(no subject)
So, I guess i'm going to write this now while I have a bit of alcohol in me so I can for once not be all OMG NOT REAL EMOTIONS. THEY CANNOT BE EXPRESSED BECAUSE THEN SOMEONE MIGHT ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING IN MY HEAD!
Went out tonight with Alleey and co for her 20th birthday. Good times. Drank a bit (suprise suprise) and now I am a great bit soggy mess of emo.
While out saw Stephen (major crush from year 8-12) and a guy from Coles who I used to drool over majorly everyday.
Talked to Stephen a bit, which seemed like the most awkward convo ever..even though I was drunk and chatty. Just like walking through wet sand. Tiring and didn't achieve much.
And the guy from Coles? I couldn't even say hi. Just..perved...really. Gah. I'm so ashamed. Why do I care what he thinks anymore? I don't work with him and chance are I won't see him again for another year.. but I just felt so shy and out of place...I just sat there.
Now...most of the time in my sober times I like to think i've changed since High School. Confidence and all. Discovered more of who I am and all that shit that's meant to happen at uni.
But..I dunno. After tonight I feel like I'm right back in year 10. Sitting at the sidelines, wishing desperately someone will just noticed me alone and come and talk to me because I'm too shy to throw myself out there and be noticed.
I hate being like this. Trapped in this bullshit bubble of confidence issues and shyness. I feel the same at uni. Even with my friends. They all sit around bantering and swapping jokes and just talking crap..and I can't join in. My brain freezes and I just sit there and laugh in the right places..because what else can I do?
I wish I could be all 'Fuck this! I am me and they can accept me or fuck off!' while making witty remarks and saying all the funny shit that comes into my head... But..I can't.
I compare myself constantly and realise I can never even compare to any other female in the room. I worry I'll look stupid or say something embarressing, that I'll end up saying something that will make everyone think i'm a freak..or just make a comment so...shit that there will just be silence.
I don't dance for fear of being watched and people making snide comments about the fat chick. I don't hug because I hate my body so much, and if I hate it, why would any body else want to touch me? Even for a short embrace? I worry that If i never returned to uni noone would notice. My tiny shoebox of a room would be filled by another, and everything would stay the same. I'm scared noone would even stop for a second to say 'Hey, where's Stina?'.
I dye my hair bright colours so people can remember me as something more than 'that fat chick who never says anything'. I give friends presents and do things I don't want to do so they'll need me for something or even just care about me for a bit.
...Yeah. I know. I'm not different from many other people everywhere struggling to be noticed and fighting with their confidence to convince themselves that they shouldn't just crawl into their beds and never emerge.
...I wonder how long it will take me in the morning to either private post this or delete it...
Went out tonight with Alleey and co for her 20th birthday. Good times. Drank a bit (suprise suprise) and now I am a great bit soggy mess of emo.
While out saw Stephen (major crush from year 8-12) and a guy from Coles who I used to drool over majorly everyday.
Talked to Stephen a bit, which seemed like the most awkward convo ever..even though I was drunk and chatty. Just like walking through wet sand. Tiring and didn't achieve much.
And the guy from Coles? I couldn't even say hi. Just..perved...really. Gah. I'm so ashamed. Why do I care what he thinks anymore? I don't work with him and chance are I won't see him again for another year.. but I just felt so shy and out of place...I just sat there.
Now...most of the time in my sober times I like to think i've changed since High School. Confidence and all. Discovered more of who I am and all that shit that's meant to happen at uni.
But..I dunno. After tonight I feel like I'm right back in year 10. Sitting at the sidelines, wishing desperately someone will just noticed me alone and come and talk to me because I'm too shy to throw myself out there and be noticed.
I hate being like this. Trapped in this bullshit bubble of confidence issues and shyness. I feel the same at uni. Even with my friends. They all sit around bantering and swapping jokes and just talking crap..and I can't join in. My brain freezes and I just sit there and laugh in the right places..because what else can I do?
I wish I could be all 'Fuck this! I am me and they can accept me or fuck off!' while making witty remarks and saying all the funny shit that comes into my head... But..I can't.
I compare myself constantly and realise I can never even compare to any other female in the room. I worry I'll look stupid or say something embarressing, that I'll end up saying something that will make everyone think i'm a freak..or just make a comment so...shit that there will just be silence.
I don't dance for fear of being watched and people making snide comments about the fat chick. I don't hug because I hate my body so much, and if I hate it, why would any body else want to touch me? Even for a short embrace? I worry that If i never returned to uni noone would notice. My tiny shoebox of a room would be filled by another, and everything would stay the same. I'm scared noone would even stop for a second to say 'Hey, where's Stina?'.
I dye my hair bright colours so people can remember me as something more than 'that fat chick who never says anything'. I give friends presents and do things I don't want to do so they'll need me for something or even just care about me for a bit.
...Yeah. I know. I'm not different from many other people everywhere struggling to be noticed and fighting with their confidence to convince themselves that they shouldn't just crawl into their beds and never emerge.
...I wonder how long it will take me in the morning to either private post this or delete it...