I know what you mean, because i read it, its just that i'm not sure that i can change what i feel inside because its so messed up right now. it was this constant feeling that i felt so long and it's just been way too much for me to handle in like, that last month or so, i've just totally broken myself down into little pieces that i can psycho-analyze on my wn free will, whether i want to or not. i dont know if you've ever been in the same situation as i have or whatever but i dont think anyone else should feel like i do at the moment because its just like, an all time low. its not where anyone should be.
i should probably start taking my medication. ah, i should so just be writing an entry about this rather than a comment in my own journal, but whatever, i'll just copy it into there later if i feel like doing so in the end. but like, okay. i don't know if you'd know what to say to a similar situation like mine, or what you would personally do in a situation like mine, or if we've even shared a situation like this.. but it's kinda like this.
ive fallen in love. that bullshit wanting to beat yourself over and over again because you do little, stupid fucking things over and over again, youd think youd get over it one time, but nooo, it just comes back and you beat yourself for doing it in the first place. im in love with one of my best friends. which has to be one of the worst things to do ever in one's life. it just messes up everything. especially when your best friend is in love with your other best friend. it's just all bullshit. So, i love her, yeah, it's sick. i shouldnt be allowed to because i know that i cant so i just want to stop. but everythig i stop, i push myself away from her and she doesnt want that, she's told me that so many times, but im just a fucking idiot and seeming to not get that in my head.
i told her i loved her too, that she meant everything to me, that i wanted to be with her for forever, but that doesn't matter. she doesn't want me. she told me so, whatever she feels for me is just on the basis of our friendship and wont progress into anything other than that. even if i want it to. no matter how much i want it to. i want to set myself free, you know? be able to feel the way i want to all the time. to be happy like everyone else, but im not. i haven't been.since i met her. i met her, fell slowly in love with her, i just don't feel like myself around her, like i have to hide myself. im sure you've been through the love heebie jeebies but like, i hadnt and havent and dont want to. i dont think ill ever progress to that point because the one person i want doesn't even want to CONSIDER having a relationship
so, the answer is simple...
find someone else. but i cant, i dont want anyone else. i want her. ive tried going out with Alex (my bandmate, one of the few guys i trust.) but i dont want him like i want her. GOD. shoot me now?
I've been in an all time low one to many times but Ive learned how to cover it with a well constructed mask, and only once in a while does it falter enough to let those around me know there is a problem. I don't pride myself on being able to hide emotions Im just not the type that does things for sympathy and you understand, Im sure you do because of what I've seen you write already on the issue.
As for love, there is that saying that good things come to those that wait, and sometimes it sounds far fetched but in the instance I was in.. it worked that way. Women are a strange catagory in themselves my best suggest for you is to be there anyway you can that she needs you, if you pressure to much she will run.. if you allow your friendship to mature and develope into more.. where a wanting/needing comes into place things will soon grow the way you want them to, not always but its a chance you have to take.. your not losing out on anything you dont originally have. keep faith my friend.
I have lousy advice but I am fighting my health right now and doing poorly, forgive my untimely response I would have commented a lot sooner but shows, and love interests keep me away when I would like to be around.
i should probably start taking my medication. ah, i should so just be writing an entry about this rather than a comment in my own journal, but whatever, i'll just copy it into there later if i feel like doing so in the end. but like, okay. i don't know if you'd know what to say to a similar situation like mine, or what you would personally do in a situation like mine, or if we've even shared a situation like this.. but it's kinda like this.
ive fallen in love. that bullshit wanting to beat yourself over and over again because you do little, stupid fucking things over and over again, youd think youd get over it one time, but nooo, it just comes back and you beat yourself for doing it in the first place. im in love with one of my best friends. which has to be one of the worst things to do ever in one's life. it just messes up everything. especially when your best friend is in love with your other best friend. it's just all bullshit. So, i love her, yeah, it's sick. i shouldnt be allowed to because i know that i cant so i just want to stop. but everythig i stop, i push myself away from her and she doesnt want that, she's told me that so many times, but im just a fucking idiot and seeming to not get that in my head.
i told her i loved her too, that she meant everything to me, that i wanted to be with her for forever, but that doesn't matter. she doesn't want me. she told me so, whatever she feels for me is just on the basis of our friendship and wont progress into anything other than that. even if i want it to. no matter how much i want it to. i want to set myself free, you know? be able to feel the way i want to all the time. to be happy like everyone else, but im not. i haven't been.since i met her. i met her, fell slowly in love with her, i just don't feel like myself around her, like i have to hide myself. im sure you've been through the love heebie jeebies but like, i hadnt and havent and dont want to. i dont think ill ever progress to that point because the one person i want doesn't even want to CONSIDER having a relationship
so, the answer is simple...
find someone else. but i cant, i dont want anyone else. i want her. ive tried going out with Alex (my bandmate, one of the few guys i trust.) but i dont want him like i want her. GOD. shoot me now?
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As for love, there is that saying that good things come to those that wait, and sometimes it sounds far fetched but in the instance I was in.. it worked that way. Women are a strange catagory in themselves my best suggest for you is to be there anyway you can that she needs you, if you pressure to much she will run.. if you allow your friendship to mature and develope into more.. where a wanting/needing comes into place things will soon grow the way you want them to, not always but its a chance you have to take.. your not losing out on anything you dont originally have. keep faith my friend.
I have lousy advice but I am fighting my health right now and doing poorly, forgive my untimely response I would have commented a lot sooner but shows, and love interests keep me away when I would like to be around.
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