(no subject)
empty...that's how i feel....as i look through my phone list i see that there is no one to call. i call my grandmother and she's too worried about tammy and her situation to listen to me, and dad is busy fixing his car and all he wants to talk about is his girlfriend. i just feel alone. our times are sometimes just pure bliss, and sometimes not happy at all. there are just so many expectations here. i know the problem that exists between us. she needs me and when she turns to me i'm not there all of the time. i wish i could make all of her fears and worries go away just like that, but i can't. all i can do is try. we both have so many issues going on right now it just makes it so hard to give her all the attention she deserves. i guess i just dont live up to her expectations. it's not her fault. someone in my situation should know the other person better than i do. i just can't tell. she's such a complex person, it's hard to tell what she's really thinking because some things she says can be totally opposite of what she really means. today was not good. the past few days have been amazing. sometimes i wish i wasn't counted on so much. i just feel miserable, weak, and empty. i have the feeling inside that i'm just not good enough, and that hurts. when i try to talk and make it better i just end up annoying her to the point where she decides she doesnt want "us" anymore. i really don't know what to do. i guess i have to come to terms with who i really am. i can't try to be something i'm not. i'm not someone who is good at giving emotional support. i just need to realize this. my lack of being able to comfort my girlfriend is not due to a lack of trying or caring - it's just do to my absolute inability to do so effectively. god knows, i love her so much, and i want this to work, but she needs to be with me because she is happy and loves me, not because i cry. i'm not throwing my hands up and saying "fuck it" "i can't do this", because that's not true, i just need to get better at emotional support i guess. these past few weeks have been trying, and she's really needed me to be there. it just sucks when a skill that i lack is called upon, because my flaws show through. i just wish she could convey to me her exact thoughts and emotions because what she says and what she thinks i believe are two different things. to expect me to just know her inner thoughts is asking too much. i can only go on what she tells me. im just so sad right now...........i just feel like i've failed her and myself. it's a miserable feeling to know it's your fault and you can't do shit about it...........i miss her so much............i love you poo bear