Remission is the absolute best word in any language!!
well my firend is officially in remission..praise god..i am so happy its the best thing in the world.
as most know, next station had concerts this week so lydia was staying at my house. much fun ensued, though i didnt see her much bc of the shows and practice and such so i may go visit her this weekend. sweetness.
i am starting to miss my old life which means its time to go back to school....like now!!! i was talking with a friend about his girl troubles and remembered that we have talked in depth adn deep for 5 years. i miss that. phone and internet are not the same. i miss seeing peoples faces, thier expressions and feeling a hug from them when we part ways.
its really sad to me that friends that i have known for 9 months call me and seem to miss/care about me more than people i ahve known for years. well i take that back. i'll rephrase. while it is really sad and i am hurt and depressed over it, i am also over it. i am not going to force anyone to like me, nor do i have to. i seem to make due friendwise without the groveling and being a doormat. i have been a pushover my whole life which has lead to alot of the problems i have now bc i refuse to be one anymore. i dont blame anyone for my problems with them currently either. its not thier fault no matter what they did bc I decide how it affects me and how i deal with it. so i choose to back away. if you want to be left alone i wont bother. i had a really hard year and most people dont know that i was probably clinically depressed for 2-3 months. thats bc i didnt matter. so when people complain to me now and say oh well im having a tough time, or i was a jerk then im sorry i need y ou now or whatever i say ..i had a tough time too but i NEVER ever turn into a dick. no matter what is wrong we should rely on those around us to help us get through it not bitch at them and make them feel worthless. so i went through hell alone and came out alive. slightly bruised and charred but alive and that is what keeps me going. i am at a place in my life that if there is a problem that seems unfixable i am ready to let it drop in every sense of the word. while god knows i NEVER EVER wanna lose my friends, you honestly mean the world to me, but i am at a place in my life that i am willing to let even the friendship drop if tahts what you need. will i be depressed and hurt, ofcourse but im not going to put my wholeself into something only to get nithing in return. that is the last step ofcourse...the very very last.
im am glad that atleast i am able to accept the shit that comes my way and take it in stride. things really suck in alot of areas for me right now, but few know it bc i keep it to myself and my close friends and dont act all psycho and be mean and sad all the time...it doesnt help. it only makes you even more upset so i jsut dont do it. i will have a good time and try to enjoy life and maybe as a reward god will send some good things my way. all iknow is that i am really ready for schoola dn seeing these crazies i call friends again. i hate this two lives thing. i feel like a super hero...id be like awkward situation woman, or confusing life girl....idk but i would fight crime every awkward adn confusing situation at a time. able to leap from one sucky situation to the next in a single bound. im retarded.
i guess its safe to say that i miss the past which is a dangerous thought. live for today i say. dont look back and jsut enjoy every step you take. psshhhh....its hard. thats why i need to get outa here. before i start dwelling and giving in to self driven pressure to be a doormat.
i finished my skirt...like 10hours of work bc of these little pieces on iti sewed on by hand. but i love it and others like it so im happy. i now start on some presents for bdays passed and future. them another purse for me. yeah....
well iguess im done venting now....lol
as most know, next station had concerts this week so lydia was staying at my house. much fun ensued, though i didnt see her much bc of the shows and practice and such so i may go visit her this weekend. sweetness.
i am starting to miss my old life which means its time to go back to school....like now!!! i was talking with a friend about his girl troubles and remembered that we have talked in depth adn deep for 5 years. i miss that. phone and internet are not the same. i miss seeing peoples faces, thier expressions and feeling a hug from them when we part ways.
its really sad to me that friends that i have known for 9 months call me and seem to miss/care about me more than people i ahve known for years. well i take that back. i'll rephrase. while it is really sad and i am hurt and depressed over it, i am also over it. i am not going to force anyone to like me, nor do i have to. i seem to make due friendwise without the groveling and being a doormat. i have been a pushover my whole life which has lead to alot of the problems i have now bc i refuse to be one anymore. i dont blame anyone for my problems with them currently either. its not thier fault no matter what they did bc I decide how it affects me and how i deal with it. so i choose to back away. if you want to be left alone i wont bother. i had a really hard year and most people dont know that i was probably clinically depressed for 2-3 months. thats bc i didnt matter. so when people complain to me now and say oh well im having a tough time, or i was a jerk then im sorry i need y ou now or whatever i say ..i had a tough time too but i NEVER ever turn into a dick. no matter what is wrong we should rely on those around us to help us get through it not bitch at them and make them feel worthless. so i went through hell alone and came out alive. slightly bruised and charred but alive and that is what keeps me going. i am at a place in my life that if there is a problem that seems unfixable i am ready to let it drop in every sense of the word. while god knows i NEVER EVER wanna lose my friends, you honestly mean the world to me, but i am at a place in my life that i am willing to let even the friendship drop if tahts what you need. will i be depressed and hurt, ofcourse but im not going to put my wholeself into something only to get nithing in return. that is the last step ofcourse...the very very last.
im am glad that atleast i am able to accept the shit that comes my way and take it in stride. things really suck in alot of areas for me right now, but few know it bc i keep it to myself and my close friends and dont act all psycho and be mean and sad all the time...it doesnt help. it only makes you even more upset so i jsut dont do it. i will have a good time and try to enjoy life and maybe as a reward god will send some good things my way. all iknow is that i am really ready for schoola dn seeing these crazies i call friends again. i hate this two lives thing. i feel like a super hero...id be like awkward situation woman, or confusing life girl....idk but i would fight crime every awkward adn confusing situation at a time. able to leap from one sucky situation to the next in a single bound. im retarded.
i guess its safe to say that i miss the past which is a dangerous thought. live for today i say. dont look back and jsut enjoy every step you take. psshhhh....its hard. thats why i need to get outa here. before i start dwelling and giving in to self driven pressure to be a doormat.
i finished my skirt...like 10hours of work bc of these little pieces on iti sewed on by hand. but i love it and others like it so im happy. i now start on some presents for bdays passed and future. them another purse for me. yeah....
well iguess im done venting now....lol