Post-Holiday Funk
I'm in the post-holiday funk and feeling terribly homesick for New York (mainly Rochester), and of course I'm not sleeping very well because my mind is going a mile-a-minute. And you know what? I am pissed as fuck as my aunt.
See, she sent me a Christmas present. I took this as an attempt to reconcile things, so I sent her a friend request on facebook.
And got NOTHING back.
Well, FUCK HER.
I'm just so angry, I feel like she's jerking me around. And it pisses me off. I don't know what she wants, but I am firmly telling myself not to care. I am pissed that she ripped my life in two, didn't pay me back my money, forcing me into debt for the move. I am pissed that she acted like I was some kind of terrible deadbeat person, when in reality living with HER was making me sicker, because I was constantly trying to do the "right" thing in her eyes.
I know now that being out of there is better, but it doesn't make it hurt any less when I miss Rochester. It doesn't make it hurt any less when I miss culture and not being in freaking MONTANA.
The worst part is that I know what I have to do- I just have to ACCEPT that she is never going to know my side of things. I'm never going to be able to make her sit down and listen to my grievances, and she is probably going to go to her grave holding a grudge against me just like she has against her parents and her siblings for not loving her enough or something stupid like that. And that KILLS me. I know I have to accept it, and I hope that someday I will, but it really bothers me that I have no recourse here. I can't make her listen. I don't have that control, and she is the queen of ignoring things she doesn't want to hear.
And frankly, that burns me up inside. Like I said, I know there's not a damned thing I can do about it, and I suppose I'll just keep writing letters to her that I'm never going to mail and hope that eventually it becomes possible to finally let it go. But for now, it's just pissing me off.
SIGH.
Anyway, in other news, I applied for a job I want and I also found that Cascade County is looking for an extension agent, but of course they want you to have a Masters, so IDK. I'm hoping I get the job I applied for... it's the first one I've applied for that I actually want, so fingers crossed. Thankfully the new year has come with a glut of job postings, so hopefully I'll find something before I have to go back to N.E.W.
See, she sent me a Christmas present. I took this as an attempt to reconcile things, so I sent her a friend request on facebook.
And got NOTHING back.
Well, FUCK HER.
I'm just so angry, I feel like she's jerking me around. And it pisses me off. I don't know what she wants, but I am firmly telling myself not to care. I am pissed that she ripped my life in two, didn't pay me back my money, forcing me into debt for the move. I am pissed that she acted like I was some kind of terrible deadbeat person, when in reality living with HER was making me sicker, because I was constantly trying to do the "right" thing in her eyes.
I know now that being out of there is better, but it doesn't make it hurt any less when I miss Rochester. It doesn't make it hurt any less when I miss culture and not being in freaking MONTANA.
The worst part is that I know what I have to do- I just have to ACCEPT that she is never going to know my side of things. I'm never going to be able to make her sit down and listen to my grievances, and she is probably going to go to her grave holding a grudge against me just like she has against her parents and her siblings for not loving her enough or something stupid like that. And that KILLS me. I know I have to accept it, and I hope that someday I will, but it really bothers me that I have no recourse here. I can't make her listen. I don't have that control, and she is the queen of ignoring things she doesn't want to hear.
And frankly, that burns me up inside. Like I said, I know there's not a damned thing I can do about it, and I suppose I'll just keep writing letters to her that I'm never going to mail and hope that eventually it becomes possible to finally let it go. But for now, it's just pissing me off.
SIGH.
Anyway, in other news, I applied for a job I want and I also found that Cascade County is looking for an extension agent, but of course they want you to have a Masters, so IDK. I'm hoping I get the job I applied for... it's the first one I've applied for that I actually want, so fingers crossed. Thankfully the new year has come with a glut of job postings, so hopefully I'll find something before I have to go back to N.E.W.