(no subject)
I think I'm going through a major crisis (for the millionth time, let me tell you). I'm very angry at God (understatement of the... infinity?). It's like He put me on this Earth to be miserable, to suffer, and then I die and go to Heaven. Why not just stay in Heaven? Couldn't I have? Why not? Does He like to see me suffer? Am I just his plaything? Why does He want me in so much pain year after year? If it's not one thing, it's another!
First I think, "Okay well, He's doing it so you can sympathize for people." But it's just the opposite! I DID when things were SEMI-DECENT! Now He's being the cruelest to me that He's ever been to me, and I couldn't care less about anyone else. Only God can help me but He doesn't! Why not, God? *throws rocks at God*
He had a chance to take me YEARS AGO and I wanted Him too! But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I guess He decided to torture me more!
My crisis is, I don't think He loves me at all. Just when I think He's showing me a SMIDGEN of love, He goes and takes it away again!
I believe in Him 100%, I don't HATE Him, I love Him very much (and that's why I'm pissed off, if I didn't, I wouldn't be this pissed off, you know?), so it's not that I'm having a hard time believing in Him or anything...
After 26 years, you'd think I'd be seeing some sort of reason... But NOOOOOOOO. *Throws rocks again* 25 years I've trusted him... like I didn't know what his game was, but I trusted Him to know what's what. But now... the past year - I've just HAD IT already. So it's not like "Well maybe He's doing this so you can trust Him..." Been there, over it.
I think I just might be done :(
x-posted to ljchristians. I apologize if you see this twice.
UPDATE:
I feel better :) I think I might shake my fist some more, but that's a step forward, no? Thanks :)