Written Journal Entry January 11th
Andy is living in Austin. I'll never understand why that place is so captivating. The only decent person I know there is Melissa, and she's dating a guy that beats her. When did everything become so complicated? People moving away, doing drugs, doing people. I'm a little worried for Andy's safety. He used to be so smart and sweet. I wish we could go back to those days so that I could remember what it was like to have him around. Everyone used to love him and had such high hopes for him. Especially grandma and Papa. I've never seen two people so disappointed in my whole life. If he could just see their faces and hear their voices and care that they are hurt. That bothers me more than anything. One of them will have to die before he truly gets it, and by then he may be so far gone that he doesn’t care anymore. That’s sad to me. He's so fucked up he doesn’t know what's right or best for him. And he doesn’t listen to what anyone tries to tell him. Anyone who does not agree with his lifestyle or life choices is ignorant, backwards or narrow-minded. That's sad too. There are rules to be followed clear and simple. Those who play by the rules do fine for themselves. Those who do not set themselves on a difficult path riddled with hardship and unnecessary strain whether it be financial, physical, spiritual or emotional. Its silly to me that mental games we play with ourselves. Can I get away with that? Yes? For how long before someone notices? Chasing after the wind. They'll never be truly fulfilled or happy, never know what it's like to fully relax the heart, mind and body because you know you've done your absolute best. Doing your best is what counts in every arena. In religion that's all God asks-our best-in action, word, thought, life. Your family wants your best- a disposition conducive to comfortable interaction. An employer wants the best you can give them-110% as the cliché goes. And for your own piece of mind the best brings about a comfort not comparable to anything else. Knowing your time was well spent and your effort not going un-rewarded. That's the kind of fulfillment I find in my own life. That's what I want for Andy. I want so badly for him to know that living the way he is with few rules, no expectations or goals makes for a miserable existence. Life without purpose, without meaning creates an atmosphere in which the heart and mind are stunted. They have nothing to aspire to. Nothing to truly want or be proud of. They are forced to drift aimlessly and compelled to atrophy. When the mind and heart become weak they can no longer fight for what's right or good. They've been ignored for so long their voices are weak and also their will. This situation makes it difficult to build them back up. To pull one's self out of the dark hole where the feeble minded and weak spirited dwell and into the light where individuals know what they want and reach for it without wavering is a difficult task. The trip on the way down is rapid and easy, but the climb up tends to be slow and full of painful healing. It's not as simple as finding a good job and a "decent" mate. The climb also involves mending relationships that have been bruised by the blows of indifference and callous action. Not only will he be forced to come to terms with his absentminded actions, but also their poisonous effect on people's opinion's and feelings of him. He was golden just a few years ago. Anyone would have bent over backwards to help him because they saw an opportunity to provide aid to a budding and beautiful individual who had everything going for him. But now there is that shadow of doubt that hangs over him like a dark storm. People wonder and ask themselves why he's there. He hasn’t talked to me in months why is he here now? What does he want from me? Money? To borrow something that will most likely no be returned? Battling your own mind and convincing yourself of your intentions is much simpler that trying to convince others. While you intentions might be well placed, the person may doubt because you have slighted them, fooled them or ignored them. It's a complicated reenactment of the boy who cried wolf. You ask for things or request help until people don’t believe you're actually grateful. They, you begin your laborious assent from darkness and ask for a hand. This time, you truly mean what you're saying and really do want their help. Once you've used someone and they know it, it's more times than not, difficult to convince them of otherwise in the future. People don’t react well to being played. And because they have their best interest in mind and care about their own existence they are wary to dish out assistance again. It is these situations that I see in Andy's future. If he will be persistent and honest he will convince those that count that he is ready to begin living life to the fullest. It will not be easy and I fear it will be taxing and discouraging, which may cause him to give up. A part of me knows he'll wake up one day and begin figuring things out. I fear for him also because the wake up call may be very loud and simultaneously harsh. Something such as a death or perhaps a birth...I want to know that I’ll be there for him. part of me feels that I'll do whatever it takes to keep our relationship afloat. Another part of me wants to be tough and realistic. I'm honestly trying to find a happy medium of the two. No, I don’t approve of his actions, but I don’t want to push him away either. The balance is a difficult thing to manage. I'm not his mother but i feel a very maternal bond has developed. I know that's setting myself up for some pretty good heartache, but I cannot see how to avoid the disaster. His girlfriend complicates the whole thing. I'm not quite sure the exact reason I don’t like her. I have a few ideas though. For starters, she's older. Andy's 19 and she's 22 or 23. Age in and of itself isn’t really the thing. I mean Jace is 6 years older than I am. We were engaged when I was 19. However, I'm now and was then at a different place in my life. Jace had never really had a serious relationship before and he hadn’t lived with someone else. She lived with some loser in a trailer for a long time before she met Andy. There's also something about the way she talks. There are times when I have to play mental connect-the-dots with what she's saying. It's like she doesn’t make complete sense sometimes. She too, has no ambition or goals that are worth mentioning. She has no idea what she wants to do with her life. Her influence on Andy is uncanny. It's funny how a daughter of a drug-doin’ hippie parents could hold so much sway over a good kid like Andy. I do not lay all of the blame on her, but I do rest some with her because she's old enough to know better. What grown woman moves to a new city wit nothing but 1 month's rent and no employment prospects? Honestly. One would think that after years of living on one's own that good preparation before a move would seem essential. But you have to wonder about the actual intelligence of a grown woman who just lets herself be pushed around when she should know better or at least step up and say something like, "Hey, I think we should save up some more money before we move it a place with higher living expenses." As you can see, I haven’t mentioned 1 thing about her looks because that's no important. All I'm saying is that her weak personality aggravates the situation because instead of talking some sense into Andy she just makes things worse by going along with his hair-brained ideas with such idealistic/unrealistic fervor that any lucid human being would become ill.