letch.
It wasn't until I was about 28 that I started to notice that I was having a hard time dating girls that were 24-26 years old... and always had problems with them, in fact. The younger ones were sweet, the older ones seemed to not take me for granted. But 24-26... flakes. In general, they seemed to be impossible to make any plans with, difficult to understand their motivations and actions, and at least three times the work for usually less reward (attention, laughs, sex, etc). And more often than not, they would be dating several guys at once. In a nutshell, I get the impression they are testing their independence and measuring their market value in a prolonged, dramatic celebration of fickleness. They seem to be establishing themselves professionally as part of this chaos, and learn the first hard lessons about the problems of partying with co-workers. BTW, I don't think this is only a female thing necessarily, I just don't care as much about my male friends acting this way...
I know I'm speaking in generalities here, but I've seen this pattern more than a few times. I wish I understand what causes it, but I know what cures it: time and some very hard work. I'm not being condescending to the 25-year-olds, I swear. You see: we all realize that teenagers have shit for brains and need to grow up before they can be taken seriously... and my guess is, for most people, the "teen" years actually endure well into college and don't truly end until about 22 at the very earliest. For most, I think they actually exit the "teen" years at 23 or so... and then spend age 24-26 trying on the new identity of "adult." It seems to me that this early version of "adult" is really more of an imitation of adulthood.
So this girl turned out to be 25. And I guessed her age. She asked be how I could have guessed and when I told her "it's because you act 25" she was upset with me. Not so upset as to stop drinking on my tab, but upset. I told her not to be upset, it wasn't an insult... it's just a fact, and I've been there. She hated that even more.
And over the last few months, as she dictated the pace of our few, intermittent dates and refused to indicate involvement on any level - I'd written her off repeatedly. But when I stopped calling, she'd invite me out to do something... and I often would go. After a few good dates, she'd vanish again for weeks. This happened a few times.
Finally, last week... she called me on a Monday (after flaking out on our weekend plans) and said she wanted to go out. I told her I was upset with her for treating me very low priority and not even having the courtesy of saying she was busy on Saturday or Sunday. She seemed taken back by my directness, sad even.
Of course, I hear nothing since except a confirmation that she would not attend a get together with some pals at my place. Tonight, she leaves a message that she needs to talk to me about something and she isn't sure how to say it... and when I return her call a few minutes later, she doesn't answer. Nice.
Clearly she wants to make her lack of interest in me official, as if her actions over the months hadn't made that quite apparent. And I'm going to have to fight the urge to be snide and ask her: Who will I find to flake out on me now? How will I fill the 2 hours per 14 days of time we used to spend together?
Sigh, but I can't be upset, I knew she was 25. It's my own damn fault.
Despite whatever potential I might have seen in the girl when we met (late October) I soon learned that she was 25. I'll translate that to those who mistook that fact as meaningless:
That's a classic crisis / transition age, with the classic symptoms of having your head up your own ass. I hit that age early (closer to 23 for me) because my college experience was more traumatic than most. The horror of actually having to face reality hit me much sooner than some.
I see 25 as boundary line for dropping the childish, self-centered bullshit and start the humbling process of becoming a real adult - but it's usually an ugly transition. At my 23-25 year range had a crisis and started filling my schedule as full as possible and starting drinking a lot. I ultimately pulled away from my childish response to adult responsibilities. I stopped being a flake, a drunk, a letch.
It wasn't until I was about 28 that I started to notice that I was having a hard time dating girls that were 24-26 years old... and always had problems with them, in fact. The younger ones were sweet, the older ones seemed to not take me for granted. But 24-26... flakes. In general, they seemed to be impossible to make any plans with, difficult to understand their motivations and actions, and at least three times the work for usually less reward (attention, laughs, sex, etc). And more often than not, they would be dating several guys at once. In a nutshell, I get the impression they are testing their independence and measuring their market value in a prolonged, dramatic celebration of fickleness. They seem to be establishing themselves professionally as part of this chaos, and learn the first hard lessons about the problems of partying with co-workers. BTW, I don't think this is only a female thing necessarily, I just don't care as much about my male friends acting this way...
I know I'm speaking in generalities here, but I've seen this pattern more than a few times. I wish I understand what causes it, but I know what cures it: time and some very hard work. I'm not being condescending to the 25-year-olds, I swear. You see: we all realize that teenagers have shit for brains and need to grow up before they can be taken seriously... and my guess is, for most people, the "teen" years actually endure well into college and don't truly end until about 22 at the very earliest. For most, I think they actually exit the "teen" years at 23 or so... and then spend age 24-26 trying on the new identity of "adult." It seems to me that this early version of "adult" is really more of an imitation of adulthood.
So this girl turned out to be 25. And I guessed her age. She asked be how I could have guessed and when I told her "it's because you act 25" she was upset with me. Not so upset as to stop drinking on my tab, but upset. I told her not to be upset, it wasn't an insult... it's just a fact, and I've been there. She hated that even more.
And over the last few months, as she dictated the pace of our few, intermittent dates and refused to indicate involvement on any level - I'd written her off repeatedly. But when I stopped calling, she'd invite me out to do something... and I often would go. After a few good dates, she'd vanish again for weeks. This happened a few times.
Finally, last week... she called me on a Monday (after flaking out on our weekend plans) and said she wanted to go out. I told her I was upset with her for treating me very low priority and not even having the courtesy of saying she was busy on Saturday or Sunday. She seemed taken back by my directness, sad even.
Of course, I hear nothing since except a confirmation that she would not attend a get together with some pals at my place. Tonight, she leaves a message that she needs to talk to me about something and she isn't sure how to say it... and when I return her call a few minutes later, she doesn't answer. Nice.
Clearly she wants to make her lack of interest in me official, as if her actions over the months hadn't made that quite apparent. And I'm going to have to fight the urge to be snide and ask her: Who will I find to flake out on me now? How will I fill the 2 hours per 14 days of time we used to spend together?
Sigh, but I can't be upset, I knew she was 25. It's my own damn fault.