(no subject)
Alright, this would be the second installment in my meaningless little series of comics summaries. Again, this is from a while ago. Again, it's Birds of Prey again, as you've probably guessed from the title.
Lacking the third and fourth BOP trades I decided to skip straight ahead to OYL. Standard disclaimers apply: Spoiler warning for the BOP comics. These are not my characters, but the property of their respective comic companies. NO profit is being made from this work.
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Story further down
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Rated R for violence
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Rated R for Inuenndo
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Rated R for the absence of the Comics Code Sticker
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Birds of Prey for Dummies, OYL Edition
Huntress: Well, here I am, rescuing an insane sadist.
Oracle: It does you credit. Just think how well you can fight crime, now that you’ve reformed!
Huntress: Shut up.
Clayface: Rargh! I am an amorphous blob of silicates! Surrender the Crime Doctor or, with the help of a lot of flowing water and a geological time period of a thousand years or so, I will leave sediment deposits on you!
Huntress: To save myself from impending mineralogical bukkake, I will blow off his amorphous, silicaceous groin.
Deadpool: Good plan. If it makes the audience laugh, it’s guaranteed to defeat the supervillain!
Huntress: I can never tell what that guy's talking about.
Shiva: I will step out of nowhere, and effortlessly defeat all the remaining supervillains.
Huntress: With Shiva’s appearance, I am relegated to the role of comical sidekick. Fuck. Where’s Dinah, anyway?
Oracle: *dabbing at eyes* I’m afraid she . . . left me.
[Someplace else]
Dinah: Well, here I am in . . . oh, never mind. Some random village. Who’s the freaky old lady?
Freaky Old Lady: I’m your mother.
Dinah: . . . I don’t think you’re quite familiar with the principle of motherhood. You see, when a man and a woman fall in love . . .
Freaky Old Lady: Shut up.
Dinah: Sure, now can we do something about these handcuffs?
Freaky Old Lady: They’re there in the name of family values.
Dinah: This is getting stranger by the minute.
Mob of Jerks with Clubs: It’s about to get stranger. *They beat her senseless*
Dinah: That would be my first clue that this is not going according to plan.
[Back in Gotham]
Huntress: Well, here I am, still protecting the insane sadist.
Oracle: It’s a job you do so well, Huntress. You make us all so proud.
Huntress: Shut up.
Oracle: Prepare for the dramatic insertion of a nubile new team member.
Gypsy: Hi, I’m Gypsy!
Huntress: Hi.
Zinda: Howdy.
Shiva: We must fight.
Gypsy: O_O.
Prometheus: While they’re busy breaking in the n00b, I think I’ll kidnap the crime doctor. What’s my interest in him, you ask? Well, it sure isn’t his way with people.
[Random village]
Dinah: I have just finished beating on those guys who beat me up the other day. I think I’ll call Shiva and give her some fashion advice.
Freaky Old Lady: Once you’ve finished that, there seems to be a small army of soldiers headed our way.
Dinah: Having issues about the whole thing, I have decided to take on all of these soldiers and beat the living shit out of them without ever once wondering what brought them here in the first place.
Soldier: Ow! My mercenary parts!
Freaky Old Lady: Good. I arranged for this to happen. It’s all part of making you a Shiva.
Dinah: . . . All right, ignoring the fucking sadism of all this, what do you mean, ‘a’ Shiva? I thought she was unique.
Freaky Old Lady: Why would you think that?
Dinah: well . . . Every story ever told about her regarded her as the stuff of legends! The woman who traveled the world, seeking the best teachers and killing them! The woman who abandoned every trapping of the civilized world to seek the perfection of her art! The self-made one and only!
Freaky Old Lady: Oh, that’s been retconned. The current story is that there has always been a Shiva, and their secret is that they all went to Shiva-school!
Years of Continuity: Huh?
[Meanwhile, back in Gotham City]
Shiva: I will now fight Prometheus, who despite rumors of his efficacy will doubtless be a pushover.
Prometheus: Must Prometheus smek a bitch?
Shiva: Yes. Yes he must.
Prommie’s Mad Skillz: Smek!
Huntress, Zinda, Gypsy: O_O!
[Begin build-up to climactic fight]
Crime Doctor, speaking in flashback: I tortured a girl to death this one time, and it led me to realize that I’m a sadist.
Prometheus: Poetically enough, I would torture this guy to death if given the chance. But I think these Bird-ladies might object . . . better sort them out first.
Oracle: Huntress, you are not competent enough to fight Prometheus! I order you to retreat!
Huntress: . . . Okay, now I’m definitely going to stand and fight.
Zinda: I’m staying. I have a woman-of-the-1950’s image to break, which I try to accomplish by the frequent use of overpowered firearms . . . grrr.
Gypsy: Me too, I guess . . . I mean, if that’s okay with everyone. It is, isn’t it?
Prometheus: I always did want to experience vigorous bodily contact with three women at once.
Zinda’s guns: Blam!
Deadpool: I don’t know what’s stranger - the fact that vigilantes who are sworn not to kill carry twelve-gauges and .45’s, or the fact that comic-book guns in general accomplish so very little when they are fired.
Oracle: I will attempt a complex hacking strategy that will no doubt take Prometheus completely by surprise! After all, it’s not like he’s a technical genius or anything!
Oracle’s computers: *Sizzle pop*
Oracle: . . . does that mean he was expecting it after all? God, I’m kind of useless, aren’t I?
Everyone: Yes, you are.
Huntress: This guy has the knowledge of the world’s thirty greatest martial artists - That means there’s only one way to beat him! I’ll just haul off and punch him in the nuts, telegraphing the move from a mile away! None of the world’s greatest martial artists would expect that!
Prometheus: Oh, Christ did you guys just let me down.
[Meanwhile, at the Shiva school]
Dinah: I’ve just realized that people willing to train other people to be like Shiva are not really on the side of the angels. This freaky old lady who tortures kids is not a nice person, either!
Freaky Old Lady: You cannot refuse to become the next Shiva.
Dinah: Must Black Canary smek a bitch?
Freaky Old Lady: Yes, yes she must.
Dinah: Okay, I will break your elbow and kick you in the throat hard enough to propel you headfirst into a tree-trunk.
Freaky Old Lady: . . . That’s a smek?
Dinah: Yep.
Freaky Old Lady: If you refuse to become the next Shiva, this cute little kid will have to do everything you don’t - and nobody wants that, do they?
Dinah: Only one solution - a politically correct third-world adoption!
[back at scene of climactic fight]
Prometheus: the fun has been mostly spoiled now - I’d better just kill these people.
Huntress: Me first.
Crime Doctor: Wait! Despite being utterly physically useless, I have managed to escape my bonds!
Prometheus: So?
Crime Doctor: I have decided to kill myself to protect my retroactively inserted daughter’s life!
Prometheus, Birds: You do that.
Crime Doctor: Ack! (dies)
Shiva: Is it time for the reckoning between me and Dinah that we’ve been promised since the beginning of this story arc?
Gail Simone: No, you just quietly leave. But not before making like All-Star Batman and taking the first available opportunity to kidnap a kid.
Shiva: Fucking DC, I swear . . . ought to join Dark Horse, maybe I'd meet Hunter Rose . . . *kidnaps kid and leaves*.
The End?