Is This Fixable? (5/5)

[chwitchety]

Title: Is This Fixable? (5/5)
Author: Chwitchety
Rating: M
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: I dont own it, I dont profit from it, I just worship from afar.
Summary: Mark is sensible. Callie has her say. Our girls make some headway.

A/N: So as much fun as this has been, it has come to its end. I have been v grateful to everyone who has commented, it has all been much appreciated and constructive. With this fic, I have really attempted to do more of a character study than anything, so I am very grateful for those who told me what I was doing well, and what I was missing and gave me advice. So thanks. I know that this is probably not the ending you were looking for, but I really felt in the reality of it all, this was what fit. I am not fabulously happy with this chapter as it is a little rough and not as smooth as some of the other chapters, but it is what it is and im putting it out there and I hope you enjoy it. It is the longest chapter in the longest fic I have actually fully completed and not got bored so bored that i quit. So feeling a lil proud. I have an AU fic in the ideas bin, so this has definitely been helpful in preparation for that. Bring on Thursday night!

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~ I Crave Your Mouth, Your Voice, Your Hair ~

Don’t go far off, not even for a day
Don't go far off, not even for a day, because --
because -- I don't know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

~ Pablo Neruda ~

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Callie sat slumped on her sofa bed, bemused, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

Arizona had been here.

She turned her body slightly so she could peer over her shoulder to the kitchen counter where the solitary wine glass stood. It was still there. Arizona had really, really been there in the apartment drinking wine, and they had talked and hugged and almost - almost kissed.

The glass still contained the dregs.

Turning back to her original relaxed position, Callie sighed blissfully. She could feel the excitement bubbling up from within her. She could still sense Arizona’s hand rubbing the back of her neck; she could smell her on her clothes.

Arizona had looked at her like…well, like…

Arizona had come back for her.

Callie felt the uncontainable smile rise to her lips. Arizona was so madly in love with her that she had ditched Africa and arrived, unbidden, at her doorstep. She had come back.

Callie turned quickly to look at the glass again.

Yep, definitely still there. She wasn’t just imagining it.

She sunk back into the sofa feeling inordinately pleased with herself. Her dazed smile remained unfazed as she heard the key turn in the lock and Mark entered the apartment.

Callie ignored him while his eyes cast over the opened wine bottle and her blissful trance.

“What’s got you so happy?”

Callie didn’t even turn her head.

“Arizona was here.”

Mark’s eyes stopped scanning the room.

“Oh?” His mind began to fit together the puzzle pieces. Callie, wine, sofa bed, Arizona. “Right.” He drew the word out, grinning, indicating his complete understanding of her connotations.

“Wha-? No, Mark.” Trance broken, Callie exhaled exasperated, “we talked.”

Appraising him discerningly, she watched as Mark bit back the teasing and disbelieving ‘sure’ he looked like he was dying to say, before nodding once.

“And…?”

Callie relaxed back on the couch again, gazing at the ceiling.

“It was good. We hugged.”

Mark walked over to sit next to her, facing her with eyes narrowed.

“Okay.” He picked up her right foot, resting her calf on his knee, and began to rub along her bare sole.

Callie felt her defenses rise as Mark’s knowing look aggravated her.

“Mark, she’s come back for me.”

He looked uncertain as he continued massaging.

“Did she say that?”

Callie’s hands opened and lifted off the sofa in emphasis, before collapsing back down again in dejection. Annoyed, she rolled her eyes.

“No, but I could tell.”

“Cal -”

“I could tell, Mark.”

She yanked her leg out of his grasp, placing it decidedly back on the ground. Mark sighed.

“I believe you, Cal…”

Callie crossed her arms over her chest. He didn’t.

“…but what are you doing?”

Her eyes squinted in irritation as she turned her head and looked pointedly at him, speaking in an aggressive monotone.

“What?”

Mark stood his ground.

“Callie, this is the same woman that left you homeless, jobless and broken-hearted in an airport. I just want to be sure you’re sure about jumping back into bed with her.”

Callie scoffed and turned her head away from him, not wanting to be reminded of that day.

“I’m behind you one hundred percent, Callie, whatever you choose, but…just think about it, okay? I was there when you came back from - ”

“Okay!” Callie didn’t want to hear the rest of that story, “okay, Mark.” She looked at him sullenly. “Yes, alright? Yes.”

Mark raised his eyebrows and flattened his lips in a gesture of apology.

“I’m glad it went well tonight, but I just don’t want to see you hurt again.”

Callie sighed, giving a wan half-smile.

“You’re right.”

She clasped his hand and tapped the back of her hand, with their entwined fingers, against her lower thigh. Mark began to look marginally uncomfortable.

“Callie, about…I saw Lexie today, and…well…”

Callie’s smile grew.

“Hold on the benefits. Got it. I was gonna say the same, y’know.”

Mark gave a dry smile as he stood up.

“No kidding?”

He placed his free hand around the back of her head, pulling her closer and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“I’m going to bed.”

She let go of his hand as he took a step towards his bedroom. “Yeah.”

He smiled, watching her carefully.

“Just think, okay?”

“Yeah.”

She watched him as he made his way into his bedroom and closed the door, before heaving a sigh, slumping further into the couch and returning her gaze to the ceiling.

Mark was right. She was doing what she always did and getting ahead of herself. Just, when it came to Arizona, Callie knew she didn’t always think straight.

In fact, she often thought a whole lot of gay, actually.

Arizona was intoxicating. It hurt Callie to be in the same room as her. It almost hurt as much as when Arizona wasn’t there.

Almost.

But she needed to think. She couldn’t let Arizona make her so giddy again. Arizona may have come back for her, but That Day was just as fresh in Callie’s mind as if it had happened yesterday. At least twenty times a day she would review the script and make the necessary changes that would make Arizona stay. Prostration, proposals, or wrestling her into a cab. She thought about it so fucking much she was beginning to think she had PTSD. It especially came out to play at night, alone on the sofa, making it exceedingly difficult to sleep. Alcohol and Mark didn’t help. She had thought of sleeping pills, but stealing them would be stupid and getting a prescription would involve telling someone, having someone confirm that she had a problem. Callie Torres didn’t have a problem; she just couldn’t get the goddamn thoughts out of her brain.

Having Arizona so unexpectedly close to her, holding her, had temporarily blocked out the memories, but Mark’s sage advice had brought them back with a vengeance. He had been the one who found her.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It could have been 10 minutes; it could have been 10 hours.

She had stood transfixed, staring at the gateway her girlfriend had disappeared through, mind blank, caught in the paralyzing fear that - should she move - everything would become real.

Her mouth was dry and her heart was somewhere in a hole about 6 feet under her. That didn’t explain the horrendous pain in her chest, then.

Just don’t move.

“Sorry.”

The little red-headed kid had backed into her luggage and almost knocked it over. Her eyes snapped from the gate onto the toppling 5 year old as he steadied both himself and her carry-on suitcase, before looking up to her.

She gazed back, numbly.

The child, uncomfortable with her lack of reaction, turned and ran back to his parents, glancing back, twice, as Callie watched him.

Boom.

And suddenly it was real.

Arizona had left her. Not just for Africa, but left her, left her. Had walked away without a backwards glance, left her.

The pain in her chest became overwhelming and Callie found she couldn’t catch her breath. Her eyes began to pool.

“Flight 742 to Dubai is boarding. Flight 742…”

Callie was jolted by the loudspeaker and became aware of the hundreds of people milling around her vicinity. She swallowed. Gaining her composure, her left hand carefully snaked out to grasp the handle of her suitcase and tested its weight with a slight tilt.

She had to get out of there. Immediately.

She didn’t know where she was going to go, but it had to be anywhere but here. She felt physically nauseous and ice-water was flowing under her skin. She had no luggage to collect. No, that was on the plane with Arizona.

Fuck.

Tugging on the suitcase handle, Callie turned around and began walking. Anywhere. Away.

She had sat rigidly in the cab on the way home, her mind completely blank, on the edge of an abyss. She had automatically made her way up to the apartment door until she finally, abruptly realized that she didn’t live here anymore. There was a sub-letter in their apartment and she was homeless.

It hit her all too fast.

She was homeless. She was jobless. Arizona had left her. She had left her because Callie was that fucking worthless.

Less. Less. Less.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

He had found her broken and crying pitifully in the corridor. He had sat with her the rest of the night until she checked in at the Archfield the next day.

Mark knew.

Callie felt overtly tired. She carelessly flung herself onto her side, aiming for the pillow. Seeing Arizona for the first time had been amazing, but she had let it overwhelm her. Although the evening had been promising, she needed to take a moment to think. There were serious issues. She already had a ready made list of questions she had collated over the three months - memorized.

No, if Callie saw Arizona tomorrow, things needed to go a little more differently.

For the first time in three months, Callie’s sleep was dreamless.

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“Calliope!”

Callie looked up from her Caesar salad to see Arizona’s hopeful, dimpled beam directed at her, heading her way. Swallowing down a slice of tomato, she tried not to choke.

“Um…hey.”

Arizona’s eyes were fixed on her as she moved to take the seat across the table from her. Callie gave a nervous smile as she glanced around the cafeteria taking note of the discreet looks being thrown their way. Her eyes landed on Mark Sloan as he entered the room and spotted them instantaneously, eyebrows rising.

Arizona had barely sat down, when Callie stood up and leaned over the table.

“Look, can we take this elsewhere? I’m pretty sure everyone and their dog are listening to us.”

Arizona glimpsed around the room, catching the hidden interest, her lip curling in distaste.

“Let’s go.”

She stood up and began to walk out of the cafeteria, Callie trailing behind her. Looking over at Mark at the other side of the room, Callie grimaced as he tapped his head with his finger and mouthed ‘Think!’

“Shut. Up.” Callie hissed as she mouthed the words back.

Arizona heard the exclamation and turned around in confusion.

“Callie?”

Noticing where her ex-girlfriend’s attention had been drawn, she turned to look, spotting Mark whose hand immediately dropped, looking guiltily innocent. He had also been joined by Owen and Cristina, who had come in to drop off a lunch for her husband - presumably from her new line of work as bakery shop girl -, and was now blatantly and elatedly giving them the thumbs up.

“Oh my - Jesus!”

Callie pushed gently against her back, urging her forward.

“Just go. Keep going.”

Escaping the confines of social eating, Callie sighed in relief. Arizona kept turning around incredulously, as if expecting an entire crowd to follow them.

“I forgot your personal life was on display for all and sundry at this hospital.”

Arizona marched infuriated towards the nearest on call room and pushed the door open.

“Well, we’re practically the hot topic of the year behind the shooting and Cristina quitting,” Callie stated.

Callie followed Arizona into the room and shut the door behind her. She reached up to turn the lock, but hesitated and left it, turning back to face Arizona.

She didn’t need to lock the door. They weren’t together. It wasn’t like anything was going to happen.

It wasn’t like she was remembering the last time they had been in an on-call room together.

She definitely, for sure, wasn’t remembering how Arizona had pushed her up against the door even as she was locking it, lavishing her neck with kisses. It had been a few days after Callie had agreed to go to Africa with her and they were so deeply in love. They had fallen, fumbling, together onto the bed, Callie hovering over Arizona and pressing kisses to her face, lips and neck. She had slipped a hand under Arizona’s scrub top to palm a soft breast, smiling as she heard the reciprocal gasp. Moving her head, she had dragged her teeth over the pert nipple straining through Arizona’s bra and scrub top. They had both moaned at the sweet contact, so severely lacking. Not content to play, Arizona’s hands had wound into Callie’s sweeping hair, pushing her down softly, encouraging. Callie had smirked, pumped with ego and arousal, and leaned up to kiss her partner before sliding down, nuzzling a taut belly button and pushing down clothes over Arizona’s thighs. Callie could still hear the desperate, breathy exhalation of her name as she had leaned in and…

“So.”

Callie mentally shook off the memory she was definitely not remembering and strode over to the bed, taking a seat, and hoping that she was not blushing as furiously as she felt she might be. Arizona had sat carefully in a seat a distance away from Callie.

Arizona was watching her closely, looking at her like she was a cool glass of water in the desert.

“Stop it.”

“Huh?”

“You know what. Don’t look at me like that.”

Arizona cocked her head, lips pursed. She rolled her eyes away in annoyance before looking back at Callie.

“Fine.”

Arizona bit a carrot stick in two.

Callie placed her lunch on the bed beside her. Lifting her head back up to face Arizona, she gnawed her bottom lip briefly.

“Arizona, I was glad it went so well last night, but this can’t happen. I need to back off.”

Arizona sat up straight, placing the rest of her carrot back in her lunch container.

“Callie, what - ?”

She cut her off.

“Wait. Just let me speak for a minute. Just for a minute, okay?”

Arizona acquiesced, sitting back on the chair, and crossed her arms over her chest looking at Callie intently.

“I get it. I do. All that you said last night. I know that there were a lot of problems leading up to That Day. And, y’know, in hindsight, I am glad I ended up staying here. I am. I think it was the right decision to make me stay.”

Callie paused. Arizona remained silent. Looking warily at Arizona, Callie took a breath.

“I don’t want to fight with you, Arizona, but I’m confused and I’m,” she wanted to say ‘broken’, but she went with, “I’m hurt.”

“Because I don’t get it. I have spent endless nights trying to figure it out, but it still makes no sense to me. And I don’t want to fight, but I just don’t get it. My life is…was…” Callie sighed heavily, “is…yours and I feel so incredibly stupid that I ever thought that that was reciprocated in any way. I thought we were a partnership and your decisions affected me and my decisions affected you and that is why we needed to make decisions together.” She took a quick breath and looked up.

“Arizona, I was so proud of you, I could not have been prouder when you won the grant. But I looked into your eyes and I could see that you had already made the decision. Alone. And you said last night that I made you have to choose to leave me, I made you have to cause this situation on your own, being lonely in Africa, but Arizona, don’t blame that on me. I knew the second you came home that night to tell me the news you had won the grant that you had already chosen, alone. You chose that alone, Arizona. And there was not one goddamn thing I could do to stop it. I was drowning. You think you made that decision at the airport? Because you didn’t. You made it, by yourself, the minute you got the news you had won. And I was too weak with love to see that, so we lived in 6 weeks of denial until you decided to tell me that decision at the airport. In an airport with no luggage, no home and no job. In the same way that my husband left me. In the same way Erica left me. In the same way you had been there and seen my father and family leave me. And the only thing I can think of is ‘didn’t I tell you enough’? Why didn’t you know that you were everything to me? How did you ever think I wouldn’t just slowly die if you left me? Didn’t I show you, tell you enough, that I loved you? And, yet, the sneaking thought that keeps threatening to kill me dead on the spot is just…‘did you ever love me at all?’”

Callie’s gaze was intense and sad as she met Arizona’s eyes.

“Did you ever love me?”

Arizona could barely speak. Her face felt heavy and immovable.

“Callie, I love you, still.”

Callie blinked and swallowed softly. She shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. How could she ever believe it?

“We were going to have a family.”

“I want that, still.”

Callie shook her head, sadly.

“I needed it.”

And that was the difference.

And it had pushed them worlds apart.

Arizona stood up.

“Callie…I just…I feel…I’m so…there’s nothing I can say to make this better. Nothing. Only, that I am so, so sorry and that I am here.”

Callie gave a melancholy smile.

“Which makes it twice as hard to get over you.”

Arizona’s face cracked. Her eyes instantly filled with tears as she drew in a shuddering breath. Her hands rose up to cover her nose, drifting fingers onto her lips. She let out a soft burst of choking, staccato laughter, before biting her lips as stray tears began to wander down her face. Her voice was breaking in sorrow.

“I don’t want you to get over me ever.”

Callie didn’t look at her, only nodding her head slightly.

Sniffling and rubbing the tears away from her cheeks, Arizona steadied herself.

“Okay, Callie. You don’t need to worry. I’m backing off. Alright?”

She walked over to pick up her lunch, then back over to stand in front of her ex-girlfriend.

“Just…” she searched for words, “just, I’m here whenever you need me, okay? I’m here.”

Callie finally looked up at her, eyes sharp. For the third time in twenty-four hours, she asked the question most on her mind.

“Why are you here?”

Arizona paused.

And Arizona, always in control, took a risk.

Bending down, the palm of her hand slid gently onto Callie’s cheek. Her lips pressed against Callie’s, feather-light.

Savouring the softness and the fact Callie didn’t pull away, she just as quickly stepped back again.

“I think you know.”

And she walked out the room, but not before she had turned at the door and looked Callie directly in the eyes.

“I’m gonna fight for you, Calliope.”

Callie smiled the first real smile she had had in a long time.

“I know.”

Don’t go far off, not even for a day, my dearest.