A George Carlin Selection
where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? have you noticed this? the media constantly doing stories about the latest infections? e colie, hantavirus, west nile? and americans panic so easily, so now everybody's running around, scrubbing this, spraying that, overcooking their food, and repeatedly washing their hands; trying to avoid all contact with germs.
its ridiculous, and it goes to ridiculous lengths. in prisons-and this is true-in prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. its true! well, they dont want you to get an infection. and you can see their point: wouldnt want some guy to go to hellAnd be sick! it would take a lot of the sport out of the whole execution.
fear of germs. buncha fuckin pussies. you cant even get a decent hanburger anymore; they cook the shit out of everything, because everyones afraid of food poisoning. hey, wheres your sense of adventure? take a fuckin chance! you know how many people die from food poisoning in this country every year? nine thousand! thats all! its a minor risk. take a fuckin chance. buncha goddam pussies!
besides, what do you think you have an immune system for? its for killin germs. but it needs practice. it needs germs to practice on. so if you kill all the germs around you and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, your not going to be prepared.
and never mind ordinary germs, what are you gonna do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit? ill tell you what your gonna do. your gonna get sick, your gonna die, and your gonna deserve it, because youre fuckin weak and youve got a fuckin weak immune system.
let me tell you a true story about immunization. when i was a little boy in new york city in the 40's, we swam in the hudson river. and it was filled with raw sewage. okay? we swam in raw sewage! you know, to cool off.
at that time the big fear was polio; thousands of kids died from polio every year. but you know somethin? in my neighborhood no one ever got polio. no one. ever! you know why? because we swam in raw sewage! it strengthened our immune systems. the polio never had a prayer; we were tempered in raw shit!
so, personally, i never take any special precautions against germs. i dont shy away from people who sneeze and cough, i dont wipe off the phone, i dont cover the toilet seat, and if i drop food on the floor, i pick it up and eat it. even if im at a sidewalk cafe. in calcutta. the poor section. on noew years morning during a soccer riot.
and you know something? in spite of all that so called riskybehavior, i never get infections. i just dont get em folks. i dont get colds, i dont get flu, and i dont get food poisoning. and you know why? because i have a good strong, immune system, and it gets a lot of practice.
my immune system is equipped with the biological equivilent of fully automatic, military assault rifles with night vision and laser scopes. and we have recently aquired phosphorous grenades, cluster bombs, and anti-personnel frag mines.
so, when my white blood cells are on patrol, reconnoitering my blood stream, seeking out strangers and other undesirables, if they see an-ANY- suspicious looking germs of any kind, they dont fuck around. they whip out the weapons, wax the motherfucker, and deposite the unlucky fellopw directly into my colon! directly into my colon! theres no nonsense. theres no miranda warning, theres none of that three stikes your out shit. first offense, BAM! into the colon you go.
and soeaking of my colon, i want you to know i dont always automatically wash my hands every time i go to the bathroom. can you deal with that? sometimes i do, sometimes i dont. you know when i wash my hands? when i shit on them! thats the only time. and you know how oftem that happens? Tops-tops- two, three times a week. Tops! maybe a little more frequently over the holidays. you know what i mean?
and ill tell you something else, my well-scrubbed friends. you dont always need a shower every day. did you know that? its overkill. unless you work out, or work outdoors, or for some reason come in intimate contact with huge ammounts of filth and garbage every day, you dont always need a shower.
all you really need is to wash the four key areas: armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth! got that? the hooker's bath. armpits, asshole, croth, and teeth. in fact, you can save yourselfe a whole lot of time if you simply use the same brush on all four areas!
its ridiculous, and it goes to ridiculous lengths. in prisons-and this is true-in prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. its true! well, they dont want you to get an infection. and you can see their point: wouldnt want some guy to go to hellAnd be sick! it would take a lot of the sport out of the whole execution.
fear of germs. buncha fuckin pussies. you cant even get a decent hanburger anymore; they cook the shit out of everything, because everyones afraid of food poisoning. hey, wheres your sense of adventure? take a fuckin chance! you know how many people die from food poisoning in this country every year? nine thousand! thats all! its a minor risk. take a fuckin chance. buncha goddam pussies!
besides, what do you think you have an immune system for? its for killin germs. but it needs practice. it needs germs to practice on. so if you kill all the germs around you and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, your not going to be prepared.
and never mind ordinary germs, what are you gonna do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit? ill tell you what your gonna do. your gonna get sick, your gonna die, and your gonna deserve it, because youre fuckin weak and youve got a fuckin weak immune system.
let me tell you a true story about immunization. when i was a little boy in new york city in the 40's, we swam in the hudson river. and it was filled with raw sewage. okay? we swam in raw sewage! you know, to cool off.
at that time the big fear was polio; thousands of kids died from polio every year. but you know somethin? in my neighborhood no one ever got polio. no one. ever! you know why? because we swam in raw sewage! it strengthened our immune systems. the polio never had a prayer; we were tempered in raw shit!
so, personally, i never take any special precautions against germs. i dont shy away from people who sneeze and cough, i dont wipe off the phone, i dont cover the toilet seat, and if i drop food on the floor, i pick it up and eat it. even if im at a sidewalk cafe. in calcutta. the poor section. on noew years morning during a soccer riot.
and you know something? in spite of all that so called riskybehavior, i never get infections. i just dont get em folks. i dont get colds, i dont get flu, and i dont get food poisoning. and you know why? because i have a good strong, immune system, and it gets a lot of practice.
my immune system is equipped with the biological equivilent of fully automatic, military assault rifles with night vision and laser scopes. and we have recently aquired phosphorous grenades, cluster bombs, and anti-personnel frag mines.
so, when my white blood cells are on patrol, reconnoitering my blood stream, seeking out strangers and other undesirables, if they see an-ANY- suspicious looking germs of any kind, they dont fuck around. they whip out the weapons, wax the motherfucker, and deposite the unlucky fellopw directly into my colon! directly into my colon! theres no nonsense. theres no miranda warning, theres none of that three stikes your out shit. first offense, BAM! into the colon you go.
and soeaking of my colon, i want you to know i dont always automatically wash my hands every time i go to the bathroom. can you deal with that? sometimes i do, sometimes i dont. you know when i wash my hands? when i shit on them! thats the only time. and you know how oftem that happens? Tops-tops- two, three times a week. Tops! maybe a little more frequently over the holidays. you know what i mean?
and ill tell you something else, my well-scrubbed friends. you dont always need a shower every day. did you know that? its overkill. unless you work out, or work outdoors, or for some reason come in intimate contact with huge ammounts of filth and garbage every day, you dont always need a shower.
all you really need is to wash the four key areas: armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth! got that? the hooker's bath. armpits, asshole, croth, and teeth. in fact, you can save yourselfe a whole lot of time if you simply use the same brush on all four areas!