In Which Borders' June Monthly Makes Itself Useful

[chronographia]

Because Borders does so love filling my inbox with their newsletters, their graphics, their bullet points, today I bring you Doctor Impossible's Six Rules for Supervillain Survival as it was related to me from the author's note to Soon I Will Be Invincible: A Novel by Austin Grossman.

1. Never tell them your plan
   I know it's hard. Heroes don't make plans, they just smash other people's. So they're not going to appreciate the fourth stage, when the orbital lasers come together perfectly and start boiling off the atmosphere. But now it's never going to happen. Because… you told them your plan.
2. Never team up
   Crime is kind of lonely. You catch yourself thinking things, like, "Nechrotron does such great work with undead. He's probably not such a bad guy to have a beer with… we should team up! Like the heroes do!" Yeah, Nechrotron feeds on the human soul. He has a skull for a head. He doesn't want to hang out or steal stuff with you, or high-five you after a big job. He doesn't even have real hands.
3. Never take off your mask
   You want them to know, really know, who it's been all this time. That the nerd they laughed at in high school grew up to be the finest scientific mind on the planet and built enormous gleaming machines that held the world in awe. Guess what? They totally forgot about you. They'll just catalog your retinas and that'll be a problem down the road.
4. Never date another supervillain.
   See above. Recipe for tears. Trust me.
5. Never tell your nemesis "We are not so different, you and I…"
   Because-guess what?-you really are quite different. You've got reasons for what you do, you're smarter, you're angrier, and maybe a little bit crazy. That's why they're punching you in the face. That's why they're living in a gleaming anti-crime satellite, and you're in jail. Which brings us to my final rule.
6. Never give up.
   Never, ever, give up. So what if you're in jail? You're the villain, and yes, you're going to fight a hundred battles and lose every one. You're not a hero. But someday-maybe-you'll conquer the world.

You should believe him. He's a doctor, right?