Fear has no place here.
It seems inevitable that those things we fear most are often the things we most desperately require in our lives, as if just living day-to-day wasn't hard enough.
Today I nearly had a mental break. Living a life that orders me to expect perfection of myself has its good and its bad points. Constantly failing my own expectations has driven me to become a tougher, far more resilient individual. At times, I should argue, it has even led me to be too hardened. The shell I've built for myself is an ongoing reminder of the power of the mind, however, it is also a fateful reminder that at the end of the day, I struggle to be myself.
I struggle to be myself? I am a person who has capitalized on an air of individuality. I dare to say the things no others will say because they are too controversial or too outside the box. I sometimes struggle not to be offensive, all for the sake of living, acting, and most importantly, speaking honestly. Yet, this fact is overshadowed by the fact that while I am bathed in freeing truth-telling, I am not really being honest (most of the time) with myself.
What do I fear most? I fear that this shell I've created will finally succumb to the minute cracks that have been poked into it and come crashing to the ground leaving nothing be the real me, a version of myself I have come to both love and loathe, naked and vulnerable to the world. At the same time, I realize that I am comfortable with the real me, at least when it's just me alone with nobody to offer their judgment or suggest the necessary changes I should make to be a better part of the world around me.
I must admit, I am tired of trying to protect the world from myself. There is a version of my inner-most self that people used to love, embrace, and find pleasant. Why anyone would want to hide that is difficult to explain. Perhaps it is largely due to the fact that this person is also a weaker, less confident, more cautious, and far less entertaining individual.
On the plus side, however, this person is truly caring, deeply intelligent, easily amused, and despite some emotional sensitivity, often fairly happy-go-lucky. It's a friend I've missed for many years now? How did I ever let that go?
I am not going to say I am ready to let the shell drop, but I know I will have to be soon. I have to let my guard down. I want to feel like I can let people back into my life again. I am excited to open my heart to the world, to say "Here I am," regardless of the reaction. It is the scariest thing in my life, the last and the first thing I would ever want to happen.
Baby steps... one foot in front of the other.
Today I nearly had a mental break. Living a life that orders me to expect perfection of myself has its good and its bad points. Constantly failing my own expectations has driven me to become a tougher, far more resilient individual. At times, I should argue, it has even led me to be too hardened. The shell I've built for myself is an ongoing reminder of the power of the mind, however, it is also a fateful reminder that at the end of the day, I struggle to be myself.
I struggle to be myself? I am a person who has capitalized on an air of individuality. I dare to say the things no others will say because they are too controversial or too outside the box. I sometimes struggle not to be offensive, all for the sake of living, acting, and most importantly, speaking honestly. Yet, this fact is overshadowed by the fact that while I am bathed in freeing truth-telling, I am not really being honest (most of the time) with myself.
What do I fear most? I fear that this shell I've created will finally succumb to the minute cracks that have been poked into it and come crashing to the ground leaving nothing be the real me, a version of myself I have come to both love and loathe, naked and vulnerable to the world. At the same time, I realize that I am comfortable with the real me, at least when it's just me alone with nobody to offer their judgment or suggest the necessary changes I should make to be a better part of the world around me.
I must admit, I am tired of trying to protect the world from myself. There is a version of my inner-most self that people used to love, embrace, and find pleasant. Why anyone would want to hide that is difficult to explain. Perhaps it is largely due to the fact that this person is also a weaker, less confident, more cautious, and far less entertaining individual.
On the plus side, however, this person is truly caring, deeply intelligent, easily amused, and despite some emotional sensitivity, often fairly happy-go-lucky. It's a friend I've missed for many years now? How did I ever let that go?
I am not going to say I am ready to let the shell drop, but I know I will have to be soon. I have to let my guard down. I want to feel like I can let people back into my life again. I am excited to open my heart to the world, to say "Here I am," regardless of the reaction. It is the scariest thing in my life, the last and the first thing I would ever want to happen.
Baby steps... one foot in front of the other.