dimmer
Sometimes, I push past the doubt and feel a strong sense of hope for the future.
I guess I have to work on improving myself one step at a time. Small steps. I always try to do everything at once, which makes me lose sight of what I really want. In that one intense moment, I forget everything, which is dangerous.
I was thinking about changing my major to Computer Gaming Science- I thought, "wow, that would be so cool!" Then I looked it up- 4 years of advanced math classes, physics classes. I never excelled in math and I avoided physics in high school. I was so bummed out. There goes my chances of working for a video game company. My "cool" job prospect was pulled out from under me again, and I felt really useless. Seriously, math was preventing me from my dream job? l was so disappointed, and I'm still a little disappointed. But something changed. A strange sequence of events led me to look up Thailand. I realized the beauty of Thailand- its architecture, its art. I remembered why I'm doing what I'm doing. I love art, I love Asia. It's still sad to think I'm unsuited for a "smart" job- I think of all the people who are doctors and scientists and it makes me feel... worthless. I want to make money, I want a comfortable life. I want to be good at science. What if I just didn't apply myself in my math classes? I'm so discouraged. Then I remember, peace. Calm down. I'm just being me again; I'm trying to figure out everything at once, and I've convinced myself that I can only do things in a small time frame. Even though I'll have to work hard if I change majors, sometime I just have to let go and let things happen. I believe everything happens for a reason.
I have to remember why I'm doing the things I'm doing. I have to hold onto my passion.
So tomorrow I'm going to the library and be productive for (one of) the first time(s) this summer. I want to read classics, unbelievably. I miss feeling academic, I miss being challenged. I'm going to check out books about Thailand and Japan because I want to study abroad there. I'm going to try to find a book about the history of the Philippines so I know about where I come from.
Afterwards, I'm going to work out and sweat. It sounds crazy, but I like being sore- it's like having proof of having done something. I have to build endurance. I'm going to have a healthy mind and healthy body.
It's going to be a long road ahead.
I guess I have to work on improving myself one step at a time. Small steps. I always try to do everything at once, which makes me lose sight of what I really want. In that one intense moment, I forget everything, which is dangerous.
I was thinking about changing my major to Computer Gaming Science- I thought, "wow, that would be so cool!" Then I looked it up- 4 years of advanced math classes, physics classes. I never excelled in math and I avoided physics in high school. I was so bummed out. There goes my chances of working for a video game company. My "cool" job prospect was pulled out from under me again, and I felt really useless. Seriously, math was preventing me from my dream job? l was so disappointed, and I'm still a little disappointed. But something changed. A strange sequence of events led me to look up Thailand. I realized the beauty of Thailand- its architecture, its art. I remembered why I'm doing what I'm doing. I love art, I love Asia. It's still sad to think I'm unsuited for a "smart" job- I think of all the people who are doctors and scientists and it makes me feel... worthless. I want to make money, I want a comfortable life. I want to be good at science. What if I just didn't apply myself in my math classes? I'm so discouraged. Then I remember, peace. Calm down. I'm just being me again; I'm trying to figure out everything at once, and I've convinced myself that I can only do things in a small time frame. Even though I'll have to work hard if I change majors, sometime I just have to let go and let things happen. I believe everything happens for a reason.
I have to remember why I'm doing the things I'm doing. I have to hold onto my passion.
So tomorrow I'm going to the library and be productive for (one of) the first time(s) this summer. I want to read classics, unbelievably. I miss feeling academic, I miss being challenged. I'm going to check out books about Thailand and Japan because I want to study abroad there. I'm going to try to find a book about the history of the Philippines so I know about where I come from.
Afterwards, I'm going to work out and sweat. It sounds crazy, but I like being sore- it's like having proof of having done something. I have to build endurance. I'm going to have a healthy mind and healthy body.
It's going to be a long road ahead.