well fuck.
im a lot more heartbroken than i thought.... and its so pathetic. it kinda makes me sick how much i care. i wish i didnt ha. so weird how these things happen. a year ago i could have told you that rob didnt really mean anything to me at all... now i just cant move past him. its strange because i dont want to be with him, i honestly dont.. i just wish that i could move past caring about him and wondering whats wrong with me and why he issss this wayyyyyy god. why i dont mean the same way to him. why could he spend valentines with rachel? ha wow. it doesnt seem like its actually such a big deal, valentines is a stupid holiday.. but it was kinda an anniversary. so thats strange. ahh he spent it with another girl. but honestly what did i expect? and WHY did i want to spend it with him. godddd i just want to be done. its so hard. i just want to run away. california is tooo far away-i need it now.
he called me today to catch up.
he asked how i was which was nice. he wondered about me which felt good. he cared.
hey im pathetic.
then he asked my college plans because i had mentioned it before but never really told him the details, so yes, im going to california rob. really? why? what are you going to accomplish by running away? i thought you were ganna be here and.. youre one of my best friends. im losing one of my best friends.
THEN he has the AUDACITY to say i love you. not really the i love love love you just i love you like friends i love you..
WHAT THE FUCK?
it just seems so insensitive. he asked me to say it back. how could he ask that? how could he expect me to say i love you? you played with me over and over and over ass hole and i just fell for it every fucking time.
he hooked up with rachel.
its just over it just is it is it is it is. i know and ive known but i have to keep saying it. its over. and he got upset and said sorry and said that he knows that he screwed up and that he should have been there with me. he was sorry. so thats nice to hear. that makes me feel better to know that he cares a little BALLZZZ. why do i care if he cares?
we are talking things over more on sunday.. so he says. who knows. he "promises."
im just so sick of myself. im so sick of feeling sad. i remind myself of my mother-ah fuck and thats honestly the worst thing that i could ever become.
i hate that i fell for a shit head. and i hate that i really dont think he is one ha. just a flake and and idiot. i cant wait to escape. i really think that the only way im not ganna care or be sad about him anymore is if i just dont see him or talk to him at all anymore. thats so harsh maybe... but i feel like for me i just have to clip him from my life. sorry? i dont know... i do. courtney l says that i should at least try to keep a friendship.. i dont want to hate him i just dont want HIM at all. i would always be nice if i see him but i just cant keep him in my life. maybe im just pathetic and running away but i dont know what else to do. i have feelings and he crushed them and i feel like i just cant recover from a heartbreak. i feel like im too weak. my heart is just too broken to be put back- he doesnt get all the credit ha. im so jaded its funny. no one knows. no one sees it. well fuckkk miss optimistic.
i hope that my kid has a normal family and a normal life and never feels as sad as ive felt. i feel so alone all the time and i hate it. i havent felt like ive had a mom until like the past week ha. kind of.. shes great and there for me but i feel like im just a friend. i want to be the kid. please let me be the kid. please be my mom. im already gone. everyone i love pushes me away ha............................ thank god i have friends.
i think that going to cali is the best thing i can do for myself. i can start fresh and never worry about seeing anybody who hurts me. i cant wait to not be sad.
DOWNERRRRR.
ive cried more this week than i think i ever have in one week ha. or a month. i never cry. this week justtt decided to mix things up. i love how no one knows how i feel ha. im a stuffer and im always ganna be. no one needs to know cause i really am fine. i ammmm i am. it just gets to me every now and then and cause i stuff it comes out at times life this. im okay though. no one sees.
he called me today to catch up.
he asked how i was which was nice. he wondered about me which felt good. he cared.
hey im pathetic.
then he asked my college plans because i had mentioned it before but never really told him the details, so yes, im going to california rob. really? why? what are you going to accomplish by running away? i thought you were ganna be here and.. youre one of my best friends. im losing one of my best friends.
THEN he has the AUDACITY to say i love you. not really the i love love love you just i love you like friends i love you..
WHAT THE FUCK?
it just seems so insensitive. he asked me to say it back. how could he ask that? how could he expect me to say i love you? you played with me over and over and over ass hole and i just fell for it every fucking time.
he hooked up with rachel.
its just over it just is it is it is it is. i know and ive known but i have to keep saying it. its over. and he got upset and said sorry and said that he knows that he screwed up and that he should have been there with me. he was sorry. so thats nice to hear. that makes me feel better to know that he cares a little BALLZZZ. why do i care if he cares?
we are talking things over more on sunday.. so he says. who knows. he "promises."
im just so sick of myself. im so sick of feeling sad. i remind myself of my mother-ah fuck and thats honestly the worst thing that i could ever become.
i hate that i fell for a shit head. and i hate that i really dont think he is one ha. just a flake and and idiot. i cant wait to escape. i really think that the only way im not ganna care or be sad about him anymore is if i just dont see him or talk to him at all anymore. thats so harsh maybe... but i feel like for me i just have to clip him from my life. sorry? i dont know... i do. courtney l says that i should at least try to keep a friendship.. i dont want to hate him i just dont want HIM at all. i would always be nice if i see him but i just cant keep him in my life. maybe im just pathetic and running away but i dont know what else to do. i have feelings and he crushed them and i feel like i just cant recover from a heartbreak. i feel like im too weak. my heart is just too broken to be put back- he doesnt get all the credit ha. im so jaded its funny. no one knows. no one sees it. well fuckkk miss optimistic.
i hope that my kid has a normal family and a normal life and never feels as sad as ive felt. i feel so alone all the time and i hate it. i havent felt like ive had a mom until like the past week ha. kind of.. shes great and there for me but i feel like im just a friend. i want to be the kid. please let me be the kid. please be my mom. im already gone. everyone i love pushes me away ha............................ thank god i have friends.
i think that going to cali is the best thing i can do for myself. i can start fresh and never worry about seeing anybody who hurts me. i cant wait to not be sad.
DOWNERRRRR.
ive cried more this week than i think i ever have in one week ha. or a month. i never cry. this week justtt decided to mix things up. i love how no one knows how i feel ha. im a stuffer and im always ganna be. no one needs to know cause i really am fine. i ammmm i am. it just gets to me every now and then and cause i stuff it comes out at times life this. im okay though. no one sees.