an old memory
Life makes sense when you're small, because it needs to make sense, what else do you know? For small you, life makes sense because that's normalization.
Small me heard the song "Yellow" by Coldplay before it was on all the radios and televisions. I heard it at a friend's house, alone, on their carpet. And I felt like someone was saying something to me. Someone was saying, with the tone of that song, everything is going to be all right. And I didn't really know what everything was yet, but that sounded pretty good.
The thing is. We normalize anything, we assume this will happen, that will happen to me. As we get older we think okay, maybe that won't happen, but I'll make it all right. But maybe we won't. Maybe it will just never be okay. Maybe some things will just always hurt or feel like holes, that doesn't sound very poetic or hopeful, but maybe that's real.
I don't know what's right anymore. I banked on so many things. I thought I'd find some perfect person that would translate all of it. And I've found some pretty wonderful people, and I've lost a few of them, and that's been sad at first and sadder by the day. Friends, lovers, people I thought, this is it, this is life, this is that moment on the carpet, everything is going to be all right.
And what is everything? I don't know yet. I still don't know. Is it bigger than this? Am I going to die tomorrow? I can't even fathom that, but that's real. And we all just go about our lives like we'll live them forever, and heaven forbid we talk about the fact that we just won't. Don't break the spell by speaking on it, we're all trying so hard to deny our own mortality.
I've only recently become acquainted with time. There you are, shake your hand and you might choke me until I'm done breathing; good to meet you time.
I don't know where everything fits. I feel like I've been stalled for a year. But maybe I'm getting back up on my feet now. Maybe I'm feeling again. Maybe I'm cleaning out the gears. Maybe I'm done compromising.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvT9pgcS3So&feature=related
Maybe the song has changed a little, maybe that message is now. Damnit. Nothing is all right, because wouldn't that be pitiful? It's so much more complicated than that, and so much more heartbreaking, and we are so lucky for that heartbreak, to feel every angle. What a pity for everything to be all right, and for you to feel nothing. It's scary and it's here and it's now, and you are scared that you're not feeling at all, you're scared you're not enough, that you're turning into a terrible person, maybe that's part of it too, maybe you're chasing that innocence until your feet are bloody and black with dirt and maybe you have to just just just keep going.
Your skin. You're skin and bone, turning.
Small me heard the song "Yellow" by Coldplay before it was on all the radios and televisions. I heard it at a friend's house, alone, on their carpet. And I felt like someone was saying something to me. Someone was saying, with the tone of that song, everything is going to be all right. And I didn't really know what everything was yet, but that sounded pretty good.
The thing is. We normalize anything, we assume this will happen, that will happen to me. As we get older we think okay, maybe that won't happen, but I'll make it all right. But maybe we won't. Maybe it will just never be okay. Maybe some things will just always hurt or feel like holes, that doesn't sound very poetic or hopeful, but maybe that's real.
I don't know what's right anymore. I banked on so many things. I thought I'd find some perfect person that would translate all of it. And I've found some pretty wonderful people, and I've lost a few of them, and that's been sad at first and sadder by the day. Friends, lovers, people I thought, this is it, this is life, this is that moment on the carpet, everything is going to be all right.
And what is everything? I don't know yet. I still don't know. Is it bigger than this? Am I going to die tomorrow? I can't even fathom that, but that's real. And we all just go about our lives like we'll live them forever, and heaven forbid we talk about the fact that we just won't. Don't break the spell by speaking on it, we're all trying so hard to deny our own mortality.
I've only recently become acquainted with time. There you are, shake your hand and you might choke me until I'm done breathing; good to meet you time.
I don't know where everything fits. I feel like I've been stalled for a year. But maybe I'm getting back up on my feet now. Maybe I'm feeling again. Maybe I'm cleaning out the gears. Maybe I'm done compromising.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvT9pgcS3So&feature=related
Maybe the song has changed a little, maybe that message is now. Damnit. Nothing is all right, because wouldn't that be pitiful? It's so much more complicated than that, and so much more heartbreaking, and we are so lucky for that heartbreak, to feel every angle. What a pity for everything to be all right, and for you to feel nothing. It's scary and it's here and it's now, and you are scared that you're not feeling at all, you're scared you're not enough, that you're turning into a terrible person, maybe that's part of it too, maybe you're chasing that innocence until your feet are bloody and black with dirt and maybe you have to just just just keep going.
Your skin. You're skin and bone, turning.