"Well he's nice...but he's shady"

[chryshawn]

 I think that especially this past week I have noticed that side of rene the most.

i dont regret having the actual moment but i hate the fact that he has to have the history he does...

-sigh-.....

today I saw the psychologist and tbh i get no help from seeing her
but its nice to just talk about it...

she told me to make a list of what i like about him / what i dont

but hell, i dont even think he feels the same way i feel about him...

I wish I could just write him a letter but i feel like thats the pussywayofdoingit.

i would say how, hes the 2nd person ive ever done something with and 
I actually would really love it if something can become of that,
not even a relationship just a better friendship

but i think im asking for too much....

i think the only reason why i wanted to do anything with him was
.....oh god idk..
I wasnt sexually starving... or saw him as a rebound..
i guess his presence just was nice and everything was perfect...

but at the same time,

HE IS A SLUT. I bet every gay guy in Watsonville knows what he's like in bed / what he looks like under the belt, etc..

and that i hate.

i guess i should try to let these feelings go..
I lie to myself and say that in order for me to feel emotionally correct I need to be with him
but i just wanna see what its like i guess.. =/