Post death survival (for the survivors)
This isn't anything morbid, but some thoughts on a few things I've noted this week with me as I work through the aftermath of loosing Mom.
For starters, I have dreamed of her 3 times this week, all seem to convey her in the now, as if still alive, one only had her in reference in a dream, but it was about now that Mom's gone, who wile be living in her house (it being my old childhood home that we moved out of in 1985). The other two were last night, and both had her alive and in one, I was I think sharing a bed with her, and she was at one point demonstrating to me her friend Audie and how she would sleep crosswise in the bed, and the second dream, Mom was sitting at the kitchen table, facing me as I was in the kitchen, I think, and she was discussing stuff, and repeats it again, things like having a box of stuff to donate to an organization she'd found and gotten involved in, and of making the best Minestrone soup she'd ever made and I was thinking, when she is gone, I'll have to take time off work and travel down to where she was then living (out of state) to deal with the house.
Both dreams were on that same theme, when she's gone thoughts within, when she's in the "present" in them. Strange how your mind will do things like that in your sleep. Also, it helps to maintain existing traditions, at least for the first year as you work through the grief and since Mom died in October, it was close to the major holidays that it was best to do just that, so Thanksgiving at Betsy's per usual, cookie baking at Sal's per usual and going to Betsy's for Prime Rib Christmas Day per usual, but one thing had to change due to how I normally spent Christmas Eve, which was at Mom's so without that, Ellen has stepped up and offered me to spend time with them that evening, and maybe spend the night and enjoy Christmas morning with them, which I plan on doing as it will mean I can just drive from their house directly to Betsy's place in Olympia as it's a straight shot down SR 3 to Olympia.
I'm also finding myself slacking less and actually, you know, getting actual stuff done. I'm using some of the kitchen stuff I'd not used in a while as I rediscover things, like my Le Creuset skillets for browning/sauteing. I'm slowly working back to my portfolio stuff, and getting so I can print stuff up again, now that I have ink and today will go get fresh presentation paper at least for CD artwork projects as I need to come up with something for 2 sisters for their offers of taking me in for Christmas Eve and Day. I'd do something with material, say, make an apron, but don't have a pattern, and need material and there simply isn't time to do it at this late stage in the game anyway, and I'd have had to find a place to sew, even if on my dining table for now to begin with.
Early on after Mom died, I realized I needed to let my muses out and bring them to the table and thus my creativity needs to be let loose to coexist in my life for a change, something I've let go dormant for far too long. Lately, though it's been actual cleaning activities, such as going through stuff and getting rid of things, cleaning the kitchen good, which I did last month, well, the major portion of it anyway, and just this week, have been picking up and putting away of items, and cooking more too - and cleaning up the kitchen much more regularly than I had been. I also found some things I decided I don't need to keep anymore, so they are in a box to eventually donate when I have it full.
While I've always been a relatively organized person, I've been working on improving problem areas in that arena as well and some will have to wait until next year. One project is to go through my files and clean them out, but can't really do that fully until I relocate Mom's computer, and that'll happen once the tree is put away until next Christmas as I'm converting it to a DVR of sorts. The reason is where I have it now and it is in the way of one file drawer at the moment. Also, I want to gather my recipes that I've either printed up, or saved/typed on the computer and print those, put in plastic sleeves and into a binder to have at the ready when I need to cook something, and can't recall what's in it.
I even finally put away coats and cleared off my dining chairs of stuff, like Mom's electric drill that I had plopped in one when I first brought it home to use to disassemble stuff as needed when I was packing for a move I thought I would have to do then, little things like that. I still have a few things like that in the bedroom to deal with too, but even it's much better than it's been in a while.
In the end, it's because of my grief, and self evaluation of where I am now, I am finding priorities changing and thus my needs changing too, and one is to try to get myself out there and meet someone and see where it takes me and this will also be true of the new job/career I'm trying to pursue. One thing my boss said the other day is that come January, he'll get me back in at PIRC, the printing center at the local offices, this time to learn how best to set things up when I work on projects that need to be printed up, either by me, or by a print house so that what is seen on screen, is as close to what is printed, or vice, versa. But in the meantime, I work on my portfolio, and I took a few moments earlier this week to write out a basic outline of what I realized I need to do with it. Also, with the new job, see what I end up making BEFORE I move as it will determine what I can afford rent wise. I am wanting to move as my place now has some issues that have been there all along, but have gotten worse in recent years and I'm getting tired of lugging large loads up the 4 flights of stairs when need be as there is no elevator handy and the one, lone elevator there is, is only for the front half of the building, and is out of commission these days.
Other than that, my mood most days is OK, which is a good thing.
For starters, I have dreamed of her 3 times this week, all seem to convey her in the now, as if still alive, one only had her in reference in a dream, but it was about now that Mom's gone, who wile be living in her house (it being my old childhood home that we moved out of in 1985). The other two were last night, and both had her alive and in one, I was I think sharing a bed with her, and she was at one point demonstrating to me her friend Audie and how she would sleep crosswise in the bed, and the second dream, Mom was sitting at the kitchen table, facing me as I was in the kitchen, I think, and she was discussing stuff, and repeats it again, things like having a box of stuff to donate to an organization she'd found and gotten involved in, and of making the best Minestrone soup she'd ever made and I was thinking, when she is gone, I'll have to take time off work and travel down to where she was then living (out of state) to deal with the house.
Both dreams were on that same theme, when she's gone thoughts within, when she's in the "present" in them. Strange how your mind will do things like that in your sleep. Also, it helps to maintain existing traditions, at least for the first year as you work through the grief and since Mom died in October, it was close to the major holidays that it was best to do just that, so Thanksgiving at Betsy's per usual, cookie baking at Sal's per usual and going to Betsy's for Prime Rib Christmas Day per usual, but one thing had to change due to how I normally spent Christmas Eve, which was at Mom's so without that, Ellen has stepped up and offered me to spend time with them that evening, and maybe spend the night and enjoy Christmas morning with them, which I plan on doing as it will mean I can just drive from their house directly to Betsy's place in Olympia as it's a straight shot down SR 3 to Olympia.
I'm also finding myself slacking less and actually, you know, getting actual stuff done. I'm using some of the kitchen stuff I'd not used in a while as I rediscover things, like my Le Creuset skillets for browning/sauteing. I'm slowly working back to my portfolio stuff, and getting so I can print stuff up again, now that I have ink and today will go get fresh presentation paper at least for CD artwork projects as I need to come up with something for 2 sisters for their offers of taking me in for Christmas Eve and Day. I'd do something with material, say, make an apron, but don't have a pattern, and need material and there simply isn't time to do it at this late stage in the game anyway, and I'd have had to find a place to sew, even if on my dining table for now to begin with.
Early on after Mom died, I realized I needed to let my muses out and bring them to the table and thus my creativity needs to be let loose to coexist in my life for a change, something I've let go dormant for far too long. Lately, though it's been actual cleaning activities, such as going through stuff and getting rid of things, cleaning the kitchen good, which I did last month, well, the major portion of it anyway, and just this week, have been picking up and putting away of items, and cooking more too - and cleaning up the kitchen much more regularly than I had been. I also found some things I decided I don't need to keep anymore, so they are in a box to eventually donate when I have it full.
While I've always been a relatively organized person, I've been working on improving problem areas in that arena as well and some will have to wait until next year. One project is to go through my files and clean them out, but can't really do that fully until I relocate Mom's computer, and that'll happen once the tree is put away until next Christmas as I'm converting it to a DVR of sorts. The reason is where I have it now and it is in the way of one file drawer at the moment. Also, I want to gather my recipes that I've either printed up, or saved/typed on the computer and print those, put in plastic sleeves and into a binder to have at the ready when I need to cook something, and can't recall what's in it.
I even finally put away coats and cleared off my dining chairs of stuff, like Mom's electric drill that I had plopped in one when I first brought it home to use to disassemble stuff as needed when I was packing for a move I thought I would have to do then, little things like that. I still have a few things like that in the bedroom to deal with too, but even it's much better than it's been in a while.
In the end, it's because of my grief, and self evaluation of where I am now, I am finding priorities changing and thus my needs changing too, and one is to try to get myself out there and meet someone and see where it takes me and this will also be true of the new job/career I'm trying to pursue. One thing my boss said the other day is that come January, he'll get me back in at PIRC, the printing center at the local offices, this time to learn how best to set things up when I work on projects that need to be printed up, either by me, or by a print house so that what is seen on screen, is as close to what is printed, or vice, versa. But in the meantime, I work on my portfolio, and I took a few moments earlier this week to write out a basic outline of what I realized I need to do with it. Also, with the new job, see what I end up making BEFORE I move as it will determine what I can afford rent wise. I am wanting to move as my place now has some issues that have been there all along, but have gotten worse in recent years and I'm getting tired of lugging large loads up the 4 flights of stairs when need be as there is no elevator handy and the one, lone elevator there is, is only for the front half of the building, and is out of commission these days.
Other than that, my mood most days is OK, which is a good thing.