The One worth Suffering for chapter 12
Jensen looked so peaceful when he was sleeping Jared observed as he stood in the doorway of Chad’s spare bedroom. If it weren’t for the nightmares, Jared would’ve believed that that was the only time Jensen found peace lately. As Jared closed the door and walked back to the den where Chad had a beer waiting for him, Jared realized that the police gave Jensen more nightmare material today.
“Is he asleep?” Chad asked.
“For now he is.” Jared answered. “Chad I appreciate what you’re doing for Jensen, for us by letting him stay here, but I want him home so god dammed bad.”
“The pregnancy is what is making him tired,” Chad explained. “But the stress on top of it is wearing him out and it seems as though everyday someone piles on a little more. I know you want him home, but he’s welcome to stay here as long as he needs to.”
“He needs to be home so I can watch him closer and I can take care of him.” Jared tried to explain.
“You want him home so you can take care of him or try to convince him to kill his baby in the privacy of your own home?” Chad accused before taking a swig of his beer.
“Having this baby is a bad idea Chad; seeing this child everyday will never let Jensen forget what happened to him,” Jared defended.
“And people call me a douche,” Chad laughed. “Do you really believe that he would be able to forget what happened to him by getting rid of this baby? That the memories of that night would just going to automatically disappear? I remember treating a girl during my residency who had tried to commit suicide after she had been raped. With her, it was the oddest things that triggered her memory. It would be a smell, a word, the way someone walked.”
“I don’t want that for Jensen. I…”
“Yeah I know you want to protect him. Here is something you need to think about, Jensen doesn’t need someone to protect him, that black eye you’re sporting should tell you he can do that himself. He needs you to love him, to hold his hand through the rough spots and the rest will fall into place.”
Jared thought about what Chad said, but he still didn’t think Jensen should have this child.
“Have you two considered counseling?” Chad said after a moment.
“No.” Jared answered. Honestly, the thought never occurred to him.
“Then you should. I know you wanna be his white knight, but this isn’t something you can fix yourself Jared.”
While Jensen rested Jared, thought about that conversation as he and Chad whiled away the afternoon playing video games and taking turns check on Jensen who woke after a three-hour nap.
“Why did you guys let me sleep so long,” a grumpy Jensen complained as he yawned, walked into the den and stretched out on the sofa and closed his eyes and promptly went back to sleep.
“Your little Princess is a spoiled bitch,” Chad advised Jared.
“Like you didn’t help,” Jared reminded the other man as he answered his ringing phone.
“We’re at Chad’s,” Jared spoke into the phone. “Okay, we’ll see you then.”
Chad looked at Jared and raised his eyebrow as though silently asking who was on the phone.
“Expect company in about fifteen minutes, that was Chris informing me that he and the gang are coming whether we want them here or not.”
“Well call them back and tell them your spoiled bitch wants food,” Jensen mumbled from the sofa.
“Too late,” Jared laughed as the doorbell rang.
Jared opened the door and stepped out of the way quickly or he risked being trampled by their large group of friends who to Jensen’s delight, came bearing food.
“We know things are not… stable right now,” Chris said as he placed the large bag of food he was carrying on the table, “But y’all have missed our dinners for the past two months, so we thought we would bring the dinner to you.”
“Great because I’m starving,” Jensen stated as he inhaled the delicious aroma, but as the smell from the food permeated the air, Jensen made a mad dash to the bathroom as his stomach protested from the smell permeating the room. Aldis, however was pleased because Jensen knocked Danneel in to his arms as he ran past the pair.
“Thanks man,” Aldis said as he looked down at the beautiful woman in his arms.
Pulling Jared aside Chris demanded of Jared, “So I guess you didn’t convince him to abort then?”
“I should have known he would’ve told you,” Jared said bitterly as he watched Chad follow Jensen into the bathroom. He was upset because he knew that Jensen still would not welcome his help the way he did Chad’s.
“Look not tonight alright. It has been a bad fucking day and you guys showing up was like a breath of fresh air after being in a sewer for the past two months. I’m going to make some toast to help settle Jen’s stomach.”
Chris nodded and frowned with concern as he watched Jared’s shoulders droop as he walked towards the kitchen, resigned to let Chad offer the comfort he wanted to give Jensen while he acted as the backup.
“You okay?” Katie asked as Jensen walked back to the sofa, but then gushed “Oooooh,” smiled and clapped excitedly when she noticed his baby bump. “Jen you’re pregnant!”
Jared smiled and took the congratulations offered by their friends while the only thing running through his mind was now we will have to pretend he miscarried.
”Congratulations papa Jared!” Mike yelled breaking Jared out of his reverie. That was the way the rest of the evening went, everyone either offering congratulations or offering advice, and Jared smiled through it all even though he didn’t want either.
They all knew now so there was no way they could end the pregnancy quietly. When they eventually found out that the baby was not his and that he didn’t want it he knew he would come off looking like a dick. He also knew that their friends would rally around them and offer their undying support once the truth came out about the baby’s parentage and they would blame him if Jensen ended up hurt even more because of this. The thing about that was that their friends wouldn’t have to live with a daily reminder of the worst day of their lives. The baby would be the personification of the brutal rape with the expectation of him condoning it. As he falsely accepted the offers of congratulations, Jared realized that the only thing that made the evening worse was the fact that he had to go home and leave Jensen with Chad.
The next morning when Jared showed up at his office, Chris Kane was there waiting for him. There was no way he could turn around because the man had positioned himself in such a way that Jared would not see him until it was too late to retreat.
As he approached the shorter man, Chris held out a cup of coffee. “Is it safe to drink?” Jared asked before he took a sip of the hot brew.
“If I’mma hurt you, I’ll take pleasure from the fact that you knew it was me, it would never be something girly like poisoning,” Chris assured. “But by the looks of your eye it appears as though someone has already beaten me to it.”
Unlocking the door the turned to Chris and invited him in, “That’s reassuring because I’d hate to waste a good cup of coffee, so let’s get this over with.”
“You could avoid this entire conversation just by telling me that you are no longer trying to convince Jensen to abort his child.”
“Then let’s talk.”
“Why are you doing this Jared? I know you understand what a hard time he’s having with this, but he would eventually give in just to please you.”
Jared sighed and at one time, he would have agreed with Chris, and this baby would be history, but Jensen was fighting him on this and not giving in. If he could persuade Jensen to do this, his womb would have been empty now.
“Look I don’t know how much Jensen has told you…”
“I know the baby isn’t yours,” Chris interrupted, “and despite what lie you’re telling yourself that why you’re so desperate to get rid of it.”
Jared realized here in his office he could admit the truth aloud and relieve some of the weight he had been carrying, but instead he countered, “That would make me the world’s biggest dick.”
“No Jared that would make you human.”
Jensen woke to the smell of coffee and toast and his stomach began to roll. “Good morning Princess,” Chad greeted. “Sit up and eat some of the toast before you get out of the bed and that should settle your stomach.” Chad advised.
Jensen followed Chad’s advice and much to his surprise, it worked. For some reason there were times that it still amazed him when he discovered that Chad actually knew what he was talking about. After dozing off, he was reawakened this time by the smell of eggs, toast and juice along with a side of very nasty prenatal vitamins. He wasn’t sure if it was the fact that his stomach had settled or the fact that Chad stood over him as he ate that kept the food in his stomach.
“Hey since you were a good princess I got you something,” Chad admitted giving Jensen a bag he didn’t see him bring in. Jensen recognized the logo of one of the most elite baby stores in town. He knew it because he had spent so much time there fantasizing when he and Jared first started trying for a baby. Then there was the fact that he may or may not have purchased something from the same store.
Jensen counted to three before he carefully opened the bag because he did not want to seem too eager. With slightly trembling hands, he retrieved three onesies in green, yellow and white. He did not know how long he grinned like an idiot at the cuteness of the items.
“Since you don’t know the sex yet, I tried to get neutral colors,” Chad explained as he blushed awkwardly.
Jensen looked at Chad trying to blink back the tears that were threatening, but one escaped anyway. “If you don’t like them I can exchange them,” Chad said hurriedly misunderstanding the tears.
“No, they… they’re perfect,” He wanted to explain that this is the first joyful acknowledgement from someone who knew the whole story about this life he carried, but he was too choked up to get the words out.
“Why? I mean you know Jared wants me to abort this baby, yet here you are encouraging me to have it?”
“You want me to side with Jared?” Chad questioned.
“You usually do,” Jensen pointed out.
“I did when he had your best interests at heart,” Chad explained. “Aborting this baby is more for him and his pride than what’s best for you.”
“Thank you.”
“If you decide against having the baby, I’ll still be there to support you, but Jared can’t make this decision for you Jensen.” He paused before he continued. “Jared has made up his mind and the baby is not real for him, it’s just an inconvenience, but for you it is a living being, so you think hard before you give into him because he’s not the one who will have to live with the outcome.”
Chad paused for a second and then advised, “I told Jared that it might be a good idea for the two of you to get counseling, and even if he doesn’t I think you should Jen.”
Jensen buries he face in the soft baby clothes and lets Chad’s words wash over him. It felt so good to have Chad on his side for once. Even though it was no longer true, Jensen was so much smaller than Jared and Chad until he hit his growth spurt when he was fourteen. It seemed that his small stature made him the target for everyone, but once the bullies realized they had to face the two bigger boys they backed off. Everyone except Keith Green.
When they were ten Keith made it his personal goal to make Jensen miserable. His torture included everything from wedgies to stealing his lunch money, all of the classics. That was the first time Jared and Chad banded together to protect Jensen. No matter how often over the years Jensen pleaded and begged they always sided against him. Until now. Jared wanted him to have an abortion and Chad was buying him baby clothes.
“Chad, what if a tiny part of me wants, or at last has considered the abortion?” His voice was pleading for Chad to understand.
“Why would you have considered that?” Chad asked puzzled.
“It’s just. Chad this child’s father raped me. What if he turned out like his father. I don’t even know who he is, but the one thing I do know is not very good.”
“And what if he’s like you Jensen, kind, loyal and loving? You’re a good man Jensen and your child won’t be able to help but be the same.”
Because this was Chad’s day off, the two friends spent the rest of the day in a state of vegetation. They sat on the sofa talking, eating and watching movies. It reminded Jensen of when he and Jared were still dancing around each other and he was trying to understand those feelings he had for the other boy. The only thing missing was Jared.
“Call him,” Chad advised interrupting his reflections.
Jensen didn’t even hesitate; he picked up his cell from the coffee table and called silently praying that Jared wanted to hear his voice as much as he wanted to hear Jared’s. Jared answered on the first ring.
“Jensen? Is something wrong?” Jared asked because he didn’t speak, he just let the sound of Jared’s voice help soothe his frayed nerves.
“No, nothing’s wrong,” Jensen assured. “I just wanted to hear your voice.”
“If you come home you can hear my voice anytime you want because there would be no miles between us and no Chad standing guard over you.” Jared cajoled.
Jensen snickered as he looked at Chad who was literally standing over him as he had moved to get himself another beer. “How did you know?” Jensen asked.
“Because it’s what I would do,” Jared explained. “You didn’t answer my question about question about coming home, is it going to be soon?”
“Jared when you look in the mirror that should tell you that we still need some more time, that we’re not ready yet.”
“Then when Jensen will you come home? When?” Jared begged. “I can’t sleep without you here.”
“When I can trust you Jared,” Jensen softly answered.
Jensen heard the soft intake of breath on the other end of the phone, but he couldn’t allow himself to be swayed by
Jared’s hurt feelings. Jared had had surgery and didn’t bother to tell Jensen, he just let him think that they were going to have a child that Jared couldn’t sire. How did he move on from that? Then there was the other elephant in the room, Jared had actually believed that Jensen allowed those men to hurt him, and once he found out about him being drugged, he thought saying sorry was enough.
Now Jared wanted him to kill his baby. Jensen knew that he was guilty of having those thoughts as well, but for Jared that is the only option and it is not for Jensen.
“Jensen, I know I fucked up, but tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it because I can’t lose you.”
“Chad had a good suggestion,” Jensen started.
“Of course I did,” Chad agreed from his position on the sofa next to Jensen. “What was my ingenious idea this time?” he inquired.
“Counseling,” Jensen suggested.
“Jensen…” Jared began.
“You said anything Jared and this is my anything,” Jensen reminded, his tone brooked no argument.
Two days later Jared and Jensen were sharing an expensive leather covered sofa across from Dr. Jim Beaver. He appeared to be a kind man, but both men were nervous and embarrassed at having to have someone else help them solve their personal issues.
“So, Jensen,” Beaver began, “Tell me why you are here.”
“It’s there in your file,” Jensen reminded him.
“Yes, but I want to hear it from you Jensen,” Dr. Beaver prompted.
Jensen blindly reached out for the security of Jared’s hand as he began to speak, not even noticing when Jared came to the realization that Jensen touched him of his own accord since before Jared made that fateful trip to California.
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