Step One Work
Step Work-The Doctor’s Opinion-pp. xxx-xxxii
Were there many situations while compulsively overeating/spending which arose out of the phenomenon of craving which caused me to give up my life to food/spending rather than stop?
I have lost all will to fight. I had been caving in to my disease rather than struggle against it because I felt like I was hopeless or because it was too hard for me to do just then. In truth, I wasn’t ready to surrender control.
Was I always going on the wagon for keeps?
Yes. Most recently, I did that Saturday morning (5/30). I thought I was really ready, but I wasn’t quite. Sunday, I was ready, I did what I have been told, and I was able to stay with my food plan. I had to work with God instead of doing things my way, but it worked.
Was I over-remorseful, making many resolutions, but never a decision?
Yes. Every damn morning, for a long time now, I was having a morning self-hate session. I finally got tired enough of that to follow my sponsor’s instructions. Today (6/1) I didn’t have to have a self-hate session. I know I’m not cured of self-hate, but today I have hope that I will be healed of it by working these steps and turning to God all through the day.
Was I unwilling to admit that I cannot take a bite/close up my wallet?
Oh yes. I would give up my will in the morning, but that was as far as it goes. Fundamentally, I was unwilling.
Did I plan various ways of overeating/spending?
Yes. I would look at labels and think hard about whether or not the sugar content would be enough to trigger me if I ate it, so I would be planning to eat foods that would not serve me and I’d plan to follow my sponsor’s suggestions but whenever I was really in a crunch I wouldn’t follow them. As far my spending, I have tried some ways to control it, such as waiting 24 hours before spending, hiding my debit card from myself, not carrying my checkbook and/or cash, recording every credit card purchase on a spreadsheet, making Bill my money controller, and not having a credit card in my name. They haven’t worked because I lack power.
Do I believe that after being entirely free from trigger foods and compulsive behaviors for a period of time that I could [resume them] without danger?
Not any more.
Can I start eating/spending without developing the phenomenon of craving?
No, I can’t. That goes for the actions of eating and spending. Without God’s help, I will always return to my destructive behaviors.
Do I believe this is an allergy which differentiates me from these people and sets me apart from others?
Yes. I have an intense physical craving to do the things I do with food and money.
Do I believe the only relief to this physical allergy is entire abstinence?
Now, yes. The only times I have had peace in my mind where when I was entirely abstinent, connected to God-and abstaining from emotional drama around myself as well.
My own question (or perhaps it was one from my sponsor or another OAer). (It is written in my margin): What is entire abstinence for me?
Abstaining from recreational sugar and my non-sugar trigger foods, plus abstaining from scraping out the pots and eating seconds. For spending, I don’t know what that will look like yet.
Can I do this on my own, just not use food or money?
Nope.
Do I feel doomed?
Whenever I take back my will regarding my life, I wind up feeling doomed.
Have I identified my allergy to food and spending as a craving for more food/spending once I start eating/spending?
Yeah, I have. It is the case that in me, it’s that craving that is the allergy.
Was I living to use food/spend?
Definitely. They were my two great sources of pleasure and they were my only occupation before I came in to program in 2006. Since then, I have had periods of relief from compulsive eating where I was enjoying life, but my spending during that time accelerated.
[My question:] Is my only hope through “moral psychology”-a spiritual solution?
Yes. I am beyond all human aid, whether through myself or others.
My sponsor said back in 2011 the following, “I am physically powerless, mentally powerless. The main problem lives in the mind. To get to a place where we eat spiritually depends on our spiritual condition.”
Were there many situations while compulsively overeating/spending which arose out of the phenomenon of craving which caused me to give up my life to food/spending rather than stop?
I have lost all will to fight. I had been caving in to my disease rather than struggle against it because I felt like I was hopeless or because it was too hard for me to do just then. In truth, I wasn’t ready to surrender control.
Was I always going on the wagon for keeps?
Yes. Most recently, I did that Saturday morning (5/30). I thought I was really ready, but I wasn’t quite. Sunday, I was ready, I did what I have been told, and I was able to stay with my food plan. I had to work with God instead of doing things my way, but it worked.
Was I over-remorseful, making many resolutions, but never a decision?
Yes. Every damn morning, for a long time now, I was having a morning self-hate session. I finally got tired enough of that to follow my sponsor’s instructions. Today (6/1) I didn’t have to have a self-hate session. I know I’m not cured of self-hate, but today I have hope that I will be healed of it by working these steps and turning to God all through the day.
Was I unwilling to admit that I cannot take a bite/close up my wallet?
Oh yes. I would give up my will in the morning, but that was as far as it goes. Fundamentally, I was unwilling.
Did I plan various ways of overeating/spending?
Yes. I would look at labels and think hard about whether or not the sugar content would be enough to trigger me if I ate it, so I would be planning to eat foods that would not serve me and I’d plan to follow my sponsor’s suggestions but whenever I was really in a crunch I wouldn’t follow them. As far my spending, I have tried some ways to control it, such as waiting 24 hours before spending, hiding my debit card from myself, not carrying my checkbook and/or cash, recording every credit card purchase on a spreadsheet, making Bill my money controller, and not having a credit card in my name. They haven’t worked because I lack power.
Do I believe that after being entirely free from trigger foods and compulsive behaviors for a period of time that I could [resume them] without danger?
Not any more.
Can I start eating/spending without developing the phenomenon of craving?
No, I can’t. That goes for the actions of eating and spending. Without God’s help, I will always return to my destructive behaviors.
Do I believe this is an allergy which differentiates me from these people and sets me apart from others?
Yes. I have an intense physical craving to do the things I do with food and money.
Do I believe the only relief to this physical allergy is entire abstinence?
Now, yes. The only times I have had peace in my mind where when I was entirely abstinent, connected to God-and abstaining from emotional drama around myself as well.
My own question (or perhaps it was one from my sponsor or another OAer). (It is written in my margin): What is entire abstinence for me?
Abstaining from recreational sugar and my non-sugar trigger foods, plus abstaining from scraping out the pots and eating seconds. For spending, I don’t know what that will look like yet.
Can I do this on my own, just not use food or money?
Nope.
Do I feel doomed?
Whenever I take back my will regarding my life, I wind up feeling doomed.
Have I identified my allergy to food and spending as a craving for more food/spending once I start eating/spending?
Yeah, I have. It is the case that in me, it’s that craving that is the allergy.
Was I living to use food/spend?
Definitely. They were my two great sources of pleasure and they were my only occupation before I came in to program in 2006. Since then, I have had periods of relief from compulsive eating where I was enjoying life, but my spending during that time accelerated.
[My question:] Is my only hope through “moral psychology”-a spiritual solution?
Yes. I am beyond all human aid, whether through myself or others.
My sponsor said back in 2011 the following, “I am physically powerless, mentally powerless. The main problem lives in the mind. To get to a place where we eat spiritually depends on our spiritual condition.”