The hellhole that was my life
I can only recall two times in my life when I seriously wanted to die. Sure, everyone wants to die at some point. As a kid, I wanted to die every time I did something excruciatingly stupid. But this kind of fervent death wish is different. This kind of death wish has to do with pain, and the wish to be released from it.
The first time I wanted to die coincided with a nasty bout of food poisoning back in college. The second time was four days ago. I contracted influenza. Never again will I scoff or take lightly something so serious. I realized several things. I was arrogant. I thought that since I rarely got sick, something as paltry as the flu wouldn’t slow me down very much. Sure, I figured that I’d be miserable and bellyache about it, but I’d get through it just fine.
Now I know better. I marvel at how lucky we are to live in a day and age where we have medicine to alleviate our symptoms. I don’t know how our predecessors withstood it. I missed three straight days of work, and I never miss work.
I was so weak, I could not hold up my chopsticks. Chewing made me tired. Standing upright made me dizzy. My mouth and throat were so parched that I constantly yearned for water, but I couldn’t drink anything. I would lie in bed with the intent focus of not producing any saliva, because then I’d have to swallow it, and swallowing hurt. My whole body hurt. I just wanted to sleep forever, but I couldn’t, because none of the positions I laid in were comfortable. And then the chills attacked, drenching my clothes to my skin, and it was at that very moment when I shivering, sweaty and completely wasted that I wanted to die.
But I didn’t. Instead, I collapsed in the bathtub and had what was probably the most satisfying bathing experience in my life. Not that there was any soap involved. I had no will to do anything but just lie there.
So yah, that was my life for the past four days. I am still sick, but am recovering. I still get bouts of dizziness, but the change of scenery, even if it’s just work, has done wonders for my psyche. The influx of human interaction has also helped uplift my spirit, and that anticipation is probably the only reason why I was able to rouse myself out of bed today.
Being sick is no picnic. Anyone who would rather be sick than to go to work or school is bat shit crazy. And that’s all I gotta say about that.
The first time I wanted to die coincided with a nasty bout of food poisoning back in college. The second time was four days ago. I contracted influenza. Never again will I scoff or take lightly something so serious. I realized several things. I was arrogant. I thought that since I rarely got sick, something as paltry as the flu wouldn’t slow me down very much. Sure, I figured that I’d be miserable and bellyache about it, but I’d get through it just fine.
Now I know better. I marvel at how lucky we are to live in a day and age where we have medicine to alleviate our symptoms. I don’t know how our predecessors withstood it. I missed three straight days of work, and I never miss work.
I was so weak, I could not hold up my chopsticks. Chewing made me tired. Standing upright made me dizzy. My mouth and throat were so parched that I constantly yearned for water, but I couldn’t drink anything. I would lie in bed with the intent focus of not producing any saliva, because then I’d have to swallow it, and swallowing hurt. My whole body hurt. I just wanted to sleep forever, but I couldn’t, because none of the positions I laid in were comfortable. And then the chills attacked, drenching my clothes to my skin, and it was at that very moment when I shivering, sweaty and completely wasted that I wanted to die.
But I didn’t. Instead, I collapsed in the bathtub and had what was probably the most satisfying bathing experience in my life. Not that there was any soap involved. I had no will to do anything but just lie there.
So yah, that was my life for the past four days. I am still sick, but am recovering. I still get bouts of dizziness, but the change of scenery, even if it’s just work, has done wonders for my psyche. The influx of human interaction has also helped uplift my spirit, and that anticipation is probably the only reason why I was able to rouse myself out of bed today.
Being sick is no picnic. Anyone who would rather be sick than to go to work or school is bat shit crazy. And that’s all I gotta say about that.