february advent, day 3 for idolrapper; 1/2
title: look at the stars, look how they shine for you despite your terrible nsfw endeavours
rating: nc-17 (don't get your hopes up)
pairing(s): junhwe/donghyuk
word count: 9605
warning(s): language, mention of donghyuk engaging in terrible nsfw endeavours, frantic attempts at humor, terrific ooc-ness
a/n: this was the first of three working titles but i can't think of anything else that was sensible so destiny has decreed it to be this way and who am i, a human being, to question fate, what's a human to a mob &ct., honestly, crossposted to ao3
unbeta'd! i'll get up in the morning and fix any messes.
this is the third time? this is getting ridiculous?
yunhyeong says it’s bad grammar to end statements with question marks, but junhwe really isn’t sure of himself right now. he isn’t sure of anything. in fact, donghyuk’s manner of appearance has set junhwe off into a mood for questions.
junhwe has an eidetic memory - people are always surprised at this.
"it's because you're so loud and sure of yourself," jinhwan told him once. “people don’t expect you to really pay attention to anything.”
“but that’s not even relevant,” junhwe had protested. “it doesn’t make sense!”
jinhwan loses interest in these kinds of conversation fast - people are surprised at this, too, but junhwe has no explanation as to why. jinhwan’d switched the channels twice already, now hesitating to press for the next in the face of some girl group performance. “oh,” jinhwan said, half a minute too late, clearly dazzled by the screen, “yeah.”
well, junhwe thought ruefully, at least the girls were pretty; jinhwan had a legitimate reason to ignore him. it lessened the ego blow a bit.
“kid,” jinhwan resumed the conversation after the performance was over and junhwe had gone back to his history homework. “don’t worry. life doesn’t make sense.” and then he switched the channel again.
eidetic memory notwithstanding, it takes junhwe a few seconds of staring to realize the new kid standing at the front of the class seems somehow familiar. and even then, junhwe just turns back to his notebook and continues doodling. he’s busy shading in eyelashes when the homeroom teacher starts attendance, brain still clicking through all the faces he remembers seeing. he tries on different nose shapes, pen slipping a little, as one by one everyone present says, “present!” and the absent kids, well, don’t. his mind speeds up, faces flickering to a blur as it tries to settle on a result.
and then it slows, almost down to half time, like pages of a book quietly flapping to a stop - except it doesn’t stop. someone small, vaguely striking a chord somewhere, with glasses and very toothy.
“kim donghyuk!” the teacher calls out.
that’s it. it’s him. that’s the face that’s almost just the same as the one three seats across and two rows down from junhwe, just more grown up, just - junhwe looks up and twists in his seat a little to look at him better -
- “present,” kim donghyuk says, enunciation as soft and voice as nasal, as slightly clipped as it was all those years ago, back when they were in first grade, but his face is -
- just way more chiseled. just the glasses are gone now. just there’s a sleepy, lazy half-smirk as if he knows something the world doesn’t. just hotter.
“goo junhwe!”
oh, junhwe’s mind registers. the monosyllabic thought is replaced another one seconds later, when donghyuk looks at him through his bangs with absolutely zero recognition on his face. shit.
his deskmate jabs him in the elbow, and junhwe yells out a spluttering, “present!"
kim donghyuk has already looked away.
-
from: jiwon hyung ⚡
can u get me this book
to: jiwon hyung ⚡
why
from: jiwon hyung ⚡
i want 2 read it
to: jiwon hyung ⚡
why
from: jiwon hyung ⚡
so i can impress this person
to: jiwon hyung ⚡
why
from: jiwon hyung ⚡
so then i can have a chance
to score a date
u feel
to: jiwon hyung ⚡
why
from: jiwon hyung ⚡
you wouldn’t understand
btw the book is ‘horn’
it’s by moon insoo
to: jiwon hyung ⚡
why
from: jiwon hyung ⚡
i know life is hard
but i want you to remember:
it’s going to be okay
junhwe lets his head hit the wall, sighing.
-
“hello,” junhwe says to the entire library at large, fiddling with his snapback. “i’m looking for this book -”
“junhwe?” a small, wiry person approaches him, wearing a very yellow shirt and brown pants.
junhwe blanches. “er,” he says. “i’m looking for this book…”
donghyuk is standing in front of him, one hand holding onto his shoulder, as if he was in the middle of massaging himself or something. must be from lifting all those books. also. he looks extraordinarily happy, which makes junhwe extraordinarily uncomfortable.
“you should have it checked,” he says, nodding at donghyuk’s shoulder.
“what? no! it’s fine, it’s fine,” donghyuk hastily drops his hand. “i’m just. surprised. dude! it’s you!”
“yeah,” junhwe gives him a small smile. “i guess it is me.”
“goo junhwe, huh,” donghyuk rocks on the back of his heels. “i punched you in first grade!”
the smile is quick to kind of slide off. “yep. you punched me in first grade.”
“and now you’re looking for a book!”
where does donghyuk intend to go with this? “yes, i am.”
“well,” donghyuk scrunches his shoulders up with what junhwe can only guess is perhaps some form of glee, or awkwardness, or a mixture of both, “let’s hear the title, and i’ll help you look for it!”
to be safe, junhwe is going to go with awkwardness. “it’s, um.” he takes out his phone and frowns at it. “horn. by moon insoo.”
donghyuk whistles, and the girl at the counter raises her head to glare at him. he shrinks, she does an angry flappy thing with her hands and mouths words at him which are hard to lipread because she’s half a mile away, and then huffs and goes back to sorting through a bunch of cards.
donghyuk lets out a breath. “well,” he whispers, “this is where i show you the book.”
-
“you work here?” junhwe whispers, as donghyuk leads him to one lone shelf among a thousand others. “and how do you know which shelf holds the book without even, i don’t know, looking at a map or something?”
“because i work here,” donghyuk whispers back, and an old man gives them a disapproving glance. apparently their whispering is loud, too. “okay,” donghyuk mouths through a very exhale, and puts a finger to his lips.
huh. okay.
-
“here we are,” donghyuk says, after five failed guesses at shelves.
“i don’t believe you anymore,” junhwe whispers loudly, and donghyuk tries to muffle a laugh.
“no, really,” donghyuk says, going on tiptoe and pulling a book out. “see? horn, moon insoo.”
junhwe can see horn written on the spine, and grabs at it eagerly. “he owes me now.”
“who?”
junhwe looks up, blinking a little. “oh. this hyung. i’m getting the book for him.”
“have you read it already?” donghyuk looks impressed.
“well…” why is junhwe getting the sudden urge to lie and say yes? perhaps there is something to the urgency implied in jiwon’s tone of text. impressing donghyuk is top priority right now. impressing the kid who punched him in the face a decade ago.
“yes,” junhwe says, eventually. “it’s very good.” heaven help him. “i like most of his stuff.” if hell is there to help as well, he would appreciate that support too.
donghyuk looks very excited at this. “dude! what’s your favorite piece?”
piece? this guy a composer? who said anything about pieces - junhwe puts on a fond smile as he slowly opens the book, trying to buy time - oh dammit. these are poems.
“how can i, uh,” junhwe attempts, “how can i choose? i mean. like. there are so many.” god, he hopes there are so many. please let there be so many?
donghyuk’s nodding sympathetically, though, so junhwe must have said something right. “i know ,” he’s saying, “but i just found this piece, what was it, wait.” he takes out his phone, frowning in concentration, and junhwe stands less than a foot away, trying not to get a little slack jawed with awe or something.
“here,” donghyuk says, looking up eagerly, and junhwe at once snaps his head down to the book. “love, making a long distance phone call.”
“oh,” junhwe says, awkwardly, “yeah. that one!”
donghyuk clears his throat self-consciously before reading, “so it’s raining over there? it’s bright and sunny here. your sadness dries up little by little. i am slowly getting drenched.”
junhwe blinks with bowed head, waiting for more, then realizes it’s over and heaves a sigh. “yeah,” he says, feeling really gross about lying like this. “man.”
“he’s always so succinct!” donghyuk shakes his head, putting his phone back in. “well, anyway,” he says, “let’s check this out.”
-
jiwon’s tying his shoelaces on junhwe’s porch by the time he reaches home. “my brother,” jiwon straightens up, face solemn. “i believed in you, and indeed you have delivered.”
“yeah, yeah,” junhwe mumbles, “absolutely.” he hands the book over. “you owe me.”
“you got it,” jiwon grins, losing his sagely demeanor immediately. “ice cream?”
“much bigger favors,” junhwe warns, as jiwon starts walking away. “i broke my rule of eternal honesty for this!” he adds in a yell, and jiwon raises his hand in salute, probably deaf already.
-
“junhwe,” jinhwan says slowly. “do you know a guy by the name of song yunhyeong?”
junhwe glances at him sideways. “he’s like, my best friend. only he’s older.”
“best friends can be older,” jinhwan tells him. “like me. i’m older.”
“you’re tiny,” junhwe shrugs. “it doesn’t matter.”
jinhwan has a well inside him somewhere, with an infinite depth. it has patience in it. jinhwan draws from this well regularly. like right now - he’s exhaling noisily as junhwe grins. “listen,” jinhwan says. “you need to be introducing me to him very soon.”
“why,” junhwe downs the rest of his coffee.
“because,” jinhwan says. “he’s my type.”
oh.
“oh,” junhwe says.
“yes.”
“i guess i can do that,” junhwe says carefully, trying to sound as unaffected as possible. “wasn’t your sister going to let you throw a party?”
jinhwan blows at his bangs. “i dunno. she said maybe. maybe’s not a yes.”
“then make it a yes.”
“and?”
“and i’ll introduce hyung. it’s gonna be great. you’re going to - oh,” he looks down at his phone. b.a.p. begins to play badman as a reminder flashes over his screen.
!!!!!!! IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T STARTED ASTRO PROJ, BETTER START NOW !!!!!!! U LIL BITCH!!!!
“well,” jinhwan says, peering at it. “that’s disturbing.”
“haha,” junhwe tries for a straight face, but ends up looking embarrassed. “if i don’t verbally abuse myself, nothing will happen,” he tries to explain, but jinhwan just raises his brows and goes back to reading his book.
“you got issues, my little man.”
-
does he ever.
he'd been given three months to do his project, but of course he'd managed to procrastinate, forget, dawdle, delay and put off for two months. it had been his decision to take up Locating the Center of the Universe Using Globular Clusters , but there had been a few other options. junhwe doesn't even remember them until he's sitting primly behind the telescope, laptop open on the table next to him, and shivering in the cold winter air. being on the roof, in the winter, without a windbreaker, wasn't his brightest idea.
when he hears something moany and whispery float into his hearing, he considers being on the roof at all was perhaps the unbrightest idea of the century. junhwe has taken great care not to let anyone know of his fear of ghosts. the last thing he needs is some evil, luring hallucination to convince him to jump over the roof, like in that horror movie called APT that came out when he was in third grade. he needs that 3.7 GPA. it's why he took astronomy in the first place. chemistry had been whooping his ass for two years, and it would continue to do so forever. hanbin was sure of it, junhwe was sure of it.
the sound comes again, and junhwe decides he must face his fears. he is seventeen. fears need to be faced. GPAs need to be attained. junhwe is the just the guy to do both. pushing up the non-existent collar of his shirt and assuming a slightly neanderthal stance (back stooped, arms slightly away from the body, as if flexing downwards), he walks towards the noise.
and behold. there, on a bright, moonlit rug on the roof, are a pair of students. at first, junhwe thinks okay, they're doing astronomy projects too. then he remembers there's only one other kid in astronomy class. then he thinks, well that's okay as well, maybe he took another project. the Do Lunar Cycles Affect Mammalian Circadian Cycles? one.
junhwe is as wrong as he can get, and after a few seconds of horrified fascination, he knows it. that is not a circadian cycle, that is an impending orgasm. people are making out on the roof, getting some, and here junhwe is, trying to do an astronomy project. it's kind of saddening, but he takes it manfully and turns around, back to his telescope and notebook and laptop, and tries to find a globular cluster in the vast skies of the universe.
the people on the other side have big bang moments three more times; his entire leg jerks up and almost tips the telescope over when he hears a boy very, very clearly sob, 'oh, god, donghyuk .'
he tells himself he misheard, he tells himself this so very hard, but then, 'yes, donghyuk, please ,' followed by a delighted laugh which junhwe tries very hard, again, to not remember or recognize or find familiar. if junhwe tried this hard in chemistry he'd win a nobel prize in the formation of gluten strands. and yet.
donghyuk is having sex with a boy, on the same roof and at the same time as junhwe tries to do his homework.
kim donghyuk, the kid who punched junhwe when they were both five, one minute and then took punches for junhwe the next, the kid who broke his tooth on a crayon and started crying and spitting blood all over junhwe's shirt, the kid who got his foot caught in bubblegum and almost pooped his pants in fright. that kid, the one with glasses and dingy brown overalls, has evolved into a one night stander with marathon running stamina. and junhwe has now unavoidably seen his shoulders without anything covering them. that indisputably well-sculpted scapula, fucking glinting in the moonlight.
junhwe stares dully at that he thinks is maybe polaris, feeling every bit the neanderthal he had tried to look like.
-
as can be expected, junhwe does not bring this up to donghyuk, or jinhwan, anyone at all, for a whole five hours at school. it's during extra curric - swimming, to be precise, thank god donghyuk doesn't take that - that he takes a seat next to chanwoo, the extremely dedicated freshman who's taking astronomy for extra credit, to be very careful.
"be very careful," he tells chanwoo, who nods seriously as if expecting something else to follow those three words.
come to think of it, maybe something ought to follow those three words. but junhwe can't bring himself to say anything else. it's impossible for him to articulate. and anyway, what was he supposed to say?
there was this kid in the first grade back when me and the fam were reppin' in busan for a tick. he was a dweeb and i never figured out if we were homies or nah. i don't know why i remember him. now he is back in my life, having sex with boys whilst i, still not sure whether i like boys and/or girls, sit within twenty meters and try to look at the moon.
yeah, no. chanwoo is a freshman and junhwe has tact.
"that's all," junhwe says to chanwoo, who is still frowning and nodding seriously, expecting something else to follow. he claps chanwoo on the (chubby, unsculpted, useless in comparison to donghyuk's) shoulder and walks back to the lockers.
he hears snatches of conversation, as is expected, because everyone's always talking, and he doesn't really pay attention to any of them, as is expected, because they're none of his business. but then he hears, someone go, "oh my god. "
junhwe stops in his tracks, takes a deep breath, compartmentalizes the circumstances, and moves on with his life.
-
donghyuk sits next to him during lunch the next day, and they have this silent-and-amicable bros thing going on, until donghyuk whips out this cucumber and starts chewing on it. junhwe looks resolutely the other way, chomps viciously on his burger, bites his lip instead and screams.
-
he has three weeks left to finish his project, and the only time he has free in his excessively busy schedule of school, extra curric, the occasional partying and legend of zelda is tuesday nights. astronomy students are given passkeys to the school because most of their academia is viewable only at night, so that's a lucky coincidence.
another coincidence that has junhwe legitimately and involuntarily tearing up: surprise surprise, donghyuk at it again.
it's like the guy junhwe eats lunch with just... disappears. granted, he's not having sex this time. it's just him and, junhwe guesses, a date leaning over the balcony and talking. nobody is calling out to god in equal measurements of despair and fulfillment, everyone is dressed appropriately for the weather. junhwe has his windbreaker on him, donghyuk is wearing glasses that are steaming up and a purple sweater that he looks downright smoking in - thus probably causing the steaming glasses - and the other dude has a jacket on. junhwe can't see much of him because his back is turned.
junhwe decides to turn his back on them, too.
after all, he has star clusters to locate. donghyuk and his boyfriend can do whatever they like.
junhwe screws his mouth up to the side. boyfriend. now that's a word worth pondering over. he boots up his laptop, sticks the 4G adapter in so he can get google sky to work, and thinks aimlessly about boyfriend and all its implications.
donghyuk's laugh brings him rudely to the present, right as junhwe's beginning to imagine nice things like first dates and hand holding. which is probably for the betterment of society, because junhwe keeps these fantasies to himself as secretively as his fear of being haunted. some things are better off not shared.
his wallpaper of red velvet's joy (real name park sooyoung, birthday nineteen ninty six september third, position vocal, rapper, prettiest idol goo junhwe has ever laid eyes on, thighs like clouds hair like silk lips like a dream) beams up at him happily, and he feels a little more gruntled with his current situation. then the other guy laughs as well, and it's actually a really nice laugh, so junhwe feels disgruntled once more.
then the laugh turns breathy, and then there are other noises, and it's a good thing the wind starts getting all angry and cold because it raises a ruckus that conveniently covers up the sounds of sin the other sole inhabitants of the building are engaging in. junhwe's eyes start watering as they are wont to do when he feels uncomfortably turned on by goodness knows what, he still hasn't figured it out yet, and he convinces himself that it's the weather that's doing it and nothing else.
he almost believes himself.
-
an hour passes. the wind has died down, and people are still abstaining from coital activities, and his eyes are still irregularly tearing up. maybe he should drop his project and apply for a change in interests. his title should be Starry Night: What Affects the Visibility of Stars at Night? and the very first and only sentence in the entire thesis should say 'i'm literally crying right now' and that would be all.
-
"tell me what you are doing," jinhwan says, leaning over his shoulder. junhwe starts, and his schedule drifts gracefully to the floor.
"dude, warning?" he makes a grab for the paper. it goes up in his fingers before changing its mind and sighing back down.
jinhwan raises his eyebrows. "i just bumped into the doorway and yelled at it, jun. should i moonwalk next time?"
"you what?" junhwe turns around, now on all fours. "jesus, i didn't hear. i'm sorry."
"it's okay," jinhwan says amusedly, flopping down on the sofa. "what're you doing, man."
the paper's stuck obstinately to the tiling, and junhwe gives up. "i don't know," he says, heavy with sadness. he is referring to his crisis re: donghyuk being normal during school and then not being normal two tuesday nights in a row, but of course jinhwan can't know this because junhwe hasn't told him.
"looks like it." jinhwan unfolds himself over the entire length of the sofa, puts one leg over the other, and observes him, goo junhwe, acting like a frog out of its habitat.
"listen," junhwe promises. "one day i will explain. but right now, i am trying to figure many important things out."
"chill," jinhwan picks up the remote control and fiddles with it again. "you're coming to the party next month, kapeesh, no backing out."
the party's the day right after The Big Math test that he should be preparing for right about now, except he isn't because he's trying to fit another night on his schedule that isn't tuesday so he can avoid the weird anamolical form of donghyuk that seems to exist in that period of time each week. and he isn't even doing that because the schedule's practically refusing to be taken up by his hands. "i-"
"bros before hoes," jinhwan intones. "and i know for a fact you have no hoes."
"but i-"
"bros before hoes, in every reincarnation we live through," jinhwan stresses, and okay, junhwe has no memory of this part of the pact, but alright.
"alright," he says, voice cracking, and jinhwan smiles at him slowly and with pride before getting up and leaving the room.
junhwe sits by himself, tv on three o clock news, with a schedule that refuses to be taken up by his hands.
he takes a deep breath, because he is goo junhwe, and he can do this. he can always do this, whatever 'this' happens to be.
-
chemistry is a bitch.
“chemistry is a bitch,” junhwe whispers to jeongghuk. “pass it on.”
jeongguk raises his eyebrows at him before staring at the board like it holds all the answers in the world. sighing, junhwe returns to his notes. i heard that, hanbin has scrawled on the edge of the sheet.
well good for you, junhwe writes back, and watches the second hand on the clock tick fifteen seconds before he blinks.
“perhaps,” the teacher calls out, “goo junhwe can tell us about the quartz reaction that our perception of time is based off of.”
“i cannot,” junhwe calls back, and then, “may i go to the bathroom?”
-
junhwe’s already chosen his stall and sitting on the toilet when he sees, in the next stall, the unmistakable neon green pumps that chance would have belong to only one kid in the entire school, kim donghyuk. at nobody’s service, because he is currently also on the toilet.
junhwe starts panicking. he doesn’t know why, but he’s pretty sure that poetry enthusiast playboy kim donghyuk who frolicks by night is way too multifaceted a human for junhwe to hang out with. also his scapula. what a good scapula that guy has. junhwe is out of donghyuk’s league and still not sure if he, junhwe, is attracted to people at all. and anyway, these are complicated thoughts. way too complicated for things as mundane as sitting in the bathroom to avoid class.
neon green pumps owner clears their throat and starts speaking. junhwe’s suspicions are confirmed. that is donghyuk over there.
then he pays attention to what donghyuk’s saying. dude sounds really fucking distressed.
“i had most need of blessing,” donghyuk says, voice shaking, “and amen stuck in my throat.”
“i can say it for you,” junhwe offers, “if you’d like.”
the pumps fly up and land down again in alarm. junhwe can't really blame him, he seemed upset enough as it were.
"didn't know you were christian," junhwe adds, trying to make things less upsetting. he hopes donghyuk doesn't mind talking about religion.
"junhwe?" donghyuk sounds disbelieving. and then, "well, i-i'm not christian. actually."
"oh," junhwe nods, shifting a little on the seat. it's a very cold seat. he wishes there were seat warmers, then tells himself he doesn't because warm seats are creepy. "so, you're considering converting?"
"no," and now donghyuk sounds like he's about to laugh. this is a positive change, and junhwe is glad, but he doesn't understand what's funny. "i'm just," donghyuk says, "i'm reading this translation of a play. seeing if i can try out for the auditions in march."
"oh," junhwe says again, a little relieved. "i'm glad you weren't really that upset."
"yeah." junhwe can hear the smile in donghyuk's voice. "me too."
“well,” junhwe checks his watch. “should be going. chemistry’s probably done.”
“you were avoiding class?” donghyuk’s laughing again.
“i didn’t avoid it, i walked right out,” junhwe tells the pumps.
when he walks out of the bathroom, he sees donghyuk’s fingertips moving side to side over the stall door. it takes him a second to realize donghyuk’s waving at him.
“see you around,” junhwe waves back.
-
by seeing donghyuk around, junhwe had not meant seeing him like this again.
this is the third time? this is getting ridiculous?
yunhyeong says it’s bad grammar to end statements with question marks, but junhwe really isn’t sure of himself right now. he isn’t sure of anything. in fact, donghyuk’s manner of appearance has set junhwe off into a mood for questions.
why is donghyuk here? why is donghyuk always here? is this normal? how is this normal? will junhwe ever be able to finish his project in peace? does donghyuk get some every night or is it just tuesdays? if it’s just tuesdays, is god playing a cruel joke on him? is there god? why would god do something like this?
in the midst of all this, by some sick twist of the subconscious, junhwe hears donghyuk loudly in his head. i had the most of need blessing, and amen stuck in my throat.
junhwe should try out for that part, too. acting goes over better with experience, and junhwe now has said experience.
-
this time, donghyuk & co. are much closer to the spot junhwe usually uses - so close, in fact, that junhwe decides to relocate a good fifteen meters away. damn the younger generation and their libidinous pursuits of one another. junhwe has work to do.
he feels a little morose as he sets up his telescope and unfolds his chair. it’s only natural for the absolutely invisible and ignored and uninvited third wheel to feel some kind of negativity, especially when he’s trying his best to be as normal as possible under such electrically charged, strenuous circumstances.
“oh, yeah.”
another boy’s voice, junhwe notes. his mood gets glummer and glummer as he tries finding out other clusters and is unable to find them. he should’ve checked the weather before going. it’s cloudy . he can barely see the moon, even though he knows it should be full and really bright right now.
“bite me harder,” the boy says, and donghyuk’s happy laugh rings out again.
“i’m not a vampire,” donghyuk tells him, and junhwe is slightly relieved to find that donghyuk sounds exactly the same, just like he usually does. the sex doesn’t turn make his voice deepen into, junhwe doesn’t know, morgan freeman’s? he sounds normal. that’s good. kind of. again, junhwe doesn’t know.
“ugh, bite me,” the boy says again, and junhwe frowns in annoyance. dude had gotten his message across already. redundancy gets on junhwe’s nerves.
but then donghyuk probably does as he’s told (why is that an exciting thought) because Guy Who Likes Biting lets out a strangely provocative whine and junhwe is left blinking miserably at a sliver of the moon.
perhaps junhwe likes biting too. maybe he should’ve taken up Do Lunar Cycles Affect Human Behavior? instead of whatever globs he was pursuing right now.
junhwe gathers his things and leaves the roof moodily, banging the door behind him.
-
they’re covering the details of the sino-korean relations in history class this term.
while junhwe respects china, its past and its contributions to humanity at large, this is something he can’t be bothered about.
he tries to guilt himself into staying awake: he stayed up doing his reading for this very class and now it’s all going to waste! he’s going to die uneducated! he’s going to die alone! but all he can think about is the chocolate he’s going to find in the freezer when he goes home, he’s going to choose a spoon and a bowl very carefully, open the third drawer from the bottom and take the scoop, scoop ice cream into his bowl until it’s almost full, then he’ll dollop milk and caramel on it all, and eat it, and eat it, and finish the bowl, and repeat, and repeat, and rep -
“goo junhwe!”
“yes sir!” junhwe yells, standing up immediately. half asleep, disoriented and still thinking about ice cream, he squints at the woman writing something on the board. he gets the vague feeling he’s said something wrong.
“sit down and answer the question!”
junhwe sits down, feeling slightly dizzy. he has no idea what the question is. he was just beginning to have a spiritual experience about ice cream. what class is he in?
“the year was six sixty eight!” the person behind him calls out. it sounds odd and hoarse.
“very good, junhwe,” the teacher says after a pause, and the class goes on.
junhwe turns around to look at his savior.
kim donghyuk winks over his glasses, giving him a thumbs up. he puts his hand under his cheek and closes his eyes.
you bite people, junhwe thinks, staring at donghyuk’s diamond-cutting jaw.
“go back to sleep,” donghyuk whispers. “i got this.”
humans, junhwe ponders, lying his head back down on his desk. his ice cream experience resumes where he left off.
and so donghyuk saves his ass in history class.
-
“third time’s the charm,” junhwe encourages himself. “that’s all. he’s done banging boys.” he stares at his reflection with as much conviction as he can muster. “he’s done. you are going to go up there. you are going to calculate distances and identify clusters as best as you can. kick ass, man.”
he nods seriously at his mirror before leaving the house.
-
donghyuk really does seem to be done banging boys. the first thing junhwe sees when he opens the door is donghyuk, holding hands with someone. someone who has long hair and a high voice and what looks suspiciously like boobs.
something in him dies.
this night, the potential title that junhwe could have picked up instead is Geography, Latitude and the North Star: Where Am I?
honestly. where is he? hell, purgatory or a rooftop? one of those options is not like the other.
all fighting spirit quashed out of junhwe, he dully resigns himself to staring at the sky through his telescope and ignoring the girl’s tinkling laughter.
-
“and last night i found out he’s bisexual,” junhwe gripes to hanbin. “can you believe this?”
“i dunno,” hanbin blinks, bleary. “it’s ass o’ clock in the morning and i’m stuck with you as a chemistry lab partner. this is probably one of those impossible things i have to believe before breakfast.”
junhwe ignores him.
“or is this, like, a trick question? because he could be pan? i think?”
junhwe keeps ignoring him, but hanbin decides he won’t just stop there.
“you’ve been hallucinating,” he goes on to postulate. “all these chemicals you breathe in the lab with me are driving you insane.”
“no,” junhwe says, waving his test tube around violently. “i’ve seen things up there that i haven’t seen before! you can’t hallucinate what you don’t know!”
“you,” hanbin points at him delicately, with a gloved finger, “just have basic taste in hentai.”
“i do not. and,” he adds, with rightful indignance, “why aren’t you crazy too?”
“i don’t need chemicals to do that,” hanbin sniffs dismissively. “i’m on the honor roll. the pressure is enough.”
“you,” junhwe points with the test tube, which is now steaming and the color of snot. “i am teaching you a lesson.”
“you,” hanbin retaliates, turning a little pink in the ears, “are a sneaky kind of perverted voyeur person.”
junhwe’s so shocked, he has nothing to say.
-
"listen up folks," junhwe announces the next tuesday night, when hanbin picks up. "you and i, we are going places."
"yes," hanbin says, which is surprisingly acquiescent for two thirty seven a.m. "i'm going to seoul national for chemistry, and you are going to beg in the streets."
ah, there it was. kim hanbin to boot.
"yeah, but first," junhwe looks wildly out his window as if donghyuk would be prancing on the moon with a jingly belled pony or something, "first you are going to believe me because i will drag you there."
"wait, wait," hanbin's beginning to sound alarmed as well as half-asleep, which isn't a good thing. he took out two able bodied adults the last time he sounded like that, and those were his parents waking him up at midnight for his birthday. "what the hell are you talking about."
"we are absconding," junhwe says, with patience. "to the roof, wherein you will see donghyuk."
"oh," hanbin sighs, and junhwe can hear things rustling and moving about. "whereupon, i think? because it's on the roof, not in the roof. but," he adds, and something loud falls in the background, "i don’t actually know."
"stick to chemistry," junhwe advises, and hangs up. he's not sure why he's fixated on this. maybe god planted the urge in his head so everyone in the netherworlds can have a good laugh. he's getting the heebie jeebies about this if he's being honest with himself. suppose, suppose, that the one night junhwe tries to get a witness on the stand, that very night...
-
that very night, donghyuk does not show up. "i mean," junhwe laughs with an excess of mirthlessness, "i mean, really. i should have seen this coming."
hanbin isn't talking to him. at least, not directly. he's just standing there, shivering in his oversized coat and staring at his shoes, muttering the periodic table. "it calms me down," he snaps, catching junhwe staring. "something you aren't helping with."
"this should have been seen coming," junhwe says, turning his face to the moon, "by me."
-
junhwe finds out that he hates math. he knows this already, but sometimes… sometimes things just take the cake.
the entire night lies behind junhwe in surreal clarity; he stayed up until two, organizing his data for clusters and studying for his math test, then he called hanbin, then they took an hour to get there, then donghyuk wasn't there, then they went home after waiting for fifteen minutes, then junhwe stayed up staring out the window because he couldn't sleep, then he tried studying again, and now he's in the classroom, math test in front of him, with the knowledge that he is going to fail this thing resting on his shoulders like a crushing, gentle weight. maybe crushing and gentle don't together. that's okay. it's all okay. everything's okay, because he doesn't know anything on this test so life pales in comparison.
junhwe finds out that he hates math, that he can’t do integration even though he managed to do at least twenty practice questions less than seven hours ago, that he has never hated anything more than donghyuk beaming as he hands in his paper first and walks out of the room, hands in his pockets, whistling.
-
"hey," jinhwan jogs up behind him. junhwe feels spiteful, so he walks faster. "hey," jinhwan protests, and grabs his arm. their momentum is probably 5a minus 7b in different directions or something, junhwe doesn't know, he just failed the math test, and, yeah, they fall down. it's nasty.
"dude," someone says in passing. "didn't know you were a klutz."
"right, thanks," junhwe wheezes. so now, in addition to be a sneaky perverted kind of voyeur with an unfortunately eidetic memory that has started providing all sorts of vivid, inappropriate images about his current classmate and former rival at all the wrong times, junhwe is a klutz. even though it was jinhwan's fault.
"it was your fault," junhwe says to jinhwan's stomach, both of them still lying on the floor. it's a testament to how extraordinarily fast on their feet everyone thinks, that the two of them don't even cause a hold up in the hallway; people just form separate streams, part in front of the lump that is junhwe and jinhwan, and join together after.
"we're moses," jinhwan says, and junhwe kind of agrees. someone running past them accidentally kicks jinhwan's ass right then, and they get up fast after that. "like i was saying," jinhwan wriggles his shoulders and stretches. nobody has a problem with him trying to take up more space, junhwe notes. probably because he's tiny as it is. advantageous. "i shall be seeing you at the venue tonight. do not forget."
"there's no need to be so formal." honestly though, junhwe has a pretty good idea about whether he's going or not. after the test results, his mother will probably ground him for a week, and then his father will ground him for a month, and if he's lucky they won't confiscate his phone. and he definitely won't be allowed out for anything other than groceries after six o clock.
"just sayin'," jinhwan gives him an exaggerated wink and finger guns his way out to his next class. the other students trickle out with him. suddenly very alone, junhwe sighs and stares down at the raging F that glares at him from the bit of paper that peeks out of his satchel. why did this happen to him again?
as is generally known, thinking of the devil causes the devil to arrive.
"junhwe!" a voice calls out.
"not today," junhwe whispers, and traipses the fuck out of there before donghyuk can do anything else.
part ii
rating: nc-17 (don't get your hopes up)
pairing(s): junhwe/donghyuk
word count: 9605
warning(s): language, mention of donghyuk engaging in terrible nsfw endeavours, frantic attempts at humor, terrific ooc-ness
a/n: this was the first of three working titles but i can't think of anything else that was sensible so destiny has decreed it to be this way and who am i, a human being, to question fate, what's a human to a mob &ct., honestly, crossposted to ao3
unbeta'd! i'll get up in the morning and fix any messes.
this is the third time? this is getting ridiculous?
yunhyeong says it’s bad grammar to end statements with question marks, but junhwe really isn’t sure of himself right now. he isn’t sure of anything. in fact, donghyuk’s manner of appearance has set junhwe off into a mood for questions.
junhwe has an eidetic memory - people are always surprised at this.
"it's because you're so loud and sure of yourself," jinhwan told him once. “people don’t expect you to really pay attention to anything.”
“but that’s not even relevant,” junhwe had protested. “it doesn’t make sense!”
jinhwan loses interest in these kinds of conversation fast - people are surprised at this, too, but junhwe has no explanation as to why. jinhwan’d switched the channels twice already, now hesitating to press for the next in the face of some girl group performance. “oh,” jinhwan said, half a minute too late, clearly dazzled by the screen, “yeah.”
well, junhwe thought ruefully, at least the girls were pretty; jinhwan had a legitimate reason to ignore him. it lessened the ego blow a bit.
“kid,” jinhwan resumed the conversation after the performance was over and junhwe had gone back to his history homework. “don’t worry. life doesn’t make sense.” and then he switched the channel again.
eidetic memory notwithstanding, it takes junhwe a few seconds of staring to realize the new kid standing at the front of the class seems somehow familiar. and even then, junhwe just turns back to his notebook and continues doodling. he’s busy shading in eyelashes when the homeroom teacher starts attendance, brain still clicking through all the faces he remembers seeing. he tries on different nose shapes, pen slipping a little, as one by one everyone present says, “present!” and the absent kids, well, don’t. his mind speeds up, faces flickering to a blur as it tries to settle on a result.
and then it slows, almost down to half time, like pages of a book quietly flapping to a stop - except it doesn’t stop. someone small, vaguely striking a chord somewhere, with glasses and very toothy.
“kim donghyuk!” the teacher calls out.
that’s it. it’s him. that’s the face that’s almost just the same as the one three seats across and two rows down from junhwe, just more grown up, just - junhwe looks up and twists in his seat a little to look at him better -
- “present,” kim donghyuk says, enunciation as soft and voice as nasal, as slightly clipped as it was all those years ago, back when they were in first grade, but his face is -
- just way more chiseled. just the glasses are gone now. just there’s a sleepy, lazy half-smirk as if he knows something the world doesn’t. just hotter.
“goo junhwe!”
oh, junhwe’s mind registers. the monosyllabic thought is replaced another one seconds later, when donghyuk looks at him through his bangs with absolutely zero recognition on his face. shit.
his deskmate jabs him in the elbow, and junhwe yells out a spluttering, “present!"
kim donghyuk has already looked away.
-
from: jiwon hyung ⚡
can u get me this book
to: jiwon hyung ⚡
why
from: jiwon hyung ⚡
i want 2 read it
to: jiwon hyung ⚡
why
from: jiwon hyung ⚡
so i can impress this person
to: jiwon hyung ⚡
why
from: jiwon hyung ⚡
so then i can have a chance
to score a date
u feel
to: jiwon hyung ⚡
why
from: jiwon hyung ⚡
you wouldn’t understand
btw the book is ‘horn’
it’s by moon insoo
to: jiwon hyung ⚡
why
from: jiwon hyung ⚡
i know life is hard
but i want you to remember:
it’s going to be okay
junhwe lets his head hit the wall, sighing.
-
“hello,” junhwe says to the entire library at large, fiddling with his snapback. “i’m looking for this book -”
“junhwe?” a small, wiry person approaches him, wearing a very yellow shirt and brown pants.
junhwe blanches. “er,” he says. “i’m looking for this book…”
donghyuk is standing in front of him, one hand holding onto his shoulder, as if he was in the middle of massaging himself or something. must be from lifting all those books. also. he looks extraordinarily happy, which makes junhwe extraordinarily uncomfortable.
“you should have it checked,” he says, nodding at donghyuk’s shoulder.
“what? no! it’s fine, it’s fine,” donghyuk hastily drops his hand. “i’m just. surprised. dude! it’s you!”
“yeah,” junhwe gives him a small smile. “i guess it is me.”
“goo junhwe, huh,” donghyuk rocks on the back of his heels. “i punched you in first grade!”
the smile is quick to kind of slide off. “yep. you punched me in first grade.”
“and now you’re looking for a book!”
where does donghyuk intend to go with this? “yes, i am.”
“well,” donghyuk scrunches his shoulders up with what junhwe can only guess is perhaps some form of glee, or awkwardness, or a mixture of both, “let’s hear the title, and i’ll help you look for it!”
to be safe, junhwe is going to go with awkwardness. “it’s, um.” he takes out his phone and frowns at it. “horn. by moon insoo.”
donghyuk whistles, and the girl at the counter raises her head to glare at him. he shrinks, she does an angry flappy thing with her hands and mouths words at him which are hard to lipread because she’s half a mile away, and then huffs and goes back to sorting through a bunch of cards.
donghyuk lets out a breath. “well,” he whispers, “this is where i show you the book.”
-
“you work here?” junhwe whispers, as donghyuk leads him to one lone shelf among a thousand others. “and how do you know which shelf holds the book without even, i don’t know, looking at a map or something?”
“because i work here,” donghyuk whispers back, and an old man gives them a disapproving glance. apparently their whispering is loud, too. “okay,” donghyuk mouths through a very exhale, and puts a finger to his lips.
huh. okay.
-
“here we are,” donghyuk says, after five failed guesses at shelves.
“i don’t believe you anymore,” junhwe whispers loudly, and donghyuk tries to muffle a laugh.
“no, really,” donghyuk says, going on tiptoe and pulling a book out. “see? horn, moon insoo.”
junhwe can see horn written on the spine, and grabs at it eagerly. “he owes me now.”
“who?”
junhwe looks up, blinking a little. “oh. this hyung. i’m getting the book for him.”
“have you read it already?” donghyuk looks impressed.
“well…” why is junhwe getting the sudden urge to lie and say yes? perhaps there is something to the urgency implied in jiwon’s tone of text. impressing donghyuk is top priority right now. impressing the kid who punched him in the face a decade ago.
“yes,” junhwe says, eventually. “it’s very good.” heaven help him. “i like most of his stuff.” if hell is there to help as well, he would appreciate that support too.
donghyuk looks very excited at this. “dude! what’s your favorite piece?”
piece? this guy a composer? who said anything about pieces - junhwe puts on a fond smile as he slowly opens the book, trying to buy time - oh dammit. these are poems.
“how can i, uh,” junhwe attempts, “how can i choose? i mean. like. there are so many.” god, he hopes there are so many. please let there be so many?
donghyuk’s nodding sympathetically, though, so junhwe must have said something right. “i know ,” he’s saying, “but i just found this piece, what was it, wait.” he takes out his phone, frowning in concentration, and junhwe stands less than a foot away, trying not to get a little slack jawed with awe or something.
“here,” donghyuk says, looking up eagerly, and junhwe at once snaps his head down to the book. “love, making a long distance phone call.”
“oh,” junhwe says, awkwardly, “yeah. that one!”
donghyuk clears his throat self-consciously before reading, “so it’s raining over there? it’s bright and sunny here. your sadness dries up little by little. i am slowly getting drenched.”
junhwe blinks with bowed head, waiting for more, then realizes it’s over and heaves a sigh. “yeah,” he says, feeling really gross about lying like this. “man.”
“he’s always so succinct!” donghyuk shakes his head, putting his phone back in. “well, anyway,” he says, “let’s check this out.”
-
jiwon’s tying his shoelaces on junhwe’s porch by the time he reaches home. “my brother,” jiwon straightens up, face solemn. “i believed in you, and indeed you have delivered.”
“yeah, yeah,” junhwe mumbles, “absolutely.” he hands the book over. “you owe me.”
“you got it,” jiwon grins, losing his sagely demeanor immediately. “ice cream?”
“much bigger favors,” junhwe warns, as jiwon starts walking away. “i broke my rule of eternal honesty for this!” he adds in a yell, and jiwon raises his hand in salute, probably deaf already.
-
“junhwe,” jinhwan says slowly. “do you know a guy by the name of song yunhyeong?”
junhwe glances at him sideways. “he’s like, my best friend. only he’s older.”
“best friends can be older,” jinhwan tells him. “like me. i’m older.”
“you’re tiny,” junhwe shrugs. “it doesn’t matter.”
jinhwan has a well inside him somewhere, with an infinite depth. it has patience in it. jinhwan draws from this well regularly. like right now - he’s exhaling noisily as junhwe grins. “listen,” jinhwan says. “you need to be introducing me to him very soon.”
“why,” junhwe downs the rest of his coffee.
“because,” jinhwan says. “he’s my type.”
oh.
“oh,” junhwe says.
“yes.”
“i guess i can do that,” junhwe says carefully, trying to sound as unaffected as possible. “wasn’t your sister going to let you throw a party?”
jinhwan blows at his bangs. “i dunno. she said maybe. maybe’s not a yes.”
“then make it a yes.”
“and?”
“and i’ll introduce hyung. it’s gonna be great. you’re going to - oh,” he looks down at his phone. b.a.p. begins to play badman as a reminder flashes over his screen.
!!!!!!! IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T STARTED ASTRO PROJ, BETTER START NOW !!!!!!! U LIL BITCH!!!!
“well,” jinhwan says, peering at it. “that’s disturbing.”
“haha,” junhwe tries for a straight face, but ends up looking embarrassed. “if i don’t verbally abuse myself, nothing will happen,” he tries to explain, but jinhwan just raises his brows and goes back to reading his book.
“you got issues, my little man.”
-
does he ever.
he'd been given three months to do his project, but of course he'd managed to procrastinate, forget, dawdle, delay and put off for two months. it had been his decision to take up Locating the Center of the Universe Using Globular Clusters , but there had been a few other options. junhwe doesn't even remember them until he's sitting primly behind the telescope, laptop open on the table next to him, and shivering in the cold winter air. being on the roof, in the winter, without a windbreaker, wasn't his brightest idea.
when he hears something moany and whispery float into his hearing, he considers being on the roof at all was perhaps the unbrightest idea of the century. junhwe has taken great care not to let anyone know of his fear of ghosts. the last thing he needs is some evil, luring hallucination to convince him to jump over the roof, like in that horror movie called APT that came out when he was in third grade. he needs that 3.7 GPA. it's why he took astronomy in the first place. chemistry had been whooping his ass for two years, and it would continue to do so forever. hanbin was sure of it, junhwe was sure of it.
the sound comes again, and junhwe decides he must face his fears. he is seventeen. fears need to be faced. GPAs need to be attained. junhwe is the just the guy to do both. pushing up the non-existent collar of his shirt and assuming a slightly neanderthal stance (back stooped, arms slightly away from the body, as if flexing downwards), he walks towards the noise.
and behold. there, on a bright, moonlit rug on the roof, are a pair of students. at first, junhwe thinks okay, they're doing astronomy projects too. then he remembers there's only one other kid in astronomy class. then he thinks, well that's okay as well, maybe he took another project. the Do Lunar Cycles Affect Mammalian Circadian Cycles? one.
junhwe is as wrong as he can get, and after a few seconds of horrified fascination, he knows it. that is not a circadian cycle, that is an impending orgasm. people are making out on the roof, getting some, and here junhwe is, trying to do an astronomy project. it's kind of saddening, but he takes it manfully and turns around, back to his telescope and notebook and laptop, and tries to find a globular cluster in the vast skies of the universe.
the people on the other side have big bang moments three more times; his entire leg jerks up and almost tips the telescope over when he hears a boy very, very clearly sob, 'oh, god, donghyuk .'
he tells himself he misheard, he tells himself this so very hard, but then, 'yes, donghyuk, please ,' followed by a delighted laugh which junhwe tries very hard, again, to not remember or recognize or find familiar. if junhwe tried this hard in chemistry he'd win a nobel prize in the formation of gluten strands. and yet.
donghyuk is having sex with a boy, on the same roof and at the same time as junhwe tries to do his homework.
kim donghyuk, the kid who punched junhwe when they were both five, one minute and then took punches for junhwe the next, the kid who broke his tooth on a crayon and started crying and spitting blood all over junhwe's shirt, the kid who got his foot caught in bubblegum and almost pooped his pants in fright. that kid, the one with glasses and dingy brown overalls, has evolved into a one night stander with marathon running stamina. and junhwe has now unavoidably seen his shoulders without anything covering them. that indisputably well-sculpted scapula, fucking glinting in the moonlight.
junhwe stares dully at that he thinks is maybe polaris, feeling every bit the neanderthal he had tried to look like.
-
as can be expected, junhwe does not bring this up to donghyuk, or jinhwan, anyone at all, for a whole five hours at school. it's during extra curric - swimming, to be precise, thank god donghyuk doesn't take that - that he takes a seat next to chanwoo, the extremely dedicated freshman who's taking astronomy for extra credit, to be very careful.
"be very careful," he tells chanwoo, who nods seriously as if expecting something else to follow those three words.
come to think of it, maybe something ought to follow those three words. but junhwe can't bring himself to say anything else. it's impossible for him to articulate. and anyway, what was he supposed to say?
there was this kid in the first grade back when me and the fam were reppin' in busan for a tick. he was a dweeb and i never figured out if we were homies or nah. i don't know why i remember him. now he is back in my life, having sex with boys whilst i, still not sure whether i like boys and/or girls, sit within twenty meters and try to look at the moon.
yeah, no. chanwoo is a freshman and junhwe has tact.
"that's all," junhwe says to chanwoo, who is still frowning and nodding seriously, expecting something else to follow. he claps chanwoo on the (chubby, unsculpted, useless in comparison to donghyuk's) shoulder and walks back to the lockers.
he hears snatches of conversation, as is expected, because everyone's always talking, and he doesn't really pay attention to any of them, as is expected, because they're none of his business. but then he hears, someone go, "oh my god. "
junhwe stops in his tracks, takes a deep breath, compartmentalizes the circumstances, and moves on with his life.
-
donghyuk sits next to him during lunch the next day, and they have this silent-and-amicable bros thing going on, until donghyuk whips out this cucumber and starts chewing on it. junhwe looks resolutely the other way, chomps viciously on his burger, bites his lip instead and screams.
-
he has three weeks left to finish his project, and the only time he has free in his excessively busy schedule of school, extra curric, the occasional partying and legend of zelda is tuesday nights. astronomy students are given passkeys to the school because most of their academia is viewable only at night, so that's a lucky coincidence.
another coincidence that has junhwe legitimately and involuntarily tearing up: surprise surprise, donghyuk at it again.
it's like the guy junhwe eats lunch with just... disappears. granted, he's not having sex this time. it's just him and, junhwe guesses, a date leaning over the balcony and talking. nobody is calling out to god in equal measurements of despair and fulfillment, everyone is dressed appropriately for the weather. junhwe has his windbreaker on him, donghyuk is wearing glasses that are steaming up and a purple sweater that he looks downright smoking in - thus probably causing the steaming glasses - and the other dude has a jacket on. junhwe can't see much of him because his back is turned.
junhwe decides to turn his back on them, too.
after all, he has star clusters to locate. donghyuk and his boyfriend can do whatever they like.
junhwe screws his mouth up to the side. boyfriend. now that's a word worth pondering over. he boots up his laptop, sticks the 4G adapter in so he can get google sky to work, and thinks aimlessly about boyfriend and all its implications.
donghyuk's laugh brings him rudely to the present, right as junhwe's beginning to imagine nice things like first dates and hand holding. which is probably for the betterment of society, because junhwe keeps these fantasies to himself as secretively as his fear of being haunted. some things are better off not shared.
his wallpaper of red velvet's joy (real name park sooyoung, birthday nineteen ninty six september third, position vocal, rapper, prettiest idol goo junhwe has ever laid eyes on, thighs like clouds hair like silk lips like a dream) beams up at him happily, and he feels a little more gruntled with his current situation. then the other guy laughs as well, and it's actually a really nice laugh, so junhwe feels disgruntled once more.
then the laugh turns breathy, and then there are other noises, and it's a good thing the wind starts getting all angry and cold because it raises a ruckus that conveniently covers up the sounds of sin the other sole inhabitants of the building are engaging in. junhwe's eyes start watering as they are wont to do when he feels uncomfortably turned on by goodness knows what, he still hasn't figured it out yet, and he convinces himself that it's the weather that's doing it and nothing else.
he almost believes himself.
-
an hour passes. the wind has died down, and people are still abstaining from coital activities, and his eyes are still irregularly tearing up. maybe he should drop his project and apply for a change in interests. his title should be Starry Night: What Affects the Visibility of Stars at Night? and the very first and only sentence in the entire thesis should say 'i'm literally crying right now' and that would be all.
-
"tell me what you are doing," jinhwan says, leaning over his shoulder. junhwe starts, and his schedule drifts gracefully to the floor.
"dude, warning?" he makes a grab for the paper. it goes up in his fingers before changing its mind and sighing back down.
jinhwan raises his eyebrows. "i just bumped into the doorway and yelled at it, jun. should i moonwalk next time?"
"you what?" junhwe turns around, now on all fours. "jesus, i didn't hear. i'm sorry."
"it's okay," jinhwan says amusedly, flopping down on the sofa. "what're you doing, man."
the paper's stuck obstinately to the tiling, and junhwe gives up. "i don't know," he says, heavy with sadness. he is referring to his crisis re: donghyuk being normal during school and then not being normal two tuesday nights in a row, but of course jinhwan can't know this because junhwe hasn't told him.
"looks like it." jinhwan unfolds himself over the entire length of the sofa, puts one leg over the other, and observes him, goo junhwe, acting like a frog out of its habitat.
"listen," junhwe promises. "one day i will explain. but right now, i am trying to figure many important things out."
"chill," jinhwan picks up the remote control and fiddles with it again. "you're coming to the party next month, kapeesh, no backing out."
the party's the day right after The Big Math test that he should be preparing for right about now, except he isn't because he's trying to fit another night on his schedule that isn't tuesday so he can avoid the weird anamolical form of donghyuk that seems to exist in that period of time each week. and he isn't even doing that because the schedule's practically refusing to be taken up by his hands. "i-"
"bros before hoes," jinhwan intones. "and i know for a fact you have no hoes."
"but i-"
"bros before hoes, in every reincarnation we live through," jinhwan stresses, and okay, junhwe has no memory of this part of the pact, but alright.
"alright," he says, voice cracking, and jinhwan smiles at him slowly and with pride before getting up and leaving the room.
junhwe sits by himself, tv on three o clock news, with a schedule that refuses to be taken up by his hands.
he takes a deep breath, because he is goo junhwe, and he can do this. he can always do this, whatever 'this' happens to be.
-
chemistry is a bitch.
“chemistry is a bitch,” junhwe whispers to jeongghuk. “pass it on.”
jeongguk raises his eyebrows at him before staring at the board like it holds all the answers in the world. sighing, junhwe returns to his notes. i heard that, hanbin has scrawled on the edge of the sheet.
well good for you, junhwe writes back, and watches the second hand on the clock tick fifteen seconds before he blinks.
“perhaps,” the teacher calls out, “goo junhwe can tell us about the quartz reaction that our perception of time is based off of.”
“i cannot,” junhwe calls back, and then, “may i go to the bathroom?”
-
junhwe’s already chosen his stall and sitting on the toilet when he sees, in the next stall, the unmistakable neon green pumps that chance would have belong to only one kid in the entire school, kim donghyuk. at nobody’s service, because he is currently also on the toilet.
junhwe starts panicking. he doesn’t know why, but he’s pretty sure that poetry enthusiast playboy kim donghyuk who frolicks by night is way too multifaceted a human for junhwe to hang out with. also his scapula. what a good scapula that guy has. junhwe is out of donghyuk’s league and still not sure if he, junhwe, is attracted to people at all. and anyway, these are complicated thoughts. way too complicated for things as mundane as sitting in the bathroom to avoid class.
neon green pumps owner clears their throat and starts speaking. junhwe’s suspicions are confirmed. that is donghyuk over there.
then he pays attention to what donghyuk’s saying. dude sounds really fucking distressed.
“i had most need of blessing,” donghyuk says, voice shaking, “and amen stuck in my throat.”
“i can say it for you,” junhwe offers, “if you’d like.”
the pumps fly up and land down again in alarm. junhwe can't really blame him, he seemed upset enough as it were.
"didn't know you were christian," junhwe adds, trying to make things less upsetting. he hopes donghyuk doesn't mind talking about religion.
"junhwe?" donghyuk sounds disbelieving. and then, "well, i-i'm not christian. actually."
"oh," junhwe nods, shifting a little on the seat. it's a very cold seat. he wishes there were seat warmers, then tells himself he doesn't because warm seats are creepy. "so, you're considering converting?"
"no," and now donghyuk sounds like he's about to laugh. this is a positive change, and junhwe is glad, but he doesn't understand what's funny. "i'm just," donghyuk says, "i'm reading this translation of a play. seeing if i can try out for the auditions in march."
"oh," junhwe says again, a little relieved. "i'm glad you weren't really that upset."
"yeah." junhwe can hear the smile in donghyuk's voice. "me too."
“well,” junhwe checks his watch. “should be going. chemistry’s probably done.”
“you were avoiding class?” donghyuk’s laughing again.
“i didn’t avoid it, i walked right out,” junhwe tells the pumps.
when he walks out of the bathroom, he sees donghyuk’s fingertips moving side to side over the stall door. it takes him a second to realize donghyuk’s waving at him.
“see you around,” junhwe waves back.
-
by seeing donghyuk around, junhwe had not meant seeing him like this again.
this is the third time? this is getting ridiculous?
yunhyeong says it’s bad grammar to end statements with question marks, but junhwe really isn’t sure of himself right now. he isn’t sure of anything. in fact, donghyuk’s manner of appearance has set junhwe off into a mood for questions.
why is donghyuk here? why is donghyuk always here? is this normal? how is this normal? will junhwe ever be able to finish his project in peace? does donghyuk get some every night or is it just tuesdays? if it’s just tuesdays, is god playing a cruel joke on him? is there god? why would god do something like this?
in the midst of all this, by some sick twist of the subconscious, junhwe hears donghyuk loudly in his head. i had the most of need blessing, and amen stuck in my throat.
junhwe should try out for that part, too. acting goes over better with experience, and junhwe now has said experience.
-
this time, donghyuk & co. are much closer to the spot junhwe usually uses - so close, in fact, that junhwe decides to relocate a good fifteen meters away. damn the younger generation and their libidinous pursuits of one another. junhwe has work to do.
he feels a little morose as he sets up his telescope and unfolds his chair. it’s only natural for the absolutely invisible and ignored and uninvited third wheel to feel some kind of negativity, especially when he’s trying his best to be as normal as possible under such electrically charged, strenuous circumstances.
“oh, yeah.”
another boy’s voice, junhwe notes. his mood gets glummer and glummer as he tries finding out other clusters and is unable to find them. he should’ve checked the weather before going. it’s cloudy . he can barely see the moon, even though he knows it should be full and really bright right now.
“bite me harder,” the boy says, and donghyuk’s happy laugh rings out again.
“i’m not a vampire,” donghyuk tells him, and junhwe is slightly relieved to find that donghyuk sounds exactly the same, just like he usually does. the sex doesn’t turn make his voice deepen into, junhwe doesn’t know, morgan freeman’s? he sounds normal. that’s good. kind of. again, junhwe doesn’t know.
“ugh, bite me,” the boy says again, and junhwe frowns in annoyance. dude had gotten his message across already. redundancy gets on junhwe’s nerves.
but then donghyuk probably does as he’s told (why is that an exciting thought) because Guy Who Likes Biting lets out a strangely provocative whine and junhwe is left blinking miserably at a sliver of the moon.
perhaps junhwe likes biting too. maybe he should’ve taken up Do Lunar Cycles Affect Human Behavior? instead of whatever globs he was pursuing right now.
junhwe gathers his things and leaves the roof moodily, banging the door behind him.
-
they’re covering the details of the sino-korean relations in history class this term.
while junhwe respects china, its past and its contributions to humanity at large, this is something he can’t be bothered about.
he tries to guilt himself into staying awake: he stayed up doing his reading for this very class and now it’s all going to waste! he’s going to die uneducated! he’s going to die alone! but all he can think about is the chocolate he’s going to find in the freezer when he goes home, he’s going to choose a spoon and a bowl very carefully, open the third drawer from the bottom and take the scoop, scoop ice cream into his bowl until it’s almost full, then he’ll dollop milk and caramel on it all, and eat it, and eat it, and finish the bowl, and repeat, and repeat, and rep -
“goo junhwe!”
“yes sir!” junhwe yells, standing up immediately. half asleep, disoriented and still thinking about ice cream, he squints at the woman writing something on the board. he gets the vague feeling he’s said something wrong.
“sit down and answer the question!”
junhwe sits down, feeling slightly dizzy. he has no idea what the question is. he was just beginning to have a spiritual experience about ice cream. what class is he in?
“the year was six sixty eight!” the person behind him calls out. it sounds odd and hoarse.
“very good, junhwe,” the teacher says after a pause, and the class goes on.
junhwe turns around to look at his savior.
kim donghyuk winks over his glasses, giving him a thumbs up. he puts his hand under his cheek and closes his eyes.
you bite people, junhwe thinks, staring at donghyuk’s diamond-cutting jaw.
“go back to sleep,” donghyuk whispers. “i got this.”
humans, junhwe ponders, lying his head back down on his desk. his ice cream experience resumes where he left off.
and so donghyuk saves his ass in history class.
-
“third time’s the charm,” junhwe encourages himself. “that’s all. he’s done banging boys.” he stares at his reflection with as much conviction as he can muster. “he’s done. you are going to go up there. you are going to calculate distances and identify clusters as best as you can. kick ass, man.”
he nods seriously at his mirror before leaving the house.
-
donghyuk really does seem to be done banging boys. the first thing junhwe sees when he opens the door is donghyuk, holding hands with someone. someone who has long hair and a high voice and what looks suspiciously like boobs.
something in him dies.
this night, the potential title that junhwe could have picked up instead is Geography, Latitude and the North Star: Where Am I?
honestly. where is he? hell, purgatory or a rooftop? one of those options is not like the other.
all fighting spirit quashed out of junhwe, he dully resigns himself to staring at the sky through his telescope and ignoring the girl’s tinkling laughter.
-
“and last night i found out he’s bisexual,” junhwe gripes to hanbin. “can you believe this?”
“i dunno,” hanbin blinks, bleary. “it’s ass o’ clock in the morning and i’m stuck with you as a chemistry lab partner. this is probably one of those impossible things i have to believe before breakfast.”
junhwe ignores him.
“or is this, like, a trick question? because he could be pan? i think?”
junhwe keeps ignoring him, but hanbin decides he won’t just stop there.
“you’ve been hallucinating,” he goes on to postulate. “all these chemicals you breathe in the lab with me are driving you insane.”
“no,” junhwe says, waving his test tube around violently. “i’ve seen things up there that i haven’t seen before! you can’t hallucinate what you don’t know!”
“you,” hanbin points at him delicately, with a gloved finger, “just have basic taste in hentai.”
“i do not. and,” he adds, with rightful indignance, “why aren’t you crazy too?”
“i don’t need chemicals to do that,” hanbin sniffs dismissively. “i’m on the honor roll. the pressure is enough.”
“you,” junhwe points with the test tube, which is now steaming and the color of snot. “i am teaching you a lesson.”
“you,” hanbin retaliates, turning a little pink in the ears, “are a sneaky kind of perverted voyeur person.”
junhwe’s so shocked, he has nothing to say.
-
"listen up folks," junhwe announces the next tuesday night, when hanbin picks up. "you and i, we are going places."
"yes," hanbin says, which is surprisingly acquiescent for two thirty seven a.m. "i'm going to seoul national for chemistry, and you are going to beg in the streets."
ah, there it was. kim hanbin to boot.
"yeah, but first," junhwe looks wildly out his window as if donghyuk would be prancing on the moon with a jingly belled pony or something, "first you are going to believe me because i will drag you there."
"wait, wait," hanbin's beginning to sound alarmed as well as half-asleep, which isn't a good thing. he took out two able bodied adults the last time he sounded like that, and those were his parents waking him up at midnight for his birthday. "what the hell are you talking about."
"we are absconding," junhwe says, with patience. "to the roof, wherein you will see donghyuk."
"oh," hanbin sighs, and junhwe can hear things rustling and moving about. "whereupon, i think? because it's on the roof, not in the roof. but," he adds, and something loud falls in the background, "i don’t actually know."
"stick to chemistry," junhwe advises, and hangs up. he's not sure why he's fixated on this. maybe god planted the urge in his head so everyone in the netherworlds can have a good laugh. he's getting the heebie jeebies about this if he's being honest with himself. suppose, suppose, that the one night junhwe tries to get a witness on the stand, that very night...
-
that very night, donghyuk does not show up. "i mean," junhwe laughs with an excess of mirthlessness, "i mean, really. i should have seen this coming."
hanbin isn't talking to him. at least, not directly. he's just standing there, shivering in his oversized coat and staring at his shoes, muttering the periodic table. "it calms me down," he snaps, catching junhwe staring. "something you aren't helping with."
"this should have been seen coming," junhwe says, turning his face to the moon, "by me."
-
junhwe finds out that he hates math. he knows this already, but sometimes… sometimes things just take the cake.
the entire night lies behind junhwe in surreal clarity; he stayed up until two, organizing his data for clusters and studying for his math test, then he called hanbin, then they took an hour to get there, then donghyuk wasn't there, then they went home after waiting for fifteen minutes, then junhwe stayed up staring out the window because he couldn't sleep, then he tried studying again, and now he's in the classroom, math test in front of him, with the knowledge that he is going to fail this thing resting on his shoulders like a crushing, gentle weight. maybe crushing and gentle don't together. that's okay. it's all okay. everything's okay, because he doesn't know anything on this test so life pales in comparison.
junhwe finds out that he hates math, that he can’t do integration even though he managed to do at least twenty practice questions less than seven hours ago, that he has never hated anything more than donghyuk beaming as he hands in his paper first and walks out of the room, hands in his pockets, whistling.
-
"hey," jinhwan jogs up behind him. junhwe feels spiteful, so he walks faster. "hey," jinhwan protests, and grabs his arm. their momentum is probably 5a minus 7b in different directions or something, junhwe doesn't know, he just failed the math test, and, yeah, they fall down. it's nasty.
"dude," someone says in passing. "didn't know you were a klutz."
"right, thanks," junhwe wheezes. so now, in addition to be a sneaky perverted kind of voyeur with an unfortunately eidetic memory that has started providing all sorts of vivid, inappropriate images about his current classmate and former rival at all the wrong times, junhwe is a klutz. even though it was jinhwan's fault.
"it was your fault," junhwe says to jinhwan's stomach, both of them still lying on the floor. it's a testament to how extraordinarily fast on their feet everyone thinks, that the two of them don't even cause a hold up in the hallway; people just form separate streams, part in front of the lump that is junhwe and jinhwan, and join together after.
"we're moses," jinhwan says, and junhwe kind of agrees. someone running past them accidentally kicks jinhwan's ass right then, and they get up fast after that. "like i was saying," jinhwan wriggles his shoulders and stretches. nobody has a problem with him trying to take up more space, junhwe notes. probably because he's tiny as it is. advantageous. "i shall be seeing you at the venue tonight. do not forget."
"there's no need to be so formal." honestly though, junhwe has a pretty good idea about whether he's going or not. after the test results, his mother will probably ground him for a week, and then his father will ground him for a month, and if he's lucky they won't confiscate his phone. and he definitely won't be allowed out for anything other than groceries after six o clock.
"just sayin'," jinhwan gives him an exaggerated wink and finger guns his way out to his next class. the other students trickle out with him. suddenly very alone, junhwe sighs and stares down at the raging F that glares at him from the bit of paper that peeks out of his satchel. why did this happen to him again?
as is generally known, thinking of the devil causes the devil to arrive.
"junhwe!" a voice calls out.
"not today," junhwe whispers, and traipses the fuck out of there before donghyuk can do anything else.
part ii