A month (or so) in review.
I haven't really been communicating via LJ or documenting my thoughts here or anything lately, but in my notebook of the moment, while watching any kind of sport on TV or SPN on DVD and pretending to write. To me, there's something much more grafitying about writing on paper than typing on a keyboard. Feels more permanent, and like it took more work. My WIP notebooks have been by my side for 7ish years now, more and more filling up with random thoughts and musings than any productive writing. I'm deep into #10 now, and before I attempt - once again - to be around here more, here are some random thoughts from my current notebook:
4/21/13 2:20PM: I love Dean in "Jump the Shark." He's perfect. Even if there are some pitifully awful parts. Sometimes I hate how on the nose the writers construct their conversations. They spent 3 1/2-4 years building these characters and personalities and completely tear it all down to push the story of the week along. It's irritating. Writing isn't supposed to be convenient or easy. If it is, I'm doing it wrong. You don't take shortcuts just to clock out at the end of the day.
4/23/13 6:30ishPM: *Waiting for the pizza guy* So. Collateral Damage/Ghost in this Town/Untitled epic fic. Currently standing at 22,796 words, and that's missing a bunch. I think it's maybe halfway done. Originally thought I could maybe hit 100k, but if I can coast to 50k by the end of the calendar year I will put a giant tally in the "plus" column. I meant "win" column. Sorry, there's pizza on the way; I'm a tad distracted.
4/25/13 7:00PM: I'm incrediby tired today. Note the spelling of that non-word. Gonna do a little fic surfing and watch the draft. Probably go to bed early.
4/28/13 2:16PM: Well, I'm officially home alone for the week. He cried, which makes me feel very loved, and like a horrible girlfriend. Of course I'll miss him, epically, but I didn't cry when he left.
4/30/13 7:44AM: So, back in the front nine of season six, which is when they really first started deploying my least favorite conversational technique on the show. "Hey, remember that thing that happened last week? I'm going to bring it up really awkwardly without any segue."
7:31PM: Where am I going with this? Plot hole!!! Aggghhh!!
5/11/13 9:07PM: Trying to get the funny back. And keep myself sane. I really think our issues come from this huge part of my I've never let him be a part of. Well, some of the issues, anyway. There's still the whole passed out in the other room thing.
9:53PM: The other night I tried an ice breaker. Cashed in my guilt card for the month and got him to watch "Salvation" and "Devil's Trap." Cause I figured, if there's any stretch of eps that he can't argue the awesomeness of, it's "Salvation", "Devil's Trap", "In My Time of Dying", "Everybody Loves a Clown" and "Blood Lust." He fell asleep, which is just a perfect metaphor. Like, the most important non-human part of my life and it can't hold his interest. Writing stories about these characters has gotten me through some really BAD days. It's what I focus on most of the day, and he can't be interested at all.
5/12/13 10:15AM: I feel good today. I feel GREAT today. Zach said my letter was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for him. it wasn't supposed to be about him, it was about ME. But, okay, not the point. I feel good, finally. Maybe that's the point.
5/17/13 1:36PM: Got highlights AND a new padfolio. Now work. The good kind, that doesn't make me want to chop people up with a machete.
4:04PM: Okay, future me: I feel pretty good right now. Peaceful, not overly stressed with myself. Just strong, and with a clear view of things. That's not the type of feeling I'm used to having.
8:02PM: A little buzzed from the Green Apple Smirnoff shot and the 24oz Rasberry margarita but still feeling good about life. Getting my house in order. Being friendly to my friends and loving life. No complaints here.
5/26/13 4:46PM: LAZY. I tried. Day's not over yet, I suppose. Dinner is on his way. Zach is yapping on the phone even though he'll be home in like 10 minutes. I hate talking on the phone now. Phones are for texting and email. I will talk to you as soon as you get home, dude.
Any other big news? No, don't think so - OH WAIT. I'm friggin' BUYING THE HOUSE from him in order to cut the last remaining tie to el ex-wife (or E Dub, as we like to call her.) He's still going to be giving me the money for the morgage payments but the title and loan will be in MY name, and this whole situation is moving really quickly all of a sudden and kind of freaking me out and it seems so FINAL and PERMANENT and I DO understand that those two words mean the same thing but it's kinda warrented in this instance. I have felt more like a kid that past couple of years than I did when I WAS a kid, and now LIFE is happening and there's all this growing up to do and I'm just so not ready. This is what I get for being so dang mature as a teenager and shit. Live it up when you're kids, kids.
4/21/13 2:20PM: I love Dean in "Jump the Shark." He's perfect. Even if there are some pitifully awful parts. Sometimes I hate how on the nose the writers construct their conversations. They spent 3 1/2-4 years building these characters and personalities and completely tear it all down to push the story of the week along. It's irritating. Writing isn't supposed to be convenient or easy. If it is, I'm doing it wrong. You don't take shortcuts just to clock out at the end of the day.
4/23/13 6:30ishPM: *Waiting for the pizza guy* So. Collateral Damage/Ghost in this Town/Untitled epic fic. Currently standing at 22,796 words, and that's missing a bunch. I think it's maybe halfway done. Originally thought I could maybe hit 100k, but if I can coast to 50k by the end of the calendar year I will put a giant tally in the "plus" column. I meant "win" column. Sorry, there's pizza on the way; I'm a tad distracted.
4/25/13 7:00PM: I'm incrediby tired today. Note the spelling of that non-word. Gonna do a little fic surfing and watch the draft. Probably go to bed early.
4/28/13 2:16PM: Well, I'm officially home alone for the week. He cried, which makes me feel very loved, and like a horrible girlfriend. Of course I'll miss him, epically, but I didn't cry when he left.
4/30/13 7:44AM: So, back in the front nine of season six, which is when they really first started deploying my least favorite conversational technique on the show. "Hey, remember that thing that happened last week? I'm going to bring it up really awkwardly without any segue."
7:31PM: Where am I going with this? Plot hole!!! Aggghhh!!
5/11/13 9:07PM: Trying to get the funny back. And keep myself sane. I really think our issues come from this huge part of my I've never let him be a part of. Well, some of the issues, anyway. There's still the whole passed out in the other room thing.
9:53PM: The other night I tried an ice breaker. Cashed in my guilt card for the month and got him to watch "Salvation" and "Devil's Trap." Cause I figured, if there's any stretch of eps that he can't argue the awesomeness of, it's "Salvation", "Devil's Trap", "In My Time of Dying", "Everybody Loves a Clown" and "Blood Lust." He fell asleep, which is just a perfect metaphor. Like, the most important non-human part of my life and it can't hold his interest. Writing stories about these characters has gotten me through some really BAD days. It's what I focus on most of the day, and he can't be interested at all.
5/12/13 10:15AM: I feel good today. I feel GREAT today. Zach said my letter was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for him. it wasn't supposed to be about him, it was about ME. But, okay, not the point. I feel good, finally. Maybe that's the point.
5/17/13 1:36PM: Got highlights AND a new padfolio. Now work. The good kind, that doesn't make me want to chop people up with a machete.
4:04PM: Okay, future me: I feel pretty good right now. Peaceful, not overly stressed with myself. Just strong, and with a clear view of things. That's not the type of feeling I'm used to having.
8:02PM: A little buzzed from the Green Apple Smirnoff shot and the 24oz Rasberry margarita but still feeling good about life. Getting my house in order. Being friendly to my friends and loving life. No complaints here.
5/26/13 4:46PM: LAZY. I tried. Day's not over yet, I suppose. Dinner is on his way. Zach is yapping on the phone even though he'll be home in like 10 minutes. I hate talking on the phone now. Phones are for texting and email. I will talk to you as soon as you get home, dude.
Any other big news? No, don't think so - OH WAIT. I'm friggin' BUYING THE HOUSE from him in order to cut the last remaining tie to el ex-wife (or E Dub, as we like to call her.) He's still going to be giving me the money for the morgage payments but the title and loan will be in MY name, and this whole situation is moving really quickly all of a sudden and kind of freaking me out and it seems so FINAL and PERMANENT and I DO understand that those two words mean the same thing but it's kinda warrented in this instance. I have felt more like a kid that past couple of years than I did when I WAS a kid, and now LIFE is happening and there's all this growing up to do and I'm just so not ready. This is what I get for being so dang mature as a teenager and shit. Live it up when you're kids, kids.