The past STILL haunts me

Mar 22, 2007 19:27

I went journal browsing today since I had a long day to do nothing. I've been doing my thinking again...sitting around online all day can do that to you...and I think that's part of the reason I was so depressed before. I wasn't allowed to do anything or go anywhere i had a curfew (even though I never followed it) I was just very entraped and my friends that were supposed to be there suddenly vanished and so the internet via livejournal/myspace became my home...a peace sanctuary if you will. Where I didn't have ot listen to people if I didn't want to...I could say every little thing I had to say without someone getting bored...I could just let it all out. And since I've moved out this is what i've learned...

You ARE more appreciative of things when you buy them yourself. You CAN do great things and you're not a loser...people do love you. You CAN meet great people that really do have your back...it's all about the right time and place. I've learned that you will make mistakes...but no matter what you are NOT a bad person.

All throughout highschool I felt like I was never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, popular enough, emo enough... Iwas just never enough in general. And since graduating highschool, since leaving my parents, meeting my new friends, and meeting my wonderful wonderful boyfriend...all of that has been set at ease...well maybe not at ease but I don't feel like I'm THAT girl anymore. Reading my old livejournal entries from this time last year it's good to know that atleast SOMEWHERE in my life I HAVE made progress. Although I didn't go to school this year and I got a dui it doesn't matter...the most important improvement has FINALLY been changed. After 5 years of pain, tears, loneliness all that...it's gone and I'm not afraid of losing it because this time...I'm for sure I have people who will always back me up. I have a friend that went to jail a week after I did...to bond him out it is 900 dollars...and you know what...we would've gotten him out by now if we weren't all in debt...cause everyone either just bought a new car or just started going back to school...but to know that people are will to throw 400 plus dollars to get you out of jail for YOUR mistake....those are true friends. I look back at the people I hung out with last summer and I KNOW the thought of useing their own money for something other than their own benefit wasn't even a thought remotely on their mind.

As usual I'm growing faster than what I'm ready for...but I don't have a choice so I'm taking in these large doses and hoping I'll make it through next morning....but the one thing about my past that bothers me is that I feel like a small part of me still feels like I need the people of my past as a back up "just in case" this doesn't work out. I've always hung out with various different groups of friends just so when things went wrong with one group I already have another and i'm never lonely. But I made myself stop doing that...and these are the friends I have and I'm pretty much stuck with  the sons of bitches. They know who I am...they know my stubborness and my over emotioness sometimes...and they're ok with that. When I have a problem instead of just saying "it's ok u'll get through it" I get that stern talking to I need to get me up out of my misery...they're not afraid to hurt my feelings or say anything to my face...and that is what I believe makes TRUE friendships.

But one thing is for certain...I'm not going to be able to stay here forever....I'm better than this town and most of the people in it. There is so much more opportunity and so many things I want to do with my life before I settle down and get married. That is what metro atlanta is good for...to settle down and get married but I have many more things on my agenda before that. I've promised myself I will visit every part of the world I was ever curious about and satisfy all my wonders before I settle down and become a mother. I mean how does anyone expect to be a decent wife or husband or parent if you haven't fullfilled your dreams or satisfyed your life. Too many of the people I've known as well as myself have been crippled by their parents wishes and it's because their parents were too afraid to take that stand and take a chance with their lives...so they moved here and had kids and although they love us...it ruins a kids spirit when all THEY want to do is live their life...but they owe their parents their lives and so they are stuck pursueing w/e it is their parents want which isn't their dream...it's their parents dream. And so I'm not responsible for creating life and then making it so miserable it can't stand it I'm going to make sure I am completely happy and have taken every chance possible. I will audition for anything and everything, I will audition for broadway, for american idol, for so you think you can dance, I will audition for dance programs to any college I desire...and not expecting to win or succeed but simply doing it to prove to myself I'm not afraid anymore and that atleast I took that chance and I won't EVER have to wonder what my life would be like if.....

well ladies and gentlemen it has been a very long blog but that's me...very long and indepth and intense person...but that part of me I can never change...my mother was the same way...and she by far has been the smartest woman I know...along with Jeremy's mother. You have to be an intense and difficult person to succeed in this world...you will gain your respect that way and when you succeed no other victory feels sweeter

~Mel

I am so in love

p.s.
I don't owe the people of my past anything
I am me
And you do not control me
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