Wherein I mock DC.
Okay, thanks to Huntress Week over on scans daily, I've finally decided to get off my ass and post something. This is a summary/review/satire/thingy that I wrote a while ago. It is based on the first two arcs of Gail Simone's Birds of Prey.
Standard Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned herein. They are the property of their respective companies. No profit is being made from this work.
Hardcore fans of the series will no doubt note that this is not a true and literal summary. Most of Chuck Dixon’s run on this series takes place within the first paragraph. Certain occurrences are entirely products of my imagination, and/or my frustration with comics in general.
You'd probably find this funnier if you've actually read the series, but it's not essential.
Flames are welcome. They will be used to toast marshmallows.
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Story further down
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Rated R for language
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Rated R for Innuendo
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Rated R for the mention of unwholesome practices involving Mr. Mxyzptlk
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No, actually I made that last one up.
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Okay, here it is.
Birds of Prey for Dummies
Chapter One
Barbara Gordon: I have just been raped and crippled by the Joker. Thanks Alan Moore!
Alan Moore: [from behind beard] I am really very sorry. That book was supposed to have been an Elseworlds.
Barbara: Screw you. Anyway, I am now going to see what I can do to fight crime from my wheelchair. I know! I’ll use my hacking skills to find crimes, and then send other people to handle them! I shall call myself Oracle, because I am all seeing, all knowing, and not egotistical in the slightest.
Oracle: I shall now need agents to do my bidding. Hmmm, how about Black Canary?
Dinah: I have also just been raped and crippled. Thanks Mike Grell!
Mike Grell: Comics need realism.
Oracle: Wait. This didn’t involve the Joker, by any chance?
Dinah: No, it was some random dope-dealing motherfuckers. You know, the kind I used to beat up before breakfast, before comics needed ‘realism’.
Oracle: I can fix you by dunking you in a Lazarus Pit.
Dinah: Oh my God! I have regained cool attributes like superpowers and a functional uterus! I AM UTTERLY YOUR BITCH FOREVER.
Oracle: Sigh . . . If only Power Girl had said things like that . . .
Dinah: Anyway, what’s the scoop?
Oracle: I spy on people.
Dinah: Let me read you something called the United States Constitution.
Oracle: I only spy on people to detect crimes.
Dinah: okay . . . I guess . . .
Oracle: Random Business Dude is corrupt. Go threaten him.
Dinah: I will threaten you wearing whiteout contacts and fishnet stockings. This will simultaneously arouse and terrify you. You will confess.
Random Business Dude: I’m being blackmailed!
Savant: And I am the one blackmailing him!
Dinah: God, I hate real blondes.
Savant: Breaks my heart. I will return the favor by breaking your legs.
Dinah: I kick ass!
Creote: I kick ass harder.
Savant: I kick ass . . . but then I forget about it.
Dinah: Oh god. I hope I’m not going to get raped and crippled again.
Deadpool: Don’t worry, you’re being written by a woman.
Dinah: Thank God. Now then - how can I get free? I know! I’ll seduce the bodyguard!
Creote: Sorry. Gay.
Dinah: Bitch.
Back at the clock tower
Oracle: Oh god, Dinah’s gonna get raped and crippled. Hmmm . . . the last time that happened, she developed a pretty low opinion of men. I know! I’ll send a woman to rescue her! [Dials Huntress]
Huntress: Who is this?
Oracle: I’m the one who canonically hates you, considers you insane, and was willing to see you convicted for murder over a single piece of demonstrably falsifiable evidence a few years ago.
Huntress: Batman?
Oracle: No! Oracle!
Huntress: Oracle, how did you get this number?
Oracle: Batman gave it to me so I could tap your phone.
Huntress: Let me read you something called the United States Constitution.
Oracle: Shut the fuck up.
Oracle: Black Canary, who you actually like, has been captured. Would you please rescue her before she gets raped and crippled?
Huntress: I’m on it. [heads directly to Savant’s place]
Gail Simone: Wait! Wait! You’re supposed to go collect evidence from this parking lot attendant named Josh, who you later go on a date with, and . . .
Huntress: Josh is not canon in my fandom.
Gail Simone: *warily eyes angry woman with crossbow* that’s fine . . .
Creote: I have just returned home after possibly the most demeaning shopping trip of my life.
Huntress: I kick ass, with lots of perky boobage. And I run over people with my motorcycle.
Creote: I get run over by motorcycles every alternate Tuesday, but I sure hope she doesn’t burn my ponytail off.
Dinah: Huntress! Burn his ponytail off!
Creote: I think I’m going to scream.
Oracle: Oy! Savant!
Savant: Yes?
Oracle: I just stole all your files on rich criminals! The fact that you had this information will make them seek revenge on you!
Savant: I wonder . . . does she realize the same goes for her?
Creote: Never expect women to make sense. See you in jail.
Savant: >Sigh< This is another fine mess you’ve gotten me into.
Chapter Two
Dinah: I’m in Hong Kong, and my Sensei just died. Not only that, but someone killed him while he was already dying.
Shiva: He was my sensei as well. I plan to [headleopardblow] whoever killed him.
Dinah: I want the truth.
Shiva: I want revenge.
Cheshire: I am evil! I lie, cheat, steal, and set off nuclear bombs, after which I vanish leaving nothing but my hideous smile!
Cheshire: Also, I take cock from your relatives.
Dinah: Fuck you.
Dinah: Our sensei was killed using your MO! I will therefore wrestle you in a wet nightie, smack the shit out of you and tie you up!
Random Asian Teenage Boy: I will watch this occur, slack-jawed in amazement.
Random Asian Teenage Boy’s Girlfriend: I will slap him for perving. I will then take advantage of that which is currently tenting his pants.
Cheshire: Even mostly naked and tied up, I am still evil!
Dinah: Tell us who hired you, or I will be forced to . . . . . smack you around in a wet nightie some more?
Cheshire: I suggest that you also take cock from your relatives.
Dinah: Fuck you.
Cheshire: Fuck you twice.
Shiva: I’M NOT FUCKING AROUND! TELL US WHO HIRED YOU OR I WILL HORRIFICALLY TORTURE YOU!
Cheshire: I am being framed. By Senator Pullman, no less.
Senator Pullman: By a strange coincidence, I am one of the rich criminals mentioned in the files Oracle stole. I therefore want revenge on Oracle, but I don’t know who or where she is.
Savant: I can help you with that.
Senator Pullman: You’d better . . . or I’ll have your good-lookin’ bodyguard shot.
Savant: I need to help this asshole like I need VD. I will therefore only tell him women who might be oracle.
Senator Pullman: I will kill every one of those women.
Savant: Shit. Hadn’t thought he’d do that.
Oracle: An incredibly advanced virus has just infected my computers! Who could have done this? I haven’t fought any computer geniuses lately, have I?
Savant: Her memory must be worse then mine. We are so MENT2B.
Oracle: I am vacating the clock tower, until this gets sorted out.
Men in Black: We will now beat up this helpless crippled lady, and take her to Senator Pullman.
Oracle: It is for occasions like this that I carry these handy expandable batons.
Men in Black: We no longer have testicles, but we have captured her.
Savant: Just when I thought it was impossible to sink any lower in her eyes, this shit happens. I’ll have to find some way to make it up to her. Before I forget who she is.
Cheshire, Dinah, and Shiva: We are flying back to the states. We are still not getting along.
Shiva: Misbehave and I will horrifically torture you.
Cheshire: Torture me and I will horrifically poison you.
Dinah: Quit leering at each other, girls. People will think you just broke up.
Cheshire: Did you just imply that I am homosexual? I will horrifically poison you.
Shiva: Poison her and I will horrifically torture you.
Dinah: I give up.
Prisoner-Threatening Asshole: Miss Gordon is getting on my nerves. I will smack the shit out of her.
Oracle: I just nabbed Prisoner-Threatening Asshole’s cell phone. [Dials Clock Tower, hoping for Dinah]
Huntress: Hello?
Oracle: What the hell are you doing in my home?
Huntress: Watching your illicit Grayson showercam videos.
Oracle: Those are private!
Huntress: Are YOU bitching to ME about invasions of privacy, Big Sister?
Oracle: All right, you’ve made your point. No need to be such a twat about it. Listen, dial everyone in my Rolodex and promise sex if they rescue me.
Huntress: Hmm. I think I will come and rescue you myself.
Dinah: Shiva, keep Cheshire captive while I go rescue my boss.
Shiva: Misbehave and I will horrifically torture you.
Cheshire: Too late
Shiva: What?
Cheshire: The odor you do not smell is aerosolized shellfish toxin.
Shiva: Does that mean . . .
Cheshire: Yep, it means I have already horrifically poisoned you.
Shiva: Bitch.
Cheshire: I now plan to kill you, and use your dismembered corpse to fake my own death! Hmmm . . . It’s a shame your boobs aren’t nicer. I wouldn’t want my corpse to disappoint the necrophiliac morgue attendants.
Shiva: My . . . boobs . . . are . . . fine!
Cheshire: Yes, but mine just kick ass. Thanks Ed Benes!
Ed Benes: No, Thank You!
Dinah: I kick ass. But I’m having some trouble finding Oracle.
Huntress: I found Oracle, but unfortunately I also found Savant. Damn, I hate it when luscious blondes beat me with phallic objects.
Savant: Yeah, it bothers me as well.
Oracle: Savant, I will make a deal with you. Help me get out of here, and I will not send you back to jail. Also, if you don’t agree to this deal I will shoot you in the ass.
Savant: Uh, deal.
Senator Pullman: Why is there a woman in a green ninja/pirate uniform in my office? I don’t remember ordering a hooker.
Cheshire: I am your long-lost daughter. You treated Ma like shit, so I plan to kill you.
Senator Pullman: I will threaten you.
Oracle: Having managed to find a computer console, I will broadcast Senator Pullman threatening Cheshire on national TV.
Pullman, Cheshire: Well, shit. This buggers both our plans, so, tell you what, let’s just take the chopper and split.
Dinah: I have managed to board the chopper.
Shiva: I have also managed to board the chopper. Cheshire, I now plan to horrifically torture you.
Cheshire: Bring it. That line’s getting old anyway.
Dinah: To save Cheshire from Shiva, I will push her out of the helicopter - eighty feet onto concrete.
Cheshire: THAT’S SAVING ME?
Dinah: Yep.
Oracle: I’m saved.
Savant, Creote: I’ll be working for Oracle now.
Dinah: I’ll be watching those two . . .
Shiva: I’ll be off.
Cheshire: I’ll be back . . . .
Dinah: Oracle, can we make Huntress a Bird?
Oracle: She is a skilled and honest vigilante, so I will hire her. I will, however, be horrible to her because she slept with my boyfriend (who I just dumped) years ago before he was my boyfriend.
Dinah: You do that. I will be horrible to her because she slept with my adoptive son (just like Cheshire did) and admits that he wasn’t good in bed.
Huntress: I am completely fine with all of this. You see, Bat-people have been horrible to me for years, and I have gotten used to it. I mean, Nightwing fucking slept with me anonymously. If I can put up with that, I can put up with you two.
Birds of Prey: We fight crime! We are not dysfunctional at all!
The end?