Hello there y'all...
It's been almost 2 months since I last stepped foot in here to read, let alone post anything.
Sice my last post back on October 4th things have not been so well.
First off, work stress mounted as I have at seems been the passive target of harassment, and had to call HR to complain and just went right to the jugular and then told my manager.
That largely stopped that but there may have been a retalliation when I had to talk to HR again, this time about 2 complaints, one being trumpped up.
I suspect the main instigator here and yet she's still at the site, but at least now, she's cut the shit, and my stress levels have reduced considerably.
However, all was not well as I've had days where I felt tired, tense and having trouble sleeping through the night, awakening to being too hot, body tense, can at times feel the blood pulsing through my body, and having not so pleasant thoughts of what if I'm dying thoughts.
I know part of the issue is I have been off my meds since early last year when I ran out as I didn't want to incurr medical bills while trying to find a house.
The meds are for slowing my heart rate which is borderline fast, and blood pressure meds as that does run in the family. So needless to say, with the anxiety of my old site closing and how to maintain my new raise with a new site etc, and the stress of the new place, I think I ended up having panic like attack, and was dealing with a hypertensive crisis of sorts so had to beg off work the next morning to take care of it. What happens is my body gets tense, and I feel disconnected from my body and it affects my outlook as well as my physical being. It is also I think exasserbated by the house hunt not moving at all as there are NO homes in my price range that either fit my needs, or my budget, and most of the condos that come up now are too high in price (usually when you look for a home, a stand alone home is always going to be more than a condo when approved for a loan, so if I'm good fof $181K on a house, the condo can't be over $131K for instance since the reasons are other expenses that need to be factored into the entire Escrow payment, the mortgage payment, homeowner's insurance, the HOA, property taxes and I think that's it as it's the monthly payment that establishes your budget, not the overall price of the home/condo, but what you are comfortably able to afford to spend each month, and there IS a cap as well as it's based on your income as it is currently. So in my case, I can't go over $960/Mo anyway as that's all they'll allow for the monthly payment.
So with that, no home to bid on and meantime I'm here stuck in my apartment and stagnating. It's thei frustration of not moving forward that is part of my mood swings at this time as I come home, sit on my ass in front of the computer and just flitter back and fourth on open tabs restlessly and without much interest some nights, sad isn't it?
Anyway, all that came to a head and went to a local urgent care clinic on Broadway and got my meds renewed, and almost immediately after getting home and taking them, I began to feel MUCH better. I now have an appointment with mh primary care doctor for Dec 15th to get a baseline of my overall health, which is good as it's supposed to be free, as part of my medical coverage. While there I'll get a spot on my back looked at. It's a largish mole like thing, but it's flat and had almost a leathery feel, it's even, the border is very distinct and it's almost round, and black, so not splotchy so likely not malignent or anything, but it never hurts to have it checked out anyway and I have had a need to get my belly button surgically fixed as part of my intestine is sticking through inside the button's hole so it's more of an outie than it should be and I've put it off for a very long time. Well, I may now have a mild ulcer on my left side in that intestine, and have the occasiional bloody stool, so will have that checked and after the first of the year look into getting that all dealt with, and hopefully I can find a place to buy and get moved from here as part of my problem here is excess moisture, thanks in part due to the excess rain we've had lately as the place feels damp and clammy at times, and this is despite the heat being on. Plus, I get condensation on my ceiling in the corners where it meets the outside walls, and my insulated windows get condensation as well, and yes kids, mold grows and I've spent th last two weekends dealing with it. It seems to be a bit worse than it's been, but damn, I just want to dump this place, the love here has been gone for a long while after all, I'll been in this place 12 years come December 5th, can you believe it? I did have to invest in a GOOD step stool, one that folds and has three, sturdy and wide steps to safely stand on while scrubbing the ceiling etc, and thankfully it was on sale too. Also, this month got expensive, thanks to my car battery dying and having to buy a new one ($120) and then the fee for the urgent care clinic (also $120) so yeah, not fun stuff to buy, but very necessary, and I still have to renew my tabs too, but that's next month even though they technically expire at the end of this month.
In any event, in the back of my mind I hope I don't have some cancer growing me that can't be fixed and I also have this real fear of dying, as in, who will know I'm gone when even my sibs don't contact me, nor me to them except every so often, like once a month or something and the occasional email.
Anyway, that and I need to stop being a fucking hermit and get out and about again, but with rent being what it is at close to 60% of my budget, my place not really conducive to hosting and what not, I'm just not feeling it. One thing I did note when I began to take my meds I did briefly lost a couple of pounds but it appears I've regained them back, which is nice.
So anyway, that's where things are as I try to figure out a way out of this predicament and just move on.
BTW, will be at my youngest sister's place for T-Day, so a drive to Olympia is in order on Thursday with the rest of the clan that remains and frienids, normally somewhere between 20-30 people are at their house for the big feast and always a great time is had. I'll be crashing at my best buddy's place and come home sometime Friday as we get a 4 day weekend off, which is really nice. amd thankful Farmer's also does this, as T-Mobile did as well so I've gotten used to that.
next up is to fire up the stove and make dinner.
Sice my last post back on October 4th things have not been so well.
First off, work stress mounted as I have at seems been the passive target of harassment, and had to call HR to complain and just went right to the jugular and then told my manager.
That largely stopped that but there may have been a retalliation when I had to talk to HR again, this time about 2 complaints, one being trumpped up.
I suspect the main instigator here and yet she's still at the site, but at least now, she's cut the shit, and my stress levels have reduced considerably.
However, all was not well as I've had days where I felt tired, tense and having trouble sleeping through the night, awakening to being too hot, body tense, can at times feel the blood pulsing through my body, and having not so pleasant thoughts of what if I'm dying thoughts.
I know part of the issue is I have been off my meds since early last year when I ran out as I didn't want to incurr medical bills while trying to find a house.
The meds are for slowing my heart rate which is borderline fast, and blood pressure meds as that does run in the family. So needless to say, with the anxiety of my old site closing and how to maintain my new raise with a new site etc, and the stress of the new place, I think I ended up having panic like attack, and was dealing with a hypertensive crisis of sorts so had to beg off work the next morning to take care of it. What happens is my body gets tense, and I feel disconnected from my body and it affects my outlook as well as my physical being. It is also I think exasserbated by the house hunt not moving at all as there are NO homes in my price range that either fit my needs, or my budget, and most of the condos that come up now are too high in price (usually when you look for a home, a stand alone home is always going to be more than a condo when approved for a loan, so if I'm good fof $181K on a house, the condo can't be over $131K for instance since the reasons are other expenses that need to be factored into the entire Escrow payment, the mortgage payment, homeowner's insurance, the HOA, property taxes and I think that's it as it's the monthly payment that establishes your budget, not the overall price of the home/condo, but what you are comfortably able to afford to spend each month, and there IS a cap as well as it's based on your income as it is currently. So in my case, I can't go over $960/Mo anyway as that's all they'll allow for the monthly payment.
So with that, no home to bid on and meantime I'm here stuck in my apartment and stagnating. It's thei frustration of not moving forward that is part of my mood swings at this time as I come home, sit on my ass in front of the computer and just flitter back and fourth on open tabs restlessly and without much interest some nights, sad isn't it?
Anyway, all that came to a head and went to a local urgent care clinic on Broadway and got my meds renewed, and almost immediately after getting home and taking them, I began to feel MUCH better. I now have an appointment with mh primary care doctor for Dec 15th to get a baseline of my overall health, which is good as it's supposed to be free, as part of my medical coverage. While there I'll get a spot on my back looked at. It's a largish mole like thing, but it's flat and had almost a leathery feel, it's even, the border is very distinct and it's almost round, and black, so not splotchy so likely not malignent or anything, but it never hurts to have it checked out anyway and I have had a need to get my belly button surgically fixed as part of my intestine is sticking through inside the button's hole so it's more of an outie than it should be and I've put it off for a very long time. Well, I may now have a mild ulcer on my left side in that intestine, and have the occasiional bloody stool, so will have that checked and after the first of the year look into getting that all dealt with, and hopefully I can find a place to buy and get moved from here as part of my problem here is excess moisture, thanks in part due to the excess rain we've had lately as the place feels damp and clammy at times, and this is despite the heat being on. Plus, I get condensation on my ceiling in the corners where it meets the outside walls, and my insulated windows get condensation as well, and yes kids, mold grows and I've spent th last two weekends dealing with it. It seems to be a bit worse than it's been, but damn, I just want to dump this place, the love here has been gone for a long while after all, I'll been in this place 12 years come December 5th, can you believe it? I did have to invest in a GOOD step stool, one that folds and has three, sturdy and wide steps to safely stand on while scrubbing the ceiling etc, and thankfully it was on sale too. Also, this month got expensive, thanks to my car battery dying and having to buy a new one ($120) and then the fee for the urgent care clinic (also $120) so yeah, not fun stuff to buy, but very necessary, and I still have to renew my tabs too, but that's next month even though they technically expire at the end of this month.
In any event, in the back of my mind I hope I don't have some cancer growing me that can't be fixed and I also have this real fear of dying, as in, who will know I'm gone when even my sibs don't contact me, nor me to them except every so often, like once a month or something and the occasional email.
Anyway, that and I need to stop being a fucking hermit and get out and about again, but with rent being what it is at close to 60% of my budget, my place not really conducive to hosting and what not, I'm just not feeling it. One thing I did note when I began to take my meds I did briefly lost a couple of pounds but it appears I've regained them back, which is nice.
So anyway, that's where things are as I try to figure out a way out of this predicament and just move on.
BTW, will be at my youngest sister's place for T-Day, so a drive to Olympia is in order on Thursday with the rest of the clan that remains and frienids, normally somewhere between 20-30 people are at their house for the big feast and always a great time is had. I'll be crashing at my best buddy's place and come home sometime Friday as we get a 4 day weekend off, which is really nice. amd thankful Farmer's also does this, as T-Mobile did as well so I've gotten used to that.
next up is to fire up the stove and make dinner.