sei /My catnip, my kryptonite.
I adore him, I truly do. He's only been the model boyfriend from day 1, and putting up with me makes him a saint.
He is the catnip to my life, exciting me about everything. But there's a part me that feels like he's my kryptonite, breaking me down to the smallest molecule and then stomping on me. Actually he doesn't do that nor does he make me feel that way. My effin' brain does. I don't know what I did to deserve such revenge but my brain tortures me with thoughts and visuals that make me sickly miserable everyday.. and as I watch the clock hit every hour, I'm miserable. Really, he's not the problem..depression is the problem and its relentless in the way it works...making me feel shitty.. I feel like vomitting..but I won't since I need this keyboard so I can keep typing...
You can't really describe him, you really just need to experience him to really know him or what he's like...sit with him at a coffee shop, walk with him at a farmer's market, talk with him sitting next to a fire..
If I ranted off his occupation, financial status, age, etc he would most likely fit in best in Italy. The superficial-crap expectations society vomits on us never affected him..Like he justs surfs on the waves of it all. Me, on the other hand, am compulsively taking on projects and compuslively working and compulsively thinking. And I'm compulsively thinking of all the nonexistent reasons why we should seperate. But oh how I love Italy.
I grew up telling everyone that I would die a pureless nun-- completely devoted on my career while living the modern, strong woman's life without a man and without kids. In relationships, I give the disclaimer that I'm not religious and don't want kids nor have a desire to ever be married. I've been engaged 3 times so far in my short life.
Sooo I'm trying to focus all this mind energy on positive stuff, but then I feel like I'm ignoring the nonexistent issues of our relationship.
[Btw, I doubt it's intuition telling me we shouldn't be together. This guy it the sexiest and sweetest guy without all the bullshit that I've ever met. Intuition is what brought us together in the first place...That and my frisky wild side, which is a whole other blog].
And my mind goes skitso:
"He's had too many serious relationships"
"Shut up, Brain, I've had serious relationships too"
"Yea, but he's hot. When he's 40 he'll been even hotter and you'll be that mom that let herself go wearing baggy white shirts and tennys from Payless"
"No I won't! I don't even want to be a mom! That word just feels awkward saying..."
"Well you can't have a life with someone and never get married and have kids."
"Yes, huh"
"Nope"
"Well fine. Its inevitable that he will see how weird and ugly I am compared to all his other experiences and break up with me, so I should just do it now."
"Ok.. so who gets the dog?"
-_-
Ah!! On another note, my puppy graduated his first training course.
3 more to go to get him licensed as a service dog. Anyways, pics! :
Toby Bad Ass Mother Fucker graduated top of his class! ^_^