I can't sleep because I think I broke my ass and it hurts to roll over. On the bright side, though, I will never complain that my life is boring ever again.
Yesterday I went to Coles (supermarket), armed with a short list of things to stock up on. It was nothing big. Just the usual things like bread, bottle of milk, replacement razor heads, and pack of toilet paper. And a large economy pack of sausages that were on special.
For the light shopper like me, Coles provides those nifty little red baskets you carry around on your arm. I managed to stuff mine full of my purchases when I headed down the aisle with the frozen foods in large freezers. Since I'd finished getting what I needed on the list, I'd tucked it away in my pocket and was browsing the freezer cabinets for something I could get for lunch. I had a frozen pizza or 4 pack of icecream in mind.
As any bachelor knows, this is one of the biggest questions in life, apart from "FHM or Ralph?", and I was debating mentally with myself when IT happened.
I say IT with emphasis I because it was truly something to remember. I was minding my own business when suddenly my feet flew out from underneath me, I went ass up, and I fell in slow motion to the floor. My basket flew up in an arc, and it was pure beauty to watch. Toilet paper bounced off some little old lady's head and hit the floor some 4 metres away. Razor blades flew into a nearby shopper's trolley. My bread went into orbit and the milk hit the floor with a bang and exploded, closely followed by a pack of discounted sausages that landed in my hair.
Turns out I had slipped on some kid's dropped Wendy's icecream, and I was sitting square on a pile of melted vanilla icecream with chocolate chips ingrained into my boardies.
I remained on the floor for a little while until I decided I hadn't broken my ass, and I slowly climbed to my feet, dripping milk and sausages that somehow came loose from their packaging and were hanging around my neck in a sort of meaty necklace. There had to be about 12 customers in the aisle with me, too, and they were all staring as I wrung my shirt dry, wiped the icecream off my butt and began to collect my things.
In the end, I ended up at the register with my milky bread, recaptured toilet paper and razorblades with half smushed sausages stuffed back into the packaging. My check out operator, Jackie, looked like she didn't know if she wanted to laugh or yell at me for dripping milk on her conveyor belt.
To make a long story short, I decided not to sue simply because I couldn't be bothered and the supervisor I spoke to looked about ready to cry even though I said I was all right... Though, I skinned my knee in the process and I'm positive my ass is broken. Or at least pissed at me for landing on it.
But, because I'm looking on the bright side, I admit the whole experience helped me to work out a problem of mine: I opted for pizza after all. It just came from Domino's this time.
[Thank you,
jason_behr, for my paid account. :) I'm really grateful! :)]