Life update.
Here I am listening to "Comptine d'un autre été, l'apres-midi" from the Amelie soundtrack and the 2012 London Olympics runs in the background and I am numb to Ledecky's? gold medal win because of the things that run through my head at this point in time. Where to start.....
the beginning.
You know Ive realized that I think i know myself, but then when I rethink about the things I've endured I tell myself "there was no reason for you to do that! You're so stupid!" I'm such a dweller. I lay in bed and think of every single regret I've had in my life. The most recent one, and it ain't even THAT big of a deal--even though it kinda is.... was when I had my vocal technique class and Sherry or Sherri or Sherrie or however her name is spelled Anderson came in and listened to a few students. I was the first to go and being thrown into an advanced vocal course I feel so stupid for even have signed up to go so early that day. I sang a pop song first of all, people like Sherry do not appreciate pop music. Elizabeth the acc. didn't know what she was doing, but she's played way harder arias' in her lifetime Im sure! 3..Tyler was there -_-. Uhmm... am i missing anything? Oh i was singing in a different key and I was totally over singing it. Yep... anyways. Whenever I think of that event I go "AUUUGHHUGHH!!!!!" And scrunch my face and squeeze my hands and hit myself, lightly of course. Well the reason why I mention this is because I've been doing this constantly recently.
I havent read my livejournal in a while, but if I recall I just remember writing about boy problems and being all emotional. Wait, thats kinda what Im about to do *facepalm*. Yep, here I am again to rant about boys and that's what has brought me back to this site! I just... don't have any luck with guys... Being this age I think is a slight factor on why I cant really find a relationship-- a FULL out relationship...with roses and dinners and long walks on the beach. None of this "open" relationship crap and non of this FWB stuff either. I just want something a little more permanent. Im not trying to go all out and search my soulmate/future husband or anything. But I want to start a relationship from scratch, build it ground up, nurture it, and see what it grows into. Let's see...
After being dumped by the guy that devirginized me and that I invested a very emotional 6 months with, to be honest that relationship will just have me scared forever, it took me FOREVER to feel emotionally regulated. I was so mad at myself too cause my mind wasn't healing as rapidly as I wanted it to-- in this day and age we want things to work fast right? Why shouldnt our brains join in! after being kicked out of a University I didn't really care for, yet made me feel like I was somebody, I went on and took on Cabrillo again to get my shit together. To pursuit a new career path. And honestly I did not wanna make friends coming into this. I wanted to keep to myself and not make any type of connections with the people at Cabrillo (CC). I remember waking up in the morning and over dressing to go to class so that people would think highly of me. I would eat my lunch in my car and would totally feel like Cady Herron eating in the restroom. Around the same time I was also on this strict, basically don't eat anything, type of diet. I can honestly say I think I was turning anorexic =/ Luci pointed it out and thats when I was like...shit youre right... I do have a problem. Even though I've lost so much weight I still dont think it's enough --enough will be when I have the body of this 1 picture of a hot guy I have favorited on tumblr. When I get a body similar to that then I'll...well just not pay as much attn to weight issues and move onto other things. Anyways, long story short. CC has brought me so many good things and so many bad. Do the good things out number the bad? Yeah I would say so..., but it's a total the bad things are much more significant and in-the-way than the good. Who would've known a college music dept would be like a mini high school. I seriously feel like Mean Girls all over again. The students that were trained since they were in diapers strut the hallways like they're hot shit...and sure, it shows in their training. If anything one of the biggest bad things that's happened to me last school year (Oh, forgot to mention i took a semester off) was I lost myself. I dont know who I used to be. I dont remember.. It was too long ago. I feel like that mindset I went into CC with was a good one...yeah? Im liked by people I dont think I can ask for more... I can finally again be like IM POPULAR! (*thinks about first IDS party*) But Idk if it's maturity...or a fake Christian.
Okay boy problems here they come and I'll try to make some sappy.
1) Tyler: Stupid, skanky, heartless, idiotic, douche bag. So if I didnt want friends....you BEST believe i did NOT want a relationship. However meeting tyler in my first few weeks at CC I was like...Oh thats right... People have significant others huh!?!!! At the time I had not been with anyone since.....June of 2011 (I met Tyler in early feb/late jan). Anyways, For him I joined the musical.. I ask him for a relationship after a couple weeks of knowing him -- too soon? I guess so, yeah it was. BUT when someone tells you I reallly like you and stufff you t--....to make things short he lead me on. He stopped talking to me soon after and in the musical it was SO awkward for me, especially sharing a dressing room with him. Well, I have to keep it professional because he's in my age group at the dept (Funny how it's not about grade level is about age level now) and we will be taking a few courses together so I have to sadly deal with him. Ive TRIED to make things awkward free, but he puts in no effort. And next semester we will be starting things off on a very odd foot. I wont forget what happened at the Opera and yeah I hold grudges, really hard.
2) Adam. Okay.. I dont have anything bad to say about you really. Youre a cute nerd and youre in the music dept so I see you a lot. Plus You, Tyler, and I will be like the three gays of IDS next year, tbh not looking forward to IDS anymore. You're in your little Open relationship, which I dont understand, but until you I never really knew what one was. Ive come to find out it's code for fuck whoever the fuck you want and i wont give a fuck cause I can fuck with someone else too and you cant give a fuck. Which leads me to the end of this paragraph here. You + Antony fucked in the room right next to me, probably even knowing I had a major school girl crush on you since I hinted it hardcore, however; I needed that. Because of that it's allowed me to move on to other things --with the influence of someone i'll get into in a minute. I've lost respect for you, that's all I have to say. Or at least my impression of you has drastically changed.
3) Marko. Kay I just had to put this in here to say that this was the worst date/first gathering w/e you wanna call it Ive ever been on. All he talked about was mars, aliens, the real house wives of NJ, and he talks weird. Like his speaking voice is too fem for his body?
4) *Identity withheld* - I hide who this person is from myself. I will never tell anyone in my physical life about this person. It is just someone I am so ashamed to have done anything with... I just hope that my connection with this person will come in good use one day because so far it hasn't been worth it. Like I said, I will NEVER for NO reason tell someone in my physical life about this. Even if they can relate, even if they begged, etc. Nothing.
5) *Deep Breath* AJ. Aahh =/ this is the most fresh and the one that hurts the most >_<
I think that in my prior entries I've said this before, I know I've definitely said it somewhere: This is truly one of those moments where...I hope that when I think about this in the future I will be like "omfg, I cant believe I overstressed/worried/cared about that so much". Cause I do! Where to start... the beginning of course!
So the infamous Grindr brought me this boy and Adam, Marko, Aj all happened on the same week. So the night the adam thing happened my friend Jill said "The universe definitely owes you one". So, at that point in time I said, Marko and I are totally gonna hit it off then right!?. Well you know how that went. The same night of Jills party was the first day AJ and I talked. Well.. This isnt the first time we've met, we've talked on Grindr before....back in sept/oct of 2011, he just forgot. Anyways the week was filled with light back and fourth ice breaker texting. Saturday night (10:00 ish) came around and he said he was getting off of work and wanted to see if a hanging out session was in our future that night. So it was very last minute. I was sitting on my recliner in PJs basically and I remember pacing my living room waiting for him to say he left Gilroy. So here I go, off to meet a stranger in the strangest setting--A dark parking lot! It wasnt bad, we had a little "Hug? handshake? okay lets hug!" moment. then it was off to Seascape beach... I think enough time has passed where I feel like I can finally describe what happened. Because it was so unplanned it felt like he was sent to me...by the universe, sure.... It felt like his stay was timed and after we climbed the wooden staircase and he got back into his white Jimmy I felt like I would never see him again. I felt like we had left the immediate worlds plane and there we were cuddling on the beach, making out intensely, and had a "limitless" conversation...best types of convos, I recommend them. Anyways, he emphasized he wasnt looking to get into anything too soon and wanted things to happen on their own. He was still recovering from a 1.3 long relationship. He asked me to dinner which we went to the following weekend. The week leading up to that date was filled with back and fourth texts and every night he would call me before he fell asleep and I was conditioned to that.
So on this next date, I remember he had car troubles the day night before/morning of our date so I was SO worried he wouldnt be able to go thru with this. I had spent most of the morning searching for a damn dream catcher, I say damn cause I cant believe how hard it is to find one, yet they seem so common! I wasnt about to buy him some crafty ugly little 1st grader project looking thing from this one place in downtown SC. I wanted the legit thing. Closest thing was this place called Mystic(al?) Avalon in capitola, and I still wasnt satisfied. Luckily Juan, my brother, came to my rescue and took me to a legit pow wow and of course you can get shit like that there!! anyways, this dream catcher was a belated birthday gift I wrapped up with a cute little note in a birchbox-box. I hope he liked it! I know he said he did, but after the fact I hope he still likes it. So when he finally got to my house we take off in my car and head for Natural Bridges. I took him to the pretty private tide pool area no one puts effort to get to. We had a nice talk about what we were like in our younger selves....quick sidetrack, earlier today my mom said "they say depressed people always have the tv on, radio, and use the computer at the same time" (which is totally me but idk if theres truth in this). Well I just heard my parents door open and here I am still listening to the same Yann Tiersen song. anyways...
Oh the high light of natural bridges was losing my cute cow boy boots :(! The ocean is sucha beautiful bitch! >
It started with cuddles and kisses...always does.
One thing I will never forget about our first date was when he said "I feel like Im kissing you like you just got back from the war" Ive never wanted to kiss someone so badly so much. I could spend the rest of my life kissing AJ to be honest. Maybe I don't feel that way so much now because of what's happened. But no other guy has tranced my body to kiss them soo much. We were in that "honeymoon hug" position... and we both had each others hands on each others lower tummies...did i word that right? Anyways.. I was tracing the area between his penis and belly button basically, the waistline. and i was under the elastic of his underwear and I said to myself... omfg am I really about to do this? He just said he waited 2 months for sex with some other guy.. I think this is totally too early. So whatever i go and glide my hand in to explore. We didnt have full on sex. Just oral/hj's. THAT was the only thing that wasnt fluid about the entire night. I think it was my lack of experience. Not that im inexperienced I just felt like this came to quickly... I feel like I was racing the sunlight/sleep to do this. It was around 5am. Anyways, so we finally cum and he says "good morning"! and it was a total Lawl moment. And sooo i gave him a clean shirt and we fell asleep cuddling :) He wakes up for a little and i did too and I stayed awake to take in the moment of what had just happened. Here I was holding him, so cute...and he looked so innocent. Like a little boy drifting into slumberland --too bad later on he went on to tell me he actually was having a dream where he was in a really hot environment and wasnt too pleasant! anyways, we finally wake up for real this time and got him in his Jimmy and off he went. That week we talked up until wednesday? Thursday? The first night that he didn't call/text me at all... i freaked out. Understand I was so used to those things being present on a daily basis. Being a person of drama/theatre I think know that I always write out a script in my head of how I want things to work. When my story doesn't start to follow those things... I freak out! Wow, I just remembered... he wasnt able to hang out Jul 20th which was a friday I think? Well anyways on that day I recorded a video that I privately posted on Youtube and it was me basically asking him hey relationship?
Million dollar question? Was it too soon? I run off of what the vibes are like and I can honestly say omfg, yeah I was so in like with the guy! And I thought the feelings were mutual, Thing is idk if he ever saw those videos... I realized they were under private and not unlisted meaning I had to entire his email address or youtube username so he could see them. So He never mentioned seeing them but THAT following week was when we started to not talk as much.. (I think) okay.. uhm fastforward
We recently were supposed to go to the Garlic festival last weekend but he couldnt cause "he was too tired from work" .... i quote that because Im not sure if it's a legitimate excuse or if he was doing other things. (I just heard birds chirping.... i don't think ive been up this early in a while, especially not writing). When monday night came (at the top of this week) I was like I need to get answers now, I cant take this anymore. I texted him around 11:30ish --hey I wanted to know if you were moving on etc.
He replies at 2pm the next day saying he's been busy with his life and hasnt had time to catch up. But feels we should talk in person.
Today I saw on my news feed that he dyed his hair blonde and asked what everyone was up to tonight. Lemme emphasize that I didnt go on his page, I was too scared to look :( Im insecure and I feel like he's probably seeing/talking to some one else. idk..
Okay so... Im waiting. Playing the waiting game and hoping this conversation will go well. I just want my belt back which doesn't really matter that much, but it's still mine. Ive been thinking of scenarios of potential things he might say and how I would respond to them, when the day comes though, that he's finally ready to talk I don't think it will go the way i planned them out in my head.
What I hope to get out of this now is.... Well I think picking up from where we were is asking too much / not realistic. I really hope we can stay friends. Something I didn't mention is the ridiculous little things we have in common. I can say that I don't like him (in a way that I would wanna be in a relationship with him) , but I am in like with the idea of him. We both have similar career paths --we both sing tenor! We're both cancers, we both eat clam chowder the same way, we both love eric whitacre, and he's where I can say etc. because the list is so grand.
......If I could speak to AJ right now... I'd tell him... Please don't tell me "youre too busy" or "it's not me it's you" I've heard that from Tyler. Ive spent little time with you in person, but whenever Im around you I feel so correct. I feel like I could go anywhere in the world with you and be happy... I feel like, I've made beautiful memories with you to last a lifetime...,But I feel like I could make tons more if we were to go back to where we were =/ Just please don't become somebody that I used to know.
of course I wanna hear his side of things, for all I know maybe he'll confess to seeing someone? Maybe he will realize he's too busy at this time? Or maybe just lost interest...could it be because of my vitiligo? =/
Well anyways, here's where I stand...and wish me luck journal.
xoxo.
6:13 AM