Fic: Take a Chance on Me (Sheppard/McKay, NC-17, 3/3)

[chopchica]

He’d had it. There was no way in hell Sheppard was going to get away with throwing him out of his dream, just because he was too infantile to handle reality. Rodney was just going to make him talk while they were awake, and if he thought a dream-Rodney was hard to control, he was about to get an introduction to the real and very pissed off Rodney.

He slid into pants and shoes, grabbed his toolkit, and stormed out of his room, heading straight for Sheppard’s. Sheppard had had to wake himself up to kick Rodney out of his dream, and there was no way he’d fallen back asleep since, not with the state he’d been in when Rodney had last seen him.

Sheppard’s door was locked of course, and Rodney was tempted to pound on it and yell his head off until everybody in Atlantis knew what was going on. There was no point in knocking and asking for entrance, because Sheppard clearly wasn’t going to let him in. Besides, he was sick of letting Sheppard hold the cards. It was his turn to set Sheppard off balance for once.

He popped open the access panel near Sheppard’s door, and working quickly, switched some crystals around and replaced them with the ones he’d been experimenting with lately and hiding in his toolkit. If he was right, this could give him access to every locked door in the city. Who needed a super-gene when he had brilliance?

The crystals chimed satisfyingly, and he quickly closed up the panel, hoping his attempt to enter Sheppard’s room wouldn’t get him shocked by a protective Atlantis. Of course, if Atlantis really did have Sheppard’s best interest in mind, it would’ve let him in without him needing to hack his way through a back door.

It worked. One press of his fingertip against the door, and it whooshed open, revealing Sheppard sitting up in his bed with a shocked expression.

“The hell?” Rodney could see him trying to figure out if this was another dream or not. “How the fuck did you get in here?”

“You’re not the only one who can charm his way through Atlantis’s doors, Colonel,” he said smugly.

Sheppard looked confused for a second, and then his face cleared. “You reprogrammed the circuits, didn’t you.” Sometimes Sheppard was too smart for his own damn good. “That’s an invasion of privacy!”

Rodney shrugged unapologetically. “Pretty funny coming from somebody who treats Atlantis like it’s his own personal playground. But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that in your world, the rules never apply to you.”

Sheppard’s jaw tightened. “Don’t go there, McKay.”

“You’re always telling me not to go there, Colonel. Every time I get a little bit too close, you warn me off and run away. Well guess what? I’ve gone there. I am there and so are you. Now deal with it.”

“You don’t have the right.” Sheppard sounded furious, and a small part of Rodney blanched, but he hadn’t gotten this far in the world by running away from conflicts.

“I don’t have the right? Excuse me, who invited me into his card game? Who leaned over and kissed me? You said it yourself, you can do whatever you want in your dream world, and face it, Colonel, what you wanted was to take me on a picnic.” He stepped closer to Sheppard - right into his personal space - hoping this wasn’t a move that was going to get him punched. “You invited me into your dreams, whether you want to admit it or not. You invited me into your life, and guess what, I’m staying.”

Sheppard didn’t respond, just glared at him silently, and Rodney felt his shoulders slump in defeat. Perhaps it was time for another approach.

“Come to think of it though, maybe you’re not worth staying for.” Sheppard looked outraged, and Rodney tried not to laugh. “I hadn’t expected you to be such a coward, *Colonel*.”

Sheppard lunged for him unexpectedly, and Rodney braced himself for impact, but all Sheppard did was grab his shoulders and shake. “My name,” he snarled into Rodney’s face, “is *John*.” He gave Rodney one last shake for good measure, and latched onto Rodney’s mouth, and suddenly they were kissing, kissing hard enough the world could end around them for all they cared, and Rodney closed his eyes blindly, trying to make some sense out of it all, because one minute they’d been yelling, and then John was sucking on Rodney’s tongue like it was his dick, and giving every indication of wanting to head lower, and sure, Rodney watched porn as much as the next guy, but it wasn’t supposed to actually happen.

“Jesus,” John mumbled into his mouth, moved down to Rodney’s neck, sucking on his pulse point and the soft hollow at the curve of his shoulder. “I’ve gotta, I need to -” He broke off and dropped gracefully to his knees, and Rodney knew he should be saying something right about now, but all of the words had frozen in his brain. He hadn’t even known it possible, but John had effectively shut him down without giving it any effort at all.

John mouthed him through his pants and then pulled them down. He licked awkwardly at the head a few times, and traced down the vein once with his tongue, before stopping and making a questioning noise. Rodney’s hands tightening on his head must have been answer enough, because he grinned and took Rodney into his mouth. It was shallow and inexpert, and the hottest thing Rodney had ever felt in his entire life, because John was on his knees sucking his cock and holding his hips against the wall so he couldn’t thrust, moaning like he was enjoying a gourmet dinner.

Rodney tried to hold back, but apparently he was asking himself to do the impossible because it was coming on fast. He tried to warn John, but barely got his mouth open when John let go of his hips and reached up to flick his nipples, and god, how did John know? Instead of a warning, he found himself making a noise he’d only ever heard coming from his cat.

John hummed, and that was it. Rodney tipped right over the edge, coming and yelling, until there was nothing left for him to give, and he collapsed back against the wall, utterly spent.

“Oh, God,” he said brokenly. John pulled off and started to grin at him, but then grimaced, and Rodney realized he was probably tasting somebody else’s come for the first time. His cock twitched, and he winced because it was too soon, but apparently John was very inspirational, because he’d honestly thought he’d just come so much he was never going to get hard again.

John gave him an apologetic smile, and went into the bathroom. Rodney could hear him brushing his teeth.

He stood in the middle of John’s room, still hanging out of his pants, and had absolutely no idea what should happen next. He wasn’t sure if John was going to want him to be there when he came out of the bathroom. Just in case, he tucked himself back in, because if this turned into a bad scene, he really wanted to be fully dressed.

John came back out, giving Rodney a surprisingly shy smile. “Hey. You stayed.”

“Yes, well -” Rodney decided John didn’t seem to be in danger of an incipient freakout, and he headed toward him, backing John over to the bed. “I thought you might want your turn.”

“Can’t imagine why you’d think that,” John said, and the cocky grin was back, but Rodney could see the nervousness riding along the edge, and he smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. From the look on John’s face, he’d been wildly unsuccessful.

He reached John, and quickly wrapped his arms around John’s waist, holding him tightly, and drawing him into a kiss, because the sooner John got worked back up, the calmer he was going to feel.

John kissed back hungrily, like a switch had been flipped, and his desperation from earlier was back. “I want -”

“Shh,” Rodney said against his lips. “Let me in.” John made a little noise in the back of his throat, and opened up to him.

He continued the kiss, supporting the back of John’s head with one hand, and sliding the other one down John’s pants and against the bulge of his cock. John made a startled sound and bucked his hips. He pulled away long enough to say, “Oh!” and then reattached himself to Rodney’s mouth, kissing him like there might be a ZPM hidden behind Rodney’s teeth.

Rodney thought about pulling down John’s shorts, but he knew John better than John thought he did, and he knew it would only take one wrong move to jerk John out of the headspace he’d worked so hard to put him in. Instead, he carefully lowered his hand inside, and cupped John’s cock, loving the unfamiliar feel of the unprotected head, soft and smooth.

John was already slippery and wet, and it was no effort at all to circle his fingers over the head, which John apparently enjoyed, judging from the sounds he was making into Rodney’s mouth. The noises were quiet and almost hidden - as secretive as John, but Rodney knew how to find what he was searching for.

He was tempted to draw it out, play a little bit, see what kind of reactions he could pull from John, see just what would happen when John got frantic. It was appealing, but not this time. Two Johns and dream sharing and talking disco balls, and John had been played with more than enough already for one week. He deserved a break, and if Rodney wasn’t willing to cut him an emotional one, he was willing to cut him a physical one.

“Rodney,” John said, little gasps coming out of him with each breath. “Stop thinking.”

Right. Good idea. He wrapped his fingers around the shaft, and jerked John hard and smooth, keeping up the circling over the head with his thumb because John seemed to love it so much. It wasn’t going to take very long, and he found himself already anticipating the next time, when he could lay down on the bed and carefully explore all of the places he’d been thinking about for so long.

John pulled away biting his lip and Rodney stepped up the pace, leaning in to whisper in John’s ear. “I knew you’d be quiet. I want to hear you get loud.”

“Oh, oh God,” John moaned, and came in jerking spurts, tipping his head into Rodney’s shoulder and biting it as he came.

Well. That had been messy but satisfying, and Rodney reminded himself to remember John seemed to get off on either being talked to, or the threat of being loud. Whichever it was, Rodney couldn’t wait to experiment. Not now though, because he was about to pass out, and from the way John was shuddering in his arms, there wasn’t very much energy left on his end either.

Neither of them seemed willing to let go of each other, which resulted in a drunken lurching toward the bed (thankfully only a few steps away), and collapsing on it in a sated heap. Rodney let John sprawl out on top of him until the circulation started to leave his extremities, and then he gently shoved John off to the side.

“We should clean up,” he said eventually.

“Hmm,” said John, who already had his eyes closed.

“I can’t believe you want to go to sleep like this,” Rodney said. “We’re sticky!”

John cracked open one eye and blinked sleepily at him. “I’ve been dirtier.”

Rodney gave up. Clearly there was no way John was moving, short of an emergency, and besides, he’d fallen asleep after jerking off way too many times to be self-righteous about it.

“You’re not always going to be able to distract me with sex, you know.” Which was a complete and total lie, but it made him feel better to at least pretend he had some moral backbone.

“Rodney.” John reached out an arm, and hauled him closer. “Sleep.”

There was no point in trying to have a discussion when all of his gray matter had been melted by the heat of John’s mouth. Rodney closed his eyes and obeyed.

**

Waking up - never Rodney’s favorite part of the day - was made even more unpleasant by the realization that while he’d been sleeping, John had somehow quietly fled the scene without disturbing him. Of course, he was plenty disturbed now. Avoidant behavior he’d expected. Flat out running away though? It wasn’t a very Sheppardish way to act.

He took a quick shower in John’s bathroom, gleefully using the last of John’s very expensive shampoo and conditioner, and peeking surreptitiously into the medicine cabinet. Afterwards, he stole one of John’s favorite shirts. If John wanted it back, he was just going to have to come and talk to him. While he was at it, he opened the access panel in John’s room, and did some rearranging until he had programmed in an alarm to go off for thirty seconds every fifteen minutes, and wasn’t capable of being shut off without either an extreme amount of effort, or Rodney’s very quick and easy password.

He’d slept in late for once - it was almost seven-thirty - and he headed toward the mess. The room was mostly full, but he spotted Elizabeth sitting by herself at a back table, flipping through Simpson’s latest report on the best ways for them to design deep sea fishing nets that wouldn’t destroy the ecosystem.

“Elizabeth,” he said cordially as he sat down. She put aside her report and smiled at him. “Fascinating idea, isn’t it?” He gestured at the report.

“I do miss fish,” she admitted. “But still, there’s so much we don’t know about the local environment -”

“Yes, yes,” he said impatiently, cutting her off. “But Simpson’s the best man for the job. If there’s a way to do it, she’ll figure it out, and her preliminary findings are very promising.”

“So, what do you have planned for the day,” she asked, taking a rather large bite of the brownish patty that was either French toast, or schnitzel, he wasn’t sure yet.

“I was actually looking for the Colonel,” he said as casually as he could. “I wasn’t sure if there was a mission planned or not.”

Elizabeth gave him a strange smile. “Colonel Sheppard isn’t here. He went back to the planet.”

“The planet?” This wasn’t a very good sign. Rodney had been counting on the relatively small size of Atlantis making it hard for John to go to ground for very long. Off-planet though was a whole other story. Also, what was John doing off-planet without him?

“The.” Elizabeth coughed slightly. “The planet with the alien entity.”

“The disco ball? You let him go there without backup?”

The smile got even stranger. “He took Dr. Parrish. He told me you had a full plate for the day and he didn’t want to bother you.”

If that had really been John’s goal, he’d just missed it by the length of another galaxy. “He took Parrish.” Repeating was all he could do for the moment, because his only other option was overturning his tray and yelling because Sheppard already had a scientist, damn it, and Rodney was it. No pretty boy botanist with a shy smile was going to take his place. Not while Rodney still had breath in his body.

“Ah, yes, how silly of me to have forgotten.” He picked up his tray and nodded at Elizabeth. “If you’ll excuse me, I have a very busy day ahead of me.”

“Keep me posted,” Elizabeth said, already reaching for the abandoned report. “I’ll see you at the afternoon briefing.”

**

The day stretched on interminably. He tried his hardest not to switch his sensors over to the jumper bay every few minutes, and snapped at anybody who came too close, even Zelenka - who wasn’t fazed at all, having seen it a million times before.

Sheppard was still MIA at the afternoon briefing, and while Rodney knew John could take care of himself, he was still a little worried. What if the gate had overloaded, or if the jumper had broken? What if the disco ball started an intergalactic war? Unless Parrish was able to fix a DHD with a few strands of bougainvillea, he was going to be totally useless. There were reasons why Rodney stayed on Sheppard’s team, and the main one was he didn’t trust John survive without him.

Also, staring at John’s ass while they hiked for hours on end was a pretty good benefit.

“Rodney?” Elizabeth asked, and Rodney realized he’d drifted off again. John had completely destroyed his attention span.

“Hmm, yes?” He took another swig of coffee in the hope she would think it was what he’d been focusing on.

“You said earlier you need somebody with the gene in order to run some trials?”

“Yes. I found a device earlier today, and while I can think it on, it needs to be held by somebody with the gene while I run diagnostics.” Rodney could feel his mouth curving in a smug smile. It was a brilliant plan, because not only would he get the chance to see if he’d really discovered the Ancient equivalent of a pinball machine, but it’d also mean that when John returned, he’d be ordered to the lab, and wouldn’t be able to duck Rodney anymore. “Can you send somebody over later this evening?”

“Will do. Is that it?” Everybody around the table nodded, and Elizabeth closed her laptop. “Okay, dismissed.”

They scattered, and Rodney went back to his lab. He was engrossed enough that he ignored Zelenka’s invitation to come to dinner, and instead gulped down an MRE during a brief break. He didn’t want to be out of the lab when Sheppard arrived, which should be at any moment, (and if he didn’t get there soon, Rodney was commandeering a jumper himself in order to rescue John from the clutches of Poison Ivy).

“McKay.”

Rodney heard the voice from the doorway, and he casually waved a hand, deliberately not turning around. “Colonel, you’re late.”

“It’s not the Colonel.”

Uh oh. This did not bode well for Rodney’s plans of luring Sheppard in with nonchalance, baiting him into actually discussing his issues, yelling a bit about his overwhelming moronacy, and then engaging in lots of sticky sweaty sex on top of any desk which wasn’t his.

“Lorne,” he acknowledged, turning to Lorne, who if possible, seemed even more disgruntled than Rodney felt.

Lorne came further into the room. “You wanted me to touch something?” He didn’t look very thrilled about it, but he was still willing. Rodney had a special place in his heart for men who could follow orders - being that he’d never been one himself.

“I was expecting the Colonel.”

“Yeah, well he’s not back yet.” Lorne set his jaw, and Rodney stopped what he was doing in order to concentrate. He knew there’d been a bit of friction between Lorne and John when Lorne had first arrived, but that’d all ended months ago, and even he’d made his peace with Lorne since then. There was no reason Rodney could think of for Lorne to be so pissed off.

“I can wait for him to come later. I’m sure he’ll be here soon.”

“Forget it,” Lorne all but sneered, and Rodney felt his jaw dropping. This was fascinating. “He’s probably spending the night.”

Rodney didn’t think so. John enjoyed a great deal of inexplicable activities, but camping out wasn’t one of them.

“Why would you say that?” he asked. Maybe Lorne had some knowledge Rodney didn’t. Maybe - oh God - Parrish had gotten them all high on some local pollen, and they were all just lying around, waiting to be eaten by something much larger and stronger.

Lorne just glared and nodded toward the table. “That what you want me to touch?”

Oh, this was going to be embarrassing. “Actually, I don’t need you after all. Feel free to go away.” He turned back to his work and waited for the telltale sounds of the door whooshing open, but instead there was silence. After another minute of pretending to scroll over his latest calculations, he gave up and turned back to Lorne.

“What is it you want?”

“Why didn’t you go with him?” Lorne asked abruptly, and Rodney felt his eyes widen. That was what this was about?

“Good question, and one I intend to ask as soon as the Colonel gets back.”

“Parrish already has a team. My team. Sheppard can’t have him.”

Rodney sighed. “I seriously doubt he wants him.”

“Why? Because he already has you?”

“Yes,” Rodney snapped. “Because he already has me and he doesn’t need a replacement pretty boy, with a background qualifying him to do little more than make tea. Sheppard needs a real scientist.”

Lorne’s eyes cut through him, and Rodney took a hasty step back, because he really didn’t want to end his day as a smear on the ground. “Parrish is a real scientist.”

Okay, this was a totally pointless discussion. “Major, I suggest you take your issues up with Parrish. Rest assured if he moves over to Sheppard’s team, it’ll be over my dead body.”

Lorne opened up his mouth to say something - Rodney could totally guess what - but the incoming wormhole klaxon went off, and he wheeled around and stomped out of the lab. Rodney hastily saved his work, and followed right on his heels.

They arrived just in time to see everybody coming through the Gate - Teyla and Dex taking point, Parrish in the middle, and John strolling through at the very end with the air of a man who didn’t have a care in the world. Rodney could feel his mouth tighten.

“Colonel,” Elizabeth said. “I assume your mission was a success?”

Sheppard grinned. “Let’s just say we came to an understanding.”

Rodney decided that was pretty good, because with the way he was feeling right now, his next appearance in one of John’s dreams wouldn’t have involved a picnic under a tree. More like some hair clippers and a jug of industrial-strength bleach.

“Parrish!” Lorne barked out, and almost everybody in the room reflexively came to attention. Rodney wondered if it was a skill they taught in the military - being able to use that tone of voice. Maybe he could drag Lorne into the lab when everybody was slacking.

Interestingly, Parrish was one of the few people who didn’t react. “Yes, Major?” he asked mildly.

“We’ve got some stuff to talk about. Let’s go.”

Parrish ducked his head, and Rodney watched with fascination as faint tendrils of red climbed up his cheeks. “I’m going to take a shower first.”

“Fine.” Lorne crossed his arms with his best ‘I Am Your Commanding Officer’ expression, but Rodney could see he didn’t stand a chance. “I’ll come by after.”

Parrish gave him a surprisingly shy smile. “I’ll see you later.”

Well. This was all very interesting, but Rodney knew it was only a matter of time before he drew John’s attention, and standing there, he realized he was still way too angry to have the discussion they really needed to have. John was already avoidant enough. The last thing they needed was to go into a confrontation neither of them was in the mood for.

“I’ve got work waiting for me. Elizabeth?” At her nod, he turned and left as quickly as he could, heading back to the sanctuary of his lab.

**

Crunching numbers soothed his nerves. A few more hours of deciphering mind-numbingly boring equations, and he was close to calm. John probably had good reasons for taking Parrish back to the planet instead of him, and he probably had good reasons for why he’d snuck out that morning without telling Rodney goodbye. Of course, Rodney couldn’t even begin to guess what those reasons were, but chances were they were important to John, and he owed it to John at least to give him the opportunity to explain.

Part of him wondered if John would show up in the lab, but there were too many people scurrying around for any kind of talking to happen, and knowing John the way he did, he was pretty sure John was checking his lifesigns detector periodically, just waiting to catch Rodney alone.

He was right, his time in the lab was undisturbed, and he sank into a trance of work, emerging only when his marching fingers could no longer locate his coffee cup. He blinked, and checked. There was nothing there.

“Whoever stole my mug had better return it before I count to three,” he announced. Every single vertebrae in his back protested when he moved. For such an advanced race, the Ancients really had a lot to learn when it came to ergonomic furniture. “I’m not kidding.”

Zelenka was - as always - the only one brave enough to speak up. “Rodney, you have had more than enough coffee. I have taken your mug for your own good. Go home, shower, get some sleep, numbers will still be here in the morning.”

It was the kind of logical argument Rodney could find no fault with. He hated that. But it was Zelenka, and sometimes there was no point in doing battle with Zelenka, so he acquiesced and stood up, grimacing at the popping of his joints.

Zelenka walked over and placed the mug back on his desk. “Fix it,” he said, too quietly for anybody else to hear. “You are of no use to us like this.

“Fix what? I don’t see where you get off -”

“You know what I mean." Rodney cursed the sharp intelligence in his eyes. “Go away. And in return I will let you pretend this conversation never happened.”

Rodney couldn’t stop the smile from tugging at the corner of his mouth as he exited, but he made damn well sure Zelenka couldn’t see him.

**

He managed to make it back to his room without being asked to fix any major problems, and after suspiciously checking all of the dark corners for a lurking Sheppard, he headed into the shower. It was only a matter of time before John tracked him down, and he might as well be clean when it happened.

He stood under the pounding water until the throbbing in his back receded, and then shaved, humming under his breath. He stepped out and was about to grab a towel to dry off, when a voice came out of his room.

“Don’t bother. I like you wet.”

Letting out a sound that was not at all an undignified squeak, Rodney glared in the general direction of the doorway. “Most people ask to be invited in.”

Even through all of the steam, he could see John getting out of the chair next to the desk - uncoiling with a kind of lazy grace. “I’m not most people.”

“No, you’re certainly not,” Rodney muttered. “And do you mind? I’m in the middle of drying off.

John shrugged. “It’d be a waste of time.”

He shouldn’t ask. He shouldn’t ask. “Why?”

“Because you’re going to need another one after we’re finished.”

Rodney swallowed. Only John could say that and have it come out half-threat, half-promise, and all temptation.

“Come out here so we can talk.” John’s voice was silky innocence, and that was enough to break Rodney out of his spell, because the last thing John ever was, was innocent.

“Oh, I’ll come out there alright.” He stomped over to the wardrobe, ignoring his nudity. It wasn’t as if John hadn’t seen it before. It took only a few seconds to throw on some shorts and the shirt he’d stolen from John that morning, and then he turned around, crossing his arms over his chest. “Are you ready to talk?”

“Rodney.” A petty person might’ve said John whined. “You don’t need to get dressed, and hey -” John frowned, and then widened his eyes in outrage. “Is that my shirt?”

“Hmm, this?” Rodney ran a hand down the front of his chest, tracing the outline of the surfboard.

“I can’t believe it! You stole my shirt!”

Rodney shrugged and deliberately walked over to his computer. “Guess that’s what happens when you leave somebody alone in your room.”

“And don’t think I don’t know it’s you behind the alarm either.” John appeared ready to bitch some more, but when Rodney ignored him, he took a deep breath and smiled coolly.

“I guess we’ll just have to sleep in your room tonight.”

Rodney rolled his eyes. “What makes you think you have an invitation?”

The smile turned into a knowing smirk. “You never go through that much effort unless you care about it a whole hell of a lot.” John shrugged. “Wear my shirt if it’s what you want. It’ll just make you smell like me.”

This wasn’t going according to plan. Of course, situations involving John rarely did. Rodney wasn’t sure how he’d ended up switching from being on the offensive to being on the defensive so quickly, but had to get a handle on it fast, before it was too late.

The space between them had narrowed down to a few centimeters. Rodney wasn’t sure how John was doing it - he would blink and each time he opened his eyes back up, John was a little bit closer. It made him feel disturbingly similar to prey, especially the way John’s eyes glittered with determination.

“Fine. So I care.” Admitting it made him feel all itchy, but he gamely plowed on. “And obviously you do if you’re here as well. But, so what?”

That stopped John in his tracks for a second. “So what?”

“Yes, so what? I myself prefer the kind of caring that doesn’t involve me waking up alone in somebody else’s bed, only to find out my teammate has run away on a mission without even letting me know. Not to mention,” he added, warming to his task. “Taking a botanist along instead. What did you think he was going to do if you got into trouble? You could’ve at least taken somebody capable. Zelenka, for example.”

“Is that what this is about?” John asked, staring incredulously. “You were jealous?”

“Oh, please, Colonel,” Rodney sneered, enjoying the way John’s mouth tightened at the title. “There’s more to life than your ego.”

“Well that’s the truth.” John made a deal of stretching slowly, so Rodney could see the muscles flexing under his shirt. “Although I have been told I have a really large…ego.”

Rodney sighed. “Is it possible for you to say anything at all without it being a cheap come-on?”

John sobered and sat down on the edge of the bed, patting the space next to him. Rodney watched him with wary eyes and sat down further away, just out of arm’s reach.

“Look.” John chewed on his lip, and Rodney managed to stay patiently silent for once, mainly by observing how many different facial expressions John was capable of making in a short span of time. “Ridiculous as it sounds, I needed to do this by myself.”

Rodney snorted. “What, you needed to face it man-to-disco ball?”

“Yeah.”

Rodney waited, but John didn’t say anything else. “I don’t see why that meant you had to go without me.”

“I guess I had some stuff I needed to discuss, and I didn’t want to do it in public.”

“I’m public?” Rodney asked, absurdly hurt.

“No, of course not. But honestly, is there any way you would’ve let me go in there by myself?”

No. Not a chance in hell. In fact, if Rodney had had his way, the disco ball would’ve been seized by Lorne and taken back to Atlantis where Rodney could’ve dissected it to his heart’s content, and made sure it learned exactly what the consequences were of fucking with John.

“Yeah,” John said, reading Rodney’s non-answer perfectly. “That’s what I thought.”

“So, you talked then?” Rodney asked, which felt somewhat silly, because, well, it was a heart-to-heart with a disco ball.

“Some, yeah.” John flushed, and Rodney could see him tense up. “Don’t ask me about what. But it was right and you were right and there’s a lot of stuff I have to deal with, I know.”

Rodney cautiously inched closer and even closer still when John didn’t react by jumping up and grabbing him. “What does this mean then? Am I going to wake up tomorrow to find we’ve switched bodies?”

John raised an eyebrow. “As far as I know, McKay, we’re not actually living in a Star Trek episode.”

Rodney cleared his throat and conceded John’s point, even though he was mildly tempted to point out all of the similarities in their lives, especially John’s freakishly pointy ears and the trick with his eyebrow. “You know what I meant.”

“We came…to terms, I guess. It’s all done interfering.” John reached out and traced a finger over the palm of Rodney’s hand, lingering on his lifeline. “Any more weird fucked-up stuff that happens will be all my fault.”

“This doesn’t fix you, you know.” He hated to say it, but Rodney was used to a life full of things he hated to do.

John nodded. “I know. I can’t make any promises, except that I’ll try.” He grinned wryly. “And that I’m never going to have this kind of conversation again.”

That was fine with Rodney. He’d gotten more than enough in his aborted relationships with women. The last thing he needed was to carry it over to men. But still… “If you ever sneak out on a mission without me again, I’ll make sure we have this conversation every single day. Not to mention if you ever take Parrish out without letting me know first? You’ll be on the run from Lorne for the rest of your life, and I’ll be the one feeding him key information.”

John’s grin only widened, and he grabbed onto Rodney’s arm, yanking hard, and pulling Rodney back on top of him. “You’re kinda hot when you’re threatening me, you know that?”

“Oh, please. You’re lucky you’re important enough for me to threaten at all.” He ignored the way John rolled his eyes, and crawled up John’s body, straddling his hips and leaning down to capture his mouth in a soft kiss.

It was gentle and undemanding, almost sweet - for about ten seconds. Then John growled a little in the back of his throat and bit Rodney’s lower lip, hard enough Rodney knew he’d be feeling it for days. Rodney couldn’t help responding with a bite of his own, and John’s hands came up to frame his face, holding it in place, kissing Rodney like he wanted to eat him.

“Naked,” John finally said, an order Rodney was only too happy to obey. He stripped off his shirt and shorts, throwing them across the room somewhere. It was a bit harder for John, being that Rodney was still crouched over his body, but with the way John was wriggling against him while trying to remove his clothes, he didn’t think either of them would be complaining in the near future.

Then they were naked, John’s glorious skin as far as his eye could see, and he had to resist the temptation to rub all over John marking his territory. John didn’t seem to have the same internal fortitude, and before Rodney even knew what was happening, John had locked hands back around his face, and drawn him into another devouring kiss, hungry little noises coming out of his mouth.

“Now,” John ordered, pulling back just long enough to vocalize before reattaching himself, and Rodney smiled.

“Now?” he asked, trailing his finger down the underside of John’s cock.

“Jesus!” John’s hips bucked, but Rodney had a pretty steady perch on top of him, and he wasn’t going anywhere.

“Don’t want to take it slow, hmm?” he asked, focusing on the way John twitched at his touch, and adjusting accordingly. John only nodded, too lost in himself to respond, and Rodney could feel his smile turning evil. “If only I cared about what you wanted.”

“Rodney,” John whined, but Rodney ignored him, holding John’s hips down with his hands, and sliding in closer. He remembered being talked to had gotten John off last time, and hey, every scientist knew the best proof of a successful outcome was repeating the experiment as many times as needed.

“I used to think about blowing you when I jerked off at night,” he said, thrilling at the sound of John’s low moan. “I thought about how you’d look, hard and red, wet from my mouth, how much you’d want it, the noises you’d make when you came.”

He blew a stream of air over the shaft, and John’s hips jerked helplessly. “Fuck, Rodney.” He was about to say more, so Rodney flicked his tongue over the head, curling around and pulling off slowly. “Oh, fuck!”

“Did you ever think about it?”

John’s voice was low and raspy. “You know I did.”

“What’d you imagine me doing to you?” Rodney asked, before licking carefully up one side and down the other.

“Oh God, sucking me.”

“Like this?” He took John in, going down and down and down, keeping his hold on John’s hips steady when John tried to thrust in response. John garbled something totally incoherent, and groaned when Rodney pulled off. “Tell me what I did to you.”

John panted for air, and glared down at Rodney’s face. “You weren’t such a teasing bastard.”

“Mm, really? He nuzzled at John’s balls, and John moaned again. “I can see you really hate it.”

“Jesus fuck, McKay.” John’s thighs were trembling, and he bit off a curse when Rodney licked his way beneath his balls, searching out all of the places that made his moans change in pitch. “You fucking asshole.”

“What’s that? You want me to lick your asshole?” Rodney could feel the subtle tensing of John’s thighs, and he backed off. “Maybe next time.” He made his way back up to John’s cock and sucked on the smeared wetness at the tip. “You ready?”

John chewed on his lower lip, and wiggled as much as he could under the restraining hold of Rodney’s hands. “God, please.”

He’d tortured John enough for one night, and if he didn’t get off soon himself, he was going to be Atlantis’ first case of death by blue balls. He went back down, sucking hard and deep. John yelled out words Rodney couldn’t understand at all, gripped Rodney’s shoulders hard enough to leave bruises, and came down Rodney’s throat.

“Oh, fuck fuck fuck.” John’s voice was weak, but growing steadier by the second, and he pulled Rodney’s head all the way up, lying back and letting Rodney kiss him. Rodney reached down to grab himself, and John made a noise into his mouth. “No, on me. Do it on me.”

God. Working John into a frenzy had been an unbelievable turn on, and the idea of rubbing himself off on John’s body, lubricated with John’s sweat, was almost enough to have him come right then and there. He positioned his cock in the slick crease of John’s groin, the fit tight and perfect.

“Yeah,” John muttered into his mouth, when Rodney began to thrust. “Come on me.”

It gathered speed quickly. Even if he’d wanted to take it slow, he was way too gone for that. Rodney could hear himself babbling embarrassing phrases; “wanted this forever”, and “can’t wait to fuck you”, and each one just made John say, “yes yes yes.” He thought about how it was going to be when he fucked John for the first time - all of that heat, and the way John would clench around him, and that was all it took. He moaned sharply, and came his brains out, all over John’s thigh.

Afterwards, he barely had enough energy to roll off of John, praying he wouldn’t roll right off the narrow bed by accident.

“Shower?” John asked him, and Rodney groaned, trying to wordlessly convey the message ‘not a chance because if I try to move I will collapse and you will have to call Carson, and no, just no’. Luckily John spoke all of Rodney’s languages fluently, and he grinned and pulled Rodney up against him, wrapping an arm around his waist.

“Guess this means we’ll be going to bed dirty a lot,” he whispered in Rodney’s ear, and for a second, Rodney thought about finding the strength to object, but honestly, with the way John was holding him, he didn’t much care if he was filthy for the rest of his life, as long as he had an equally filthy John by his side.

He fell asleep with his head tucked in the curve of John’s neck.

**

*Three Weeks Later*

“I don’t understand why they had to come with us,” Rodney groused, as he hitched up his pack for the billionth time. “Wasn’t the jumper full enough already?”

“Dr. McKay,” Teyla said patiently - and how the hell was she always so patient anyway? Something was clearly wrong with her. “The Junaire told us the plant life around their temple had the ability to heal wounds. Would that not be the kind of situation Dr. Parrish excels at?”

“Oh, please, unless he’s planning to start a vegetable garden, I don’t see what kind of help he can be.”

“If he grows a vegetable garden, he could plant those things we had last night - potatoes,” Dex said, and they exchanged grins. It was nice to have somebody on the team who spoke his language. “Fresh food with no work from you.”

“Fine,” Rodney said, giving up the battle, because mmm, potatoes. “But why on earth did he have to bring his pet guard dog?”

“Lorne insisted,” John said with amusement. “And I wouldn’t call him that while he’s within earshot.”

Rodney sniffed. “Like you wouldn’t protect me.”

“The hour grows late,” Teyla said, pointing to the lowering sun. “We must hurry.”

“See, if I knew you’d be such a buzzkill…” John said to her, his voice fading away as they approached the temple.

Parrish bounded up the stairs, a giant overgrown puppy practically slavering with excitement. He was about to pass John and enter, when Lorne’s arm shot out, barring the way.

“We’ve talked about this,” Lorne said, sounding incredibly exasperated. “No entering strange new places until they’ve been checked out by me.”

“Or me,” John added as Teyla walked in the door with Dex, shooting a warning glare at Rodney, who hadn’t at all been planning on heading in first.

“Sorry,” Parrish said, clearly not sorry at all. “I’m just really excited to check out the plant.”

Lorne’s face softened imperceptibly. “It’ll just be a few minutes.”

“It’s clear,” Dex shouted, and Parrish - who was clearly incapable of learning his lesson - practically body-checked Lorne in his haste to get inside.

“Like herding cats, I swear,” Lorne muttered to John. “And there’s only one of him.”

“I hear you,” John said with sympathy - too much sympathy in Rodney’s opinion. “But the rewards are well worth it.”

The inside of the temple was the same as the insides of most of the abandoned temples Rodney had seen over the last year - gray and dusty, with no artifacts of any interest. Parrish shuffled around, taking samples and making happy noises, while Lorne hovered over his shoulder, close enough to be attached.

“You almost ready?” John asked, an hour later. “It’s gonna be dark soon, and we have a long walk back.”

“It’ll just be a few more minutes,” Parrish said without looking up. “Hey, do you guys see this?”

“Don’t press it!” Lorne ordered, but it was too late, Parrish had pressed the giant button on the wall, and now a section was opening up, revealing a tall and glowing shape.

Rodney moved closer to get a second glimpse. It looked like…it couldn’t be…there was no way the gods would be so cruel…

“Is that a lava lamp?” Parrish breathed from beside him, and Rodney closed his eyes, hoping the lamp would be gone when he opened them. It wasn’t, of course. He’d never had that kind of luck.

“Get behind me,” Sheppard snapped in the voice that meant he was Not Kidding, and even Parrish obeyed.

They stared at the lamp in silence for a minute before Rodney spoke up.

“The blobs aren’t moving,” he said in a strangled voice. “I don’t think it’s on, but better safe than sorry. I suggest we clear the hell out of here.”

“I agree,” Teyla said, and Lorne nodded. Dex and Parrish continued to stare at the lamp as if they’d both been hypnotized.

“Okay,” John said. “On my mark, move out.”

They didn’t even have a chance to take a single step before the largest red blob separated from the bottom, gliding up to the top gracefully.

“Oh my God,” Rodney said, because there was no way this was happening to them again.

“What the hell is that?” Lorne asked out of the corner of his mouth.

“I don’t know, but it’s way cool.” Parrish seemed ready to approach the lamp, and Lorne clearly gave up on trying to watch over him subtly. He grabbed both of Parrish’s arms and pulled back sharply. “Hey!”

“Not a chance,” Lorne said grimly. “Try to get any closer and I’ll shoot you myself.”

“We were that young once too,” John whispered in Rodney’s ear, and Rodney bit back a totally inappropriate laugh. He was about to reply, when the worst happened; the lava lamp spoke up.

“Only those who acknowledge the inner wishes of their souls may enter my sacred chamber,” the lava lamp declared, in a voice reminding Rodney of Leonard Nimoy.

“This all sounds horribly familiar. You know, the seventies were bad enough the first time around,” Rodney said, wondering if they could just shoot the lamp and run, because he’d had more than enough weird shit happen to him over the last month, and he didn’t want John to be turned into his spirit animal, or able to communicate telepathically with Rodney, or any one of a billion other experiences he’d only ever seen on cheesy sci-fi shows. All he wanted was a normal mission, where he could go home with his normal John, to a normal bed, so he could fuck John into the mattress. Was that too much to ask?

“What are you?” Parrish asked, and Rodney watched Lorne’s grip tighten.

“I am the Guardian of The Chamber of Soulful Enlightenment,” the lamp said. “To become soulfully enlightened is a sacred honor.”

“I haven’t done anything!” John said to Rodney in a panicky whisper. “I swear.”

Sure. There was no way he believed that. Except maybe it was true, because the lamp didn’t seem to be addressing them. Instead it was talking to…Lorne?

“My soul is enlightened more than enough,” Lorne said in a tense voice, and Parrish reach back to pat his arm soothingly.

“It’s true,” he said to the lamp helpfully. “He’s a lot more enlightened than most of the military guys out here. Why just last week he told me the story of how his kitten died when he was seven, and he cr-”

“Parrish!” Lorne bit out. “Stop. Helping.”

“You misunderstand,” the lamp told them. “This journey is for the both of you to share.”

“Oh, um.” Apparently there was something out there capable of shutting Parrish up, because he flushed all the way down his neck, and stepped out of Lorne’s suddenly loose grasp.

Rodney turned to John and they both grinned. “No worries, kids,” John said. “I’ve been down that path before as well. It’ll all end up better than you’d ever imagined.”

Lorne took a forceful step away from the lamp, dragging Parrish by his sleeve. “With all due respect, sir,” he said to Sheppard. “My path is my business.”

“Actually, it’s the lamp’s business now,” Rodney said, impossibly cheerful he’d dodged that bullet. “We’ll all just give you three a chance to get acquainted, won’t we, Colonel?”

“Indeed,” Teyla agreed, shooting Rodney a smile. “We will be right outside if we are needed.”

“Yes,” Dex said. Everybody waited for him to elaborate, but when he remained silent, they turned to John.

“Who am I to doubt the wisdom of my team?” John said to the room at large. “Holler if you need us, but I think you’ll be just fine.” He grinned at Rodney as they headed for the door, and Rodney felt the brief press of John’s thumb against his palm as they walked out together into the sunset.