there's not a word that i comprehend, except when you signed it "i'll love you always, and forever."

[cidith2289]

i hate how i stay up at night with tons of ideas in my head and i can't wait to write them down..so when i wake up i spill my heart out and then after school..i have another story to tell. why do i depend on my journal so much when i have great friends i can count on? and i love being told i'm your best friend. sometimes, i think it would be easier to give in. to let myself fall harder than i already have..and then when you leave..deal with it. but i know it would kill me. if we are so wrapped up now..it would be horrible then. and i hate how you are going to be so far away and how i cant tell you i love you because now you'd never believe me. i wish you knew how i felt and where i was coming from because maybe you would understand how hard it is to watch you and know that you won't be in my future. and i thought about my future, and how i have so much ahead of me..and i can't worry about things that are too serious because if i do i'll grow up and regret not actually living my life. and i came home and fell asleep because when i wake up..i feel much better. but today, i feel completely torn. i can't even escape the drama in my dreams. and i feel so foolish for feeling the way i do because i'm stuck. and i love this, and i hate this, and i just wanna be free..but i feel so empty without you. and i understand why i have to do this, but i don't understand why i feel so horrible. why i feel like i'm being forced to. why i feel so lonely. and i have a impulse in my heart that's saying "i want you back..i need you." and i have an impulse in my legs that says "stay right here, it will just make things worse." and none of them seem right.

i like to close my eyes and pretend it's all okay.