SGA Flashfic: Kiss me, you fool! (Sheppard/McKay, pg-13)
This is *not* a new story. I wrote it back at the beginning of the Flashfic Harlequin challenge, and decided I want all of my stories archived in one place. So if you've read it before, nothing has changed at all. If you haven't read it? Well, then yay for you, new story!
Title: Kiss me, you fool!
Author: chopchica
Rating: PG-13
Length: 1,600 words
Summary: Ten romance novels that never happened
Notes: Like everybody else, I adore the idea of this challenge. I have too much writing going on already to start a new story though, and too many great ideas that bit me all at once, so this is what I came up with instead, based mostly off of the WIP meme that goes around periodically. Obviously this isn't intended to be taken even the tiniest bit seriously. Thanks go to docmichelle for laughing at all of the right parts as I wrote, and giving it a speedy going-over.
Kiss me, you fool!
The One Where Cold And Unfeeling Prince Rodney, And Sheltered Virgin John Are Forced Into A Marriage Of Convenience For The Good Of The Country:
Queen!Elizabeth: Oh, cold and unfeeling son of mine, it is time for you to marry for the good of the country.
Rodney: If I must, but he’d better be hot. Bring in the male maidens!
*male maidens parade in. John attempts to hide behind his veil*
Rodney: *snaps fingers* I’ll take that one. Look at those forearms!
*guards drag over a protesting John and fling him at Rodney*
John: Unhand me, you dastardly knave!
Rodney: I do not know why, but something about this feisty male maiden is melting my cold and unfeeling heart.
John: Yeah? Well I feel nothing.
Rodney: How ‘bout this? *kisses John*
John: *swoons*
The One Where John Is A Desert Sheikh, And Rodney Is A Tourist Who Has Been Kidnapped And Taken To His Harem:
Rodney: WTF? There I was, trekking across the Arabian desert in an attempt to save my step-sister from a beastly fate, when I was suddenly set upon by bandits. Now I’m wearing a pair of harem pants, and they do *not* do good things for my ass.
Eunuch!Kavanagh: Come with me, and be aware that I will attempt to secretly kill you tonight out of jealousy.
Rodney: Somehow I’m not surprised
Eunuch!Kavanagh: *drags him into the throne room, where Sheikh John is lounging*
Rodney: *looks around* I should’ve known I was in a harem. Didn’t anybody tell you the Seventies were over? And if you expect me to spread for you just like that…
John: Did I mention my sumptuous spread of honeyed desserts?
Rodney: Now you’re talking.
The One Where Rodney And John Never Go To Atlantis, But Each Individually Adopt Daughters Who Turn Out To Be Identical Twins Separated At Birth:
Rodney: *strolling through the park with his baby carriage*. I’m so glad I went with my sudden desire to adopt a child, despite being a single workaholic who hates children.
John: *strolling in the opposite direction with his baby carriage*. “I’m so glad I went with my sudden desire to adopt a child, despite being a single commitmentphobe with a job where I could die at any moment.
Rodney: Of course, it helps that little Jenny is so perfect and unique. There’s no one else like her out there in the entire world.
John: People always say they have the best children, but nobody can hold a candle to little Joanie.
*their carriages collide, and Jenny and Joanie go spilling out onto the (very soft) grass*
Rodney: Oh noes! Little Jenny! You clumsy oaf!
John: Huh. Little Joanie looks suspiciously like your baby, except her bonnet is pink instead of yellow.
Rodney: *sniffs* Please, like I would force my daughter into such an outdated gender model. Still, they do look awfully alike.
John: Did you adopt from the “Take my child, Please!” agency?
Rodney: Why yes! I did! For some reason, nobody else wanted to take on a gay workaholic single man as a client.
John: Same here, especially when you consider that I’m a gay workaholic in the military! But don’t tell anyone. It’s a secret.
Rodney: You know, you’re kind of hot.
John: *subtly flexes*
Rodney: And we do have identical twin daughters who were separated at birth.
John: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Rodney: Let’s get married!
John: Okay, that wasn’t exactly what I was thinking, but I’ll go with it.
*they drive their carriages into the sunset together*
The One Where John Is A Carpenter And Rodney Is A Lady:
John: Would you marry me anyway?
Rodney: I’ll even have your baby.
John: If I were a miller?
Rodney: Don’t push your luck.
The One Where John Is Searching For His Long-Lost Parents, And He Calls Upon Jaded PI Rodney For Help:
John: If only I had some roots in this world. Ever since I was accidentally flung out of that train window at age four, I’ve felt so alone and unloved. I wish I could find my parents.
Co-worker!Carson: Good god, man! Go and see a private investigator and track them down already.
John: I wonder why I never thought of that before?
Co-worker!Carson: Perhaps it stems from being thrown out of a moving train.
John: *finishes telling story* And all I have is this torn corner of a picture of my mother’s left hand. Can you help me?
Rodney: *drinks coffee*
John: Hello? Aren’t you moved by my tale of tragedy?
Rodney: It takes more than that to widen my weary eyes.
John: I’ve promised to give my virginity to the person who finds me my parents.
Rodney: Hmm. *looks at the picture, does a brief internet search, makes a call* They’re in Jacksonville, looking for their long-lost son, whom they accidentally threw out of a moving train. Now strip.
John: How did you do that? I’ve spent years looking!
Rodney: The address is on the back of the picture. When you fell out of the train, did you land head first?
John: Did I mention my virginity is yours? *hurls himself over the desk into Rodney’s waiting arms*
The One Where Rodney Thinks John Likes Teyla, And John Thinks Rodney Likes Carson, But Really They Like Each Other, And Elizabeth Locks Them In A Storage Closet Until They Figure It Out:
Rodney: I don’t understand. I’ve tried everything - complimenting his hair, designing a newer and better puddlejumper, constantly getting into trouble so that he can shoot people while rescuing me. But he never notices me! It’s all about Teyla and her sticks. Doesn’t he know that I have a bigger stick than her?
Radek: *pats him sympathetically*
*meanwhile, in another part of Atlantis*
John: I don’t understand. I’ve tried everything - providing him with powerbars, putting him on my team, forgiving him after he blew up a solar system. But he never notices me! It’s all about Beckett now, and his Ancient gene. Doesn’t he know that I’m much better at touching things and turning them on?
Ronon: Why are you telling me all of this?
*meanwhile, in another part of Atlantis*
Teyla: Something must be done. I am beginning to worry that Dr. McKay will poison my evening meal.
Carson: I agree. The last few times I have gone off on a mission with Colonel Sheppard, I’ve almost died.
Elizabeth: To be fair, that might not be his fault, but I see your point. I think I have an idea.
*later on, John and Rodney are inexplicably locked in a storage closet and forced to talk to each other*
Rodney: You mean you don’t like Teyla like that?
John: Haven’t you heard anything I’ve said? I only have powerbars for you! What about you and that hussy Beckett?
Rodney: *sniffs* As if I would ever go for somebody with such an inferior gene.
*they kiss happily*
The One Where John Is An Assassin, and Rodney Is A Victim Of A Case Of Mistaken Identity (with a bonus crossover!):
John: *bursts into Rodney’s bedroom dramatically* Roddy Mackay, I have been paid to kill you!
Rodney: *wakes up* I’d be quaking in fear if that was actually my name.
John: Uh oh. *reads list* Hey, can you tell me if this says ‘Lana Lang’?
Rodney: It says ‘Lena Long!’ What kind of horrible assassin are you? *wakes up some more*. Wait, did you say you killed Lana Lang?
John: It was an accident!
Rodney: *jumps him before millions of joyful fangirls get the chance*
The One Where Elizabeth Is A High Powered Businesswoman, And Zelenka Is Her Mousy Assistant:
Radek: *stares dreamily at Elizabeth*. If only she would notice me and fulfill my deepest fantasies.
Co-worker!Rodney: *looks up from where Repairman!John has him pinned up against the copy machine*. How many times to I have to tell you? Girls don’t make passes at guys who wear glasses.
John: And unbutton the top button of your shirt while you’re at it. *bites Rodney’s neck*
Radek: It is certainly worth a try. *unbuttons and removes glasses*
Elizabeth: Mr. Zelenka! Where are the printouts of the report I asked for this morning! *stops and notices Radek’s new hunky appearance* Why, Radek, I never knew!
Radek: *kisses Elizabeth shyly, and is quickly bent backwards over his desk*
Elizabeth: *in between kisses* All this time, you were right before my very eyes.
The One Where Gunslinger John Meets Raised By Indians Rodney (also known as talks-with-big-mouth):
John: I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name…
Rodney: What is that horrendous noise? *sees John* How, white man! Do not point your firestick at me!
John: You’re white!
Rodney: Not inside where it counts. Inside, I have the strength of a bear, the heart of a lion -
John: And the mouth of a hyena.
Rodney: Nobody understands how hard it is being torn between two cultures.
John: Have I mentioned that I’m secretly an English nobleman?
Rodney: *jumps him*
The One Where Rodney And John Were Inexplicably Married Before Atlantis, But Are Now Divorced:
Rodney: I don’t understand how out of all of the Antarctic Outposts in the world, my ex-husband had to fly into mine, make things light up, and end up traveling with me to another galaxy.
John: Wait, how is that possible?
Rodney: Don’t you remember? We lived next door to each other as children, and got married when you graduated from high school, but then our careers tore us apart.
John: But that doesn’t make *sense*!
Rodney: Who cares about sense? This gives us backstory to have angry and emotional sex, followed by avoidance, a Big Misunderstanding, a possible death scare, and romantic make-up sex. Do you really care about the semantics now?
John: Not when you put it that way.
Title: Kiss me, you fool!
Author: chopchica
Rating: PG-13
Length: 1,600 words
Summary: Ten romance novels that never happened
Notes: Like everybody else, I adore the idea of this challenge. I have too much writing going on already to start a new story though, and too many great ideas that bit me all at once, so this is what I came up with instead, based mostly off of the WIP meme that goes around periodically. Obviously this isn't intended to be taken even the tiniest bit seriously. Thanks go to docmichelle for laughing at all of the right parts as I wrote, and giving it a speedy going-over.
Kiss me, you fool!
The One Where Cold And Unfeeling Prince Rodney, And Sheltered Virgin John Are Forced Into A Marriage Of Convenience For The Good Of The Country:
Queen!Elizabeth: Oh, cold and unfeeling son of mine, it is time for you to marry for the good of the country.
Rodney: If I must, but he’d better be hot. Bring in the male maidens!
*male maidens parade in. John attempts to hide behind his veil*
Rodney: *snaps fingers* I’ll take that one. Look at those forearms!
*guards drag over a protesting John and fling him at Rodney*
John: Unhand me, you dastardly knave!
Rodney: I do not know why, but something about this feisty male maiden is melting my cold and unfeeling heart.
John: Yeah? Well I feel nothing.
Rodney: How ‘bout this? *kisses John*
John: *swoons*
The One Where John Is A Desert Sheikh, And Rodney Is A Tourist Who Has Been Kidnapped And Taken To His Harem:
Rodney: WTF? There I was, trekking across the Arabian desert in an attempt to save my step-sister from a beastly fate, when I was suddenly set upon by bandits. Now I’m wearing a pair of harem pants, and they do *not* do good things for my ass.
Eunuch!Kavanagh: Come with me, and be aware that I will attempt to secretly kill you tonight out of jealousy.
Rodney: Somehow I’m not surprised
Eunuch!Kavanagh: *drags him into the throne room, where Sheikh John is lounging*
Rodney: *looks around* I should’ve known I was in a harem. Didn’t anybody tell you the Seventies were over? And if you expect me to spread for you just like that…
John: Did I mention my sumptuous spread of honeyed desserts?
Rodney: Now you’re talking.
The One Where Rodney And John Never Go To Atlantis, But Each Individually Adopt Daughters Who Turn Out To Be Identical Twins Separated At Birth:
Rodney: *strolling through the park with his baby carriage*. I’m so glad I went with my sudden desire to adopt a child, despite being a single workaholic who hates children.
John: *strolling in the opposite direction with his baby carriage*. “I’m so glad I went with my sudden desire to adopt a child, despite being a single commitmentphobe with a job where I could die at any moment.
Rodney: Of course, it helps that little Jenny is so perfect and unique. There’s no one else like her out there in the entire world.
John: People always say they have the best children, but nobody can hold a candle to little Joanie.
*their carriages collide, and Jenny and Joanie go spilling out onto the (very soft) grass*
Rodney: Oh noes! Little Jenny! You clumsy oaf!
John: Huh. Little Joanie looks suspiciously like your baby, except her bonnet is pink instead of yellow.
Rodney: *sniffs* Please, like I would force my daughter into such an outdated gender model. Still, they do look awfully alike.
John: Did you adopt from the “Take my child, Please!” agency?
Rodney: Why yes! I did! For some reason, nobody else wanted to take on a gay workaholic single man as a client.
John: Same here, especially when you consider that I’m a gay workaholic in the military! But don’t tell anyone. It’s a secret.
Rodney: You know, you’re kind of hot.
John: *subtly flexes*
Rodney: And we do have identical twin daughters who were separated at birth.
John: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Rodney: Let’s get married!
John: Okay, that wasn’t exactly what I was thinking, but I’ll go with it.
*they drive their carriages into the sunset together*
The One Where John Is A Carpenter And Rodney Is A Lady:
John: Would you marry me anyway?
Rodney: I’ll even have your baby.
John: If I were a miller?
Rodney: Don’t push your luck.
The One Where John Is Searching For His Long-Lost Parents, And He Calls Upon Jaded PI Rodney For Help:
John: If only I had some roots in this world. Ever since I was accidentally flung out of that train window at age four, I’ve felt so alone and unloved. I wish I could find my parents.
Co-worker!Carson: Good god, man! Go and see a private investigator and track them down already.
John: I wonder why I never thought of that before?
Co-worker!Carson: Perhaps it stems from being thrown out of a moving train.
John: *finishes telling story* And all I have is this torn corner of a picture of my mother’s left hand. Can you help me?
Rodney: *drinks coffee*
John: Hello? Aren’t you moved by my tale of tragedy?
Rodney: It takes more than that to widen my weary eyes.
John: I’ve promised to give my virginity to the person who finds me my parents.
Rodney: Hmm. *looks at the picture, does a brief internet search, makes a call* They’re in Jacksonville, looking for their long-lost son, whom they accidentally threw out of a moving train. Now strip.
John: How did you do that? I’ve spent years looking!
Rodney: The address is on the back of the picture. When you fell out of the train, did you land head first?
John: Did I mention my virginity is yours? *hurls himself over the desk into Rodney’s waiting arms*
The One Where Rodney Thinks John Likes Teyla, And John Thinks Rodney Likes Carson, But Really They Like Each Other, And Elizabeth Locks Them In A Storage Closet Until They Figure It Out:
Rodney: I don’t understand. I’ve tried everything - complimenting his hair, designing a newer and better puddlejumper, constantly getting into trouble so that he can shoot people while rescuing me. But he never notices me! It’s all about Teyla and her sticks. Doesn’t he know that I have a bigger stick than her?
Radek: *pats him sympathetically*
*meanwhile, in another part of Atlantis*
John: I don’t understand. I’ve tried everything - providing him with powerbars, putting him on my team, forgiving him after he blew up a solar system. But he never notices me! It’s all about Beckett now, and his Ancient gene. Doesn’t he know that I’m much better at touching things and turning them on?
Ronon: Why are you telling me all of this?
*meanwhile, in another part of Atlantis*
Teyla: Something must be done. I am beginning to worry that Dr. McKay will poison my evening meal.
Carson: I agree. The last few times I have gone off on a mission with Colonel Sheppard, I’ve almost died.
Elizabeth: To be fair, that might not be his fault, but I see your point. I think I have an idea.
*later on, John and Rodney are inexplicably locked in a storage closet and forced to talk to each other*
Rodney: You mean you don’t like Teyla like that?
John: Haven’t you heard anything I’ve said? I only have powerbars for you! What about you and that hussy Beckett?
Rodney: *sniffs* As if I would ever go for somebody with such an inferior gene.
*they kiss happily*
The One Where John Is An Assassin, and Rodney Is A Victim Of A Case Of Mistaken Identity (with a bonus crossover!):
John: *bursts into Rodney’s bedroom dramatically* Roddy Mackay, I have been paid to kill you!
Rodney: *wakes up* I’d be quaking in fear if that was actually my name.
John: Uh oh. *reads list* Hey, can you tell me if this says ‘Lana Lang’?
Rodney: It says ‘Lena Long!’ What kind of horrible assassin are you? *wakes up some more*. Wait, did you say you killed Lana Lang?
John: It was an accident!
Rodney: *jumps him before millions of joyful fangirls get the chance*
The One Where Elizabeth Is A High Powered Businesswoman, And Zelenka Is Her Mousy Assistant:
Radek: *stares dreamily at Elizabeth*. If only she would notice me and fulfill my deepest fantasies.
Co-worker!Rodney: *looks up from where Repairman!John has him pinned up against the copy machine*. How many times to I have to tell you? Girls don’t make passes at guys who wear glasses.
John: And unbutton the top button of your shirt while you’re at it. *bites Rodney’s neck*
Radek: It is certainly worth a try. *unbuttons and removes glasses*
Elizabeth: Mr. Zelenka! Where are the printouts of the report I asked for this morning! *stops and notices Radek’s new hunky appearance* Why, Radek, I never knew!
Radek: *kisses Elizabeth shyly, and is quickly bent backwards over his desk*
Elizabeth: *in between kisses* All this time, you were right before my very eyes.
The One Where Gunslinger John Meets Raised By Indians Rodney (also known as talks-with-big-mouth):
John: I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name…
Rodney: What is that horrendous noise? *sees John* How, white man! Do not point your firestick at me!
John: You’re white!
Rodney: Not inside where it counts. Inside, I have the strength of a bear, the heart of a lion -
John: And the mouth of a hyena.
Rodney: Nobody understands how hard it is being torn between two cultures.
John: Have I mentioned that I’m secretly an English nobleman?
Rodney: *jumps him*
The One Where Rodney And John Were Inexplicably Married Before Atlantis, But Are Now Divorced:
Rodney: I don’t understand how out of all of the Antarctic Outposts in the world, my ex-husband had to fly into mine, make things light up, and end up traveling with me to another galaxy.
John: Wait, how is that possible?
Rodney: Don’t you remember? We lived next door to each other as children, and got married when you graduated from high school, but then our careers tore us apart.
John: But that doesn’t make *sense*!
Rodney: Who cares about sense? This gives us backstory to have angry and emotional sex, followed by avoidance, a Big Misunderstanding, a possible death scare, and romantic make-up sex. Do you really care about the semantics now?
John: Not when you put it that way.