Psycho Religious Weirdo!!

[chroniclesofash]

Life is so insanely crazy right now. I just have some serious decisions to make that could cost me a lot. I haven't been where i want to be spiritually at all for a while now and i've just been feeling like "NOW" is the time, it's gotta be done now. Most people don't understand that unless they've experienced it themselves (which none of my friends really have)so it's insanely hard to try to explain to people who don't believe the same way. To them, I just sound like some psycho religious weirdo who is ditching all their friends and things that they "love" to worship and live for a god that nobody can see or prove exists. Ugh! This is like seriously making me ill. Sam and I have been together since September and i ended up having to give him a choice to either jump on the train and spiritually "move up" with me or i'd have to break off from him and do it myself. We've been talking about it and fighting a lot lately because he says he's not sure it's something he wants to do and even though i think deep down it's totally what he needs and what his spirit wants, i don't think he's up for it which absolutely breaks my heart. Ugh...it's killing me (emotionally speaking, of course)!! Also, like 3 days before i made this huge decision, i began hanging out with Savy again, i mean i've only seen her once, but i feel like a total ass for being like "yeah, we can be great friends again" one day and then a few days later i'm like "Yeah, i made a mistake, not saying that i can't ever hang out or that i don't want to, but i need to surround myself with christians right now. It's just killer. Most people would read this and be like "If it hurts so bad, then why are you doing it, you idiot?!" It's just something that has got to be done, for me, for God. I need to better myself, my life....i can't live out my goals...i can't be a youth leader, missionary, or anything else if i'm hanging out with people who's idea of fun is breaking the law and getting into trouble and people who have absolutely no respect for others. I don't know man...It really doesn't seem fair that you have to lose to gain, but i am confident that in the end once the hurt goes away i will be a MUCH better person all around. I'm not saying I'm cutting myself off from the previous world of Ashley completely, i just won't be able to hang around much or maybe at all until i am strong in myself. So to everyone this may effect and everyone who may not understand and think i'm being a moron, i am sorry, i may be rather distant for a bit, but eventually when i am strong enough to conquer some of the temptations and things, i will come around. Once again, i am sorry to everyone who may be offended, confused, angry, hurt, or any other bad emotion that one could have towards another. I love you all and i will certainly ALWAYS be here if anyone needs anything!!!!

GoodBye Secular World!