I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say (and you can't take back what you've taken away)
I'd stayed because I didn't know what else to do with myself. Had no money, had no real friends, had nothin' but my own damn self. Wasn't that always the way? Guess they weren't joking about all that she alone stuff, and sometimes I thought about goin' back to B. Showin' up in Rome just to say hey and then maybe settling down, ya know? Help out with the mini-slayers, maybe let Giles show me some weapons, Xander can entertain me with lame jokes and Dawn can just annoy the hell outta me like she always did. Wouldn't be so bad. But for some reason I never went. Okay, it wasn't just some reason. It was the reason. Nobody could ever just accept me for who I was or what I was. Tried to make it up to B, and she couldn't deal with it. Couldn't deal with me. Least Buffy had the familiar comforts of understanding what it meant to be a slayer. Everybody else? They just couldn't hack it, couldn't stick around to watch it. Nobody could ever love me that much, enough to make it worth it. Enough to stick around.
I told her where the door was and I just watched and waited. I didn't stand up to stop her, I didn't do a damn thing because I knew how this story ended. I didn't get the nice fucking fairytale ending, there couldn't possibly be someone out there for me. Cared enough about Faith to not hit the road at the first fucking obstacle. That shiny happy shit was for B and Cordelia guess as soon as she found someone else. She probably already had someone else, I didn't have a clue. And it wasn't like I cared or anything. I mean, if I cared wouldn't I have gone lookin' for her? Big city but I was pretty sure I could track her down if I tried hard enough. Sometimes I wanted to wicked bad, just to make sure she was safe and all. Think if she ever knew that I worried about her safety she'd come back here and run a stake through my heart. Literally.
So for months it was just the same thing over and over again. Livin' off David in the apartment that I used to share with Queen C. Sleepin' all day, slaying and hittin' up every dive club in L.A. all night. Long leggy brunette after long leggy brunette and then nothing but a shower and a smoke before I kicked their asses out the next morning. Because none of 'em were her, and as much as that was kinda the point it didn't stop it from stinging in the morning. I just wanted to be over it! Why couldn't I fucking get over it? Probably because Cordy was the only one who really gave a shit about me. She was just like the rest of 'em, like Angel and my very first Watcher. When things got tough they just couldn't stay, they had to leave.
Hung out with Dave Nabbit a few times, mostly cause he kept my ass comfortable. Paid for my apartment, all my food and pretty much everything I owned. Kinda felt bad about it sometimes but only cause Cordelia had always felt guilty about it. But I figure I go out into the city every night, kill hundred of vamps and demons all the time. I got a job, just one that doesn't pay for shit. So hey if Dave's got a ton of cash just layin' around and he wanted to put my ass up? Wasn't gonna stop him. Even sorta gave seducing him a half-assed try but he didn't even really seem interested, or like he'd know what to do with a woman. Asked him if he was a fag or what, but he just got all blushy and offered me some kool-aid. Guess that answered that question.
Yep, life was wicked boring and even more lonely but I was used to that. The lonely part that is, I used to cure the boredom by gettin' myself into trouble. Hey, it wasn't like I was past all that, still got myself into a fair amount of trouble. This time I just decided not to go crazy and kill a bunch of people because I'd been down that road before and I knew how short it was. So I stopped myself even though sometimes I was sure it would be the easiest road to take. No more Angel to stop me from goin' totally over the edge til I ended up gettin' myself seriously killed. No more anyone.
One night I met some tall brunette cheerleader type at one of the clubs I'd started frequenting that was pretty close to my apartment. Think her name was Alex, or Alice or Allison. Hell, if I knew but I knew I was gonna fuck her and so I brought her home with me. I knew she could taste the alcohol on my tongue as my fingers and hands explored the length of her body in the backseat of the cab. I somehow managed to hand a wad of cash to the cabbie in between making out with Alice or whatever her name was. We were all drunken roaming hands and teeth and tongue as we made our way up to the walkway. She started to stumble a little bit on the steps but I quickly grabbed her, a giggle escaping her lips as I helped her up the stairs.
Teetering a little bit on my feet I tried to hold up Alice while I pulled my keys out of my pocket. I was just about to open the door when I noticed someone was standing nearby. Someone who wasn't me or Alice, Alice who I was practically carrying by now.
My heart skipped a beat and my voice dried up in my throat. What was she doing here? Was I imagining her? Why did she have to show up on my front porch when I had some washed up whore on my arm?
"Cordelia?"
I told her where the door was and I just watched and waited. I didn't stand up to stop her, I didn't do a damn thing because I knew how this story ended. I didn't get the nice fucking fairytale ending, there couldn't possibly be someone out there for me. Cared enough about Faith to not hit the road at the first fucking obstacle. That shiny happy shit was for B and Cordelia guess as soon as she found someone else. She probably already had someone else, I didn't have a clue. And it wasn't like I cared or anything. I mean, if I cared wouldn't I have gone lookin' for her? Big city but I was pretty sure I could track her down if I tried hard enough. Sometimes I wanted to wicked bad, just to make sure she was safe and all. Think if she ever knew that I worried about her safety she'd come back here and run a stake through my heart. Literally.
So for months it was just the same thing over and over again. Livin' off David in the apartment that I used to share with Queen C. Sleepin' all day, slaying and hittin' up every dive club in L.A. all night. Long leggy brunette after long leggy brunette and then nothing but a shower and a smoke before I kicked their asses out the next morning. Because none of 'em were her, and as much as that was kinda the point it didn't stop it from stinging in the morning. I just wanted to be over it! Why couldn't I fucking get over it? Probably because Cordy was the only one who really gave a shit about me. She was just like the rest of 'em, like Angel and my very first Watcher. When things got tough they just couldn't stay, they had to leave.
Hung out with Dave Nabbit a few times, mostly cause he kept my ass comfortable. Paid for my apartment, all my food and pretty much everything I owned. Kinda felt bad about it sometimes but only cause Cordelia had always felt guilty about it. But I figure I go out into the city every night, kill hundred of vamps and demons all the time. I got a job, just one that doesn't pay for shit. So hey if Dave's got a ton of cash just layin' around and he wanted to put my ass up? Wasn't gonna stop him. Even sorta gave seducing him a half-assed try but he didn't even really seem interested, or like he'd know what to do with a woman. Asked him if he was a fag or what, but he just got all blushy and offered me some kool-aid. Guess that answered that question.
Yep, life was wicked boring and even more lonely but I was used to that. The lonely part that is, I used to cure the boredom by gettin' myself into trouble. Hey, it wasn't like I was past all that, still got myself into a fair amount of trouble. This time I just decided not to go crazy and kill a bunch of people because I'd been down that road before and I knew how short it was. So I stopped myself even though sometimes I was sure it would be the easiest road to take. No more Angel to stop me from goin' totally over the edge til I ended up gettin' myself seriously killed. No more anyone.
One night I met some tall brunette cheerleader type at one of the clubs I'd started frequenting that was pretty close to my apartment. Think her name was Alex, or Alice or Allison. Hell, if I knew but I knew I was gonna fuck her and so I brought her home with me. I knew she could taste the alcohol on my tongue as my fingers and hands explored the length of her body in the backseat of the cab. I somehow managed to hand a wad of cash to the cabbie in between making out with Alice or whatever her name was. We were all drunken roaming hands and teeth and tongue as we made our way up to the walkway. She started to stumble a little bit on the steps but I quickly grabbed her, a giggle escaping her lips as I helped her up the stairs.
Teetering a little bit on my feet I tried to hold up Alice while I pulled my keys out of my pocket. I was just about to open the door when I noticed someone was standing nearby. Someone who wasn't me or Alice, Alice who I was practically carrying by now.
My heart skipped a beat and my voice dried up in my throat. What was she doing here? Was I imagining her? Why did she have to show up on my front porch when I had some washed up whore on my arm?
"Cordelia?"