I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say (and you can't take back what you've taken away)
I'd stayed because I didn't know what else to do with myself. Had no money, had no real friends, had nothin' but my own damn self. Wasn't that always the way? Guess they weren't joking about all that she alone stuff, and sometimes I thought about goin' back to B. Showin' up in Rome just to say hey and then maybe settling down, ya know? Help out
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My first reaction? "Eww." My second? "How did you know about--"
"The demons?" Spike flicked his cigarette across the alley way, shrugged, "Percy. And before you get your knickers in a twist, he's not having you followed. He just wants to make sure you're safe, that's all."
I didn't answer. "You heard anything about Faith?"
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Same question, different night. I asked it all the time, hoping that someone had caught a glimpse. Was she still living in our apartment? Still in the city? Or had she gone? Given up, like I had?
Three months had passed. More. I wasn't too sure on the timelines any more, measured everything by the baby I was determined to keep. It sounded weird, saying that. Every other pregnancy had been-- Demon spawn. Child from hell. Higher Being giving birth to itself while it discarded my body like yesterdays news...
This one was different.
I'd had a billion tests done two, maybe three weeks ago. Felt like a human pincushion when they were done with the stabbing, the taking of blood. The results, they said, were unanimous. A baby. A healthy, human baby.
I should have been happy. I was relieved, I guess, it was great to know that my pregnancy wouldn't, like, shunt me into a coma or anything... But I wasn't happy.
Every day, I replayed what I'd said to Faith, the way I'd worded things. Every day, I wondered why I'd given up at the first hurdle and I told her-- I knew the answer. I didn't want to lose her, ever. I'd told myself I was doing the right thing, that letting her go was the only thing to do.
I'd been wrong.
It wasn't easy admitting that. It didn't just come to me suddenly when I was sitting in my motel, chowing down on a stale bite of popcorn, eyeing the bottle of Pepsi that had been left untouched last night.
It had taken weeks. Weeks of seeing her round every corner, weeks of dreaming of how good it had been and how I'd messed it all up. And then one day it just got too hard.
I'd used the fact that she was a slayer to give myself an easy out. I'd used it against her. I'd let her down, given up on her... And I only had myself to blame.
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"She's still livin' at that place you two had." Spike told me, "Saw her the other night fightin' some big bad."
"Was she okay?" I asked, hoping the answer was yes and hoping it was no all at the same time.
"Honestly?"
I nodded, biting my lip.
"Not really, pet. A guy can tell these things."
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I found myself outside of our apartment twenty minutes after my conversation with Spike. I hadn't asked him why she wasn't okay, hadn't asked him what she looked like or even how she'd acted. My first thought had been Faith and when I got here, looked at all the lights turned out, I sat down to wait.
What would she say when she saw me? What would I say? Ask her how she was, how she'd been? Tell her about my little predicament? The truth was, I had no idea. I just wanted to see her. I wanted to see whether there was anything left to salvage after I'd screwed up so bad.
I waited an hour, my stomach rolling. It wasn't nerves, I knew that. Okay-- Maybe it was a little bit. But mostly? It was morning sickness. Sorry, scratch that, morning, afternoon and night sickness. In a word? It was kicking my ass. And if Faith didn't get home soon, I'd probably--
"Keep the change."
My heart leapt when I heard that voice. I knew that voice, had dreamt it every single night for the last ever. That voice, asking me to stay, telling me she loved me. I moved away from the wall, unfolded my arms and watched, struck dumb as she made her way up the walkway with-- Another girl. Someone else. They were drunk, practically falling over each other... And her hands. The girl's. They were on Faith. Holding her possessively like-- Like I used to hold her.
"Cordelia?"
My heart plummeted, my shoulders slumping forward so fast that I thought I might hit the floor. I felt so stupid. What had I expected, that I'd come here and find Faith all mopey and wallowey and shit?
God. I was so, so stupid. And it wasn't like I could fault her for going out and getting someone new because, hello, pregnant. I'd done it. I just hadn't intended on keeping it around (well at least not all of it).
"I-I guess you're busy." I whispered, surprised to find that my voice actually worked. I ignored them both and pushed past them, getting down off the stairs and away.
One, two, three... Measured steps. Don't let them see that this hurts. Except when I reached the end of the walkway, my body didn't care about any of that and it was either run or dry-heave and cry right there where Faith could see me.
So I ran. I ran until my lungs burned and the blood was pumping in my ears and-- I couldn't see anymore. All I could see was Faith and that girl and it was making me insane. I was jealous, I was hurt... I was everything. And when the hand landed on my arm I spun, throwing my entire body into a roundhouse kick taught me by Angel that knocked my attacker right on their ass.
"I-- Faith?" I was concerned for about a millisecond, until I remembered what I'd saw, "Where's your girlfriend?" I asked, coldly.
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Finally I caught up with her after runnin' way too far, my fingers closing down around her arm.
"Corde-" I was cut off with a quick high kick that slammed into my chest and sent me tumbling down to the pavement on the sidewalk. Fuck. If I wasn't drunk I totally could've blocked that. I could have! Probably. I glared up at her as she had to make her little comment about my girlfriend?
My girlfriend? Sorry, only ever had one of those and she up and bailed on me. Decided she just couldn't hack it because there was a possibility I might not live to see little old ladyhood.
"She's not my girlfriend." I finally snapped out at her as I pulled myself up from the sidewalk and continued glaring up at her. I'd missed her so much and now that she was here I was just mostly pissed off. Pissed that she'd just walked out on me just like that. Like I'd never really meant a god damn thing to her. Fine. So I pick myself up off the ground, I dust myself off, I move on, right? In theory sure, but it never really worked that way. Besides, way she was lookin' at me? I shoulda been home pining away for her and knitting booties for our future children. Did she even know me at all?
"I'm not the one who walked out, so don't even go tryin' to make me feel guilty for Al....Allie." I think. Close enough to her real name, right? Why did it even matter and why was I so dead set on pissin' Cordelia off right now? Oh right! Cause she fucking left me! Just like everyone else did. I was just stupid for ever thinkin' she was different than them.
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My irritation grew tenfold as Faith picked herself up off the sidewalk, dusting herself off as if it were the most natural thing in the world to have your former girlfriend kick you like that.
I was under no illusions, half-demon or not Faith would wipe the floor with me in a fight - hell, even I wouldn't take bets on me... But all of a sudden I could just see us throwing down, as she called it, right here in the middle of the street.
That was the funny thing about pain, I thought, the more you had? The more you wanted to inflict on other people - especially the ones who'd made you hurt in the first place.
"I'm not the one who walked out, so don't even go tryin' to make me feel guilty for Al...Allie."
"You don't even know her name," I spat, realising my earlier analogy of girlfriend had been way wrong. Oh, Faith had gone out and got herself someone new all right but for all I knew it was a different someone every night. At least with me it'd been one and I'd had the good graces to-- What, get knocked up by him? I winced.
"I was stupid for coming back here."
Why the hell had I come back here? Because Spike told me that she wasn't okay? Because I'd wanted to see her? Because I'd been stupid and I wanted to make it okay?
Because I'd missed her.
Everything hurt. I tried to focus on that, push past it and salvage at least a little bit of my dignity in all of this but I couldn't do it. My pride? Shot to pieces. It had been shot to pieces the minute I'd realised I was wrong, the minute I'd realised that I should have never bailed on her.
I'd expected her to move on. I'd expected her to not lie around and mope and do the general shit I'd been doing - she alone, remember? She'd told me that. She was out to have fun on the way, and I was surprised at that because? This was Faith. It had always been her motto. I just hadn't exactly wanted to witness her fun in action.
"I was wrong, Faith." It sounded so... So naked saying it like that. She looked at me surprised, and I would have smiled if my heart didn't feel like it was in my mouth right now. Since when did Cordelia Chase ever admit she was wrong?
"That's why I came here. That's what I came to tell you. I was wrong for a lot of things. Walking out, bailing on you, leaving it 'til then to tell you how I felt, I- I was wrong. It just took me a while to figure it out." I sighed. I hadn't figured on my being too late to make it okay again. I thought, stupidly, that I'd just come back here and make things all okay again.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
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Clenching my teeth I was suddenly glad I'd drank way too much tonight cause if I was sober? I might have just popped her one in the teeth just cause I could. Just cause I hated lookin' at her! It wasn't fair! Why was she here? She used to be mine and then she just up and left me and now she was talkin' about how stupid it was for her to come here. Well, no shit!
I was about to tell her as much when she said it.
"I was wrong, Faith."
Just like that, she was wrong. And then before I could even interject with anything she started goin' on about how she was wrong cause she walked out on me. She was wrong.
No one had ever said that to me before. Not even Buffy who'd managed to almost kill me on more than one occasion. I'd apologized to her and then she'd threatened to beat me to death. But never once did I hear an apology, or an admission of wrongdoing. Nothing. No one. Cordelia was sayin' it to me now and I didn't even know how to react to it. Fuck me, I wanted to just wrap my arms around her and drag her back inside the house and never let her leave again. But that would be wrong. Pesky fucking morals.
So, hwo did I react to that? Instantly I felt myself start to retreat into that familiar defensive shell. Because I hated it, with a fucking passion. It made the other half of me want to slam her head into the pavement over and over again until she'd stop lookin' at me like that! Nothin' I hated worse than lettin' someone see me. The real me, and not the game face I had a tendency to put on for everyone. I hated lettin' someone else control me, made me feel all vulnerable and yep, really wantin' to be smashin' faces right about now.
I shrugged sullenly, movin' my eyes away from her's. So what? I was actin' like a little kid but she fucking hurt me! I didn't wanna give her the oppurtunity to do it again.
"Okay. So.....fine." I finally finished lamely, realizing that I wasn't helping. Not even a little bit. "You were wrong. Not like that changes anything. I gave you an out and you took it. Nothin' really left to say about it."
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It wasn't to be.
You heard those words when things fell apart, didn't you? My acting career? Wasn't to be. Pesky visions got in the way. College? Wasn't to be. Daddy hadn't paid his taxes in the last ever.
"Okay. So.....fine. You were wrong. Not like that changes anything. I gave you an out and you took it. Nothin' really left to say about it."
"It changes everything, Faith," I said, stepping forward, trying to make her see. I'd walked out on her once - twice, when I'd saw her with that girl - I couldn't walk out a third time, not before I said what I had to.
"At least... It does for me. I was stupid. I was wrong and stupid a-and that's what I came here to tell you tonight. That I-- That I wanted you back, if you'd have me. That I'd missed you. That I meant what I said three months ago. Without you everything's just... It's just pointless and I'd rather have two months of that than none at all. I just... I figured it out wrong. Probably too late, judging by the look on your face."
If she wanted to hit me? I'd take it. She'd probably knock me into next week but whatever, it wasn't like I didn't deserve it. I just didn't want to turn around and walk away again. I guess that was the part where I was becoming a stubborn ass because all of a sudden? I didn't know how to walk away from her, not any more.
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I met her gaze steadily, tilting my chin up slightly as she stepped towards me. It was the most honest look I'd ever seen on her and where Cordelia was concerned everything was usually brutally honest.
Kinda knew I was bein' dumb but hey, bein' dumb was my middle name. I was just puttin' myself in another position to get let down. To get hurt. That never brought out the best in my personality and I vaguelly wondered if I actually had a best of my personality. But I did, it came out when she was around. Sometimes. Just ain't been the same without her. Also wondered if maybe I'd just cling to the only thing that showed me even just a little bit of affection. I didn't know, but I knew I was here to have fun, and I couldn't think of anyone more fun than Cordy. Even when she was bein' a control freak (which was like every other minute).
"It's not too late." I finally said after a long beat, instinctively lettin' my fingers close around her arm like she was mine again. Was she mine this time? I didn't know but I wanted to find out.
I realized right then and there that I was partially the stupid one here. I'd let her just walk out like that, testing her to see if she'd really do it. Then I just had to be prepared when she actually followed through with it.
Pullin' her towards me, I pressed my mouth to her's just wantin' to remember what the real deal tasted like. The familiar comfort of her lips instead of some wannabe's. Finally I let her go and gave her a long hard look.
"Ready to go home?" It was finally gonna be home again, the two of us. Just hasn't felt like home, hadn't felt right since she left.
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It wasn't exactly the easiest revelation I'd ever had. Finding out I was pregnant was a synch compared to realising I'd thrown away the best thing I'd ever had, even before finding out that my baby was 100% human... Now this. She was going to walk away. I tried to steel myself, tried to plaster on a brave face so that this time she could be the one to walk away... And then she said it.
It's not too late.
Her hand closed around my arm and then... God, that mouth. Her taste. Her smile. I'd remembered it all so easily. I'd missed it all so much. And when she kissed me I felt a tiny fluttering inside. It felt like my heart was finally starting to beat again.
"Ready to go home?"
I almost cried when she said that. Emotional rollercoaster, thy name was Cordelia Chase. And then the dark cloud passed. I remembered why I was emotional, why I'd wanted to pound Alice? Aggie? Whatever the hell her name was. I'd watched her with her hands all over my damn girl and I'd wanted to pound her into the floor.
"I-I've got something to tell you." I whispered. "And I can't go home with you until I say it..."
This could all turn around right now. She could walk away and never look back because, seriously, what kind of lesbian was I?
In my defence, I was drunk and missing Faith so badly that I'd gone out and tried to replace her with something else. Something the exact opposite of her. Blonde, blue eyes... A guy.
Everything she wasn't.
"I'm-- I'm pregnant, Faith."
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Pressing my lips into a thin line I was prepared to hear anything. I was almost prepared to hear anything because what came out of her lips next? Really wasn't what I was prepared to hear at all. She was pregnant? By who? Clearly not by me, cause last time I checked I didn't exactly have the junk to help her out with that. But I remembered having this conversation with her, the mornin' after we first hooked up. She started freaking out about demon pregnancies leavin' me goin' what the fuck? Turned out Cor had a thing for gettin' knocked up by demons and endin' up in comas. Thank fucking God I only tended to get thrown off of rooftops and nearly stabbed to death before I got sent to coma land.
"Pregnant? Are you sure?" I asked her suspiciously. She coulda hooked up with anyone and just gotten totally freaked out and paranoid and convinced herself that she was pregnant. It wasn't like I was expecting her not to hook up while we were broken up, I guess I just hadn't expected such a permanant reminder. Hell, hafl the reason I think Queen C started hittin' for the other team was cause she was terrified about gettin' knocked up again. Couldn't blame the girl.
But one look in her eyes told me that it was very real, and she knew it for sure. She was gonna be a Mom and I was gonna be a....what? A Dad? Yeah fucking right, who'd trust me to raise up their kids, ya know? Didn't know shit about kids except for how not to be, had a pretty good role model for that one. Why would she come back here now? Why would she want me now that there was a kid in the mix? I just didn't understand it cause you had to be totally off your rocker to want some small child hangin' out with me, the Queen of bad influences. Minus the queen part.
"What happened to the father?" I asked after a long beat, wondering if I was gonna have to be sharing Cordelia with some guy. Wait a second, that sounded way too much like I wanted in on this deal. And if there was one thing I was sure I should never do it was be a parent to anybody.
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Okay, so it didn't even remotely resemble a baby right now. Fact was it looked like a peanut or something about as big... And nowhere near as scary.
Baby. Mommy. Me. Faith. I had no idea where she fit into all this, no real idea where *I* fit into all this even though, hello, mother. I was just gonna start looking on it as a blessing if my kid didn't try to kill me or put me in a coma or something.
"What happened to the father?"
I glanced at her when she asked that and shook my head slowly. "No idea. He was just some guy, Faith. I was drunk, stupid and he was-- Well, there."
I was fairly sure we'd used something during all of that but considering how drunk I was? I'd probably never know. I'd barely even caught his name. "He was gone by the time I woke up the next morning," I tell her, shaking my head, "And I was glad. I didn't even realise I was pregnant until I got my ass handed to me on a plate by some demon and Wesley did his whole 'lets interfere with Cordy's life *again*' gig and ran 'tests'..."
I frowned at that, still unsure that Wolfram and Hart wouldn't have, like, put electric sensors in me to keep tabs on me and my baby or something. Bastards. I wouldn't put it past them, actually.
"And then I was talking to Spike and he mentioned how not okay you were and-- Here I am. Pregnant. Getting way more with the sick than any of my other pregnancies and... And pretty much hoping that you're not gonna tell me to take a hike." I breathed out.
Moment of truth. I didn't blame Faith if she kicked my ass to the curb right here and now but-- Everything was out in the open. She knew everything. It was up to her.
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Me.
Hell, I was used to comin' in second place to both Buffy and Angel but sometimes it really pissed me off. And Wesley was the one who ran tests on her? Wes as in 'I still work for Wolfram and Hart' Wes? Who even knew if it was true than, or what was goin' on with her. Because could we not forget the part about the evil lawfirm? The one that chased us both across the city and back for a wicked long time before they finally managed to get Angel to commit some kinda stupid ass suicide in a quest for...what? What exactly had Angel died for? Because I had the feeling if he hadn't, I wouldn't be the one gettin' a midnight visit from Cordelia lookin' for a father for her baby.
Oh wait. Angel was immortal, so she probably wouldn't have left him cause hey. He'd outlast us all. If only that theory had actually held up. Then I wouldn't even be here, and neither would she. I had no idea where either one of us would be, but I knew she'd be with him. Not that I exactly blamed her, if I had a choice to be with me or Angel I'd pick Angel too. But he was dead and I was here.
"And then I was talking to Spike and he mentioned how not okay you were and--"
My eyes widened and I gave her an incredulous look. Who the fuck did Spike think he was tellin' her that I wasn't okay? Alright, so maybe I wasn't but that wasn't any of his business. He was CEO of evil incorporated and I'd tried to work with the Angel wannabe as little as I could. Course bein' a slayer in L.A. kinda made that difficult sometimes but when I did work with him? I was fine, I mean...I was. Fine.
"What?" I demanded, my voice way too loud as I shook my head. "I was okay! I'm fine. I mean, better than fine. Good even." Yeah right. Like she was even about to believe that and why had I decided right now was the best time possible to be a stubborn bitch about this whole thing. Oh right! Cause Spike was stickin' in his nose into my business.
Taking a deep breath I ran my hand through my hair before lookin' at her, cause I had no idea what to say. Was I supposed to just jump right back into some kinda relationship with her knowin' what I do now? I mean, it wasn't even like I'd ever even done the relationship thing before she came around. Mostly it was just a nail and bail kinda thing.
"I'm not goin'.....I don't know, Cordy. We need to find out what Wolfram and Hart did to you when they ran those tests. Somehow get our hands on the test records."
Notice how I wasn't really committing to anything. Oh yeah, I'm wicked sly.
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She was still the same Faith. Her hair was a bit longer, the set of her jaw was tighter-- But underneath all of that she was still Faith. Still mine, whispered a tiny voice inside of me and I pushed it away, not letting myself hope for a second.
I knew what hope did to you.
"So you were good." I said, unable to stop my eyebrow from arching. I didn't believe it for a second. I hadn't believed it when I'd been telling myself that I was the okay one, that I was getting by - why should I believe her?
We stood there for a moment, the silence spreading between us. I knew what she was thinking. Not that I'd gone all mind-ready with the pregnancy or anything but-- Hypocrite, much? I get all twisted and bent out of shape when I see her with her floozy and now I'm pregnant. Knocked up. Up the-- Stoppit.
Baby. Human. Not going evil and hijacking your body. I took a few deep breaths and waited for her to say something, God, anything. If she was gonna kick me to the curb then, really, could she do it fast? Band aid style? Maybe then it'd hurt less. Yeah. I didn't think so either.
"I'm not goin'.....I don't know, Cordy. We need to find out what Wolfram and Hart did to you when they ran those tests. Somehow get our hands on the test records."
"Well that's easy," I murmured, "We can just torture Spike or something." Which wasn't actually as funny as I'd have hoped. Spike and I had sort of... Well, he wasn't as annoying as he was when he'd first started following me around. Maybe.
Not that I was jonesing to work for the guy - hell would have to freeze over twice for that to happen - but he wasn't as annoying as I'd once pegged him. And he had told me about Faith and--
I looked at her, realisation dawning slowly. "You said we."
We need to find out what Wolfram and Hart did to you when they ran those tests.
"We as in... You and me?" That we? Because seriously, if she meant '*that* we? I'd admit to my mistakes more often. Like, all of them. Because maybe.... Maybe I hadn't lost her after all.
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If anybody over there fucked with her? So help me God I will go back to prison because I was gonna have to murder someone.
"Don't know if Spike's our best bet actually, if we wanna get to Wolfram and Hart we should probably start with...the brains." And much less brawn might we add since this was Wes I was referring to. Wasn't worried about that part, gettin' the stuff would be easy. Findin' out what exactly has been happenin' to Cordy? That might be harder to deal with even a best case scenario kinda sense.
"I can track him down and ask him some questions make the right threats and...." I trailed off as I realized she was just staring at me now. Staring at me like I was a drunk idiot on the side of the street, which actually I was. So that was fair. "What?"
"You said we."
And? I raised an eyebrow at her really wishin' she'd either get to the point or jump off the subject already. I sorta prefered the second choice because that meant I didn't have to actually think about or deal with that part yet.
"Yes. You and...and me. You're gonna need someone to help you out with this, I don't think you should be fighting or anything when you're all...." I waved my fingers at her mid-section. ",knocked up."
Way to gloss right over the important parts, Faith. Like how you're terrified that she even came to you with this. Because somehow? You're bound to fuck it up.
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And there's this tiny little bubble of happiness growing inside of me. I can't help it. I'm pregnant and things are really fucked up in that respect but-- Faith wants to help me. She said 'we' and Jesus Christ on a moped if I'm not the most emotional pregnant chick in the world right now because, honestly? I could actually cry, I'm that relieved.
"Yes. You and...and me. You're gonna need someone to help you out with this, I don't think you should be fighting or anything when you're all....knocked up."
It's strange because I don't even mind that. I don't mind that she's being protective and, okay, a little stupid because hello? Been fighting since I found out I was 'knocked up' - not a lack of nasties hanging around, ya know?
But I don't mind. I'm willing to go along with anything just as long as I get to make it up to her, make her see that I love her and I'm not leaving her again. Ever.
"Okay," I nod, skipping over the surprise plain on her face, "Fine. Just-- Tell me what you want me to do. I'll do it." I shrugged. Was it entirely wrong to hope that what she wanted was me kissing her at some point? Focus, Cor.
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Right about now I really wish I hadn't drank so much tonight. Not that it really mattered though because I usually made my best decisions when I wasn't thinkin' too clearly. And by best decisions I clearly mean worst because most of my decisions have always been bad, they've always gotten me into trouble. Somehow I didn't mind the idea of Cordelia Chase gettin' me into trouble though. As long as she wasn't goin' nowhere on me again.
"Can we finish this talk at home? Feelin' kinda weird havin' it in the middle of the street." Giving her a questioning look I finally reached over and took her hand again waitin' for that nod to signal that we were really gonna go home. Hopefully there wouldn't be anymore surprises to spring on me in the middle of the street before we could do that. But she just nodded and I started gently pullin' her back down the block and towards the house.
By the time we got there, I saw Allie passed out and sprawled out across our front porch and I had to suppress the urge to just kinda laugh at her. I was gonna at least give her some cab money and send her on her merry way but she looked kinda comfy drunk and passed out there. With a shrug I stepped over and waited for Cordelia to do the same as I unlocked our front door and the two of us stepped inside. I'd pretty much left it the way she'd decorated it only I was kinda on the messy side so ya know..... Place wasn't exactly as clean as she'd kept it. Not that I felt bad about it, considering she was the one who left. But was I really the person she wanted helpin' to raise her kid?
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I resisted the urge of the giddy 'maybe-my-life-doesn't-suck-all-that-much' smile and let Faith pull me down the street, her hand warm in mine.
We were going home. I was pregnant and I'd fucked up way beyond the norm of Cordelia-fuck-ups but things seemed like maybe they were okay. It seemed like maybe we could get back from this.
I actually felt kinda sorry for the girl we stepped over - Allie, Aggie, whatever. Faith shrugged and I followed, smiling as I stepped in our house. It was messy, unkempt and obviously lived in by a Faith who wasn't as anal about mess as I was-- But it was home and when Faith closed the door I turned and pulled her to me, pressing my lips to hers. "I've been wanting to do that since the minute I saw you." I whispered, which was stretching the truth a little since she'd been with the girl on her porch but-- Damn, I'd missed her. Stretching the truth, I could do.
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