i never aim to write submissively towards something i dont have any idea what its existence is about
I might actually been lied to in accordance to the date that I was really born. I am not fun, zesty or life of the party. I would fit perfectly fine with the horoscope that compiles people who zones out. Being placed in a can with all those who have no idea about what it feels to feel at this very moment. Not knowing what kind of a phase or rut that is going by or am stuck unto. In this group, I would probably not stand out at all, like what a Leo would. I would blend in. Just like wearing wallpaper and angling myself to blend with the walls of the surroundings without much effort.
I am certainly not walking down the hallway with a pass that wrote - ‘Permission to feel sucky for I am a lady with premenstrual syndrome.’ But lately I have been under emotional tension that does not go away with the fluid retention of premenstrual period. It just stays. It stays like the girl who wears wallpaper that blend with the walls. Its not because she don’t want to move, its just that she do not know why she have to feel like she fits in there.
I prayed and tried so hard to sail away from this dock of gloom but I do not know how to set my sail. I do not know what this thing is. I call it a ‘thing’ as I am sure that it is not really a feeling. This thing might be a little or maybe actually a lot like unhappiness. It comes together with a stinging continuous throb at the central area of the chest and some fine lines under the eyelid and on the forehead. It gives out a slight aroma of numbness, but do not quite hit the jackpot with that. There is no balance to have some sense of gravity. It is neither floatation nor a sinking device. Its if you were to hold the beating organ, it runs so fast that it might just slip through those grubby, indelicate, un-gloved fingers and just splat it. But I’m not sure if it’s going to splat or run with the wind if it got out from those insignificant fingers.
I do not need a pill to help ‘lessen’ this thing. I need a vacuum, which sucks it out, turn it all into one huge dust bunny that could just be thrown away. Not to be recycled afterwards, but just for it to be thrown into an infinite abyss.